Coffee With Your Sugar

An Office.

ROB is drinking coffee in the break room.  BRIAN enters.

BRIAN:  Hey Rob.

ROB:  Hey Brian.

BRIAN:  Did you see that they put Steve in Dan's old office?

ROB:  Dan left?

BRIAN:  Two weeks ago.

ROB:  Wow.

BRIAN:  I know.

BRIAN sits.  ROB rips open about eight sugar packets and dumps them in his coffee.  BRIAN watches all this.  Then--

BRIAN:  Hey Rob?

ROB:  Yeah?

BRIAN:  You want some coffee with your sugar?

ROB:  Huh?

BRIAN:  You put a lot of sugar in your coffee.

ROB:  Right.

BRIAN:  So I'm just saying.  You know.  There's probably more sugar in there right now than coffee.

ROB:  Oh.

ROB smiles.

ROB:  Ohhhh...

ROB begins to laugh.  His laughter is sincere and sustained, and it grows louder and louder until BRIAN is concerned for his well-being.  LINDA rushes in.

LINDA:  Is everything okay in here?

ROB can't even speak he's laughing so hard.

BRIAN:  Oh hey Linda, I just, uh...I told Rob a joke, I guess, and he, um, he really...liked it?

LINDA:  He looks like he's dying.

ROB nods as if to indicate--"I am.  I am dying.  That joke was so funny it's probably going to kill me."

BRIAN:  It was just a joke.

LINDA:  What was it?

BRIAN:  Huh?

LINDA:  The joke.  What was it?

BRIAN:  Well, it was...it was sort of like--more of a comment--a commentary?  On like, on--

LINDA:  Jesus, Brian, just tell me the damn joke.  I'm a supervisor.  I need to write this all up.  Rob looks like he's going to turn blue.

ROB nods as if to say "Yes, I probably am going to turn blue at some point in the near future."

BRIAN:  Okay, well, Rob put a lot of sugar in his coffee just now.

LINDA:  Okay?

BRIAN:  So I was like--Do you want some coffee with your sugar?

A beat.

LINDA:  Where did you come up with that?

BRIAN:  What?

LINDA:  How did you--that is--the most brilliant thing I have ever heard.

BRIAN:  Huh?

LINDA:  I mean, that kind of insight--

BRIAN:  You've never heard that before?

LINDA:  Never.

ROB shakes his head as if to say "I had never heard it either!"

LINDA:  You know what's crazy, Brian?  So many people put a lot of sugar in their coffee, and I always look at them and think--Why do they do that?  Why do they put so much sugar in their coffee?  But it never occurred to me to say anything about it, let alone in such a clever way, and then you come along and just cut right to the core of it like that.

BRIAN:  It's just a stupid thing people say.

LINDA:  Bravo, my friend.  Bravo.

She slowly applauds him.  ROB tries to, but he's still laughing way too hard.

BRIAN:  It's just an expression!

STEVE enters.

STEVE:  Hey can anyone tell me what my code is for the fax machine?  Dan was supposed to have left it for me, but all I got was this note telling me what a piece of shit I was for taking a job from a guy with three kids.

STEVE notices LINDA slow-clapping and ROB, now on the floor, convulsing.

STEVE:  Is this like a team-building exercise?  Does anybody want to trust fall?  I'm really good at trust falls.

LINDA:  Steve--(Still slow-clapping.)--your new co-worker is a damn genius.

STEVE looks at ROB.

STEVE:  You mean like one of those crazy geniuses?  Like Amadeus?

LINDA:  I'm not talking Rob.  Rob will be dead soon.  The victim of another man's razor-sharp acumen.

ROB nods as if to say "Yes, I've been murdered by Brian's brilliance."

LINDA:  Brian made an observation about Rob's coffee and it is--and I don't think I'm over-stating this--the most enlightening thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

STEVE:  What was it?

BRIAN:  It was not--

LINDA:  You probably shouldn't tell him, Brian.  I'm not sure he can take it.  He may have been smart enough to take Dan's job from him thereby leaving him a ghost of a man with three kids to get through college and a wife with a pill addiction, but I'm not sure he can handle the truth-bomb you just laid on Rob.

BRIAN:  It wasn't a truth--

STEVE:  Well, now I really want to hear it.

LINDA:  Steve, do you remember in Indiana Jones--(Still clapping, ROB still laughing.)--when they open the Ark of the Covenant and because no human eyes are ever supposed to see what's inside it all the Nazis evaporate into powdered milk?

STEVE:  I don't think it was quite like that, but yes, I know what you're referring to.

LINDA:  That's what Brian's joke is.  It's the light from the Ark of the Covenant turning Nazis into baby powder.

STEVE:  Please, I want to hear it.

LINDA:  I don't think it's a good idea, Steve.

STEVE looks at BRIAN longingly.

STEVE:  Please Brian?  I need this.

BRIAN:  Uh...I--

LINDA:  Think about what you're about to do, Brian.

STEVE:  Let him do it, Linda!

LINDA:  Is he worthy?  I don't think he is.

STEVE:  I am.  I am, Brian.

LINDA:  He may have vanquished Dan, but that doesn't make him deserving.

BRIAN:  I--I--

STEVE:  TELL ME BRIAN!

BRIAN:  ROB PUT A LOT OF SUGAR IN HIS COFFEE AND I ASKED HIM IF HE WANTED SOME COFFEE WITH HIS SUGAR!

A beat.

STEVE:  I have to sit down.

ROB howls.

BRIAN:  Steve?

STEVE:  I wasn't ready for that.

LINDA:  I told you.

STEVE:  Goddammit.

LINDA:  I tried.

STEVE:  I have to find Dan.

BRIAN:  What?

STEVE:  I have to find Dan and give him his job back.  I can't be here.  What am I doing?  What am I DOING?

BRIAN:  I don't--

STEVE:  I have to go.

He puts his hand on BRIAN's arm.

STEVE:  Thank you, Brian.  Thank you so much.

He exits.  ROB passes out.

LINDA:  Thank you, Brian.  You gave us a gift.  And I'm not sure we can ever repay you.  Rob is probably dead--

He probably is.

LINDA:  --But what a way to go.  Steve just realized he's not a real person.  And me?  I don't know what the next step is.  But I know I have to take it.  I have to take it, Brian.  Do you understand?

BRIAN:  I--

LINDA:  Of course you do.

She puts her hand tenderly on his cheek.

LINDA:  Of course you do.

She exits.  A moment passes.  BRIAN looks down at ROB, who is probably dead.  Another moment passes.

BRIAN:  It just seemed like a lot of sugar.

End of Play