Prince Charming Breaks It Off

Look...this just isn't going to work.

For one thing, when we first met
You looked a LOT different

I don't know if it was the lighting
Or the glass shoes
Or the really cool pumpkin we made out in
But things just seem...different now

You're still super nice
But you're also really dirty

I mean, do you bathe? At all?

Yeah, yeah, yeah--evil stepmother
I know, I know
But couldn't you throw some of that water you were scrubbing the floor with
Onto your face every once in awhile?

I'm not asking for a lot here

Plus, you talk to mice

Huh?

Oh right--they talk back...suuuurrreeee....

Look, the point is
I don't think we're a good match

We barely even know each other!

Do you even know my first name?

It's...um...okay, it's something Charming, I know that...

Anyway, I think it's best for both of us
If we call it quits

I need a girl who understands me
A girl who knows what it means to be a princess all the time
Not just until midnight

I need a girl with long hair I can climb up
And swing down, and wrap around myself like a sweater
A hairy blonde sweater and--

What? Is that weird?

Ew, don't judge

You're the one who hangs out with dwarves!

Oh wait, is that not you?

Oh my God, I'm so sorry

That must be the princess from the East Kingdom

Where are you going?

YOU'RE NOT BREAKING UP WITH ME I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!

I AM WITTY AND STRIKING IN APPEARANCE!

Ugh, being charming is so difficult.

Play the Beatles

I have some advice

Play the Beatles

Wait, hear me out

I know some people don't like the Beatles
And by 'some people' I mean--

Fools

Regardless of whether or not you like them
Play the Beatles

On your daughter's first day of Kindergarten
While you hide in the bushes
And tell yourself that's healthy

Play the Beatles

At your son's high school graduation
Where you see that he's painted the words

'This School Can Suck It'

On his graduation cap

Play the Beatles

When you drop your daughter off at college
And you're driving home
Trying to figure out if you should take up
Stamp collecting or archery

Play the Beatles

When you fix your son's tie on his wedding day
Right before you remind him
That if he calls off the whole thing
You can have a taxi there in under an hour

Play the Beatles

When your marriage ends
When you change jobs
When you find a gray hair
Or when you turn sixty-four

Play the Beatles

Play something by the greatest band ever
And remember--

“In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”

Tell me that's not good advice

This Is a Town You Leave

This is a town you leave
Before the road goes down too far
And the early nineties paint dries off
Peeling back and revealing your name
Tattooed on the fence
In front a gas station
Where your house used to be
The house picked up and left
While you were still lingering out front
Trying to decide if now was the time

The Mirror House

Some people swore that the house was haunted. Potts was the only one willing to go in every year and dismantle it. The mirrors had to be taken down separately, then the walls, then the platform. By the time Potts was done, it wasn’t anything much. Once you saw the skeleton of it, the house didn’t seem like something to be scared of.

The year Potts left the carnival was the first year he broke a mirror. It came down on him like a father’s hand—swift and sharp. He was lifting it off the wall when he saw Linda staring back at him.

She was all distorted probably because the mirror she was standing in was the one that makes you look like a snake that just ate a gazelle. The cut went up and out of her waist and he could see the scar tissue wrapping itself around her like her own injury was going to smother her.

Instead of pushing the image away from himself, he pulled it closer. He needed to see her, and the image was so clear despite the distortion the he felt like he could pull her down on top of him the way he used to when they’d be on the Ferris Wheel at night, and he’d pay Rich to leave them up top once most of the customers had gone.

She’d wrap herself around him, and they’d make love looking out over the remains of what used to be farmland—now just parking lots for retail stores where carnivals came to erect bumper car halls and a house of mirrors where people could pretend they were tall or short or someone other than who they were. A place where they could look damaged on the outside for a change.

The mirror house was the only place Potts wouldn’t go in until it was time to take it down, and Linda used to tease him. She asked him if he was scared of looking at himself, and he’d just say he didn’t think there’d be much to see.

When the carnival sat down in Espejo, Linda went into town with the boys before the opening day. She wanted Potts to come, but he had mirrors to mount.

They all left that night in one pick-up, Linda riding in the back. The last thing Potts saw was her standing up, dancing around the back of the truck, like she was riding on a parade float.

Rich said she was still dancing when they blew a tire and flipped over. Linda landed on a fence next to the road, but the guys just got banged up.

When Potts looked in that mirror, he didn’t notice that Linda’s face was all stretched out and purple. He didn’t see that the fingers on her hand went all the way down her legs. He didn’t notice that the deepest part of her wound matched the color of her lips.

He just wanted to reach in and grab her, whoever she was.

. . . . .

They found the broken mirror, but they didn’t find Potts. He took off in the opposite direction with a couple hundred bucks he’d been saving and a picture of him and Linda playing Test Your Strength.

It was seeing Linda in the mirror that made him leave. It was what he saw when the mirror broke. A thousand pieces of him staring back up at him. Some jagged. Some blurry. Some split into two halves.

It was looking at himself that did it.

Nothing was ever the same again after that.

I'm Going to Make You Breakfast

I'm going to make you breakfast
Just as soon as I find the eggs
And go out and buy some bacon
Make sure the milk is still good
Find a suitable frying pan
And a bowl to mix the pancake batter in
And a pumpkin
You know, to make the pumpkin muffins with
Oh, and do we have a waffle iron?
Ah, you're already crying--that's sweet

I Saw the Monster Yesterday

I saw the monster yesterday
It's name was Adam Rondat
And he's a psych major
With twenty questions
That I can't answer
And he keeps asking me my major
And I keep saying 'Like my Dad? He's pretty major.'
But then he says no and asks me where the quad is
So I told him my sister's room
Because...I panicked?

Stretched Out in Blue

I'm all stretched out in blue
Like Dylan, but not so tangled up
Laid back like a comforter
Supporting comfort and consideration
Parading my fingers down my stomach
Showing you where to go
And how to get there
And how to take your time
And I don't mind the feeling
Of being all stretched out in blue

Go Ahead and Get Your Feet Wet

Go ahead and get your feet wet
Your mom said it's okay
You spend most of your life dry
Standing aside and watching other puddle jumpers leap
Keeping your feet nice and safe
But one day I won't be standing in front of you
Guarding you from experience
In the event that it might be unpleasant
So for now get your feet wet
And remember I said it was okay

The Departure

I'm going to wake up in a bed I've never slept in
With keys for new doors
And new memories
Building themselves up
Over the present
Weighing down a life I didn't want to leave
Do I believe I'm doing the right thing?
Do I believe I have a choice?
They're calling my name to board
And I can't let go of my old keys

The Dogs Are Asleep

The dogs are asleep
We'll never have children
Because we can't master dogs
They make noise and run around and destroy
All without checking with us first
Reminding us that even together we have limited control
Over other, smaller beings
Because ultimately our unconditional love
Brings appreciation instead of ambition
And we decide to let sleeping dogs lie

Before Sarie Comes Back

Tickle my toes with your toes
Put your lips against my neck and breathe in
She's getting us soda and ice cream and beer
And my mom doesn't even know I'm here
Tell me you like my brand new jeans
Make all your lies sound just like the truth
I'll watch the clock so I know when to leave
Sarie thinks sex ties you up to someone
Why don't you try tying me up to you then see if we can let go
If you do we have to do it before Sarie comes back

I'll Close My Eyes Tomorrow

I'll close my eyes tomorrow
Then I'll finally rest
Assured that I'm mistaken
That I've deceived myself
My better judgment has gone sour
And that's the sound I'm hearing
The curdling of my instincts
Leading me astray
I'll close my eyes tomorrow
To what I see today

All We Know Are Lights

All we know are lights
We don't know you're fighting
Not a one of us understands volume differentiation
Or what it means to scream
Things startle us, yes
But we simply fly away
Rising above you and looking down
Wondering if something is coming
Or if you'll be okay
When the lights go dark

She Can Lay Right Here

She can lay right here
Next to my blue tattoo
Up against my chest
In front of where the clock ticks
Inside my thoughts
Around my atmosphere
Nearer to me than the air I breathe
And much more necessary
She can lay right here
Here's where she can sleep

The Wind's Coming In

The wind's coming in
Knocking out the electricity
Pulling the plugs
Out of the sockets
Complaining about the heat

The wind's coming down
From two states up
To see if we've been good
Or if we need to be reminded
To be good

The wind's stirring up
Bringing up things we forgot
Pointing out our secrets
Showing us our hidden places
Cleaning up the messes we keep forgetting
To mop up

The wind's blowing by
Trying to catch our attention
Turning off the television
Opening up the cupboards
Pouring beer down the sink

The wind's coming in
And it's not going out
And rather than acknowledge it
We choose to live in it

From here on in
We're the people in the wind
And we're already used to it

When the Giants Dance in France

When the Giants dance in France
They tango casually around the Eiffel Tower
Sometimes putting their fingers on the top
To see how sharp it is

Marguerite can barely stand it
How much she wants to pick up the Tower
And lob it across the country
Like a javelin

She's the one that enjoys her height
She tosses it around like hair in the wind

Phillipe likes to pretend he's an apartment building
So that people will climb up the stairs on his legs
And settle into the beds on his arms
And make bacon in the morning in the kitchens on his stomach
All the while never knowing that he was watching
Fascinated by their little interactions

Nalie would spend each night
Carefully removing the roofs off the museums
So she could look down at the works of art

After several years of this
She finally took to painting
And would create her own work
Using a mud mixture she'd make
By wetting her finger in a lake
And then dipping it the farmers' fields

She liked to paint Philippe
And his little people
He was her favorite subject

Arju never came out of the sea
They would stand on the shore and watch him splash

One time he splashed so hard
A whale flew up out of the sea
And landed on a yacht carrying some men on a fishing trip

The other Giants chastised Arju
But he said that life inside a whale could be very pleasant
And the whale was sure to burp at some point
And send them all back out again
So what was the problem?

Arju was the careless one of the group

During the day, they would carry on with their own personal activities
And then unite at night to let the lights tickle their toes

Marguerite does the singing
And Philippe teaches them all the new dances
He sees the little people doing
In their living rooms
On his shoulders

Nalie is the only one who can get Arju to dance
But when she does, he lets her stand on his toes
Like a little girl

And he dances her across the city
While she throws her laughter into the sky
High and loud
Where it turns into a joyful rain
And comes down everyday
Onto the city below

The Whale

Personally, I like it in here

I do

It's cozy

I mean, it's not ideal

You know, it's...dank

But then again, so are basement apartments most of the time

So really, who's to say?

And what's to say?

And what's to say about who's to say?

Whom? Whose? Who?

Who knows?

I like it in here

The belly of the whale

I feel like Ahab!

The whale ate Ahab, right?

I don't know, I never read the book

I just figured it would end with Ahab being eaten

Because when you screw around with whales they eat you

I think we've all learned that lesson, haven't we?

But I like to look on the bright side

Granted, there isn't really a bright side inside of a whale

But there are perks

For one thing, we're not going to starve

There's plenty of fish

I wish he'd swallow a few lobsters

Liven things up a little

But beggars can't be choosers

Because when you're a beggar you smell

And people who smell can't be picky

That's what that saying means

Did you notice a nook over there?

I think that's his kidney enclave or something

I think I'm going to make that my reading nook

Then, if he swallows a copy of Moby Dick, I can read it

Wouldn't that be ironic?

Irony is when whales swallow books around whales

In case anyone ever asks you

Hmm?

A breakfast nook

Oh, I don't know

That really doesn't look like a breakfast nook to me

I mean, the lighting is all wrong

For a breakfast nook

Maybe a smoking section, but definitely not a breakfast nook

Who would want to eat breakfast there?

That's where the stomach bile pours down like a waterfall

I mean, it's soothing if you forget that it's churned up body waste

Hey, has anybody seen Carl?

I haven't seen him since the boat went under, but I could have sworn I heard him yelling something about his leg as we were going past the molars

Really, where?

The bladder?

That's not really--uh--okay.

Why doesn't he just come stay here with us?

Mad? Why is he mad?

Hey, I never said I wanted to steer the ship!

Besides, who can tell the difference between a whale and a small, tropical island at night?

It's not like I didn't apologize to him

He just didn't hear me because he was too busy moaning about getting his leg chewed off! If he doesn't want to listen...

Well, fine--let him just sit in whale piss for the rest of his life, see if I care

Geez, some people

. . . . .

So...

You wanna play a game or something?

You know, 'cause...

We have some time to kill

Spencer and the Fishnets

Spencer wears the fishnets
For Mara

Only for Mara

Because Mara likes guys
That don't care

That's what she says

'I like guys, who, you know, don't care'

And Spencer doesn't know
How to interpret that

So instead he stays quiet
And listens
And watches
Everyone Mara listens to and looks at

And one day they're at a club in Diceto
Next to, like, a Taco Hut
And Mara sees a guy walk by
With lip gloss and fishnets
And she goes--

'Fuck me, he's hot'

And Spencer dies
Because Spencer is a shirt and tie guy
Who goes to jeans and t-shirt for Mara
When they go out

And when he hears that
After he dies
He realizes what he has to do

So he buys the fishnets

And the guy at the Chop Shop store
Down on Tallusa
Laughs at him as he's leaving the store
Because the absurdity of it
Of Spencer buying fishnets
Is so palpable
It can be felt in the air
Like a sour odor

Spencer goes home
And puts on the fishnets

He even takes a photo of himself
So he can see how bad it is

And it's bad
It's really bad

It's not hot, not to Spencer
But maybe not to Mara
But how would he know?

How could he know?

Only one way to find out

He texts her and tells her to meet him at the club in Diceto
The scene of the crime
And she texts back 'YESSSSSS!!!'
Which is good
He wants her enthusiastic
Open to the possibility
Of Spencer being a fishnets kinda guy

But clearly that's not enough

So he puts on his sisters heels
Blush, eye-liner, a pink headband
A t-shirt he got at a D.T. Jones concert
And a tie, in order to keep some shred of identity
Before drowning in his new 'I don't care' attitude

When he showed up at the club
Mara wasn't there
So he sat in his car
And tried not to look down at his lap
Where the fishnets were exposing
A vast amount of leg hair
That probably should have been shaved off
If he was going to wear fishnets

But hey, 'I don't care' right?

That was when he got the text--

'Not coming. Sorry. Met a guy this afternoon at Cafe Caffeine. <3 you'

He felt like a empty yogurt carton

Ravaged and light
With little pieces of himself
Still sticking to the sides

Not enough to eat
But enough to see what was there

He sat in his car and imagined rain
He imagined what should be there
If his life were cinematic
Instead of just sad

Then he thought 'I don't care'

And he found that he didn't
He really didn't

He got out of the car
Walked up to the door of the club
And put both his hands on it
As if he were trying to sense a fire inside

Then he put his hands on himself

On his chest
On his stomach
On his legs

And he walks into the club

Feeling like a fish
Walking right out of the pond

Helen and the Basketball

My brother says I can't play basketball
My mother says 'Helen, put down the basketball'

But my dad taught me to play basketball
And I still know how

When we packed up the house in Mantina
I remembered to take the basketball
But I left my party dress behind

My brother drove to Fresno
And I sat in the back with my mom
While she cried

The new apartment had burned rugs
And a grey spot on the wall

My brother was going to sleep on the pull-out
While Mom and I shared a bed

And they said--'This is temporary'

But misery isn't temporary

Misery stretches on forever

At least the place had a basketball court

I tried out for the school team
When I should have gotten a job
At the Wendy's down the street

My mom asked me what school clothes I'm going to buy
Knowing how to play basketball

I said I'd wear my brother's jeans
And at least I'd still have something
That means something to me

Dad would have understood
But Mom just went in the bedroom
And slammed the door

Like a kid, I thought
Just like a kid

I went down to the court
Where my brother was practicing baskets

He heard I made the team
I heard he dropped out

He missed a basket
I grabbed the ball

He told me to pass it

I said 'You're not the only one who needs a dream, you know'

He said, 'Helen, you dream so loud it wakes you up at night'

He's right

I threw the ball
And walked away

I knew I made the shot

Don't ask me how

But I knew

TNT and the Dentist

What happened was I got hit in the face by a...

...Microwave

Friggin' microwave came out of nowhere

Hit me right in the mouth

Can you friggin' believe that?

Yeah, I couldn't neither

Guy tries to mind his own business
And along comes a microwave
And screws his wife

Just talkin', here, Doc

Just talkin'

Don't you worry about that microwave though

I took care of it

I cut its fuckin' balls off

Yeah, microwaves have balls
Unless they sleep with my wife
Then they don't got 'em no more

Personally I'd rather be Tony No Teeth
Than Tony No Balls

Ain't like I'm looking to sing in a boys choir
Or some shit

So let's talk business, Doc

What?

Nah, don't worry

I'm not here looking for teeth

I'm actually looking for the two grand
You borrowed from my boss Ricky
To start this little dog and macaroni practice of yours

So why don't you close the door
And we'll have a little chat, you and me

Tell your nurse to leave the floss

I might find a use for it

Charlie and the Tree

The last time I climbed you
You threw me out

I remember

I was nine years old
I made it up to your top branch
And you threw me
To the ground

You're lucky I didn't die

I could have died

Would you care?

No, because you're a tree

An evil tree full of darkness

Because of you
I broke my arm
And now I can't play the piano

I didn't even know I couldn't play the piano
Until I asked my mom what I couldn't do with a broken arm
And she said--

'Well, you can't play the piano, I guess'

And that's all thanks to you

My mom didn't believe me
When I told her
You threw me off you

She said it was just the trauma
Creating memories in my mind
Of something that didn't really happen

That might explain why I landed on a horse named Gus
Doing long division

But it doesn't explain
How I felt one of your branches
Grab me by the back of my leg
And fling me to the ground

It was almost as bad
As when my grandma hugs me

As soon as I got out of the hospital
I knew I had to stop you
Before you hurt any more innocent kids
Who do things their mom tells them not to do
Because they're sowing their wild goats

So I'm here
To chop you down

My mom wouldn't let me use my dad's saw
Because she says I'd cut my own head off
Which isn't even possible to do by accident
You'd have to really want no head

Instead I brought this pair of scissors
And to answer the question
You're asking yourself

No, they are NOT safety scissors

I got them from the drawer I'm not allowed to go in

Now, I may only be able to chop down part of you today
Because I still only have one hand free
And using it a lot makes me kinda tired

So I'm going to be a decent guy
And let you tell me
Which part of you
You want to lose first

. . . . .

Your top branch?

...Hmm, I guess I can make it up there with one arm...

Okay, fine

I'm coming up

But this time I'm going to keep my scissors in my hand
The whole time
In case you try anything funny

And to think my mother says I never learn

Shania and the Snake Charmer

So what is it you do?

A snake charmer?

I've never had a snake charmer hit on me before
At least not at a vegan restaurant

I love that they put a bar in

Just because we don't eat meat
Doesn't mean we don't drink, right?

If anything, I drink more

Lettuce is depressing

Oh, it's a thing

I can't meat

It's, like, toxic or something

Really rare

They wrote about me in some medical journal
And then I had my photo taken next to this doctor
Who looked like Captain Kangaroo

That's all I remember about him

He looked like Captain Kangaroo

Yes, I'm too young to remember Captain Kangaroo
But I'm not too young to not be AWARE of Captain Kangaroo

There are people you should always be AWARE of
Regardless of if you've actually been exposed to them or not

Icons, you know?

Like Lucille Ball

The other day, I was talking to my friend
Who had never seen an episode of any Lucy t.v. show
And she was like, 'So how am I supposed to know who she is?'
And I was like, 'Um, you should still know'

I don't know anything about Grover Cleveland
But I still know he was a President

Awareness, you know

I'm sure you know

So how do you charm the snakes?

Is it a trade secret?

Some trick?

Or is it something you're born with?

Like an X-person

I should let you know
Before you start in
I'm not fucking you
So, let's just embrace that, okay?

I'm not in the mood
And you're ugly as fuck
So no fucking is going to be happening
Which is actually great for you
Because I'm drunk
And tomorrow morning
I'd wake up, look over at you
And probably vomit
On your mattress with no sheets

That's your mattress, right?

No sheets
On the floor
No actual bed

Yup, called it

So where do you do your charming, Charming?

Is there an Bombay boulevard somewhere downtown
That I'm just not aware of?

Some sort of bazaar?

You're unemployed?

Well, clearly

You're a snake charmer

You're a step above a street beggar

You're never actually employed

Huh?

You lost the snake?

Um, correct me if I'm wrong

Isn't keeping an eye on the snake
Sort of the only thing you have to do?

That's like being a mime
And losing your invisible box

What happened?

Was there a hole in the wicker basket?

Did the snake try leaping to freedom
When you took the top off?

Oh...really?

Was it at least sort of hypnotized
When it...um, slithered away?

Because if it was
I don't really see it
Having a good chance of survival
In the wilderness

Plus it'll pee every time
It hears a bell ring, right?

Isn't that how it works?

Oh my God

Is that a flute?

Do you honestly have a flute right now?

I have to tweet that
Like, immediately

Like three days ago I should have tweeted that

'I'm sitting with a snake charmer and he's got a flute'

Can you play it?

I want to take a photo of you playing it
And upload it onto my blog
So I have something to write about
When I get home

Because getting smashed at the vegan restaurant
Is probably only going to get me a few sentences
And I like to do at least a page a day
So my readers have a good-sized morsel
To get them through the work day

And by readers
I mean my sister
And I think she only scans the posts
To see if there's anything about her

Selfish bitch

So many issues there

Let's not get into it

Okay, play the flute

C'mon, don't pussy out on me

You can't bring a flute into a restaurant
And then not play it

There are laws about that in Austria

C'mon!

Okay, yay

Very excited right now

Commence fluting

. . . . .

Um...do you wanna get out of here?

I kinda...

Wow, I mean--

Your play is just--

Wow

Yeah

I think we should go

Dennis in Providence

They tell you that you're landing in Providence
When you're actually landing in Warwick

From there, you can get a hotel room
Where you can watch tv
Go swimming in a hotel pool
Order room service
Or be brave and hop on the highway

See if you can find your way to Providence

There's a sign that says 'Welcome to Rhode Island'

And it's a Tuesday

You've landed here on a Tuesday

And in other places in the world
There are dynamic things happening

There is excitement
And as Tennessee's Tom would say--

Fuck, what did he say?

Oh well, he said lots of things

All very poetic

You're on a plane to Providence

You're not in Providence yet
But you're from Providence

You have Providence in your veins
Pushing out the blood

The two cannot coexist

One is life
One is a Tuesday night

And there are riots in Pakistan
And theater in New York
And a solar eclipse in Taiwan

Or there aren't

There isn't

There wouldn't be

It's a Tuesday

In Barcelona there are students
On a senior trip
And one of the students is missing
And his name is me

Dennis has disappeared

And the only one who knows is my friend Brenna
And she won't tell
Because I told her I'd come back for her
Because Barcelona fucking sucked

I mean, I guess it didn't, but--

I missed home

No, I did not miss Providence

Or maybe I did

I go back and forth--bashing it and loving it

I have an abusive relationship with my spot on the map

Up until this trip, I dreamed of escaping

I dreamed of a country
With never-ending buffet restaurants
Midnight showings of independent films
A burger joint where they'll cut up a pineapple in front of you
And slam one of the citrus slices
Right on the patty

Right in front of your eyes

I thought this place existed

And I would go home on the bus from school
Because my mother won't let me take Driver's Ed
Because I can't drive
Because her insurance rates would skyrocket
Because I'm going to school in Boston anyway
Why do I need to learn to drive

I would go home on the bus
And I would look out at the state passing by
The streets and the avenues
And the houses that looked like prisons
Because people lived behind those houses
People who don't know about the other world
The world with the pineapple patties
And the all-night buffets

And I would think

I'm getting out of here

I'm not staying

I am going to escape

And I did

I did

I signed up for the senior class trip to Spain
Chaperoned by Mr. Bob
He actually lets us call him Mr. Bob
How cool is that?

And I got on a flight
And I flew to Barcelona
And I got off the plane

And I threw up

I wanted to go back

So I managed to talk Brenna into lending me her dad's credit card
So I could buy a ticket home

I could have just asked my Mom to let me go home early
But she would have hung up on me

She doesn't go to much trouble
Where I'm concerned

I knew as soon as I stepped off the plane
That everything I wanted
Was a fantasy

I made up a place that couldn't exist
So that I had a reason to hate the place I'm from

But it doesn't make me love where I'm from
It just makes me wonder where the hell I'm supposed to go?

If where I am isn't the problem
Then...is it me?

Am I the problem?

And what do I do about that?

I can't move away from me

I guess I just have to go back to Providence

I mean, I'm not very old
And there's still college ahead of me
And I might love Boston

Maybe they have midnight indie flicks there on a Tuesday or something

It just sucks because I thought I had it figured out

I really did

I'm landing in Providence on a Tuesday

And somewhere in the world
Someone's living the life I want to live

But how do I find them?

How do I know where they are?

Talia and the Glow Sticks

Talia quit the Glow Sticks

It's not exactly news, per se
I mean, not really
You know?
Not really news

I mean, because, see
Talia was the last of the original Glow Sticks
Which means the Glow Sticks
As they were at their best
In the beginning
Which many people agree
Was their BEST
And which means
You see
That the Glow Sticks broke up
YEARS ago

The drummer left to become a magician

Talia used to catch him on the tour bus
Trying to pull a rabbit out of the snare
And it was rumored that she loved him
And that they had a thing
And she made him choose
Between her and magic
And he chose magic

Which you can't really blame him
Because magic is an intangible thing
Which means it might not even be real
Which means it's perfect
And Talia, though a lead singer
Was not perfect

She had that minor addiction to gambling
Which she kept in check
By playing Bingo on the bus
Using a small plastic ball dispenser
That the drummer made disappear into thin air
On a tour stop in Debargo

'Jesus, Kris! Where the hell are my balls?'

The guys started laughing
Until Talia punched the drummer in the stomach
And then the balls popped out of his mouth
Which made the guys laugh even harder

The Glow Sticks weren't the most serious rock band, after all

Their first album was titled 'Pop It'
And it was full of bubblegum drum beat hook chorus ditties
Like--

'He's Kinda Awesome'

And

'My Extra Value Meal'

Which actually was about an Extra Value Meal
And not some guy Talia liked

When the drummer left
To open a magic show in Vegas
Entitled

'Watch My Balls'

Talia enlisted her best friend, Skyper
To be the band's new drummer

This would have been fine
Except for the fact that Skyper
Couldn't form a grip
Due to a birth defect
And so he had to play with his feet

This led to the band's unique sound on their second album--

'Playing With Our Toes'

Arguably the most artistically successful
The band ever produced

It was gritty and raw
A far cry from their first album
And it included the now classic tracks--

'You Left Me for Your Vegas Balls'

And

'Get a Grip (Seriously, Why Can't You Get a Grip? Oh Right, Your Birth Defect. That's Messed Up.)'

The latter has the distinction of having the most words in a parentheses
In any song title
In history

Before they could record their third album
The guitarist and the bassist left the band
Over a dispute with Talia
Regarding money

Talia felt they should be paid three times less than her
Because they were--to quote her interview with Spin:

'Way less awesome than me.'

Some say Talia's ego was out of control
Because of the huge success that came with the release of the second album

Talia herself was quoted in Rolling Stone saying--

'My ego is totally out of control. It's because of success that came with the release of the second album. Plus, I'm really awesome. Way more awesome than the bassist and the guitarist.'

The aforementioned bassist and guitarist
Formed their own band, called--

Screw Talia

Which may or may not have been a reference
To their dispute with Talia

They released one album
A commercial and artistic flop
And then they moved to Nevada
Where they raise iguanas

Talia chose not to replace them
But rather keep the band a trio

Unfortunately the sound of just a singer, a drummer who uses his feet
And a keyboard player who, it was discovered, was actually just a puppet

(Brought onboard when the drummer thought he might want to add ventriloquism into his act)

Did not light the charts ablaze

The Glow Sticks' third album

'Me, My Puppet, and the Foot'

Was a huge disappointment
And shortly thereafter
The puppet left the band
To join the drummer in Vegas
Now that the act was ready for him

The Foot stayed on
And Talia brought on a group of junior high students
To make up the rest of the band
In the hopes that it would appeal to the younger crowd

The Glow Sticks attempted to return to their roots
With their fourth album--

'We're Cool Again!'

But alas, twas a misnomer

The album charted at...

Well, actually, it didn't chart

Talia's mom bought one copy
And that was about it

Two of the junior high students admitted to Entertainment Weekly--

'We haven't even listened to it, because it's sooo lame.'

And so Talia quit the Glow Sticks
Or was thrown out
Depending on who you ask

The remaining members of the band
Held a reality show competition to find her replacement
But they ended up using the puppet
Who found Vegas to be a cruel and heartless town
After the drummer kicked him out of the show

The new Glow Sticks renamed themselves--

We Used to Be the Glow Sticks

But the new name didn't do much
To reignite interest

As for Talia, she released a few jazz albums
And a spoken word album entitled:

'Where the Hell is the Music?'

It would also become the title of her autobiography

There is a rumor that the Glow Sticks will be reuniting for a summer tour

(This rumor was most likely started by the Foot)

The Old Lady

The old lady's home

Sitting on her couch
Watching tv
Waiting to go to bed

She goes to bed late
For an old lady, that is

You gonna give me a drag of that smoke?

Fine, don't

Be a prick

I don't care how it looks

Who's going up to the door?

Who's going to the door, Jer?

You're lucky you have me
You better not go forgetting that

Who else do you know
Still looks young enough
To play the boy next door?

You know how to cry
And make a sour old bag
Want to come to your rescue?

Didn't think so

Never mind the smoke

I don't want her to smell it on my breath

The money's in the jewelry box
The one she keeps inside the drawer
Of her night stand

The bedroom's up the stairs
And to the left

I'll get her in the kitchen

Ask her for a drink of water or something
Maybe a cookie

What do you mean if it doesn't work?

It better work

Because if it doesn't I'm some poor kid
And you're a degenerate who used me
To get inside some old broad's house

That's why

Either that or you meet us in the kitchen

And we figure it out from there

Johanna's Good News

Darling, I have fantastic news

We're going to have a child!

No, I'm not going to have one

Don't be ridiculous

Do you have any idea how long that takes?

Years, Maynard, years!

But I'm expediting the process

I've found the most fantastic person to be our surrogate

Her name?

Oh, well...it's not a her

Well, don't panic, Maynard

There is a her

There has to be

We're not having this baby in a science fiction novel after all

What I mean is that I haven't met the surrogate mother

Only the surrogate father

His name is Charles and he works at the coffee shop I go to

Well, Maynard, I would be happy to have you be the father

But Charles' girlfriend wouldn't be comfortable with it

She doesn't want to have your baby

She just wants to have his baby, then give it to us

Charles and I look so much alike I'm sure nobody will know that the baby isn't mine

I just hope Chuck's wife doesn't find out

Hmm?

No, Maynard, I said his girlfriend was going to have our baby

I didn't say anything about his wife

Well, darling, it's not our place to judge

Besides Charles said his wife would NEVER give us a baby

So we're very lucky that he has a mistress

Now, I'm going to start picking out colors for the nursery

Talk about this?

Maynard, darling, haven't you been listening?

It's all been taken care of

I don't see why you always have to make things so complicated

Just Passing By

Stopped my bike at the corner
Saw your sign in the window
Should have let me in
Instead I saw you finger your cross
And your loss was apparent
But you still decided to keep me out in the dust
Where I couldn't bring my berries in

And it's because I had a bike, isn't it?
Or was it because you couldn't see me
Even when I was standing right in front of your mirror

You tasted my eyes before you felt my breath
You meant to say good-bye
But you climbed up instead
Wanted to ride my bike with me
Wanted to learn to ride with me

You were just gonna pass by me
Weren't you?

Instead you stand there
Behind your prayers
Waiting to go upstairs and kneel down
Not feel heat coming up from outside
Where me and my ride
Are just passing by

Just wanted to pick you up
And take you out
One last time

His Boyfriend

His boyfriend makes less money than him
He doesn't do his hair
He doesn't care
He doesn't dare wonder why I'm hanging around
He thinks he's grounded
But he's really surrounded by his man's past
When at last he realizes it
One of them is going to be ready to quit

His boyfriend is his Facebook pic
His boyfriend is his solar system

He plants candy hearts
In sallow ground
Thinking they'll grow
Into Hallmark cards

He doesn't know they talk about him at parties
He doesn't know he's one room away from the truth
He doesn't know about me or you or the parade going by
Nor does he wonder why he can hear whispers
Whispering that the ring on his finger
Has another man's name scraped off underneath

His boyfriend is his status
His boyfriend keeps him high

How many high fives 'til your hand gets sore
How many doors close because your boyfriend's scared of your success
How many messes do you have to clean up
Before the fucking doesn't measure up to the fucking up
Sucking up to his parents
Hoping they'll like you
More than the last guy he screwed

His boyfriend is his roommate
His boyfriend is his Marc Jacobs bag

All his friends are fake
All his waking hours are spent
Looking at the guys who came and went
And most are better looking than him
And he can trim himself down to a six pack and pecs
But he knows he's next and not next to last
Not even, not even close

All the clothes in the world
Wouldn't stop him from losing out
To a boy or a girl or a job
Or an idea or a theory
Or a good movie
Or an undiagnosed psychiatric condition

He makes videos to show that he's a star
And he goes viral while not seeing
That they get stoned and see him seeing himself
Ready to shelf him on the dusty edge
And hope that he'll fall down

His boyfriend is a series of nicknames
His boyfriend is a footnote

He'll gloat until the time runs out
Until another rung on a better ladder
Or a badder idea
Comes along
For a ride

Then he'll decide
If he was his boyfriend

Or something else entirely

Mercury

I'm Mercury

I'm the first planet from the sun
But I'm not the smallest
That would have been Pluto
But then scientists figured out
That Pluto was not a planet
But a comet, and so they renamed it Steve

After my friend Steve who is small
But acts like he's big
Even though I can beat him up

One time I punched Steve
And he cried
And I said I wouldn't tell anyone
But now he says he likes my sister
And that's so gross I threw up
But I did it in my mouth
So you wouldn't see
Because Mercury has an inner core
Made up of throw up
Because otherwise it would throw up on Venus
And then Venus would throw up on Earth
And we'd all be covered in throw-up
And life would be bad

The planet would be uninhabitable

Like my friend Steve's house
Because it smells

I am Mercury
And that means I go around the sun a lot
Which makes me tired
So then I have to go to bed at nine
Even though that's really lame
Because all the good shows come on at ten
But my mom mom says she doesn't care
And if I don't like it I can go live at Steve's house
Which I would because his parents let him stay up
But they also don't have a shower
So I don't know

A night on Mercury lasts forever
Like going to my uncle's house
Where you can't touch anything
Because it's all expensive
And he only has Diet Pepsi
Which tastes like pee water
Which I didn't even make up
My Dad did
But I get in trouble when I say it
Because Dads can't get in trouble
Because they lie better than kids do

If I were another planet, I would be
Because I hate Mercury
Because nobody writes about it
And I think it's unfair that I'm not Saturn
Which is super easy to do
And Steve gets to be Saturn
But he looks gay with that rainbow costume on
And all his mom's rings
Which are fake gold
And not real
Like he says he is

I couldn't dress up like Mercury
Because Mercury is just a rock
But it's close to the sun
So I had my mom put all her self-tanner on me
Because Mercury must be really tanned
But now I smell like a coconut
And I think for that I should get an 'A'

Thank you

Willa and the Heat

Marjana, I am not going out with him again

I am not

Because he talked about his poop

He did, his poop

He talked about it

Brought it UP, Marjana

Brought IT UP to ME

Uh uh

Not having that in my life, Marjana

Not having it at ALL

Said it was healthy

What do I care that it's healthy?

Nice hair means you're healthy

Why couldn't he talk about his hair?

By God, it's hot

I wouldn't have gone out with him

But I had to get out of my house

Because I can't have a.c.

Because a.c. kills bluebirds

It hurts the environment

They said that on the Fox, Marjana

On the Fox news

They said the scientists are bullshitting about Global Warming

But then they got a breaking bulletin

That all these bluebirds are dying in Vegas

Because they use so much a.c.

Or because God is smiting them

Because it's a town of whores and lies and gambling

God, I'm so hot

I wish I could shove a fan up inside myself

And cool myself down from the inside out

Oh that is not DIRTY, Marjana

What's dirty is that man you set me up

Mr. Poop

He's the dirty one

I wouldn't even shake his hand at the end of the date

Well, a peck on the cheek isn't a handshake, Marjana

His poop doesn't go anywhere near his cheek

At least, I hope not

And you WORK with this man!

You better use that hand cleanser you keep at your desk more often

Because you are working with a feces fetishist

That's a word

That's a WORD, Marjana

Add 'ist' to anything and it's a word

It's how you make words

God, I am sweating like a heifer at a Wendy's

Well, maybe the heifer would be curious, Marjana

It's just an expression

I am sitting here at my kitchen table

Fanning myself with Harper's Bazaar

Legs spread out like I'm ready to receive Jesus

Oh, the heat, Marjana, it is stifling

And every man in this town has gone crazy because of it

Every man I've met in the past three weeks

Have been depraved lunatics or poop lovers

Last week I let Dara Lee set me up with a man named Clint

Nice name, I know? Right

He SPANKED me

On the way into the restaurant

He SPANKED me

Right on the bottom

Like he was trying to get me to cry out after birth or something

Like my behind needed testing

I turned around and I slapped his crotch

Oh, I most certainly did

And let me tell you something

My ass has more bounce in it than his crotch, Marjana

Down he went, like the Titanium

It was a sight

It was a SIGHT to BEHOLD

I don't know who raised him

But there was clearly a lot of abuse

Because he has fetishized violence

Marjana, if you add an 'ized' to it, it's a word

It's a double word

Like a double word score

God, it is too hot to argue with you

My hair is coming down onto my face like wet noodles

Down the outside of a whore's pocketbook

EXPRESSION, MARJANA, EXPRESSION!

Maybe you need to get your head spanked

Maybe I oughta call up Clint for you

Oh dear Lord, screw the bluebirds, I'm turning on the a.c.

They're probably just dying because they're outside where there's no a.c.

And I can't help that

I can't invite all the bluebirds into my house

I just put down new linoleum

No, no, no

No more dates, Marjana!

It's too hot to date

And men get the wrong idea

You take your panties off during dinner

And toss 'em on the table

Because your stomach sweat's pooling in your lap like a puddle

And suddenly they think you're ready to go

Well, I can't have that

It's too hot, Marjana

It's just too damn hot

This Puppy

Mrs. Maguire, I'd like to sell you this puppy

Now, I know what you're going to say

You already have a dog

But Mrs. Maguire, if you had a nickel
And someone offers you a hundred dollar bill

Do you say--

Oh, sorry, I can't
I already have a nickel
I don't have room for that much more money

No, Mrs. Maguire, you don't say that

Because you can never have too much money
And you can never have too many dogs with an IQ over one sixty
Living in your house at one time

A dog like this puppy
Is the reason I got out of the car business
And went into the pet business

That and the lawsuit, of course

But let's not talk about me
Let's talk about your new puppy

Mrs. Maguire, this puppy is only four years old

Now, I know what you're going to say
Four years old is no puppy
But this one has barely been played with

The woman who had it before
Used to pet it twice a day
Feed it, then put it back in its crate

Look at its paws
They're like pincushions!

Without the pins, of course
I never put pins in a dog's paws

Not like SOME pet shops I could tell you about
That might or might not
Be across the street from my shop

This puppy is efficient, it's clever

Just last week I saw it reading Atlantic Monthly

Plus it's lovable

Oh sure, it bites occasionally
But what dog doesn't?

Besides, it's not like it has any teeth left

And who doesn't love the feeling of a puppy
Gnawing at your face while you sleep

That's love, Mrs. Maguire, in its purest form

What can I say to put this creature in your heart today?

Now, I know you're wondering whether or not
You want to take a chance
On a beautiful, affectionate, James Beard award-winning puppy
Like this one

And all I have to say to that is--

Just last week I sold four puppies just like this one

And three of those owners
Won the lottery the next day

I'm not saying God sent me these dogs, Mrs. Maguire
But I certainly wouldn't want to walk out of this store without one

Plus, if you want
I'll take off that price I shaved into its fur
And shave out another one
On its other side

So what do you say?

Do we have a deal?

Jenna in New Orleans

There's a girl being reborn
In New Orleans

Her name is Jenna

She's a waitress
At a nice restaurant
Perched atop a garbage heap

Down at the bottom
The dwellers crawl up
Looking for something to eat
And she throws them down scraps
On her break

On her break
She smokes and stares out
Over the city
As it pulses
Still wet
From birth

From rebirth

She tries not to get ash
On her nice black pants
And she thinks about the men
She used to fuck for money
And how they paid her less
Than what she makes now in tips

She thinks of the man who left her in Chicago
And the man she left in Chicago
And the girl she left in Vegas
The one she got high every night
Just to see another person happy

She cut off her hair
And half her jeans
And she doesn't wear make-up
Because she wants her skin
To look hard

But the innocence she tried so hard to destroy
Creeps back through her pores
And paints her a lovely color

Her apartment has windows
With black duct tape over them
Because she doesn't like natural light

It comes when you don't want it to
And she doesn't like waking up to it

She spends too much time
Looking at her fingernails
Wondering when she can start biting them again

She quit all her bad habits
On a lay-over in Atlanta

Looking out the window of the plane
Talking to some kid
Heading to Providence

Jenna doesn't tell him
That she lived there for years
When she went to Brown

She doesn't mention it at all

But she thinks about the bad October
When she got drunk every night
And slammed her car into a pole
Thankful it wasn't a tree

She remembers the Halloween party
When she slapped some girl
Because of a comment she made
That turned out not to be about Jenna

She remembers her mantra
The only thing that kept her going--

'Can't wait to get the fuck out of here. Can't wait to get the fuck out of her.'

She wanted to move
At least that's what she thought
It never occurred to her that moving wouldn't be enough
That what she needed was a rebirth

Outside her apartment
There's a woman named Osa
Who came to New Orleans from Uganda
To live a better life

When Katrina hit
She got raped by a guy in the Ninth Ward
Who left her pregnant
And a chain smoker

She kept the baby
But she kept smoking throughout the pregnancy
And nobody told her to stop

Osa doesn't remember the rapist
But her daughter Ana is half-white
So Osa knows one thing at least

Jenna likes to sit with Osa on the stoop
And trade cigarettes and stories

Osa's are true
But Jenna makes hers up
To make Osa laugh

What does she need to hear the truth for?

When Osa told her about the rape
Jenna thought of the bad October
At a house party in Newport

How the fuck she got to Newport is anybody's guess

She remembered walking in on three guys
And a girl on the bed

The girl didn't look any older than Jenna was
But she was crying
And the guy on top of her
Had her hand over her mouth

Jenna remembered switching places with that girl
Going inside her body
Feeling the push
And the struggle

The tears going back into her own eyes
Burning them up

Knowing there were two other guys
Going to do the same time

Her skin going hard then harder
Then becoming a wall
An impenetrable wall

Then one of the guys called her a nosy bitch
And slammed the door shut

Jenna stumbled out of the house
And landed in the driveway

She woke up the next day in her dorm
One of her friends had brought her home

She never knew who the girl was
She didn't even know what street the house was on
Or why she was there in the first place

But she remembered the burning tears
And the hardening of that girl's skin
While she was inside her body

Instead of telling anyone about it
Jenna learns to run

She stops drinking
And becomes strong
Strong against the softness
She still feels inside her

She pushes herself
To do well in school
To find a good boyfriend
To become a positive force within the world

And still she can't go to parties
And still she can't listen to loud music
And still when she finds a boyfriend
And he wants to make love
She has to be on top
And close her eyes

Then she goes to London
And meets Robert
And he's so decent
Being with him
Is like rubbing balm on your skin

Finding him is like finding forgiveness
And so she stops running

But she doesn't stop moving

Because London is still too loud
And Providence is too close
And New York is too dark
And L.A. is too bright
And when they get to Chicago
Robert tells her he's sick of moving
And can't they stay still
And she walks to
But she can't
And he can't understand
So he leaves

Everything after that is a rebirth
Falling in love with a boy waiting for his flight
Running around the airport
Like characters in a short story
Going to Vegas and meeting Emma
Sleeping next to her every night
Counting out how many times she'd reach for Jenna
Only to have Jenna move back a few inches

When she got on the flight for New Orleans
She had no fingernails and no hair
But she did have eight grand shoved in a cheap purse
She bought right before she left

Flying over the city
She was disappointed at not seeing water
Even though the flood was years ago

She wanted to dive into the water
And come out of it reborn
Ready to live in a new city
As shiny and fresh as she would be

Instead there was dirt
And stories from strangers
People like Osa
Who still couldn't believe
How sharp history in its present form
Could be

Jenna sits outside the restaurant
And plays with new names

Maybe she'll call herself Emma
After the girl she left in Las Vegas
Lying on a bed
Reaching for her

Jenna remembered thinking she looked like the girl from Newport

Back in the bad October

When the break is up
The cigarette still has some breath in it
So she decides to quit the restaurant
And stay out here
Until the manager hires someone new

She'll have to move again

Whatever money she has
She'll give to Osa
In a blank envelope

The city's not new enough
And the people are all old
Still clinging to their old culture
Trying to dig it up
Out of the rubble

She wonders where she'll go next
And whether or not her feet will stick this time

She'll bite her nails again
She'll fuck men again--for money, for free
She'll get high again
And give up God again
And believe again

But tonight she's old

Tonight her only home
Is the cigarette
And the view from above

Looking down on the poor helpless people
Wondering how much longer she can look at them

Before she runs

You Gotta See This Town

You gotta walk down the street
Where the sidewalk meets the heat
And see if you can breathe in
The Saturday night lights
Shining from two days away

You got kissed tonight
You did all right
You forgot to pay
So you have to run back
And apologize to the waitress

As you're running
You see spots where old friends
Broke up and choked up
And got into fights
And stood beneath the lights
You should be standing under now

But somehow they're different lights
And not just the bulbs
Instead they seem to sense

That you were on the fence about moving
Because at one point
You were the only guy left in the joint
From the original crew
And did you want to be that guy?

So the lights said--

'Stick around, kid, you're not done here yet.'

You got hammered tonight

Shit-faced
Wonderful
Drunk
Sincere
Stupid
Amazing

You finally told the truth
About who you are and what you want
And you want to eat pizza at 2am
And call your aunt in New Mexico
Just to say thank you
For being the coolest person I knew growing up

You got balls now
You got a soul
You're in control over how bad you feel
And really, you've always been in control

You like the smack of the sidewalk
As you hit each crack
And pass by hotels you've never stayed at
And restaurants you've never eaten at
And people you haven't met yet

But you bet you will
You bet you will

You imagine writing letters
To the friends who've left

Telling them they missed the town
They lived in for years

Letting them know they didn't really see it
Because you didn't either
Until tonight

Until someone grabbed you
And planted a new perspective
On the edge of your lips

Now you write an imaginary postcard
To everyone who left
Telling them to come back down

Saying you didn't see it
You never see it

And you gotta see this town

Marty Mishlin's Acting for the Soaps

All right everyone

Let's save all that chatty energy
For the stage

Where we will channel it
Into theatrical magic

I am Marty Mishlin
And this is Acting...for the Soaps

Now, as someone who has been on over three episodes
Of General Hospital

I can think of no one better
To guide you through the intense
Emotional process
That comes from playing one of those tortured souls
Known as a soap opera character

Let's begin with a scenario

Your father has just confessed to you
That your mother, who you thought was dead
Only adopted you after she stole you
From your biological mother
Who happens to be both the mayor of Port Charles
And a serial killer

What do you do?

How do you express all the emotions
That are coursing your veins?

Speaking of courses
I'll be offering my 'Vowels--Don't Let Them Get U You Down' class
This spring
So sign up now
Because it usually gets cancelled
When nobody shows interest

That's why you all walk around
Sounding like Marlon Brando
After his tongue turned to cheesecake

BACK TO THE SCENE!

Now, you could think about your mother
But which one?

The dead one who died
In a freak explosion at the power plant
That may or may not have been
Because of your biological mother
Who used to be a terrorist in the 70's
Before she met her twin sister
And figured out what it was to love?

There's an easier way, class

Watch me

. . . . .

See what I did there?

I lifted up my chin
I let my lip quiver
I had my eyes say 'You bitch, you killed Spencer, my niece who may or may not have been my boyfriend!'

That's how you win a Daytime Emmy, kids.

Susan Lucci used to beg me for acting tips
And do you know what I'd say to her?

'You're not on General Hospital, you're on that trash heap known as All My Children. Get out of my shared dressing room!'

Ohhh...

Do you see what I did there?

I expressed rage at Susan Lucci
Whom I've never actually met

I needed a scenario
To teach you all about soap opera rage

I pulled back the corners of my lips
I squinted my eyes
I reared back my hand
As if to say--I will smack you down, you raven-haired vixen!

That children, is what the soaps call for

Passion
Intensity
And above all--

Eyebrows

Lots of eyebrows

All right, pair up

I want you to practice mirroring each other
By saying--

'I'm having your baby and it might be an alien.'

Let the acting begin

That Depends on You

If we kiss tonight
Or we dance or whatever

You better tell me
Or warn me or you know

Cause I'm used to going at my own place
And your place is probably cleaner than mine

And you're fine where you are
But you'd be better off far away

Staying clear of a girl with a broken heart
And new theories on men

That all end with 'they suck'
Fuck, I'm so fucking drunk

You wanna fuck?
Is that what you want?

You new men say you want more
And more I can't guarantee

The gender roles have switched permanently
And I'm just a victim of progress, you see

Do you like me?

I'm lovable, aren't I?
This is when you say 'Yes'

Let me tell you when to agree
And you'll do much better with me

If you wanna marry me
Let me know now

So I can shave my legs
And pick out a gown

I am not afraid
I am not a virgin
I am not a healer
I am not repaired
I am not prepared either
I am not perfect
I am not sure I'll be me in five months

If you bite
I'll bite back

If we fight
Let's do it right
And make love after
Like, immediately after

I want to put my hands on your chest
To steady myself
While I slide you inside me
And ride you in a daze
Like I'm half-asleep

If you're sure of me
Then why are you blushing

Am I rushing things
By talking dirty?

Fuck
Me
Tonight

Is that all right to say?
Or are you planning on running
Away?

We can be here all day
Asking questions

Answers, questions
Answers, queries
Problems, solutions

We can have it all

And if we do, well--

That depends on you

The Villain's Missing Hurricane

Hello?

Yes, I'd like to speak to whomever is in charge
Of predicting the weather
Provided he still has a job
In which case
I'd also like to talk to the moron
Who hasn't fired him yet

Yes, I'll hold

...Is this Dean Martin?...

Yes, this is the Villain

No, the is just before the Villain
It's not my first name

V-I-L-L-A-I-N

...But it's not--

Ugh

T-H-E

Okay, fine

Now, could I please--

Yes, I'll hold

...Maybe it's Tony Bennett...

...I got you...under my--

Yes, I'm here!

Well, I'm just a little perturbed, you see
Because I was supposed to blow up the East Coast tonight
But I couldn't
Because nobody would have noticed
Because allegedly there was going to be a hurricane
That would do its own form of destruction
And then nobody would notice my hard work
And so instead I rented 'You've Got Mail'
Stocked up on bottled water
And spent the evening in with my koala bear, John Tesh

J-O-H-N T-E-S-H

Well, what am I supposed to do with all this bottled water???

I can't DRINK it!
Don't be insane!

My bladder is the size of a thumbtack!

Well, WHY did you predict a hurricane
When there wasn't one?

You know why I think you did it?

Because you're a liar

And let me tell you something, liar

I may blow up small islands
I may shave poodles for no reason
I may have been indirectly responsible for the break-up of The Wallflowers

But at no time, have I ever LIED ABOUT THE WEATHER!

Only a sicko would do something like that

A SICKO!

Yes, I'll hold

...Okay, this sounds like Bing Crosby, I'm just totally confused...

Hello?

Yes, I'm here

Not an exact science?

Neither is shooting secret agents
But I somehow always manage to get it right

Except when John Tesh accidentally gnaws on the bars on their cage
And lets them out

He's teething...again

What?

No, I do not want a weather boy badge!

I'm not a boy!

I mean, I am a boy
But I'm not--

Oooohhhh, hang on

I'm getting in my swivel chair

I am going to swivel this out with you
All over your face!

...It doesn't mean anything! It's just something you say while you're swiveling!

Oh yeah? Well you're a LIAR!

WELL THE FROWNY FACE CLOUD DOESN'T STICK ITSELF TO THE MAP NOW DOES IT, YOU LIAR?

LIAR LIAR LIAR--

...He hung up

Well, that's fine

He probably has to rush home

Then again, with that rabid otter in his car
I'm not sure how far he thinks he's going

Maybe next time
He'll wait to use the frowny face cloud
And not jump to conclusions
That ruin perfectly good weekends
When certain Villains could be out
Partying with his henchmen

Wouldn't that be nice, John Tesh?

Wouldn't that just be fantastic?

Today I Stopped

Today I stopped

I quit

I gave it up

I threw it away

I tore up the number
That I wrote
On sheet metal

I burned the pack

I poured out the booze

I apologized

I gave away my shit

I acknowledged my shit

I stopped rolling around in my shit
Like a pig
With a personality disorder

I ripped my shirt off

I stopped saying nasty things to myself

I stopped saying nasty things altogether

I ate cake

I stuffed my face
With cake

Then I put the cake away

I looked in all my mirrors

I dug up the grave
I danced on the grave
I prayed on the grave
I played on the grave
I stayed on the grave

That grave belonged to me
And today it's just grass
With a stone on top

I paid all my bills

I wrote down my thoughts

I forgave myself

I forgave everybody else

I unpacked my boxes

I phoned my mother

I made bread

I screwed up
I screwed up
I screwed up

And I started

I started

And I failed
And I suck
And I'm wrong
And I'm worthless
And I'm mean
And I'm an asshole
And I should die

But instead

I'll stop

I'll just stop

And start again

Emma in Las Vegas

We had the same professor of writing
And he knew we were soul mates
Before we did

He read my writing
And told me to find her

He told me to find Jenna

But Jenna is not easy to find

I am from Poland
She is from Everywhere

I couldn't find her on a map

But my professor found her
And we spoke on the phone

She had a voice like sugar on baked bread

You taste her and you sense
So much more

I was Anna from Poland
When I spoke to her

Now I am Emma in Las Vegas

I traded identities with a girl from my class
Who needed to disappear

I needed to disappear also

I needed to come to Las Vegas
To see Jenna
To be with her

She was ready for me

And when I arrived here
I found her outside a casino
Smoking and talking to a man
About taking him back to her room

This was not what I was promised

I slapped her across the face
And started to walk
Away from the lights

But the lights follow you everywhere
And so does Jenna

She met me at a bar
Where I was hired to be a waitress

She ordered a drink
Then another drink
Then she took me to her apartment
Outside the city

We made love while the light that was the city
Crawled into the bedroom
And crawled into us

I fell in love with her
I fell in love with Las Vegas
With its neverending light

Where I come from
Light is temporary
Always temporary

Before I left home
My father said to me

'Remember who you are every time you start to impress yourself'

In my house
You had to steal happiness from others
And then you were looked at
As a thief

Jenna steals too
But I have enough of what she steals
So I let her
And I still feel happy

She gives me pills to take
And things to drink
And has men come over
And dance with us
While we kiss and make love

She is moving
She is always moving

The man she loved, Robert
He left her at an airport
And now she's afraid of planes

She sees one in the sky
And she buries her eyes against my cheek
Waiting until the plane goes by

Sometimes we spend all day
Wearing nothing but the sheet
That covers our bed

Sometimes we make dinner
Like we are adults
With jobs and success

Sometimes the men come back late at night
And pound on the front door
When they realize money was taken out of their wallets
More money than they agreed to pay

Jenna goes into the city
But I stay here
And watch coin jars
We keep in the closet

I watch to make sure
They don't escape
That nobody comes and takes them

I like the way the carpet feels
On my back

I start to feel good
And then my father's voice rings out
From the coins in the jars

He reminds me that I'm a book
That nobody ever finishes

They get bored and shove me away on a shelf
Forgetting I'm even there

Jenna doesn't come home

I know she's gone
But I still have to look for her

But I don't know how to put on my own clothes now

Jenna used to dress me
In her t-shirts and her dresses

She threw out everything that was mine
And I became her and hers
And now I'm naked
And none of her clothes
Seem to fit me

I go out into the street
Wearing a bathing suit top
And black dress pants
Sandals, not shoes

I do put on her sunglasses
To keep out the light

Because I know that's where she is
I know she's in the light

I take a taxi and pay in coins
I hope she's not mad

I go to the bars
I go to the clubs
I go to the spot
Where I slapped her
And I cry because I want to see her

I want to see her there
Even if she's with a man

Even if she's with a thousand men

I have to see her

I go to the airport
And try to buy a ticket
To her

I say 'Jenna, Jenna, Jenna'
And the woman at the airport
Calls security

They pull at me
And push me towards a room
Where they will ask me questions

I've been in those rooms before
And I don't want to go back inside them

The light there is harsh
It's too much
I can't find her sunglasses
Wasn't I wearing them?

I point to the planes outside
And I scream--

'She's afraid of planes! How can she move so fast when she's afraid of planes?'

I wake up in a bed
Next to a desk
Where a nurse sits looking at me
Like in school

I am calm
I feel calm
My stomach hurts
I throw up

The nurse brings more nurses
A doctor
I see a policeman

Where's Jenna?

Did they find Jenna?

Where is she?

They find the number to my writing professor
Because I've written his name on my stomach

They call him
And he calls my father
And my father says he will not come here
That I can take care of myself
And my own disgrace

And so my professor flies to Las Vegas
And takes me back to Providence himself

I'm on the plane looking out the window
At the light
At all the light

And I could see Jenna moving around in the light

Dancing with men in the light
Dancing by herself in the light
Looking around for me

Wondering why I left

Wondering and dancing

And slowly going out

The Babysitter Called

The babysitter called
The children have taken over Guatemala

They have formed a drug cartel
And they are currently
Holding the President of Mexico captive
On a small island
Off the coast of Brazil

Our six-year-old has taken up gambling
And owes over eight hundred dollars
To the schoolyard hustler
Who bet him that Mrs. McGovern
Was going to give birth in April
Rather than in May

Our four-year-old has learned to swear
And now does it frequently
And with great vigor

She has told the babysitter to 'f' off
To go 'd' herself in the 'p'
And finish it off with a 'jdv'

She escaped from the babysitter
And is now doing stand-up comedy
At the Tickle Tower downtown

Finally, the babysitter informed me
That our one-year-old is now married
To a one-and-a-half-year-old named Chloe
Who he met on eHarmony

They already have matching tattoos
And they both love David Sedaris

The babysitter thinks they'll be very happy together
And she congratulated us on the new addition to our family

Now, that was the eighth time I've called the sitter

If you make me call her again
Or if she calls us
I'll come back and tell you
That the children have formed a singing group
Called 'Ritual Sacrifice'

Tonight is for us
That's why we got the sitter
That's why we're allowed to be grown-ups tonight

That's why we're going to enjoy ourselves

And if the children do a good job of running Guatemala while we're gone
Then I guess everybody wins, don't they?

Cheers

This Is When We Sing

When Pop died in '95
We spread his ashes
Over a lake in upstate New York

Me, Cork, and Ma
And when we were done
Ma had a hand apiece
From each of us
Plus Cork's wife Karen
And Ma said--

This is when we sing

My brother studied opera
When he was in school
But wrote letters back
Saying he was pre-law
Because he knew Pop would say
That opera won't pay the bills
Still, Ma says Pop knew all along
That their kid was meant to sing, not sue
And this is when we sing

We eat at the pancake place
Right by the lake
And Karen tell us her Pop story
Because everyone who ever met Pop
Has a Pop story
And Karen's Pop story
Is that when she met Pop
He made her sit down at the piano with him
And sing 'Spirit in the Sky'

Have you ever heard 'Spirit in the Sky' on piano?

It's perhaps the most awful sound in the world

And Pop wailed along
While Karen tried to keep up

She thought he was both insane
And extremely religious

And every time he wanted to cue her
He'd say--

This is when we sing

Ma says when me and Cork were born
Pop refused to admit
That we looked like him
Even though we both have his nose
And his chin, and his goofy grin

When the business closed
Ma locked herself in the bedroom
Convinced we were going to be on the street
And Pop picked the lock on the bedroom door
While holding me and Cork on each arm
And he picked Mom up too
I don't know how

And the next thing I knew
We were all in the living room
Around the piano
With Ma saying--

'Joe, we're going to be in the poorhouse next month'

And Pop saying--

This is when we sing

When my Pop got sick
He used to sing in the hospital
All his nurses used to make requests
And he'd sing

At his last breath
He was smiling
And singing

Ma was crying too hard to be in the room
Cork and I were looking down
And Pop was holding Karen's hand

And singing 'Spirit in the Sky'

When we all drove back
From spreading Pop's ashes

Ma put the radio on
Pushed back the tears
At the edge of her eyes

Looked at the three of us
And said--

'Okay, kids--'

This is when we sing