We're Wasting Our Lives

-- I liked this idea the minute it popped into my head. For one thing, it deals with someone coming to the realization that they might have wasted their life, which is always comic gold. Secondly, everybody else has already come to this conclusion about this type of person and the life they lead. Thirdly, it's what I like to think of as an Iceman monologue-someone telling a group of people something they don't want to hear, and essentially cutting ties with this group that up until now has been the only understanding element of his life. Let's see how this goes. --

"We're Wasting Our Lives"

Gobba Fry Tingo
Nee Cue Fon
Dais I Dais

My fellow Balovarians
It is my honor
To be giving the Chief Address
Once again this year
At this prestigious convention

But I'm afraid I bring no glad tidings
No, this will not be like last year's speech
When I promised you that with much effort
We would finally see the return
Of our much-praised
And far-too-prematurely canceled
Work-of-art-television-program
Space Vixens of Tonton

Back then
I thought what I was fighting for
Was the universal acceptance
Of this hidden gem
--This unacknowledged masterpiece--
It was all I believed in
It was all I needed to believe in
My brothers and sisters of the Quise
I was wrong

We were all wrong
And today I am here to tell you
The deepest
--Though it may be the most painful--
Truth

We have wasted our lives

I don't mean to alarm any of you
Or perhaps I do
Perhaps we need to be alarmed
For we are sleeping
My brothers and sisters
We are sleeping
And we will not wake up
Until we...
Um...
WAKE UP

Look at us
We are wearing fake noses
Modeled after the Pleeties of Gobro
People that do not exist
From a planet that might exist
But probably doesn't

This isn't living!

On my way here
I was sleeping soundly
When suddenly I was jolted awake
By what felt like a...a...a...
Well
Like a Gnaneh shaking a Rwu Rwu tree
There
I see you get my meaning

It turns out that my plane
Had flown into a rather bad storm
And was considering an emergency landing
Needless to say
I panicked

It is rather sad to say
That when my life flashed before my eyes
Most of what I saw
I am seeing before me now
A bunch of grown adults
Dressed up like elves
And obese intergalactic dominatrixes

I'm sorry, Melissa
I didn't mean to single you out

The only highlights of my life
Have been these conferences
And although I have greatly enjoyed...

Oh, who am I kidding?
Who are any of us kidding?
I come here every year
Hoping there will be somebody here
Worth sleeping with
Who wants to sleep with me
And who appreciates the fact
That I have over seventeen model Enterprises
Made out of tic tacs

I'm here because I couldn't master the world
Oh sure, I could master other worlds
Elaborate, intricate worlds
Where oxen speak and mate with trolls
Or worlds where the language
Is simply Greek
But spelled backwards

I understand those worlds
But those worlds
AREN'T REAL

This is the world we have to live in
Brothers and Sisters
These are the lives we've been given
To do our best with
Even if we face obstacles in doing so
Even if we were picked on in school
Or divorced by our wives
Or evicted from our apartments
Because our ferrets got pregnant
And we couldn't bear to get rid of the offspring
So instead
We dressed them up like X-Men
And let them take over our bathrooms

Forget all of that!
It doesn't matter
All that matters is that we have to go
We have to leave this conference
Right now
Even if it is non-refundable
And go out into the world

We have to be real people
With real lives
Doing real things

Balovarians,

Haven't you ever wanted to play a game
That involved walking or touching people?
A game besides laser tag
Like soccer or basketball?

Haven't you ever wanted to eat at a restaurant
Where they don't make the servers
Dress up like medieval princesses
And call you sire?

Haven't you ever wanted to talk to someone
Really talk to them?
Not online where both of you are using fake names
And the intent is to cyber
While you cry because you know
You're probably just talking to Clive in San Diego again?

Sorry, Clive
But I'm merely speaking the truth

I beg you all
Don't even finish listening to me
Go
Go now
Go out into that vast world
Of reality and human connection

Go out and meet people
Make friends
Make enemies
Just do something
Stop wasting your lives
Waiting for the Star Trek prequel to arrive
So that you can rip it apart
For its inaccuracies

--For we know there will be many--

Be real people
Even when it hurts
Even when it's uncomfortable
Even when it means letting down your guard
And being someone other than an ogre
Or an invincible Trellat

When it means being human
You still have to do it

Brothers and Sisters
We've been wasting our lives
But that stops here
Here, today
Right now

Thank you

Oh
And management would like me to remind you
That the discussion on Buffy Season Five
Will be held in just five minutes