The Friggin' Doctor's Office

Benny!

Bennyyyyyyyy!

Stop running back and forth in the hallways!

This is the friggin' doctor's office!

People are finding out they have leprosy right now
And you're running around, screaming
Like Johnny Rude Boy

Doctor, look at him
Clearly he's ill

I know my son
And he may like to sleep in
But when I can't get him out of bed
By bribing him
With tickets to 'Throat Slasher 5'
Something's wrong

BENNY!

Don't touch that friggin' bubbler!

Sick kids have touched that bubbler!

You wanna get scurvy?

Then we'll have to cut off your arm

You get scurvy and you lose your arm

You lose your arm
Your eye falls out
And you winkie goes inside your kidneys

Bing bang boom

Do you die?

No, you don't die!

Why would you say that?

Ohhhh God, don't even say that

I'll put myself in the ground with you
If that happens

Doctor, I can't live without this friggin' idiot

He's gonna be all right, isn't he?

Because if he's not
Just hit me over the head with that stethoscope
Until I'm dead

He's gotten three new freckles since yesterday

I went online and found out
When you get three new freckles
It means you got botulism

It's from when he ate those hot dogs
Out of the can
At his friend's house

I don't mean to speak ill of the Pusini's
But I wouldn't let my goat
Live in that house

NO, BENNY, WE'RE NOT GETTING A FRIGGIN' GOAT!
IT'S AN EXPRESSION!

AND DON'T TOUCH THOSE Q-TIPS!
THEY REUSE THOSE!
I SAW IT ON 60 MINUTES!

Doctor, my Uncle Richie got three new freckles
And the next week he was DEAD

They said it was a heart attack
But I don't buy it

He was the healthiest eighty-seven year old
You ever met in your life

Ohhh, how I cried at that funeral

Normally I'm hard as a stone
But when God takes 'em young like that

BENNY!!!

Stop licking that friggin' Highlights magazine!

It's not a pretzel!
Why are you lickin' it?

You know what happens when you lick dirty magazines
In the doctor's office?

Your tongue falls out
Your fingers turn backwards
And your ears pop out like Dumbo

Bing, bang, boom

Doctor, what's wrong with him?

Just give it to me straight

I can take it

Tell me he's got rabies
I know it's rabies
He was chasing the cat this morning

...What?

Chicken pox?

CHICKEN POX?

BENNY!

YOU GOT CHICKEN POX!

YOU'RE GONNA LIVE!

Ohhh, now I gotta take care of him
Night and day
Until he's cured

Benny, get in the car!

I'll take you to the video game store
Buy you one of those 'Steal the Hooker's Car' games you like
To keep you happy
While you recover

Look at how happy he is
That friggin' kid

Full of joy
And riddled with disease

You got kids of your own, Doc?

Let me tell you
You don't know what you're missing