I Still Don't Want You Having Sex

I'm happy

I'm deliriously

Feverishly

Happy

I'm giddy

I make cookies

Just for fun

I dance around rooms

To music on my stereo

Like a buffoon

I have monogamy

I have intimacy

I have camaraderie

I'm settled

And satisfied

And yet...

I still don't want you having sex

I don't want anyone touching you

Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever

I don't want anyone dating you

And making you laugh so hard

You shake your head back and forth

As if refuting some horrible statement

You can't bear to believe

It's been five years since the break-up

And I still don't want anyone

Kissing the insides of your thighs

Biting the back of your legs--playfully

Breathing into your ear

Making you claw whole chunks out of their back

With your fingernails

I still don't want you having sex

I'm mature

I'm an adult

I understand

That I've moved on

That you must too

But when I saw your photo

And I saw you standing next to

That Guy

On the Society Page

Of a newspaper I rarely look at

I felt a wave of jealously

And childishness

Sweep over me

Like dust cloud in the desert

I didn't want him near you

I didn't want any man near you

I wanted you to become chaste

I wanted your genitalia to fall off

I wanted you to turn into a doll

A life-sized chaste doll

That can't bend because it has no joints

And can't love because it has no heart

And can't have sex

Because it is NOT

An anatomically correct doll

I saw his arm around you

And I wanted to murder

Everyone in his family

And chew off his nose

I didn't know I was capable

Of rage like this

And the person I love

Looked at me

Across the breakfast table

And said--

'What's wrong?'

And what could I say?

I couldn't say--

'My ex is still having sex.'

Because that merely would have elicited a--

'Duh'

Or more dangerously a--

'Why do you care?'

And so I said nothing

Claimed I was feeling under the weather

But I gripped that paper in my hand

So tightly

That before I knew it

I was holding a ball of newspaper

With you crushed into the middle

It's not that I'd mind you moving on

Dating others

That I've accepted

I want you to be okay

And sane

And mostly delightful

I just don't want you having sex

The thought of someone else

Doing what we did

And perhaps

Doing it better

Is enough to make me scream

As I did in the shower

Claiming it was the sudden jolt

Of unexpected cold water

That brought it on

When I was questioned

Through the bathroom door

I kept wondering--

Does he know about your knee?

Does he know about your eyelids?

Does he know where on your back...?

And how far down...?

And exactly how to...?

It felt like sizing up an opponent

But one I would never get to take on

Because I am happy

And you're happy

And everyone's happy

And I still don't want you having sex

Why is that the one thing I can't get past?

Why is that the one thing that drives me crazy?

Why is the thought of you loving another man

Not bothersome at all

But the thought you simply rolling around naked with one

Enough to destroy me?

Is it because I'm a man?

Am I that typical?

That much of a cliche?

Should I simply pick up a club

And reinvent the wheel

While standing outside my cave?

Or am I kidding myself?

Am I really miserable?

Do I hate my life?

Up until the Society Page

Had all those feelings of contentment

Been one grand delusion?

I don't know

I just know

That I never knew

How much I missed you

Until I saw that photo

And saw how happy you were

How happy I didn't think you could be

Without me

And I won't speak of it

I won't pursue it

I won't think of it

Or at least

I'll try not to

But I still don't feel right

I still don't feel over this

I still don't feel better

I still don't think there was closure

I still don't want someone else

Having what we had

And having it better

I still don't want you to love him

More than you loved me

And I still don't want you having sex