Charlie's Wallet

I found Charlie's wallet
On the street outside his house

I walked up his front steps
Rang the doorbell
And when he answered
I remembered him
From school

'You gave me detention three years ago for flashing my boyfriend in the cafeteria.'

He looked at me funny
And then said--

'Are you here to contest that?'

I showed him the wallet
He thanked me
And then went to grab it from me
But I pulled my hand back

'Don't I get a reward,' I said

Which I thought was totally reasonable

I mean, you find something
You get paid to give it back

We're not living in an utopian biodome
Where parrots and coyotes
Hang out together
And sip juicy juices

Sorry if my metaphors don't make sense
I did a lot of drugs in high school
And also, yesterday

'What sort of reward do you want,' he asked

'Half of what's in the wallet,' I said

He thought about it for a second
And then he said--

'Okay'

I was kind of surprised
It was that easy

I thought about asking him
If he owned any snapping turtles
Because I wanted one of those too
And I figured maybe he was just in a giving mood

He handed me a dollar
And two credit cards

'Dude,' I said, 'I can't take your credit cards.  I mean, I'd like to, but eventually somebody would want to see my ID.'

He shook his head

'Those two cards are maxed out,' he said, 'The other two I have in here were paid off yesterday leaving me with only two dollars in my wallet.  It's been a hard month.'

Then he shut the door in my face

Let that be a lesson to you all

No good deed goes unpunished

Also, always pay more than the minimum

Those credit cards
Took me forever
To pay off