What Looks Like a Boat on a Deserted Island

I’ve thought just about everything

Was a boat

I saw a piece of driftwood

Floating on the ocean

And I waved and screamed

And then eventually

Got brave

And swam out to it

And it was driftwood

And I was so upset

I nearly drowned

Not because I forgot

How to stay afloat

But because for a minute there

I lost the will to do it

Now when I see things
I see them without hope

First no hope

Then hope

But I haven’t gotten to hope

In a long, long time

I haven’t hallucinated yet

But I’m looking forward to it

I’d love to see one of those little bars spring up

An oasis

A place in the middle of the trees

Where there are people

And cocktails
And conversation

I don’t care if none of it’s real

It would just be nice to know

My brain is trying to protect itself

Or keep me entertained

The other day

A dolphin came up
Out of the water

And I thought it was a submarine

But I didn’t hope

And so when it turned out

To be a dolphin

I was just happy

That it was a dolphin

Then a shark sprung up

And ate the dolphin

And then a whale came up

And ate the shark

And then the whale wound up beached

On the sand

And I ate it

Over the course of a few days

Before the rest of it rotted

Under the Pacific sun

I had a fire

And it tasted like cod

My dad used to make cod

And cheeseburgers

And he liked making cheesecake

And I don’t know why

I don’t know why cheesecake

My mother didn’t make anything

But she would let us eat

Whatever we wanted

And she was the one

Who taught us

How to swim

The other day I thought of my mom

And tried to draw her picture

In the sand

But it just looked like sand

My mother was a very permanent person

And that’s probably why

She doesn’t lend herself to being granular

An hour ago

Something that looked like a boat

Was on the horizon

And it still looked like a boat
Even as it got closer

And closer

Finally, it made it to the beach

And I walked up to it

And it was empty

But it was still...a boat

I got in the boat

I got out

I didn’t trust it

I didn’t trust--

I didn’t hope

For it to be

What it was

Because so many other things

Had looked like boats

That weren’t

And if you get in a boat

And it’s not a boat

And you take it out

Onto the ocean

You’ll drown

Because you think you’re in a boat

You think you’re held up

And you’re not

You’re not held up by anything

But your own delusional

So I got out of the boat

And I pushed it

Into the water

And pushed it again and again

Until it was back on the water

And that night

I went to sleep

And when I woke up
The boat was gone

Was it ever really there?

I don’t know

But the picture of my mother

In the sand

Looked a little more like my mother

Than it had the day before

Isn’t that strange?

I find it very

Strange

All the Boys in Calvin Klein

I was working at the refreshment table

And nobody would come anywhere near me

Because people weren’t really eating

In the early 90’s

Let alone models

And you had all these boys

In Calvin Klein

I was nineteen

So I was about the same age

As most of them

If not younger

Two weeks after I got to the city

From Wichita

I got this job

Handling the food

At some of these modeling shoots

And this is when every modeling shoot

Involving men and men’s clothing

Featuring barely legal young guys

In white Calvin Klein underwear

Even if the clothes weren’t Calvin Klein

And even if nobody was wearing

Any clothes

It was the same shoot

Day after day

My girlfriend back home was named Polly

I’m not joking

And, uh, we were going to get married

Once I made enough money in New York

To move her to the city with me

At which point I’m sure we would’ve been

The Joe and Harper Pitt of the Bronx

I had this little apartment

And a neighbor named Jupiter

Who did tarot readings

And cooked for me every night

Life wasn’t all that bad

Except for the fact

That the life I was walking towards

Was the life I wanted

To run away from

One day I’m at a shoot--

And--I have to say--

The models never talked to me

And it might have been because

The model’s didn’t snack

And it might have been because

I had acne and a weird haircut

And I did not look anything like

Anybody else in the room

Not even close

--But one day one of the guys talked to me

This really nice guy

Beautiful, right?

He was--

He had been at a few other shoots

He was really in demand at the time, I think

And he walks up to me

And starts to make conversation

And my heart is--

I couldn’t even--

I don’t know what I said

I gave him my name

I think I said something about how hot it was

Outside, not the, uh, you know, situation

He was very friendly

And then right before

He had to go back to work

Being gorgeous and making money for it

He asked if I wanted to get a drink
After the shoot

And I think I said ‘Flerg mashpea’

Or something like that

But he nodded

And I nodded

And I listened to the name of the bar

And what time

And then he walked back over

To take some more photos

Next to twelve other guys

Who were all better looking than I was

And that day

After the shoot

I got on a bus
And I went back to Wichita

I never met him for the drink

I never, uh…

But when I got back to Wichita

I broke up with Polly

I came out to my family

And a few months after that

I met this really wonderful guy

At a supermarket

Of all places

And we moved in together

And we’ve been, uh, pretty much inseparable

Ever since

And last week

This guy, who I love,

Who’s been my entire life

For almost thirty years

He walks into the bedroom

Wearing a pair of Calvin Klein underwear

And, uh, he’s my age, you know

And neither one of us is--

We’re not models

We’re--we look our age

And our bodies--look that way too

And, uh, he comes in

And all he has on

Are the Calvin Klein underwear

Which I’ve never seen him wear before

And I look at him

And I smile

And he sees me smiling

And says ‘What?’

Kind of with a laugh

Like the laugh you laugh
When the person who loves you

Looks at you with that

‘You’re really very beautiful’

Kind of look

And that’s how I was looking at him

And he said ‘What?’

And I said--

‘You should be a model’

And, you know, I meant it

I really meant it

He had on those Calvin Klein’s and--

They never

Looked

Better

What I'm Legally Required To Tell You About This House

So there’s what I can tell happily tell you

And what I can happily tell you

Is that this is a lovely neighborhood

Just so safe, so nice

Such, uh, great schools, uh, nearby

And everyone’s so, uh, friendly

So--what I can, uh, legally, tell you

About the house

What I, uh, have to, uh, tell you

Not that I wouldn’t

Even if I didn’t, uh, legally, have to

I like to be very transparent with people

Very, uh, upfront, so--

But also the law requires me

To, uh, be that way

So, let’s, uh--yeah

Well, in this beautiful room

With all the natural light

There are new windows

Because, the, uh, old ones

Were ripped out

By a woman who the neighbors called--

Angry Anne

Apparently, she was very, uh, angry

The nickname was not, you know, ironic

It was, uh, very literal

She was angry

And when she would get angry

She would rip things out of walls, uh,

And then light them on fire

Sometimes in the front yard

Sometimes in the backyard

The beautiful backyard

Where I said you could put a pool if you--

Well, so, I guess, uh, Angry Annie

Had a husband

Who the neighbors called--

Terrible Tim

And Terrible Tim, uh, his nickname

Was also, not, uh, ironic

He was, uh, terrible

And, uh, when he got mad

He would stop up the drains

All over the house

And then turn the water on

And just, uh, flood the place

So I guess you could say

Angry Anne was a fire sign

And Terrible Tim was a water--

Sorry, I was going to make a joke

But I can see you’re pretty disturbed

By all this

Well, so far, I haven’t said anything

That I’m legally required to say

I’m just giving you some background

For when I get to the part I have to tell you

So you can put it in a little, uh, context

So one night

Terrible Tim says something

To make Angry Anne mad

And she says something back

That, uh, he didn’t like

So he does his thing

Of flooding the whole house

And she does her thing

Of ripping things out of the--

She was very strong, apparently

Just, uh, ungodly strong

And, uh, she managed to

Rip one of the cabinets off the wall

Which is why we have these gorgeous

New cabinets in the kitchen

And, uh, she went to throw

The cabinet at him

But she lifted it over her head first

So she could really lob it

And instead, it fell on her

And, uh, knocked her just right

And, well, she, uh, died

They say she might have lived

But when she fell unconscious

She landed in the water

That was pooling up

All over the house

And so, she, uh, drowned

And when Terrible Tim

Who was upstairs at the time sulking

As his wife was drowning

Because he’s, you know, terrible

--By the way, we replaced all the carpet in here

I don’t know if you noticed--

Anyway, he came downstairs

And got very upset

And went to run and get help

Because he couldn’t my his cell phone

I can never find mine either

If I’m being honest

And so he went to get help

And boom!

Slips and falls

Hits his head

Drowns like his wife

The two of them

Just floating face-down in here

Until somebody called the cops

Because the water was pouring out

The front door

So yeah

That’s, uh, well it’s quite a story

You know

You could tell it at dinner parties or--

Yes, let me show you another listing

This is, uh, it might have a little too much

History

For you