Charlie's Luggage

My luggage was lost
Along with Charlie's
When we were coming back from New York

My sister's wedding was in Brooklyn
And Charlie's ex-wife's wedding
Was in Manhattan

I found this out
While we were sitting
On uncomfortable chairs
In the airport luggage division
Waiting for them to find our bags

When they came back and told us
That our bags had been sent to San Diego
We decided to get some drinks
At the airport Applebee's

Charlie asked if there was anything good in my luggage
And I said 'Not really.  Just a hideous bridesmaid dress and cheap make-up.'
Actually, the make-up was called 'Charlie's,' but I didn't bother telling him that

I asked him what was in his luggage
And he said--

'Some clothes.  Cologne.  A toast I never read.'

When I asked him why he didn't read it
He said he wasn't ready to be a good person yet

I told him I wouldn't have been able to set foot
At my ex-husband's wedding
Without pulling a Medea

Charlie asked me if I gave a toast
At my sister's wedding
And I confessed that I pretended to catch food poisoning
At the reception
So that I wouldn't have to speak

That's when Charlie stood up
With his Applebee's glass in hand
And gave his toast

'To the happy couple, I hope you both bring each other nothing but misery and pain.  May you never reproduce, may you both go bald, and may your asses become so big you have to convert your bathtub into a toilet.'

I then stood up with my glass and said--

'To my sister on her wedding day:  You were always the slutty one.  The dumb one.  The one who spent half her senior prom getting felt up in a bathroom stall by the gym teacher.  I don't know how you convinced this poor sap to marry you, but I guess when you're a forty-six year old closet case, you'll take whatever life flings at you.  Mazel.'

We kept toasting like that
Until our lovely nineteen-year-old
Applebee's waitress--

Steffi

Cut us off

The bitch

I bet she's majoring in Baton Twirling
At a local state school

Charlie and I said our good-byes
In front of the terminal

Our luggage would be sent to our homes
Along with a free ticket
To anywhere in the United States
Not including Hawaii and Alaska
Courtesy of the airline

I wished Charlie luck
And gave him a peck on the cheek
I probably would have given him more
If the hotel next to the airport wasn't full of doctors
Attending an alopecia convention

A year later I got married in Vegas
To a guy named Tino
And we've been married ever since

To be honest
He looks a lot like Charlie

And when we went on our honeymoon
They lost our luggage

I took it as a sign
Of good luck