-- Sorry Todd, but I'm going in a different direction with your title. Hope you like it. --
"The First Time I Wore a Dress"
The first time I wore a dress
I was at my father's funeral
I was seven
Magpie was nine
Lee was ten
Daisy was eleven
And Hubert was twelve
There is a year
Between me
And the rest of my siblings
I like to believe
That those measly twelve months
Are what make my two brothers and two sisters
Feel like strangers to me
When I was seven
I hated wearing dresses
But when Daddy died
I understood that it was necessary
So I put it on
And hated every minute of it
I had never seen much of my father
So I can't say I was all that broken up
When he finally passed away
From a long and torturous bout
With some sickness that--
To this day
--Nobody will tell me the name of
When I was a kid
I imagined that he died
Of a disease where your arms fall off
Then your legs fall off
Until you're just a head
Talking to your wife
Telling her what you'd like to wear
At your funeral
My mother put me in that first dress
And read me the riot act
On how to behave
Since I was the wildest
Everyone just called me Wildcat
In case you haven't figured it out already
We are a family
That believes in nicknames
My mother told me to be still
All she would say is 'Be still'
That was her best advice
To a child
Watching her father's funeral
Be still
She was and is a woman of few words
She didn't even sit next to me
She sat in between Daddy's two sisters
While her five children sat next to Josie
Our housekeeper and nanny
When nannying was called for
And Magpie said 'Pray for Papa'
And Lee said 'Momma looks so pretty'
And Daisy said 'Stop picking your nose'
And Hubert just sat and stared
Not saying a word
The first time I wore that dress
I remember it itched so bad
I would have gladly torn it off
In the middle of the church
And gone storming down the aisle
In my purple underwear
God knows where I got purple underwear
It might have been Lee's even
Away from the rousing sermon
And the crying eyes
And the four siblings who hated me
. . . . .
The first time I wore a dress
After Daddy's funeral
Was to the prom
Where Lee was my unfortunate date
I hadn't wanted to go to prom
And I had hoped that Momma wouldn't find out
But she did
She always did
And she dragged out one of her old dresses
From the certified back wall
Of her endless closet
She stuck it me like she was handcuffing me
While Magpie and Daisy watched
Laughing the whole time
Because the damn thing didn't fit me
And it propped my already too-large boobs up so much
That they looked like they were going to swallow my head
And the bottom was frilly and ridiculous
But mostly I just didn't want to go to that stupid prom
Lee taking me was just another indignity
But it wasn't an especially awful one
As indignities go
We got halfway to the school
Lee in a tuxedo that he bought
On one of his many weekends in the city
With who-knows-how-much saved up allowance money
And he did look quite dapper
I have to say
At the halfway mark
Right where the road forks
Just like the poem says it does
Lee stopped the car
And looked at me with a serious gaze
So I'd know he wasn't being himself
But someone he needed to be
'You want to skip this thing?'
'Jesus, Lee--'
'I'm just asking.'
'Haven't I been screaming that I have all night?'
'But then we'd have to go somewhere else.'
'Where would we go?'
But I already knew where
The club was busy, real busy
And I suppose that's natural on a Friday night
But there I was in that awful dress
With my brother who looked like Fred Astaire
And everyone else was dressed like it was ninety degrees out
All short dress and t-shirts
Made me feel like the country bumpkin I was
In front of city people I'd never met
But Lee looked downright thrilled
'You want a drink?'
'I can drink?'
'You got a mouth, don't you?'
'Make it a good one. My senior prom isn't until next year. I might have to make it last.'
I sat at the bar
Trying to look casual
And failing miserably
Since that dress had a way
Of propping you up
To look like a lady with posture
And it was never designed
To be sat in on a barstool
I was wondering
How I was going to explain to Momma
Why her dressed like smoke
Since the air was filled with it
So much so that my eyes were too watery
To tell at first
Whether or not the person Lee brought back
Was a real big girl or a--
'Wildcat, this is Mason.'
'How do you do, Mason.'
'Hey, you're pretty.'
'Shouldn't I be?'
'Your brother always says you're a runt.'
'Oh well, he's right. I'm the runt of the family. It just happened to be a hell of a litter.'
Mason slammed his hand down on the bar
And let out a laugh that could have been a belch
If he'd have worked at it a little bit
He was a handsome man
And I noticed that Lee kept looking at him
With admiring eyes
But once he handed me my drink
Which might or might not have been turpentine
I didn't notice much else for the rest of the night
When we got home that night
Lee and I crawled into bed together
Both smelling up my sheets
With dirty city smells
And both laughing to each other
About how bad we were at swing dancing
And conferring on the answers we were going to give Momma
Once the morning rolled around
Which at that point was probably less than half an hour
I fell asleep next to my brother
And I remember thinking he was something
A real something
Not just a stuck-up Momma's boy
Like I had always thought
Maybe Lee's got some gumption, I thought
That was a word Hannah always used
And it always made me laugh
I watched my brother fall asleep
And I knew I had someone else in this family
Who wanted something more out of life
Than a pretty dance in a school gym
Before they handed over their life
To mediocrity
. . . . .
The first time I wore a dress
After the prom escapade
Was at Magpie's wedding
My last year of school
Leave it to Magpie, I thought
Here I was
Going to be the first in the family
To actually get a college diploma
And she scheduled her wedding
For the weekend of my graduation
I was ordered by Momma to come
She couldn't have cared less
That I was an academic
Getting myself on the right track in life
She was probably relieved
That she didn't have to suffer
Seeing one of her children
Actually accept a degree in medicine
'So you'll be a nurse?'
'No Momma, I'll be a doctor.'
'What's wrong with being a nurse?'
'Nothing, except I want to be a doctor.'
'You always have to take the rougher road, don't you?'
'I don't have to, Momma, but there's usually less traffic on it.'
To her, I was insufferable
But I couldn't honestly expect
That a celebration of my achievement
Could outdo the glorious wedded union
Of my sister and Tate Ponteran
So I showed up
Ready to be a bridesmaid
But not Maid of Honor
Thank God
Because Daisy would have that job
As Eldest Sister
Daisy was already two kids in
And she kept one on each hip
The entire weekend of the wedding
They were twins
One was named Cassie
And the other was named just Cass
Because my sister is an idiot
Who actually thinks
There's a difference between those two names
Either way
I couldn't tell the girls apart
But I'll admit that they were darling
And I did like being called Auntie Cat
Lee flew in from Chicago for the wedding
He and I crept up to my old bedroom
Smoked pot and told stories
About him being a musician
And not talking to Mason anymore
Because he up and got married
And that was fine by Lee
Because now he was friends with a new man named John
And they played in a band together
The band's name is Hat Trick
And I thought that was just terrific
(Well, I didn't really think that
But I couldn't break his heart now
Could I?)
Momma yelled for us to come downstairs
Daisy was explaining to Hubert
How he was going to give Magpie away
And for some reason we all had to listen
Who knows why?
In case Hubert tripped or something
Daisy maybe wanted to set up a plan
For somebody to catch Magpie
And keep right on walking with her
Magpie stayed quiet this whole time
And I just knew she wasn't happy
But I didn't think much of it
Since nobody was expected to be happy
Once they were married
And one more sister in a loveless marriage
Wasn't any surprise to me
The day of the wedding
I got in my awful bridesmaid's dress
And I walked up to Magpie's room
To see if she needed help with anything
Since Daisy was busy downstairs
Yelling at the caterers
For being three minutes late
And I thought maybe Magpie
Needed something pinned
Or whatever brides need
I opened up her bedroom door
And found her halfway out in the window
All dressed up nice in her wedding dress
I was going to whoop
I really was
Because it was a sight
But she hopped back in the room
And covered my mouth with her hand
With the other she shut the door behind me
'You can't tell.'
'What are you doing?'
'Tate and I are running away.'
'Why? If you're going to run away with someone, don't do it with the person you were supposed to marry anyway!'
'We don't want a big wedding, but Momma wouldn't listen.'
'Has she ever?'
'Neither did Daisy or anybody else. And we don't want to live here and Tate's father is going to make him and Momma will side with him, and we just...we just...'
She sat down on her bed
And burst right into tears
I waited for her to calm down a bit
Then I said--
'Well, what are you waiting for? The window's still open.'
Magpie smiled up at me
And then jumped up
And gave me a big hug
First hug I ever got from her
'Promise you won't tell?'
'I'll say you knocked me out with a blunt object.'
'I can too, if I need to.'
I laughed at that
Who knew Magpie could make a joke?
Maybe she wasn't such a prude after all
In that moment
I wished I had actually tried to get to know her
Or at least opened the window for her
'Pray for me, will you?'
'I don't pray. But I'll throw a bottle in the sea for you.'
'What are you going to put in that bottle, Wildcat?'
'A plea to the gods that Momma doesn't find you until after she's lost the use of her hands.'
'Why are you going to ask for that?'
'Because if she can still use them when she finds you, she's going to strangle you, Magpie.'
'Amen to that.'
I wasn't sure you could
'Amen to that'
But I didn't say anything
I just helped her out the window
And then walked back downstairs
Daisy was ironing Hubert's shirt
When I made the announcement
That Magpie had taken off
And had taken Tate with her
But that she looked just lovely
In her dress
It took smelling salts
To bring Daisy back to consciousness
And as for Momma
She was convinced I'd had something to do with it
'Momma,' I said, 'If I could take credit for this, believe me, I would.'
And with that
I packed up my suitcase
And headed for my graduation
Fully planning
On returning the teapot
I'd bought for Magpie's wedding present
And glad I'd kept the receipt
. . . . .
The first time I wore a dress
After Magpie's wedding that wasn't
Was at Daisy's anniversary party
Thrown by the grand dame herself
I don't think Daisy ever quite got over
Magpie backing out of her wedding
And since Lee, Hubert, and I
Were all confirmed spinsters
She was forced to throw herself
Another wedding
To hold her over
Until one of the twins tied the knot
The anniversary dinner was being held
At the nicest restaurant in town
Which meant it was a step above
Your average Olive Garden
Still, Daisy insisted on me
Wearing a dress
Granted, one of my choosing
But since I never did learn to shop
I didn't know that what I had picked
Made me look like a pastry chef
Until I saw the looks on Daisy and Momma's faces
'Something wrong, Daisy?'
'You look like a prison matron.'
'Good to know I have options in case being a heart surgeon doesn't work out.'
'Why did I give birth to such foolishness?'
'Hello to you, too, Momma.'
Lee brought some woman to the restaurant
I wanted to ask who she was
But he beat me to the punch
By jotting down something on a napkin
And handing it to me
'John's sister. Daisy forbid me to bring John.'
I wrote back--
'I would have brought him.'
He giggled
Daisy shot us a look
He jotted down on last thing
When she wasn't looking
'Be good. She's only asking for tonight.'
Still a tall order
In my opinion
Up to that point
I couldn't remember a single night
That Daisy had given me
One that was purely my own
And I doubt my wedding
That mysterious even that I knew would never happen
I don't think Daisy would have let that be mine either
After the meal was over
I gave Momma a polite peck on the cheek
Hubert got the usual light hug
And Lee and John's sister
A lovely woman who I wish Lee could marry
So that we'd have at least one sane woman in the family
The two of them got warm hugs
And promises to get together again soon
As I was walking back to my car
I saw Daisy sitting in hers
All alone in the parking lot
I walked over and tapped on her window
It only took a second to realize she'd been crying
'What's wrong?'
'Get in.'
I hopped into the passenger seat
Not asking where her husband was
She drove us to a nearby diner
Got out of the car without saying a word
And walked in
I followed her into the place
We sat down in a booth
And a waitress came over
Recognizing Daisy by name
And introducing herself to me as Tanya
Tanya already knew Daisy's order
A loaded sundae--and I mean loaded
Surprising since Daisy is fervent
About watching her calories
And considering we'd just eaten
Granted all she'd had was a piece of lettuce
With some parsley sprinkled on top
I asked Tanya for onion rings
And the biggest burger they had
She smiled and asked if I wanted a beer with that
I liked her instantly
Daisy waited until the food came
Then she started talking
'He's seeing a woman.'
'Only seeing?'
'Not funny.'
'Sorry.'
She reached over and grabbed one of my onion rings
I wasn't entirely sure that she wasn't just a robot
Who had taken over my sister's identity
But then she started crying again
And I reached over and touched her hand
'Kick him out.'
'And then what? The girls--'
'You want to teach them to stay with a man who cheats?'
'All men cheat.'
'Daisy--'
'It's true. They all do. They all cheat.'
'And puppies piss on the rug. That's why you tap their nose with a newspaper. In your case, I'd suggest a cleaver and something harder than a tap.'
'You're so crass.'
'And you're Momma.'
That made her cry again
Tanya came over
With an onion ring refill
And another beer
'Tanya, if a man cheated on you--'
'Dick off with a cleaver.'
'See what I'm saying?'
Daisy drove me back to the parking lot
We sat in the car for a few minutes
Then she unlocked my door
And looked at me
With a hard look
That she usually saves for the twins
When she catches them enjoying themselves
'You've done well for yourself, Cat
And I'm proud of you.
Well, not proud.
Envious.
But I guess that's no secret.
You knew you had to get out of here
The minute Momma popped you out
And the rest of us...
We got the message a little late.
But not all of us are Magpie.
Not all of us can just take off
When things get rough.
Some of us stick with what we were handed.
And hope that we'll be rewarded for it
And some greater way.
They say God helps those who helps themselves
But I don't believe you help anybody by running
I got two girls who love and depend on me
And I got a good-for-nothing husband
Who in two more years
Is going to be worth much more than he's worth now
And if I were to get rid of him now
The wife after me would get half of that
Or none of it
Depending on whether she was stupid enough
To sign the pre-nup I never had to.
Now give me a hug
And go change out of that dress.
I know it's making you crazy.'
I thought certain things about people
I thought housewives were people
Who were too stupid or not ambitious enough
To join the general workforce
I thought women who stayed with cheating husbands
Were hoping that their spouses would change
Or that the problem would just go away
And I looked down on them for it
I thought my sister was one of those women
I thought she was everything about women
That I couldn't stand
That I abhorred
And apparently I was wrong
What do you know?
. . . . .
The first time I wore a dress
After the night at the diner
Was for Hubert's birthday party
The big five-oh
Magpie had shown up
After a prolonged absence
With a grown-up son
And a very happy marriage
To someone who was not Tate
Lee came with John
Much to Daisy's dismay
Much more so to Momma's
Until Lee revealed that John's family
Is much, much richer than ours
Money cures all social woes
Apparently Hat Trick hadn't worked out
But John's family's stocks did
And now he and Lee were living the good life
John's sister sent her best wishes
Daisy was also doing well for herself
Her husband had made much more money
Than even she had anticipated
And it had allowed her to leave earlier as well
Momma now had two divorced daughters
And one who was a matrimonial atheist
For those reasons
We weren't allowing her near any sharp knives
Celebrating Hubert's birth
Was a bit like an afterthought
Since Hubert was always the quietest
Pretty much an afterthought to every family event
And family squabble as far back as I could remember
We brought out the cake
Candles all lit
And sang the birthday song
Clapping our hands when it was done
Then Hubert stood
'I'd like to say something'
We all sat down
More out of shock
Than anything else
I honestly couldn't remember
The last time I heard Hubert form a sentence
I remember the dress I was wearing
A high-end number
Given to me by an Austrian businessman
Who had hoped he could bed me
After I operated on his daughter
He wasn't so lucky
But I kept the dress
'Thank you all for coming tonight.
I know you have busy lives.
Families.
People you love.
And who love you.
I'm not a man of many words
As you all know.
But I just wanted to let you know...
That I'm...
I'm...'
He started to shake
And Momma rushed over to him
Daisy was right behind her
Lee and I just looked at each other
Magpie put her hand over her eyes
Probably wishing she had stayed away
Momma took Hubert up to bed
Then came back down
And let us in on the family secret
That she'd been keeping
For the past year
'He's sick.
Very sick.
He's glad you all came back.
Because he might not be here
For another birthday.
So thank you.
But I'm very tired.
And he's already sleeping.
So everybody should drive safe
And go home.'
Ever the hostess
She went to get our coats
We all sat in stunned silence
Except Daisy
Who probably already knew
Not because Momma told her
But because she's right below Hubert on the totem pole
And could probably sense
That the time had come
For her to rise up to the top
I went upstairs
And walked into Hubert's room
He was laying in bed
But I knew he wasn't sleeping
I figured I had a few minutes
Before Momma came hunting for me
'Were you trying to sneak in here, Wildcat?'
'I don't sneak in anywhere.'
'You sure don't. Not with those heavy feet.'
'I suppose not.'
'What'd you come in here for? A fancy speech?'
'No, I'm not much for speeches.'
'Good, because I don't have one.'
'Good.'
'Good.'
I sat next to my big brother's bed
We didn't speak
We just sat
I sat there in that dress
And stared at my brother
Until I knew he was asleep
And then
And only then
Did I let myself entertain the possibility
That I might never see him this peaceful again
. . . . .
The first time I wore a dress
After Hubert's somber birthday party
Was at my mother's funeral
A few years later
It was very different from my father's funeral
Not as many strangers
Just family
And friends of family
My dress was still uncomfortable
And my siblings teased me about it
How I squirmed and scratched
I allowed it
Because I knew we all needed something
To laugh about
Before she died
My mother and I still weren't very close
But I used to go to her in the hospital
And read to her from the tabloids
Somewhere in there
We developed a simple but satisfactory friendship
That made me very happy
I sat with my siblings
While our respective loved ones
Sat behind and around us
Waiting
To see if we'd need them
Lee held my hand
While John and his sister looked on
We whispered jokes to each other
Because we knew it would have driven Momma crazy
And it just wouldn't be a day with her
Without driving her a little crazy
Magpie had her arm around my shoulder
Her husband and son were there
We would all be attending her son's wedding
A few months later
Where Daisy had ordered all windows
Nailed shut
Daisy was shooting me looks
But I knew that was only because
She considered herself my mother now
And that was just fine with me
Her new husband was there
And both her girls look fantastic
One of them was studying medicine
But I honestly can't remember which
Still it thrilled me to no end
Hubert had beat the odds
He was still with us
And doing quite well
He had started seeing a very nice woman
And she was there in support of him
Daisy had offered to let him move in with her
When he called to tell me that
We both laughed for almost ten minutes
I sat there in my dress
Knowing it would be the last time I wore one
I'd wear a pantsuit to my nephew's wedding
And that would be fine
Right now
I'm just Crazy Auntie Wildcat
And I love that title more than you can know
I don't mind wearing dresses anymore
But my brothers and sisters don't care if I do
They're happy to have me there
In whatever I happen to be wearing
As long as I'm happy
And comfortable
And with them
I think of that while I'm slipping out of my dress that night
And into a nice, hot bath
Sipping wine
And thinking of Momma
'Why did I give birth to such foolishness?'
Cheers
