"Terminal"
Grandpa
Everyone's here
They've come to say good-bye
Aunt Anne is here
Uncle Stan is here
Cousin Beth flew in
From Hawaii
We're all, Grandpa
Mom just went downstairs
To get everybody some coffee
And gather her thoughts
So...
Anne, close the door
CLOSE IT, ANNE!
WE TALKED ABOUT THIS
All right, Grandpa
Here's the deal
We think you can pull through this
All of us have talked
And we are convinced
That you do not have to die today
Aunt Anne has seen you
Eat three steaks
In the span of one hour
Plus creamed corn
Granted
That may have been what you got you here
But nevertheless
That takes guts
Uncle Stan watched you wrestle a hog
When it broke out of its pen
On Great-Grandpa's farm
He says you wrestled it
And brought it down
In under a minute
He also says you spanked it a few times
As if taunting it
But that really doesn't lend itself
To any sort of point
Cousin Beth says she had to move to Hawaii
Because when you found out
That she was going to marry someone
Who wasn't Catholic
You raised your rocking chair above your head
And threw it through a window
She was so terrified of you
She left the continental U.S., Grandpa
That's what she knows of your strength
And now here you are
And you're dying
You're terminal
That's what the doctors say
But we know better
I remember when I was little
You used to lift up cars
Just to show off
And I've forgiven you
For dropping that Buick
On my pet turtle
Truth be told
We're all ready to let you go
We think you've led a long life
A good one?
Well, who's to say?
But Mom isn't ready yet
She's devastated
She
For some unknown reason
Is quite fond of you
Aunt Anne thinks
It's because you never shot at Mom's prom date
But I'm sure you did something horrible to her
And she's just suppressed it
Point being
Grandpa
You're not allowed to die
You can't
You don't have to
And we know this
Because you've never
Done anything
You didn't want to do
We think you're just mad
Because you can't threaten us
Or punch holes in walls
Or bend steel anymore
Well too bad
You're old now
You're feeble
You can't hurt us
And come to think of it
We want to be able to enjoy that
And Mom needs you
And we love her
So you're going to pull through this
Because if you don't
No funeral
That's right
You heard me
No funeral
No gravestone
No wake
Nothing fancy
We're fire up the furnace
And dump your ashes
In the nearest body of water
Puddles included
We know how much you want a legacy
So we thought we'd use that as initiative
To get you up and running again
So think it over
Survive
Or you might find yourself
Living out eternity
In a goldfish bowl
In some homeless person's shopping cart
It's really up to you
Oh
Here comes Mom
Do us all one more favor
Tell her you saw the light
And tell her God
Wants her to stop wearing beige
Love you, Grandpa
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