The Dozen

(A meeting of the donuts.)

DONUT #1:  So, uh, there’s no easy way to say this.

DONUT #2:  They’re rebranding, aren’t they?  
Less donuts, more coffee?

DONUT #1:  No, uh, so...you know how there are
twelve of us?

DONUT #3:  Yeah.

DONUT #1:  Apparently, the, uh, customer, wanted,
um, more.

DONUT #2:  How many more?

DONUT #1:  Not many, um, just…

DONUT #3:  Oh god…

DONUT #1:  ...One more.

(A beat.)

TWO:  Are you telling us--

ONE:  First off, let’s not panic.

THREE:  Are you saying--

ONE:  The customer might change their mind.

TWO:  Are we going to be--

ONE:  Anything could happen, but we should be
prepared to--

THREE:  We’re going to be...a baker’s dozen?

ONE:  Hold on--

TWO:  That--that changes everything.

ONE:  It’s just one more donut.

THREE:  Where's the extra one going to go?

TWO:  I’m not making more room.

ONE:  Nobody has to make more room yet.

THREE:  Then where are they going to go?

ONE:  I think they have a special box or--

TWO:  WE’RE GOING IN A NEW BOX?

ONE:  That’s just a guess.

TWO:  I’m not going in a new box.

ONE:  Nobody has to go in a new box.

TWO:  Well, this box isn’t big enough for thirteen.

ONE:  If it’s big enough for twelve, it’s big enough
for thirteen.

TWO:  Do you know the difference between twelve
and thirteen?

ONE:  Yes, it’s...one.

TWO:  It’s a huge difference.

ONE:  It’s really not.

THREE:  This is going to change the whole dynamic
of the dozen.

ONE:  There’s a dynamic?

THREE:  There is a dynamic that exists among a dozen
donuts and that dynamic is going to be forever changed.

ONE:  We’re still going to be a dozen.

TWO:  A BAKER’S DOZEN.

ONE:  Doesn’t that sound charming?

TWO and THREE:  No!

ONE:  Maybe it’ll be a donut we really enjoy!  Like glazed
or apple cinnamon--

THREE:  Who enjoys apple cinnamon?

ONE:  Everybody enjoys apple cinnamon.

THREE:  I’d like to hear your definition of ‘everybody.’

ONE:  Maybe it won’t even be a donut.  Maybe they’ll throw
in a bagel.

(A beat.)

TWO:  Is that supposed to be a joke?

ONE:  No.

THREE:  We’re donuts.

ONE:  I know that but--

THREE:  If they add a bagel--

ONE:  Look, I’m just trying to--

THREE:  That’ll change...everything.

ONE:  I--

TWO:  Do you want to see a crisis?

ONE:  I really don’t.

TWO:  Because that would be a full-blown crisis.

THREE: It would be like putting a muffin in with
us. We'd have to kill it immediately.

ONE:  This is not a big deal.

THREE:  So you’re going to make room for Number
Thirteen?

ONE:  I would happily--

TWO:  Thirteen is an unlucky number, you know.

ONE:  Then maybe we shouldn’t number.

TWO:  NOW YOU’RE SPOUTING NONSENSE.

ONE:  It’s one extra donut.

THREE:  Or bagel.  Or elephant.  Who knows where
this ends?

ONE:  It’ll probably be a donut.  Maybe it’ll even be
another one of you, Number Two.

(A beat.)

THREE:  Ohhhhh boy.

TWO:  What are you talking about?

THREE:  You shouldn’t have said that.

TWO:  What the hell are you talking about?

ONE:  It was just an example.

TWO:  You think they’re going to throw another
powdered donut in here with me.

ONE:  Well--

TWO:  WITH ME?

ONE:  It’s just--

TWO:  There’s only room for one powdered donut in
this box, Number One.  There is an ecosystem in
this box. A fragile ecosystem. Any more powder
in here and we'll have a full-blown culinary
breakdown.

ONE:  Fine, so maybe it’ll be another one of me.

THREE:  Just what we need.  Another chocolate frosted
in the box.

(A beat.)

ONE:  What’s that supposed to mean?

THREE:  You get your frosting on everything.

ONE:  I do not!

TWO:  Yes, you do.

ONE:  Oh, and you don’t get your powder
on everything?

TWO:  I am very tidy.

ONE:  That’s a laugh.  Have you seen
what happens when someone eats one
of you? It’s like a Miami drug bust.

TWO:  Meanwhile you’ve got frosting dripping
all over the place.

ONE: When was the last time I DRIPPED?

THREE:  Look, neither one of you is very
tidy but--

ONE:  Says the jelly donut!

THREE:  I’m sugared jelly, not powdered jelly.
 I’m very neat.

TWO:  Was that a dig at being powdered?

ONE:  Can we all just remember that this new donut--or
bagel--is going to be a part of our box whether we like it
or not, so we might as well just make them feel as
welcome as possible?

TWO:  But--

ONE:  Please?

(A beat.)

TWO:  Fine.

ONE:  Fine? Number Three?

THREE:  I don't like it, but...okay.

ONE:  Great.

(A beat.)

TWO:  But what if it’s a cruller?

ONE:  We wait until nobody’s looking and
we push it out of the box.

TWO AND THREE:  Agreed.

End of Play