Lydia Leaves the Building

-- I read somewhere about Laura Bush leaving the White House, and it made the idea pop into my head of a woman leaving a place she's never really been entitled to, but learned to call her home anyway. I didn't want to do a First Lady monologue, as I think Curtis Sittenfield did that quite nicely in "American Wife," but hey, Mrs. Bush isn't the only woman living in a big house. --

"Lydia Leaves the Building"

Cara?
Can you help me here?
This painting is huge
How did we get it in here?
I just don't know
I really don't

Maybe we should ask Charles for help
You know what?
Let's have a drink first
Sit down

Oh, it's all right, Cara
You can go off the clock for a second
I'm still the one holding the clock
Remember?

You're new boss isn't here yet

Ugh
Look at that painting
Isn't it hideous?
I don't care
I'm taking it with me
It's mine after all
I bought it
With my squandered inheritance
Back when I thought I knew art
Now I know I know art
And that ain't art
But still
It's coming with me

Do you want a lemon?
In your drink?
Oh Cara, stop it
It's nearly three
You'll never make it to five
If you don't have something
To relax you

Well I don't know how you do it
I really don't
I can't even contemplate
Living past four
If I don't have a tonic or two

Just sit with me, Cara
Sit with the Mean Boss
The one on the way out
Humor her one last time
Before she's cast out into the street
Like a vagabond

God
That painting
It makes me want to Pollock it
Do you suppose the man who painted it
Knew what he was doing?
Did he plan on making it
Some sort of elaborate ruse?

Did he know that he could just
Make something that awful
And it wouldn't matter
Because some dumb rich woman
Would still buy it
And have it prominently displayed in her home
Then never be able to take it down
Because it's two stories tall

It's a building
A high-rise
It's the Towering Inferno
Of bad paintings

Refill my drink, Cara
Well, I didn't mean to down it
But sometimes things just happen
Now please
Less talk
More pour

. . . . .

I forgot, Cara
I forgot that I didn't own this house
I mean I knew
But I just...
Stopped thinking about it
At a certain point

How's Charles doing?
Is he still sick?
Poor thing
He's going to die working for Sheila
That much I'm sure of

Charles needs a gentle touch
That's why I never made him
Wash the car on Thursdays
Thursdays are when he has his panic attacks
And you just have to let him rest
But Sheila won't care about that
She'll want the car washed when she wants it washed
And to Hell with anybody else's feelings about it

But don't you let her boss you around, Cara
You're too good for that
She may be your boss
And have the power to fire you
But that doesn't make her right

Just nod your head at her a lot
And then do whatever you want
She'll never notice

The woman has blind taste
She'd probably love this painting
That's the only reason I'm taking it with me
Because she'll see it as a loss
When really I'm doing her a favor

Do not let her walk all over you
Like she tries to walk all over me
You have to stand up for yourself, Cara
You're too much of a doormat

Oh, and for godsakes
Drink the drink!
Stop sipping it like it's hot chocolate
It won't burn your tongue
My goodness
You look like a kitten
Lapping at a saucer

. . . . .

Do you know she used to act?
Sheila
That's right
An actress

HA!

Sorry
I always laugh
When I say that

Yes, Cara
My sister was an actress
An actress
A thespian
If you can call it that

She was friends with this man
Who used to write these little monologues
And she'd perform them
At all sorts of places
All of them dirty
And in bad neighborhoods

What were they about?

Oh
The usual
Life
How hard life is
Hating your life
Life, life, life
All the dreary stuff

I went to one of the performances once
Everything was so insightful
I hate insight
It feels like someone punching you in the chest
After an entire evening of it
I swear I developed a bruise
Right underneath my shoulder

But now she's all done with all that
Now she wants to come home
And she doesn't want me to be here
Because we don't get along
So out I go

She's failed at being an actress
Failed even more at being a sister
And a daughter, and an heir
And now she wants to fail at being a socialite
It would be comical if I weren't the one
Trapped in the punchline

Daddy didn't want to leave her the house
But he felt bad
Because I got everything
When Mother died

When she passed away
I got more than Daddy did
So perhaps he was even a little bitter
Who can tell?

Not that Mother had much
It wasn't like she invested
Or anything like that
It was just jewelry
And whatever she had saved
Which I then used
To procure hideous art
And trips to South Africa

Well, South Africa WAS the place to be
At the time
Back before they got all touchy
About apartheid

So Sheila got the house
And I got more money
Which I managed to keep
Until Roger came along

Oh, he's not a bad man, Cara
You can't think that of him like that
He's had such a hard time
What with having to leave here
And his job...

It's unfair to make a man
Hold that much on his shoulders
Running a company
As large as Famco
Is like running a small country
It needs a strong hand
It needs a dictator
A tyrant
Not a loving
Supportive
Franciscan monk

Oh, I don't say he's done his job well
I'm not a fool
I read the papers
I know he was in over his head
The buy-out is a godsend
When he told me about it
I was so happy
I almost considered kissing him

I think he's the reason
Sheila's making us leave
She'd put up with me
But never him

She's on her high horse
Where Roger is concerned
Because she's so political
Because she has thoughts
Real political thoughts

HA!

The last time she voted
She had to have someone
Explain to her
What the lever was for

But now she's a liberal
And now she hates my husband
She says he's sucked the poor dry
As if he's running a manor or something
With the villagers scurrying at his feet
Begging for bread scraps

She says he knew
People were going to get laid off
She says that he knew
And he didn't say anything

Well of course he knew!
People always get laid off
We're in a recession
That's what happened
People lose their jobs!

And of course he knew
Who wouldn't know that?
It's basic economics after all
I don't know why
Nobody saw it coming

He lost his job too
It just so happens
That unlike some people
Who go out and splurge
On luxury items
Like trips to London
To perform in ridiculous monologue shows
He managed to save

Honestly
If you waste your money
You can't complain
When there isn't any more of it
That's what foolish spending
Gets you

Oh, Cara
Hand me the jade lemonade pitcher
Careful of the diamond handle
I'm just going to pour the rest of this in there
And then stick a straw in it
Why bother with glasses?

. . . . .

He hasn't been a bad husband
He may not be a good man
But I can't complain
Because he didn't promise me that
He didn't promise
To be a decent person

He didn't promise to be good
He just promised to be good to me
To me
That's the part I can hold him to
Nothing else

And he's done that
He's been good
Aside from the lying
But considering it was the same lies
He told everybody else
I don't see how I can be mad

It's part of the job after all
It's what I knew
When I married him
It was what I signed up for
And it's awarded me
A lovely life

But if it came down
To keeping him
Or keeping this house
The place where I grew up
That reminds me of Mother
And Daddy too

Oh
That would be a hard choice

But luckily
I don't have to make the choice
Even if I got rid of him
Sheila would still want me out
And so that's that

Now
Go see if Charles is feeling better
We have to get this painting down

Oh
Don't cry, Cara
You're going to make me cry
Then when Charles sees us
He'll have one of his attacks
And then we'll all be
One big disaster

I'll miss our little talks so much
You were such good help to me
And not just because you're quiet
And you didn't believe me
All those times I fired you

I can live without the house
It'll hurt, but I can do it
But you, Cara
And Charles...

All I can think is
Who's going to help me now?