A Forty-Seven Minute Joke That Isn't a Joke At All

I don’t really have a punchline

I have a long, long story

That just kind of

Ends

And when I tell the story

People look at me like--

And then?

And I’m like--

Yeah, that’s it

And because the story

Takes forty-seven minutes to tell

They get so angry

I don’t know if they’d get as angry

If it was, like, a forty-five minute story

Or a forty-three minute story

But I do know that forty-seven minutes

With no punchline

And they are fit to be tied

Everyone keeps telling me

What a bad comedian I am

And I’m like--

Who said I was a comedian?

And they’re like--

Well, you’re up there

Telling jokes

And I’m like--

I don’t know if you’d call

These jokes

A forty-seven minute story

With absolutely nothing funny about it

Is hardly a joke

And they’re like--

Well, what are you doing up there?

And I’m like--

There’s a microphone

People are listening

I’m talking

I’m telling a story

Something that happened to me

And they’re like--

This isn’t a storytelling night

It’s a night of comedy

And I’m like--

Well I guess it’s funny

I wound up here

With a forty-seven minute story

And no jokes to tell

But usually they disagree

They do not find that funny

Not at all, and um--

It’s probably true

That I could find a better, um,

Forum

For my story

But, um, you know

Sometimes you have to seize

The forum

That’s given to you

I walked by a bar

I saw a microphone

I saw a stage

I saw people listening

And I got up there

And, um, there’s no message in that

Like, no moral or anything

It’s just what happened

But, you know, people get so occupied

With why something happened

And, like, so often?

We forget

That things just happen
And there’s really no reason for them

And, it’s like, if you just listen

Or watch

Or whatever

And experience a thing happening

Without it

Needing to mean something
It’s just--

I mean, I just find it to be

A much better way

Of, uh, you know

Going through life

Not always, like,

Tearing your hair out

Trying to figure out

Why some guy

Is going on and on

For forty-seven minutes

And then just abruptly stops

And looks at you like--

Yeah, that’s it

Any questions?

And, like, whether or not

You do have any questions

It’s like--

Forty-seven minutes

Isn’t that long a time

Provided you don’t have, like,

A terminal illness or something

So why not just listen, you know?

That’s how life should be

I think

I can’t say it’s always funny

But, uh

Yeah

We're Okay Not Knowing

We’re okay not knowing

That’s the truth of it

Woman standing in the middle of town

Screaming about
What’s going on?

We walked by her

Everybody walked by her

And that’s why you see this pushback now--

You’re getting pushback

Because, uh, well a lot of people--

A lot of people

Feel like they’re, uh, implicated

In the--you know--the cover-up

Whether they’re--

It’s not like they even knew the guy

But they felt bad

Because they knew what was going on

And they didn’t

Do anything

So when you’re faced with that--

You know

The obvious--

Well, like if we were watching it in a movie

The obvious thing to do

Would be

To say ‘Wow, I was wrong’

But you cannot--

I mean, you really can’t grasp

How badly

People do not like

Being wrong

And I don’t know--

I don’t know what’s in our DNA

That causes that

But people really will

Go to these, uh, extreme lengths

To not be wrong

So instead--

The extreme length?

In this case?

Is, uh--

It’s attacking victims

It’s casting doubt on victims

They don’t give a damn about this guy

They don’t--

They don’t care about

Protecting this guy

This guy is nothing to them

They don’t even know him--most of them

But they know

That they know

What was going on

Right?

Okay, and they--

They did nothing

And they have to--

Well, at that point?

Everybody’s covering up something

Covering up their ignorance

Their willingness to, uh, be ignorant

That they walked by the screaming woman

They’re covering up that they knew

And that they were okay with knowing

Or, in some cases, not knowing

But, you know, what I say to them is--

Or what I would say is--

The minute you cover your ears

You know

The minute you close your eyes

You know

The minute you get that feeling like--

Oh, I’d rather not hear

The next sentence

Coming out of this person’s mouth--

You know

Because even if you don’t know

Exactly what’s going on

You know that, without a doubt,

Something is going on

And then you choose not to know, but--

But the point is

You know enough

To keep walking

You know enough

To cover your ears

To hurry by

You know enough, don’t you?

So at that point

You know

And you’re okay

With knowing

The Dozen

(A meeting of the donuts.)

DONUT #1:  So, uh, there’s no easy way to say this.

DONUT #2:  They’re rebranding, aren’t they?  
Less donuts, more coffee?

DONUT #1:  No, uh, so...you know how there are
twelve of us?

DONUT #3:  Yeah.

DONUT #1:  Apparently, the, uh, customer, wanted,
um, more.

DONUT #2:  How many more?

DONUT #1:  Not many, um, just…

DONUT #3:  Oh god…

DONUT #1:  ...One more.

(A beat.)

TWO:  Are you telling us--

ONE:  First off, let’s not panic.

THREE:  Are you saying--

ONE:  The customer might change their mind.

TWO:  Are we going to be--

ONE:  Anything could happen, but we should be
prepared to--

THREE:  We’re going to be...a baker’s dozen?

ONE:  Hold on--

TWO:  That--that changes everything.

ONE:  It’s just one more donut.

THREE:  Where's the extra one going to go?

TWO:  I’m not making more room.

ONE:  Nobody has to make more room yet.

THREE:  Then where are they going to go?

ONE:  I think they have a special box or--

TWO:  WE’RE GOING IN A NEW BOX?

ONE:  That’s just a guess.

TWO:  I’m not going in a new box.

ONE:  Nobody has to go in a new box.

TWO:  Well, this box isn’t big enough for thirteen.

ONE:  If it’s big enough for twelve, it’s big enough
for thirteen.

TWO:  Do you know the difference between twelve
and thirteen?

ONE:  Yes, it’s...one.

TWO:  It’s a huge difference.

ONE:  It’s really not.

THREE:  This is going to change the whole dynamic
of the dozen.

ONE:  There’s a dynamic?

THREE:  There is a dynamic that exists among a dozen
donuts and that dynamic is going to be forever changed.

ONE:  We’re still going to be a dozen.

TWO:  A BAKER’S DOZEN.

ONE:  Doesn’t that sound charming?

TWO and THREE:  No!

ONE:  Maybe it’ll be a donut we really enjoy!  Like glazed
or apple cinnamon--

THREE:  Who enjoys apple cinnamon?

ONE:  Everybody enjoys apple cinnamon.

THREE:  I’d like to hear your definition of ‘everybody.’

ONE:  Maybe it won’t even be a donut.  Maybe they’ll throw
in a bagel.

(A beat.)

TWO:  Is that supposed to be a joke?

ONE:  No.

THREE:  We’re donuts.

ONE:  I know that but--

THREE:  If they add a bagel--

ONE:  Look, I’m just trying to--

THREE:  That’ll change...everything.

ONE:  I--

TWO:  Do you want to see a crisis?

ONE:  I really don’t.

TWO:  Because that would be a full-blown crisis.

THREE: It would be like putting a muffin in with
us. We'd have to kill it immediately.

ONE:  This is not a big deal.

THREE:  So you’re going to make room for Number
Thirteen?

ONE:  I would happily--

TWO:  Thirteen is an unlucky number, you know.

ONE:  Then maybe we shouldn’t number.

TWO:  NOW YOU’RE SPOUTING NONSENSE.

ONE:  It’s one extra donut.

THREE:  Or bagel.  Or elephant.  Who knows where
this ends?

ONE:  It’ll probably be a donut.  Maybe it’ll even be
another one of you, Number Two.

(A beat.)

THREE:  Ohhhhh boy.

TWO:  What are you talking about?

THREE:  You shouldn’t have said that.

TWO:  What the hell are you talking about?

ONE:  It was just an example.

TWO:  You think they’re going to throw another
powdered donut in here with me.

ONE:  Well--

TWO:  WITH ME?

ONE:  It’s just--

TWO:  There’s only room for one powdered donut in
this box, Number One.  There is an ecosystem in
this box. A fragile ecosystem. Any more powder
in here and we'll have a full-blown culinary
breakdown.

ONE:  Fine, so maybe it’ll be another one of me.

THREE:  Just what we need.  Another chocolate frosted
in the box.

(A beat.)

ONE:  What’s that supposed to mean?

THREE:  You get your frosting on everything.

ONE:  I do not!

TWO:  Yes, you do.

ONE:  Oh, and you don’t get your powder
on everything?

TWO:  I am very tidy.

ONE:  That’s a laugh.  Have you seen
what happens when someone eats one
of you? It’s like a Miami drug bust.

TWO:  Meanwhile you’ve got frosting dripping
all over the place.

ONE: When was the last time I DRIPPED?

THREE:  Look, neither one of you is very
tidy but--

ONE:  Says the jelly donut!

THREE:  I’m sugared jelly, not powdered jelly.
 I’m very neat.

TWO:  Was that a dig at being powdered?

ONE:  Can we all just remember that this new donut--or
bagel--is going to be a part of our box whether we like it
or not, so we might as well just make them feel as
welcome as possible?

TWO:  But--

ONE:  Please?

(A beat.)

TWO:  Fine.

ONE:  Fine? Number Three?

THREE:  I don't like it, but...okay.

ONE:  Great.

(A beat.)

TWO:  But what if it’s a cruller?

ONE:  We wait until nobody’s looking and
we push it out of the box.

TWO AND THREE:  Agreed.

End of Play