Charlie's Divorce Lawyer

He let me go after the first one

The one who left him
For his brother

He just stepped aside
And let me attack

Leaving a man for his brother

Do you know what that is for a divorce attorney?

Catnip

That's what that is

She didn't even bother to talk
She just let him take everything

The house
The car
Whatever money there was
Granted, there wasn't much
After I was done

Piranhas are an exotic fish
And that means we don't come cheap
Do you follow what I'm saying?

She didn't really care anyway
And that took the fun out of it

She was going to shack up with the brother
And he had a house, and a car
And a body for days
And so she was smiling
The whole time
I was dragging her over the coals

That was a lousy divorce

Not for Charlie, for me

There was no fun in it

Oh there was money
But no fun

This isn't a popular point of view
For a female divorce lawyer
But...

I love my work

I really do

You say that's strange
But let me ask you something

How many people do you know of
That actually seem like they should be married?

There's a reason the divorce rate in this country
Is where it is
And that's because people, overall, are really quite unintelligent

Not stupid, exactly
But just...unintelligent

And we're paying for it

We're all paying for it

You think putting all that misery into the atmosphere
Is a GOOD thing?

Even those of us who are single feel it
And I resent that

I resent having to feel that awful energy
As a single woman
Who has never even entertained the idea
Of getting married

I resent having to walk around
Seeing miserable people all day

I resent having to listen to my girlfriends
Whine about their boyfriends
And their fiances
And their husbands
And their ex-husbands
And their new boyfriends

It's the Circle of Death

So when Charlie came back
With a new wife to divorce
I was hoping this one would be fun
But he instructed me
That I was not to go after this one

'Well dammit, Charlie,' I said, 'Why bother hiring me?  Go get some sweetheart from the television who can fit you in between defending pimps pro bono and serving as youth minister at his church.'

But Charlie insisted on me

He wanted to make sure the divorce was done right

The other lawyer got to have all the fun
With that divorce

The drinking
The bad behavior
The negligence

It all came out

And I had to sit there and listen to it
While Charlie looked down at the floor
Like a little boy
Going to the principal's office
With his mother

I wasn't even allowed to raise my voice
Or make wild accusations
Or blame the victim

It was dehumanizing

When we left that office
I told Charlie that was it

If he wanted to get married and divorced again
He was going to have to find another lawyer
Because I was NOT going through that another time

That's when he told me
He was never getting married again
And before I could stop him
He leaned in, gave me a kiss on the cheek
And wished me well

I don't know why, but for some reason
That little sequence--

Lean, kiss, good-bye

--It impacted me

I could see it in his eyes

How badly he wanted this one to work
How much he wanted a family
How he hated himself for screwing it all up

For the first time, I think I really understood
Why people get married
Despite the statistics
And the obstacles
And the cynical attitudes from everyone around them

I guess when you die
You want someone other than your divorce lawyer
Talking about what a nice guy you were

But I'm still happy I could be here
To talk about Charlie

I wish there were more people here
But I guess not a lot of people make it to the finish line

At least...

Not as many as we'd like