The Dark Lord's Diving Hotline

Hello, this is the Dark Lord.

How may I help you?

Are you at the red light now?

Well, it should tell you

Whether or not

You can make a right turn

It also depends on your state

Are you in a state where that’s allowed, or—

Yes, I can look that up for you

Provided you upgrade to the premium package

Well, for a little extra each month

I can look up driving laws for you

In each state

With the premium package

I’m also able to change lights for you

Locate available parking

And suck out the soul of the driver in front of you

If he or she is driving too slow

And you’re in a hurry

If you have your credit card—

Oh, the light’s green?

Well, then you should go

You don’t want to hold up traffic

In the event that the person behind you

Has my Premium Package

I would be forced to suck your soul out of your—

What?

I believe it’s three car lanes

Three?

Or four?
Can you see the tires on the car in front of you?

How slow is he going?

Is there a fish decal on his bumper?

How did I know

How did I know there would be a—

No, it’s not because of my dark powers

Although, I do have them

I just know that when someone’s doing twenty in a fifty

There’s gonna be a fish decal involved

Can you go around him?

One lane?

You know, with my premium package

I can actually lift your car up over the car in front of you

And deposit you safely up to five miles closer

To where you’re going

It’s a little costlier for that feature

But I also throw in a possession

Of up to two co-workers

And/or in-laws

So it’s really worth the—

Oh!  Oh yes, I hear that

That ambulance is very loud

My goodness

Okay, well—

Is there anywhere for you to pull over?
Maybe you could—

I don’t know what their hurry is

The guy inside was a terrible human being

Who used to kick dogs for fun

I wouldn’t even have turned on the sirens

If I were them

No, no, you still have to pull over

I wasn’t supposed to say that stuff about the dogs

Is there a breakdown lane?

Maybe this is a good time to remind you

That for a mere forty dollars extra a month

I can create breakdown lanes

Anytime you need one

I can also create gas stations

Discreet motels for extramarital affairs

And roadside diners with halfway decent cheese melts

If you—

Hello?

Hello?

I hope she knows I’m still charging her for that call