Charlie's Roommate

I was Charlie's roommate in college
And then for a little while after college
Because we got along really well

Charlie was a cool guy

You wouldn't really know it
From looking at him
But he was

He had spent some time in L.A.
After high school
And he used to hang around with this crazy guy in a trailer park
And read Shakespeare
And he knew more about computers
And literature
Than anybody else I ever met in my life

There aren't a lot of college roommates
Who can fix your laptop
And then use it to write your Hemingway paper on it

We probably would have been friends for life
If he hadn't stolen my girlfriend from me

Okay, to be fair
Stolen--maybe a harsh word

Maybe 'accepted' is a better term
Since I'm sure she's the one
Who went chasing after him

I didn't spot it in her at first
But that girl had a 'grass is greener' complex
And she never met a lawn
She didn't want to mow

We'd been dating for about a year
When she set her sights on Charlie
And it was only a month
Before she had him
Moving out of the apartment we lived in together
And moving in with her across town

I guess I should have held it against her and not Charlie
But he was like my brother, you know?

I understand that he had all these problems
Dealing with women
Because he--

Well, you know
He's dead
So I guess it's okay to say--

He got molested by his teacher
His piano teacher
When he was a kid
And his mom was a piece of work too
Plus this neighbor girl and--

The point is
He was really fucked up
When it came to girls

Like, really fucked up

But I was still pissed at him

Can you blame me?

So yeah, we didn't talk much after that
And when I heard he married that--

Man, I wanted to kill him

But then I heard she left him for his brother
And yeah, part of me thought--

Yup, karma

But looking back...

Charlie had nobody, you know?

Like, nobody

Like, I was it for him

For a long time
I was it

And then he has a wife
And his brother
And it's all good, you know
And then to lose them both
And have nothing?

I kind of feel bad I didn't just say fuck it
And call him to say hey

Let's go grab a drink

Bygones be bygones, you know?

We were kids when that whole thing happened
I mean, we were in our early twenties
But what's that nowadays?

Kids, right?

And he fucked me over, yeah
But...

How long do you hold a mistake like that against somebody?

People just love being angry, you know?

When I was alive--and by the way
I haven't been alive for a few years now
So maybe that's why I'm all ying yang about life right now
But anyway, when I was alive
I just loved being angry

I loved getting to hold all that anger in
And just getting to eat it everyday
Like it was fuckin' yogurt or something

And Charlie was probably mad at his brother and his wife
And they were probably mad at themselves
And at him for not understanding
And eventually each other
And is it any surprise none of us lived to be a hundred
With all that bullshit bottled up inside of us?

Okay, so this is getting way too 3am informerical

Let me just say this

I used Charlie's toothbrush

Many times

Because I would always lose mine

Don't ask me how a guy loses his toothbrush
But I always lost mine
And I would use Charlie's

The dude would let me use his toothbrush

And when my girlfriend left me
He was dead to me

That was it

Dead

Now do you want to hear something funny?

When you die
You're lifted up
Way up

Like, not just above Earth
But above reality

And you see actions and thoughts and beliefs
All hanging out together
Like markers on a board game

And you see the size of things
The real size
Of what things are

And when I was lifted up

I saw Charlie
And I saw me using his toothbrush
And I saw him marrying my girl

And you know what?

The two actions?

They were the same size

Both of them
The same exact size

But Charlie?

He was bigger

He was so much bigger

And the memories

Of him and me
Staying up late
Cramming for exams
Him writing my papers
Us getting stoned on the quad
Snowball fights in the middle of the street
During a snowstorm?

Those were even bigger
Way bigger than the mistakes

The mistakes were so small
You could barely see them

And when I saw all that
That's when I knew

That's when I realized
That I should have let it all go