No, I Can't Introduce You to Connery

-- At Bob's request, this is the first monologue I've written as part of my "Give Me a Title" challenge.  Let's see how it goes. --

"No, I Can't Introduce You to Connery"

Yes

Take the canape

Eat it slowly

Look around the room

Be awed

But don't show it

No

We can't stay long

The woman over there

She hates your dress

Because she owns it

And now she can't wear it

So she hates you

So we have to leave

Sooner rather than later

Which is fine

Don't

Spit

Out

The

Canape

I know it's disgusting

But you need to swallow it

Swallow it and smile

Pretend you love it

Of course you hate it

We all do

Everybody hates it

But we're all swallowing

And you can too

Just gulp

Don't savor

There's no savoring that shit

Just swallow

No, I can't introduce you to Connery

Because he's not here

That's Mark Tanker

Head of Digimont

He's producing 'Sugar'

Superhero movie

Based on a graphic novel

That a bunch of eternally pubescent

Too-good-to-call-it-a-comic book

Never-getting-laid geeks just adore

It'll open at number one

It'll stay there for two weeks

It'll kill in foreign markets

It will make a star

Out of whoever sucks off Mr. Tanker tonight

And gets that role

That's going to be you

You're going to be Sugar, Jan

Nice and sweet

You get it?

Don't walk away

Let me talk

This isn't a casting couch situation

I'm not pimping you out

This isn't Fame

And you aren't Coco

So don't worry

No lollipops

Just good old dicks

You can handle that

Can't you?

You think Charlize Theron never did it?

You think Jessica Lange never did it?

You think Kim Novak never did it?

They all did it

And you're going to do it

Hell, I'd do it

If that asshole would let me

Do you know what it took

To get you into this party?

Do you know

That the only reason you're here

Is because my brother

Happens to play in a band

That Mark Tanker's grandson

Happens to like

Do you know the odds of that?

Do you understand how lucky we are?

Do you think I'm going to stay with you

Any longer than tonight

If you turn down this opportunity?

This is it, Jan

This is our Indecent Proposal

Never mind

I see getting Netflix

Was a complete waste

I need you to do this, sugar

See how good that sounds?

My sugar

So nice and sweet

Eat the fucking canape

I don't care

Have more

Everyone else is having more

You have more

And you work your way over there

You talk to Mr. Tanker

Imagine he's Connery if it helps

Mrs. Tanker's already upstairs

Passed out or fucking her own age

Which means significantly younger than her husband

You go over there

And you charm that old bastard

You make him think he's Hugh Fucking Hefner

And you're a kitten waiting for him in the grotto

Or I'm sending you back to Seattle

And you can rot there

And do bad poetry

And your fucking bad coffeeshop

Guitar bullshit

Every Tuesday with the patchouli fucks

I'll find another girl

Right here at this party

With the drive I got

With the ambition I'm sporting

With the will to make something of herself

And do the time-honored tradition

Of screwing the Important

Rather than just the Available

Go get that role, Jan

Or get lost

. . . . .

Hey

Wait a minute

Before you go

Swallow

Swallow the canape

And see if you can smile

While you do it