I say forgive
I say forgive because
Because
Because what choice is there?
The choice to be like Julie?
Like Mack's mother?
Be an awful
Horrible
Angry person
All day long?
I choose not to do that
I choose not to disgrace
The memory my child
By turning into an ogre
In her name
They say I'm religious
What does that have to do with anything?
What does that have to do with the fact
That I choose not to attack a man
Verbally
Physically
Constantly
Over something that's done
It's done
It's over
And we all have to move on
We have to get on with our lives
I loved my daughter
She was my ocean
My vast ocean
That knew no boundaries
That's how much love I had for her
But she's gone
That ocean has dried up
And I have to find something else
Not to love in its place
But to love
And thereby
Make her proud
Do you think Mack
Is proud of his mother?
That may be a potshot
But honestly
Do you?
Do you think anybody
Could be proud of that woman
And how she's been acting?
Demanding Paul be killed
Like he killed our children
And I shouldn't say killed
Because it was an accident
A horrible accident
But an accident still
And how horrible an accident is
Does not change what it is
It is an accident
You know
When I was young
When I first started driving
I had an accident
I was driving
Along an icy road
And my car skidded
I hit a car carrying a man
And his young son
Coming back from a ballgame
They were both killed
I was merely scratched
It was an accident
You say it's not the same?
Because Paul had been drinking?
I'll tell you a secret
I'll tell you all a secret
That I've never told anyone
I was drinking that night
I had gotten into my Dad's scotch
To give me some courage
Before I went over to my girl's house
And asked her to marry me
I took the lives of those two people
The same way that Paul took the life of my Annabelle
And to be honest
I didn't know if I was forgiven
I didn't know for a long time
I prayed on it
I prayed for years
Begging for an answer
I came into churches just like this one
And fell to my knees
Hoping God would tell me
That He wasn't ashamed of me
That He still loved me
That He hadn't cast me into darkness
But I got no word from Him
Then I wake up one night
And I get a phone call
About my daughter
About an accident
And it was...
I thought it was retribution
For what I had done
For taking the life
Of a man and his child
All those years later
I now had to lose my child
My life
My dreams
All gone
And it was revenge
Wasn't it?
Wasn't it just to get back at me?
Wasn't God getting back at me?
Wasn't He just being petty?
Wasn't that the truth?
And I never blamed Paul
Because I didn't think it was about Paul
He had lost his wife
He at least had a reason for drinking
And they say he was going to end his life
Well at least he was doing something
I was just trying to overcome jitters
The jitters of a child
A coward
Who could get into a car
Ready to start a new life
And take two in his rush
That's who I was
That's what I did
And Paul was just the collector
Come to take what I had taken
Eye for an eye
That's what I believed
You know
When I was younger
In school
Third grade
I was sent to the principal's office
Because I sat behind a young boy
An awful boy
Who always did the wrong thing
But the teacher
My teacher
Was very old
And couldn't see very well
So she'd always think she saw me
Doing these stupid
Childish
Things
And I always got in trouble
And I couldn't express what I knew
That an injustice was being done to me
I didn't know how to say that
I was never good speaking my mind
I didn't get good at that
Until after that night with the icy roads
When I thought God had left me
It was then I developed a voice
Just to cry out to him
In the hopes that he would hear me
But as a child
I couldn't speak
I couldn't stand up for myself
Do you know
When I was much older
I ran into that teacher again
She was retired
And on the verge of death
And she had a kind smile for me
Even though
She still remembered me
As the nasty boy
Who she had often punished
And do you know
I still felt resentment towards her?
Because it was still an injustice
What she had done
Rather than admit
She couldn't see
She punished an innocent boy
Who grew meeker
And more scared
Every time he was disciplined
For something he didn't do
Who's to say she isn't responsible
For what happened that night
With the icy roads?
She created that boy
Who couldn't speak
And who created her?
How far back do we have to go?
Where do you place blame
For things like that
I want to ask Mack's mother
Where we should place our blame
That will hide it well
That will dull its ache
That will shoulder its burden
Where should I put my blame?
The first time I saw Paul
After the accident
Did I not feel angry?
Oh yes
Yes, of course
I did
But then
Another thought occurred
I somehow thought
If I could forgive this man
I could find forgiveness
From God and for myself
For what I had done
All those years ago
So I forgave him
I embraced the man
I felt his tears on my shoulder
And I told him it was all right
That I could release him from what he had done
The way nobody ever released me
But do you know
It didn't work
I didn't feel better
I didn't feel like God had forgiven me
And I still hated myself
For what happened all those years ago
And it didn't matter
That now I had also been wronged
The act was still there
Sitting there
In a past that didn't seem so distant
And it still wrung me dry
Every morning when I awoke
No matter how hard I prayed
So I tried to convince others
I said forgive
Forgive
Please
And who was I asking for
For Paul?
For me?
Who knows?
But I begged for it
I begged Mack's mother
And she slapped me
And that slap felt good
It felt like the punishment
I never got
Because my father was well-connected
Because it was
After all
An accident
Because I was too cowardly to demand it
That I face consequences
That I know pain
For the pain I had caused
I couldn't convince Julie to forgive Paul
And now I stand here
In front of all of you
My congregation
My family
My confessors
Looking for my forgiveness
Looking for that hiding place
Where you can set your grief and guilt
Your memories and your heartbreak
Your lies and your sins
And walk away from them
Never having to look back
How can I not forgive this man?
Knowing what he's going through
Knowing Hell is on Earth
And it's present
And it's not for the dead
It's for those who see them
Everywhere
I thought giving forgiveness
Would silence those ghosts
But it didn't
It never will
An injustice never goes away
It lingers and haunts
It goes from one person to another
A woman gets old
She loses her sight
A boy is tormented
He loses his will
A man and his son are in the wrong place
They lose their lives
It never stops being an injustice
And it masks itself as an accident
So I ask you for this
Pray for me
Though you may find me repugnant
Though you may turn away from me
Though you may want to strike me yourself
I welcome you to
Pray for me
Pray for me knowing
That one day
You may need those same prayers
For yourself
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