Charlie's Father-in-Law

You want the truth about Charlie?

I'll give you the truth

I felt bad for him

He married my daughter
And she was no peach
Let me tell you

And my other daughter's
Even worse

Bringing somebody into this family
Is a little like
Bringing a pork chop
Into a lion's den

Maybe you'll get lucky
And the lions won't be hungry
But you know eventually
They're coming for you

No wonder he started drinking

And my girls don't put up with that

Forget that their mother was a shopaholic
And spent our life savings
On ugly shoes
And bad haircuts
Done by guys named Phillipe

Oh no, that's no addiction
That's no problem

Daddy having one or two after work is a problem
Charlie having a few because his best friend did a nosedive off a bridge
That's a problem

But not calling your own father on Father's Day
Because you got some problems with him
That stem back decades--DECADES
That's no problem

That's no problem at all

Funny what women consider problems
Isn't it?

My girls were ungrateful brats
Top to bottom
Both of them
And that granddaughter of mine
Was the same way

Poor Charlie didn't stand a chance
Against them

I used to call them the coven

My wife, included
Right up until she died

The only peace I had on this Earth
Was after she passed away
And the girls cut me out
Of their lives

They thought they were punishing me
When really, it was a release
That's what it was

I got to sit in my house
And do what I wanted to do

Drink, smoke, eat fried foods all day--

If I wanted to do it
I did it

Let the place go to rot?

Maybe

But wasn't it my house?

Wasn't it?

I used to invite Charlie over
And we'd sit and drink
And watch a game or so

Funny thing hanging out
With your ex-son-in-law

I mean, once he and my daughter got divorced

But just because she tossed him out
Didn't mean I couldn't show a little compassion
For the guy

So I'd have him over
And he'd tell me how much he missed her
And how he was gonna sober up
Any day now
And I'd pour him another drink
And say--'Charlie, you're better off.'

I'd say--'I know she's my daughter, and I love her, but trust me, you're better off.'

But he'd keep going on and on
And finally I just stopped inviting him over
And spent my last few years
Alone, and in glorious silence

That guy had his heart and his dick ripped out of him
And I can't imagine what kinda life he must have lived after that
But it couldn't have been a fulfilling one

Part of me hopes I'll see Charlie
Now that he's in the moved on to the Afterlife

Maybe we can finally watch a game
And just enjoy each other's company

Me and him, we were two peas in a pod
Most of the time

That's what my daughters used to say about us
That we were two peas in a pod

I'd laugh whenever they said it
But Charlie...

I don't know

For some reason
It always seemed
To get him upset