Friday, December 18, 2015

A Missed Elf Connection

A Missed Elf Connection

Me:  Adorable Elf filled with holiday cheer

You:  Holding a little red wagon that was missing a wheel

Me:  The adorable elf who said “Do you need me to get you a wheel for that wagon?”

You:  Scowling at me and saying “Why don’t you mind your own business?”

Me:  Laughing at what I’m sure what a joke on your part and saying “Oh, come on.  That’s no way to talk at Christmas!”

You:  Continuing to scowl and saying “It’s always Christmas here.  We live in the North Pole for crying out loud.”

Me:  Continuing to hope that you’re joking but realizing you might not be, and saying “Well, I’m excellent at fixing little red wagons.  I could do it in a jiffy.”

You:  Looking down at the little red wagon with a perplexed look on your face and saying “Who even asked for this?  Who still wants little red wagons?  What is this—1887?”

Me:  “Well, as someone who was around in 1887, I can tell you that cowboy hats were the popular item of THAT year.”

You:  “Oh my God, how old are you?”

Me:  Clearly not wanting to reveal my age since I am a lady after all, but reluctantly divulging that I’m two hundred and nine.

You:  Aghast—Ewwwww!

Me:  What, I said, what is it?

You:  I’m only 102!

Me:  Okay.

You:  And you’re FLIRTING with me?  That’s gross!  You’re a century older than me!

Me:  Looking around to make sure nobody was staring at us—“Well, it’s so hard to tell.  Elves age so slowly.  You know my great-aunt married someone much younger than her.”

You:  Nearly dropping the little red wagon—“Marriage?  Who said anything about marriage?”

Me:  Turning as red as that little red wagon—“Never mind.  Let’s just go back to work.”

You:  Fine.

Me:  Fine.

You:  Returning to work.

Me:  Also returning to work, and trying not to cry.

You:  Noticing that I was trying not to cry, and slowly—I imagine—feeling guilty about how mean you were.

Me:  Beginning to forgive you in my mind, because Christmas is a difficult time for some, and we can’t all be holly and jolly.

You:  Continuing to struggle with getting a fourth wheel on the little red wagon.  Finally, clearly frustrated, you threw the wagon down and walked off, muttering something about getting a new job in Marketing.

Me:  Unbeknownst to you, walking over to your station, and fixing the little wagon for you in no time flat, then disappearing behind the Employee of the Month Wall, which is pretty much just a wall covered in photos of me.

You:  Returning to your station to find that your little red wagon has been fixed.  Smiling from ear-to-ear, you go back to your work.

Me:  Thinking to myself—Hmm, how can I let him know that I’m the one who fixed his little red wagon?

And here we are.

If you’d like to thank me and/or ask me out to lunch, I’ll be at my station tomorrow, where I have been for the past hundred years.


And please, don’t be shy.

Santa on the Moon

Dear Virginia,

Yes, there is a Santa Claus
And he’s living on the moon

You see…

I had just dropped off the last present of the year
And I was heading back to the North Pole, but…

Then I thought…

What’s the rush?

So I flew my sleigh right up to the moon

I cut loose the reindeer
And they each floated to their own planet
And carved out a life for themselves there

Comet wound up on Mars
Dasher on Jupiter
Vixen on Venus

I took my first step on the moon
And I felt light
Lighter than I’ve ever felt

I watched the world go around and around
Days went by, weeks, years
And I wondered if anybody missed me

If Santa had become a thing of the past
A relic, a memory
Fog on a window
Wiped away by time

I built myself a little house
And little elves made out of moondust
I thought about Mrs. Claus often
But I knew she was strong
And that eventually she’d continue on without me
Maybe even delivering presents herself

Who knows?

I practiced hanging tinsel from the stars
Making it snow all throughout the Milky Way
Filling up Black Holes with candy canes and sugar plums

It seemed that even though I had left Christmas
Christmas couldn’t leave me

I would look down at Earth
And miss everyone
The children who now had children
And grandchildren
And great-grandchildren of their own

The chimneys
The snowmen
The nice, and even, the naughty

I missed everything and everyone
But I was certain that after so many years
I—and maybe even Christmas—was gone forever

Then, one night, while nestled in my bed
I heard a bump on the roof
And then another
And then another

I ran outside
And to what did my bleary, old eyes did appear
But presents

Hundreds and hundreds of presents
Floating in the sky above me

One by one they’d drop down
Onto my roof
Subverting gravity somehow

How is this possible, I thought

Then I picked up a present
That had fallen to the ground
And the tag read ‘To Santa’

I tore off the wrapping
And the opened the box
To find a beautiful red hat
And a pair of black gloves
Just like the ones I used to wear

I began opening other presents
Each one addressed ‘To Santa’
And on some—‘To Santa, With Love’

Each present was more thoughtful
And wonderful than the last

It took me days and days
But finally, I had opened each and every present
The surface of the moon was covered of opened boxes
And wrapping paper

The last present said—

‘To Santa, Wherever You Are, We Miss You’

And it was signed—

‘Virginia’

So Virgina
I’m writing you this letter
To tell you
I’m coming home

I whistled for the reindeer
And I expect they’ll be arriving
Sometime in the next few years

They’d be here sooner
But Prancer
Ran all the way to Pluto
So he’ll be awhile

But as soon as he gets here
We’ll be headed back down to Earth
I assume that all these years
The parents have been picking up slack
While I’ve been away
But no more of that

By my calculations, I estimate that I’ll be arriving
At midnight, on Christmas—2015

So get the chimneys ready
And put the cookies out


Because Santa Claus is comin’ to town