Spiderman in the Neighborhood

(A town council meeting.)

CHAIRPERSON:  ...The next order of
business is, uh, Spiderman.

(SPIDERMAN approaches the podium.)

SPIDERMAN:  Hi, hello, I’m Spiderman.

(Greetings from ALL.)

SPIDERMAN:  I’m here today, because, uh,
I wanted to talk to you about your rising
crime rate?

CHAIRPERSON:  Yes, crime’s gotten very bad.

SPIDERMAN:  Right, which is, uh, unfortunate,
because I moved here from the city hoping
there would be, you know, less crime.

CHAIRPERSON:  We have a sub-committee looking into it.

SPIDERMAN:  Well, the thing is, I don’t mind helping
with the, uh, crime, but you see, the problem is, uh,
you don’t really have any tall buildings around here.

CHAIRPERSON:  Yes, we have an ordinance that
no buildings in town can be over two stories.

SPIDERMAN:  Right, and uh, well, I gotta tell you,
that’s really cramping my style.

CHAIRPERSON:  Mr. Spiderman--

SPIDERMAN:  Just Spider.

CHAIRPERSON:  Spider, you need tall buildings
to fight crime?

SPIDERMAN:  Yeah, so that, you know, when I chase
them, I can go from building to--

VICE-CHAIR:  You scale the buildings?

SPIDERMAN:  No, that’s Superman.

CHAIRPERSON:  So what do you do?

SPIDERMAN:  I, uh, shoot webs at them, and then--

VICE-CHAIR:  Won’t that need to be cleaned up?

SPIDERMAN:  Not really, no.  It just sort of...
falls to the ground.

CHAIRPERSON:  And then who picks it up from
the ground?

SPIDERMAN:  Uh, I don’t really bother with--

VICE-CHAIR:  And what are these webs made of?

SPIDERMAN:  Uh, well they’re spider webs--

CHAIRPERSON:  My granddaughter is allergic to spiders.

SPIDERMAN:  Oh, uh, well--

CHAIRPERSON:  Can’t you use something else?

SPIDERMAN:  No, I, um, I’m...Spiderman?  So?

VICE-CHAIR:  And you want us to build taller buildings?

SPIDERMAN:  Just, like, a few more on each block.  
It would also really help me get home everyday.  
Your public transportation system is--not great, if
I'm being honest.

CHAIRPERSON:  How tall would you need these
buildings to be?

SPIDERMAN:  Like...ten stories maybe?

VICE-CHAIR:  Ten stories?

SPIDERMAN:  Twenty, if possible?

CHAIRPERSON:  Mr. Spider--

SPIDERMAN:  Oh, just Spider.

CHAIRPERSON:  Mr. Spider, we are a small town.  
We have no need for buildings that tall.

SPIDERMAN:  But you also have twelve arsonists,
three evil scientists, and somebody called Sloth Guy
running around. Well, not running, but--

CHAIRPERSON:  Yes, apparently, you’re not the only
one fleeing here from the city.

SPIDERMAN:  Like I said, I can help.

VICE-CHAIR:  You’d arrest these people?

SPIDERMAN:  Well--no. I’m not a police officer.

VICE-CHAIR:  So you’re a vigilante?

SPIDERMAN:  Geez, now you sound like Mr. Jameson.

CHAIRPERSON:  We can’t just let you go after criminals.  
That’s anarchy.

SPIDERMAN:  Okay, but your police force is one guy
named Gary, and he’s seventy-eight years old.

VICE-CHAIR:  He is a pillar of this community.

SPIDERMAN:  Didn't he once leave his gun on a playground?

CHAIRPERSON:  He’s a little on the forgetful side, but
we appreciate his service.

SPIDERMAN:  He’s useless.

VICE-CHAIR:  Hey! Gary fought in the war!
 You show some respect.

SPIDERMAN:  Which war?

VICE-CHAIR:  One of the...older ones.

SPIDERMAN:  I can get rid of all those villains in
one afternoon.  Two if Sloth Man has an evil sidekick
we don’t know about.

CHAIRPERSON:  Maybe we’ll just let things run their course.

SPIDERMAN:  You’re going to let CRIME run its course?

CHAIRPERSON:  Mr. Essman--

SPIDERMAN:  Nope.

CHAIRPERSON:  We don’t see how it would be productive to
have you confronting dangerous criminals
right in the middle of Main Street.

CHAIRPERSON:  Maybe you could take them to an
abandoned lot outside of town and fight them there?

SPIDERMAN:  That’s...not how that works. I'm not
a Power Ranger.

VICE-CHAIR:  Couldn’t the buildings you want us to
build be damaged during one of these confrontations?

SPIDERMAN:  Oh yeah, there’d be major damage.  
Lots of destruction. Very sad.

CHAIRPERSON:  What about loss of life?

SPIDERMAN:  I mean, I assume that happens as well,
but I try not to think about it.  Really kills the fun-loving,
crime-fighting vibe I’m going for, you know?

VICE-CHAIR:  So you get rid of crime but there’s
property damage and people die and then you
crack jokes about it?

SPIDERMAN:  Hey, I don’t go around attacking
your brand, do I?

(SPIDERMAN laughs.  Nobody else does.)

CHAIRPERSON:  And you capture the criminals
by--what?  Snaring them in your webs?

VICE-CHAIR:  Where’s their due process?

SPIDERMAN:  They get that after I snare them.

VICE-CHAIR:  Do you read them their rights?

SPIDERMAN:  Again--not a policeman.

CHAIRPERSON:  Have you ever caught the
wrong person?

SPIDERMAN:  Statistically I must have at some point.

VICE-CHAIR:  Don’t you find that unsettling?

SPIDERMAN:  Again, thinking really isn’t my thing.  
I’m more like--swing, swing--wisecrack, wisecrack.

(SPIDERMAN laughs.  Nobody else does.)

CHAIRPERSON:  I think we should move on to the
next order of business.

VICE-CHAIR:  That has to do with people being
allowed to wear masks in public.

SPIDERMAN:  Uh, I guess I should probably stick
around for that one, huh?

(SPIDERMAN laughs.  Again, only SPIDERMAN.)

The End