'Til the Roots Show

I gotta know, you know
How long you're...

Planning on hanging around

Like, what are we talking here?

Six months?  Eight?
Do I get you for a year?
A whole year?

Let's just be honest about this
What--are we talking about?

You going to stick around
Until I need something
Until my, I don't know, oldest living relative dies
Or I decide to go back to school
Which will, of course, be a very poor decision on my part

Will you still be here if I get fat?
Because I will know
Here's the thing nobody admits to themselves--

Everybody
Gets
Fat

Fat or ancient
But either way
At some point in the future
I will not be attractive
And you can write all the Hallmark cards you want about love
But the truth is
There is going to come a day
When you
Do no
Want to get naked with me
Anymore

And I--

...I just want to know...

...What to expect

Because I know you'll be long gone before then

Before I get fat
Or old
I know it's not going to take something that extreme
To make you disappear
So I'm just wondering
What it is

Like, how many times am I going to have to fuck up
Before you're like--
Yup, I'm done
I'm out

'Til I get boring?
'Til I get mean?
'Til the roots show?

Huh?

Sometimes I wonder what's better

Enjoying you pretending you're never going to leave
Or assuming you are going to leave
So that when you do
It won't hurt as much

Well...

Well that's that

How to Have Sex in America

The first thing I feel like I should mention
Is that we're not in America

So, you know, however we may do it
However may have sex in America
Right now, we are not
In America

We're in Japan
And that means we follow Japanese rules
Whatever those are
Or we make up new rules
That only pertain to us
Here, in this moment
In this country where neither of us speak the language
Or have any fucking clue how long we're going to be here
Because the Frederickson Scott brokerage firm
Can't seem to pull its head out of its own asshole
So we could be living in this lovely hotel
For quite some time

I just Skyped my wife
She's having an affair
Don't ask me how I know
I know, I know these things
I've known here--I've KNOWN her
Since we were fourteen
I know her inside and out
(And I'm not being crude)
She's having an affair
And I'm fine with it
It's fine

I mean, what is she supposed to do?
Sit around and wait for me to get back
From the land of too-clean streets and karaoke?
Nah, let her have her fun
I'm sure it's none of my friends
Probably some guy she met at the gym
Good for her
And good for me
I have a wife guys at the gym
Still want to fuck
Cheers to that, my friend

You think, uh, what's his name?
Your boyfriend or whatever?
Mark?

You think Mark's not having a good time
While you're over here with me?

Trust me, Richard
Everybody's doing
What everybody wants to do
That's the new order
The new way of being
It came in with yoga
And it's never going away

That's how to have sex in America
--When you want to
--Because you want to

But, as I said, we're not in America anyway
Which means we can really...

Ha

I like you, you know
I mean, we're pals, right?
Fuck me, who says 'pals?'
That's my sixth drink talking
But seriously, we're friends
We get along

And, I, uh...

Fuck man, I'm weird right now
Being here
It's weird

I mean, I'm not lonely, per se
But I'm definitely--displaced, you know?

Like, I'm not myself here

So, back in America, right--?
Back in America
I have this very definitive
Well-cultivated idea
Of who I am

I mean, I got a wife, right?
A hot wife
We're thinking of kids
I have this big house
I drive a nice car
I play golf
I fish with my dad
I watch football
I'm a fucking man, right?

I'm an American man

And there's a certain up-keep to that, you know?

Well, I mean, no, fuck, you wouldn't know
You're gay
Which doesn't make you not a man
But there are just certain pressures that you
As a gay man
Don't have to think about

So now I'm here, right?
With you, the two of us
And, at this point, because our company can't get its fucking act together
We're pretty much just on vacation

So you and I, what do we do?
We go out
We drink
We eat
We drink
We do 'Take On Me' at karaoke for the 4,000th fucking time
We drink
And then at the end of the night
We go to our rooms
Which are right fucking next to each other
And I feel like...

Like I feel like it's the end of a date, you know?

Like, you're walking me back to my door
Or I'm walking you back
And it feels sweet
I mean, I really like it

But there's another part of me
A really big part
That just wants to, like--go into your room
Or have you come into mine
And like--See what this thing is

This thing that--let's be clear--
Only exists here
Right now
Outside of, you know, America

Outside of the people we are
When we're in America

You in your stable gay relationship
And me in my happy 'look-the-other-way' kinda marriage

But here, it's like--

Like we don't even have to worry about that
About those words
Like what the fuck are those words?

Gay?  Straight?

We're two corporate guys in a foreign country
Doing absolutely fucking nothing
And going to bed every night
By ourselves

And like--why?  You know?  Why?

I don't...

Jesus, Richard
It's like we're on an island here, you know?
Like a fucking island

So if you could--

Look, I know you're attracted to me
And I don't say that just because I'm a guy
And you're gay
But because you look at me
And I see it?
Okay, I see it
And I'm looking at you
Right now
I'm looking right back at you
And I'm saying--

Whatever we do here
Whatever happens
It's not how it has to be forever
It's not how it has to be when we get home
But you already know what it would be like--with me, I mean
And I don't
I don't even know what it would be like
To be with you
Because I've never--

I'm saying show me
Show me
What it would be

Because I know how to have sex in America
I know how to have sex like a man
How to behave
How to treat the woman I'm with
How I'm supposed to react
And how she'll react
And how I can't really moan a certain way
Or cry out or even fucking cry
Because I'm just so happy
Because my wife feels so good
Because that would be weird

I know all that
I have mastered all that
But is there something else?
Is there?

Is there another way of being with someone
I mean, I know there is--clearly, you and--you and--you and--MARK
Right, MARK
That's a new way
And I'm not going to lie
That--I mean, that--

I mean, that's the only reason anybody has sex anyway, right?
Here, in America, wherever
It's just to find out something new
To learn something--or whatever
It's just to see some other part of a person
That they wouldn't show us otherwise
It's because we want to know
We want to believe
There's something else there
Aside from just the clothes and the cars
And the corporate credit cards
And the bullshit

We want to strip each other down
And just say--Okay, so that's something
That's something right there
That I didn't know existed

And then we're so fucking happy about it
--Realizing that we're not the only human being on the planet--
That we have sex just to celebrate the realization!

Isn't that wild?
That's fucking wild
Richard, I want you
I want to see
What you've got
Okay?
It's as simple as that
I like you
And I want to know
What else is there
Beyond this guy
I've been living with
For the past three weeks
In a hotel
In another country
Waiting
Waiting and doing nothing

So...can we?

Please?

I mean, because, who knows, right?
Who knows if we'll ever even get back to America?

This might it, you know
You and me?
What we're trying to figure out here?
Between the two of us?

This might be
The new way
Of getting things done

Captain Hook's Blind Date

Well, as you can see
It's a hook

No, no, it wasn't an accident--

Well, I mean, it was
I didn't cut my own hand off
I'm not a lunatic
Hahahahaha
It's really no big deal

It got cut off by an orphan I was hunting
And fed to a crocodile

It happens, what are you gonna do?

Huh?

Hunting?  I said 'hunting?'
Sorry, I'm not sure I meant 'hunting'
'Pursuing' sounds better
'Hunting' implies I was chasing him with a gun
Or hiding behind bushes with camouflage sunglasses on
Like some kind of weirdo
Trying to take him out quietly

No, I was tracking him from my pirate ship
And once I found him
I tried to impale him on my sword
When he--

How old is he?

Uh...it's hard to say

I think he's nine?
But he's been nine for a really long time
So, like, a very mature nine

I wish he'd get older, believe me
It's hard to impale a nine-year-old on your sword
You know?

They're so small
And they keep zig-zagging
When you're trying to--

Well, it's not JUST me versus him
He has a band of other nine-year-olds
And I have my pirates
And he has some mermaids
And I have Smee, who you'll meet at some point
He's a hoot, he really is
And, uh, he has this fairy
And some natives
And I, as I said, have my pirate ship
And one of my hands is a hook
So I mean, it's pretty much a fair fight

Murderer?

Of course I'm not a murderer

I've never murdered anybody

Well, yeah, I've tried
But it doesn't count
If you've never actually succeeded at it

At best, I'm an attempted murderer
Now, kidnapper--that I am
For sure
I've kidnapped all those orphans at least twenty times
But I can never get him--the main one
And he always rescues them
Before I can make them walk the plank

They're tied up, see, when they walk the plank?
So if they ever fell in the ocean
Presumably, they would drown
So I guess if that ever happened
Like, if he ever didn't save them in time
And they drowned
Then, I guess, technically, you could call me a murderer
But even then it seems way too complicated
Because, I mean, am I physically holding them underwater
While their little bodies run out of air?

Nooooo
That's the ocean doing that
That's not me
I just facilitate the whole thing

But as I said, it rarely happens
Because he always gets there in time
But hopefully, you know, one day
He won't
And then I can drown all those orphans
And then impale him
And throw him to the crocodile

So those are my goals, basically

What about you
What do you do for a living?

The IRS?

Eesh, god--I don't--I mean, I didn't--

You know, I'm going to be honest with you

I'm not sure this is going to work

Seventeen Dead Boyfriends

Ah well, day forty-seven of the plague

Lost another boyfriend, huh, Lufa?

That's...how many is that now?

Seventeen

Well...

Do we even have any boys left in the...

Oh, well, Friedrich, of course
He's a little chubby, but, I suppose with the famine upon us
He'll lose some of his--

Now, Lufa, don't be so dramatic
Just because you've had seventeen dead boyfriends
Doesn't mean you get to lock yourself up in this room
And never go out again

I mean, I wouldn't advise you going any further than down the hall
Your sister Elsa's just started coughing
And we all know how that goes

But look at me!
I'm still smiling
I'm still perky

Your father died two minutes after vomiting up his own kidney
And I'm still getting up every morning
Getting dressed
Checking on your brothers to make sure their noses haven't fallen off yet

Life goes on, Lufa
Life marches on

Now, if I lost any of you children, that would be it
They'd have to bury me with you

...Assuming they buried any of us
The waiting list on a cemetery plot these days
Is up to six years

But losing a boyfriend
In the grand scheme of things
Isn't anything to obsess over

Now, losing seventeen boyfriends is, I admit
Worth getting a little bit down in the dumps about
But for Heaven's sake, Lufa, look at you
It's half past six in the morning
You're sitting here in front of your bedroom window
And you still don't have any make-up on!

What would the neighbors think
If they weren't all dead?

Darling, one day we will emerge from this plague
All of us will

And we'll all have a good laugh about it

About the disease
And the pestilience
And the men at the marketplace
Using their detached arms as backscratchers

Oh, we'll just laugh and laugh and laugh!

Hahahaha....ah...

Darling, these are dark times
Loss is a way of life
Women are having twelve children
In the hopes that at least half of them
Will make it to the age of ten

I myself was one of sixteen children
And I'm the only one still alive

...Well, if you don't count Gunther
But I wouldn't
Not that with that humpback
It's not like anybody would want him
Carrying on the family name

The point is, Lufa, we are all accustomed to hardships
This dead boyfriend, that boyfriend
One potato, two potato

No matter what
You have to keep living
You have to seize life
And never let it go!


...As long as you don't go outside
Or interact with anybody
Other than me

That's a dear

No more holing yourself up
In this room

It's a modern world now, Lufa
We all have to embrace it
And not cling to our old ways
By sheltering ourselves
And giving into superstition and fear

Now, if you'll excuse me
I have to go read the Bible to Elsa
Until the demon falls out of her genitals
So I can stick him with a fork blessed by a virgin
And watch him turn into a crow

It's going to be a long afternoon

What's Left of Jan

I put out my cigarette
Before walking into the house

The last thing I need is another lecture
From Mom about how smoking
Killed my father

I'd like to remind her that smoking didn't kill Dad
AIDS did--but I might as well take a knife
And put it through her eye

My father's trysts with other men
Began in the 70's
And they didn't stop
Not even when the 80's rolled around
And it became pretty clear
That if homosexuality was a choice
It sure as fuck wasn't healthy choice

Around here, though, to this day
We say Dad died of 'smoking'

The place is a pigsty
Since the lesbian maid
Ran off and cloistered herself

My sleazy older brother is already waiting for me
When I walk into the house

He still dresses the way he did when we were kids
Distinguishing himself as one of those guys
Who never quite made it out of the disco era

At least he finally shaved off
That ridiculous mustache
That made him look like the in-bred twin
Of Tom Selleck

'Marsh!' he yells at me
Shortening my name
For absolutely no reason

He comes over and hugs me
And--of course--grabs my ass

'You're disgusting,' I say
Pulling away

'What,' he says, 'It's not like we're blood relatives.'
'Our parents got married forty-five years ago, Greg.'
'And you look just as hot now as you did back then.'
'You're depraved.  What would you have done if I had asked Dad out on a date?'
'Good thing you didn't.  Then you'd have AIDS.'
'I hate you.  And stop asking Mom out on dates.  It really freaks her out.  She's just too nice to tell you.'
'Hey!  She said she was flattered!'

I don't listen to whatever else he has to say
I just head into the kitchen

Mom is sitting at the table
With Pete and Cindy

I used to like Pete
Until he married a woman half his age
Who we all assumed was a prostitute
I'll admit, he's aged the best out of all of us

Cindy disappoints me every time I see her
It's not her fault
When you peak at seven
Life becomes one long stream
Of people looking at you
With silent resignation

'Marsh, thank god you're here.'

Mom gets up to hug me

She still looks decent for her age
But ever since my father died
She's become a whore for attention

She secretly cherishes any event or situation
That allows her to be a focal point
And my sister's death is no exception

'I smell smoooooke,' my mom whispers in my ear
Cheerily, but with a nice healthy dollop of warning
Letting the 'o' become a bouncing ball
Ringing out a song of judgment

When she pulls back, all that I see is the face of a woman
Torn apart by grief

Lately, my mother's taken to acting
By performing with a local community group
And when I say 'taken to' I mean the way a duck takes
To eating bread out of your hand
While it subsequently shits in your picnic basket

'Where's Bobby,' I ask
'Couldn't make it,' Cindy says, picking at one of her cuticles
'Couldn't make it,' I repeat, stumped, 'Jan is dead.'
'They never really bonded,' Pete offered, shrugging his soldiers

I guess that's true
I can't even remember one instance
Of them speaking to each other

'Where is she,' I ask
'Up in your room,' Mom says, dealing out cards to Pete and Cindy
'What do you mean "up in our room,"' I ask
'Well,' says my mother, a forced tear being pushed out of her eye
'Where else would she be?'

. . . . .

I found the urn resting against the pink pillow
On my sister's bed

Mom had even pulled the blanket up to it
So it looked like my sister had simply transformed
Into a tiny jar
That was taking a nap

Poor Jan

She didn't have the easiest life

Oh sure, Bobby was in a wheelchair
And Greg was arrested for buying child pornography
(For what he claimed was for a cabaret act/political statement piece he was working on)
Cindy had the eating disorder
Pete may or may not have married a whore
Dad died of AIDS
The maid was a lesbian
Mom was one one-hundredth of the person she probably could have been

But Jan still seemed like the sad one

I remember the summer we all took a Musical Theatre Performance Class
But Jan couldn't sing or dance
So we asked her friend instead--who also happened to be named Jan
And we liked her so much
We just started pretending she was the real Jan

That only lasted that one summer though
Then Fake Jan moved to California with her father
And ended up being the victim of a serial killer
Known as Gilligan

Life is such a fucking pumpkin pie sometimes

I sat down next to my sister on the bed
And lovingly stroked
The cool, cheap metal
Where her cheek would be

The urn was tarnished and sad
It was the color of that stuff around the burners
Or an unclean stove

My mother had spared every expense
To make sure Jan's eternity
Would be just as lackluster as her life

'I'm sorry, Jan,' I said, 'I'm sorry for...'

And I stopped
Because, as is often the case--

I didn't know where to begin

The Other Side of the Ouija Board

Hello, Operator?
This is Soul 38394975767230983485674

I'd like to contact a Marjorie Dilson
She's at a seance right now
Well, it's a Halloween party
But they're doing the seance as sort of a kitschy--

Oh, sorry, yes
Ouija Board

Relationship to Contact?
She's my daughter

No previous contact
Has been made
Up until this point

Unless you count the time
I...No, never mind

No, I don't plan on possessing anyone
I have an appointment in an hour
To get coffee with my great-great grandfather
And he gets ornery if I keep him waiting

Thank you

The message is--

Marjorie, this is your mother
And I just wanted you to know
That you're the reason I threw myself
Off that cliff

It's all your fault
I know at the time
People convinced you
That I was sick or mentally ill or something
But that's not true

I was a perfectly happy, healthy individual
Until you came along
And ruined my life

I also want to let you know
That I hate your husband
I hate your haircut
I never approved of any of your choices
And there's a bag full of money buried somewhere
But I'm not going to tell you where
Because you don't deserve it

I know you're currently in therapy
Because you don't feel our relationship had any closure
And I want to tell you that you might as well quit
Because that therapist isn't doing you any good
No matter what anybody says

You were a horrible person when you started therapy
And now you're a horrible person who feels entitled to be horrible
Because their therapist is telling them they're not that bad
Which, by the way, is what any therapist who isn't an idiot would say

Do you think anybody's going to pay someone
To tell them how awful they are?
That shrink of yours knows where his bread is buttered

If he was at all honest with you
He would tell you that you're a lost cause
And that no dead person in their right mind
Would ever forgive you
For the things you've done

I was just talking with Benjamin Franklin about you
And he agrees that you're probably evil
I hate to throw that word around
But I couldn't think of anything stronger

So no, I don't forgive you
I don't miss you
And if, by some miracle
You are let into Heaven
Please don't come looking for me

...Well, it was nice chatting with you
Enjoy the party
And if you get a chance
Tell your father I knew about Nancy
And that accident with the steak knife
Was no accident

 Ta ta!

Sherlock Holmes in the Russian Hotel Room

     (The HOTEL MANAGER shows SHERLOCK into the room.)

HOTEL MANAGER:  So as you can see, a murder was committed in this room.  We thought you--

SHERLOCK:  OH MY GOD!

HOTEL MANAGER:  What is it?  What's wrong?

SHERLOCK:  What the hell has been going on in this room?

HOTEL MANAGER:  Well, we just hosted the Olympics so--

SHERLOCK:  Jesus.

HOTEL MANAGER:  There was a certain amount of celebrating and--

SHERLOCK:  I need to sit down.

HOTEL MANAGER:  Please, the bed is right there.

SHERLOCK:  Oh no, I'm not touching any surface in this room.  There's paprika everywhere.

HOTEL MANAGER:  Paprika?

SHERLOCK:  Yes!  Paprika!  Don't you use seasoning in this godforesaken country?

HOTEL MANAGER:  I--

SHERLOCK:  Not to mention the dried blood.

HOTEL MANAGER:  Well, there has been a murder.

SHERLOCK:  Yes, but it's llama's blood.  Why the hell was there a llama in here?

HOTEL MANAGER:  I don't know.  The room was supposed to be empty.  Somebody must have snuck in and--

SHERLOCK:  This is going to take awhile.

HOTEL MANAGER:  Can I offer you a complimentary night in our honeymoon suite?


SHERLOCK:  Well I'm traveling with my colleague Watson--


HOTEL MANAGER:  Oh, so you'd like somewhere with two beds.


SHERLOCK:  No, if you're out of rooms with two beds--


HOTEL MANAGER:  We're not, actually, we--


SHERLOCK:  One bed is fine.  A small bed.  Barely enough room for two people unless you hold onto each other tightly.  Oh, and leave some roses in the room.  And nice bath oils if you have it.  Perhaps light some candles.  We'll make due.
HOTEL MANAGER:  Well, all right--

SHERLOCK:  Somebody was poaching eggs in the bathroom sink.

HOTEL MANAGER:  What?

SHERLOCK:  There's a slight residue near the--

HOTEL MANAGER:  How can you even see that?

SHERLOCK:  I'm like a robot.  Sort of.  But I'm still sexy and nobody knows why.

HOTEL MANAGER:  Do you always talk this way?

SHERLOCK:  Yes.  Is it turning you on?

HOTEL MANAGER:  It is, and I don't know why.

SHERLOCK:  There's a tiny piece of cloth underneath the left pillow.

HOTEL MANAGER:  Okay, there's no way you could see UNDER something--

SHERLOCK:  It's shaped like a sail.  A miniature sail.  Somebody was making a ship to go into a bottle, and then they cracked the bottle against the wall, which is why you have that dent.

HOTEL MANAGER:  The dent on the left?

SHERLOCK:  No, on the right.  The dent on the left is where the midget landed.

HOTEL MANAGER:  The--

SHERLOCK:  When the prostitute threw him against the wall.

HOTEL MANAGER:  Oh.

SHERLOCK:  The Norwegians were involved, but I'd leave all that alone if I were you.

HOTEL MANAGER:  How--

SHERLOCK:  He cracked the bottle against that wall, and used it to slaughter the llama.

HOTEL MANAGER:  Ohhh, that llama died?  That's so sad.

SHERLOCK:  A few minutes ago, you thought it was a human?

HOTEL MANAGER:  Well, a human might have deserved it.

SHERLOCK:  The llama deserved it.  He was smug.  Thought he knew everything.  His favorite movie was Major League 2.

HOTEL MANAGER:  Now you're just making stuff up.

SHERLOCK:  After he killed the llama the murderer was hungry.  Killing a llama in a hotel room using nothing but a bottle is hard work, after all.

HOTEL MANAGER:  How did nobody hear this?

SHERLOCK:  The people in the next room were deaf.  The people in the other room were sound sleepers.  And the rest of the hallway was filled with people from the rough sex convention.

HOTEL MANAGER:  They told us they were rodeo clowns!

SHERLOCK:  I hope you paid the maids extra that week.

HOTEL MANAGER:  This is just terrible.

SHERLOCK:  Well, I don't know how I'm going to figure out--Wait.  Has Christopher Walken been anywhere near here?

HOTEL MANAGER:  Yes, he was filming a movie nearby.

SHERLOCK:  Case closed.  By the way, you might want to rip up the carpet.  The floor underneath is harboring an African ant infestation and pretty soon they'll be over-runing the place.

HOTEL MANAGER:  But how--

SHERLOCK:  You realize I'm billing you by the hour, right?

HOTEL MANAGER:  So lovely to meet you.

     (They shake hands.)

The Hotel Prairie

Nothing to do in town tonight
Whatever town it is
That's out there

Town like this
There are usually two things to do
On a weeknight

Drink and drink heavily

You would be amazed
How many nights I spend
In towns just like this

And it makes you...

...Well...

It makes you feel like you've traveled back in time
To, like, a place and time where--
Life was oppressively boring
Not just boring
But, you know, in this--
Like someone holding a pillow over your face
And just holding it there
Until you give up
And die

I mean, it is dreary

And I don't mean that it's dreary to live here
With, you know, your families
Or your friends around you

But to visit?

Visiting is just--

I sit in a room
I open the blinds
And--

--And I'm not kidding about this--

I sit on the edge of my bed
And I watch the sunset
Because it seems poetic
It seems like, I don't know
The appropriate thing to do

I sit and I look at nature
Because that's what's out there--nature
This is the Hotel Prairie
This is silence and reverence
And vast stretches of land
With nothing
I mean, nothing

And I feel...

You know, my life fits in one small suitcase
I mean, I am a light, light traveler
I have mastered the art
Of living for a week
Out of a four-by-four box
That I carry around with me
And I can show up anywhere
Looking like a million bucks
Using nothing but the tools
I put inside that box

And part of me feels like a superhero
I mean, I feel like James Bond
Whipping out my little razor kit
And doing my hair
And putting on my tie
And schmoozing the people I need to schmooze
To do my job

But then there's another part of me...

That feels a little bit like Sandra Bullock in Gravity

I'm just...floating in space, you know?

I'm...a speck on this...vast plain
This prairie

Sometimes I'm sitting on the edge of my bed
In one of these motel rooms
And I close my eyes
And I pretend I'm a cowboy
Sitting in front of a fire
Eating out of a can
Planning to spend the night
Under the stars

And that's a romantic image
But it scared the shit out of me
The same as if I'd been drifting in space
Un-tethered, you know?

It's so lonely out here

And the sunsets were only making it worse
So I did away with it

Sometimes I turn on all the lights in the room
And I close the blinds
Occasionally I have to duct tape a blanket or a sheet
Over the windows
To really block out any natural light
And I sit on my bed
In my underwear
And I pretend I'm somewhere
Other than where I am

I pretend I'm in a box
In the middle of a busy, busy city
And that all around me
People are moving and traveling
And they don't really know that I'm here
But they don't need to
Because I know they're right outside
And that makes me feel less alone

It's crazy

I know, I know it's crazy, but--

It makes me feel better

It's what it takes
To make me forget
That right outside that window
Is just nothing

Just a place where a man
Can get lost
And never found

Just by thinking too hard
About where he is

Haircuts in Cemeteries

...All this got taken out by Sandy
From here all the way to--Jesus, God
Six or seven blocks down?
All that way

No joke, I'm telling ya

You know people die when stuff like that happens
Hurricanes, it's true

You get enough notice you think--
Well, at least nobody's going to die

But then they do
People still do
They die
It happens

And you wonder to yourself
How?

I mean, did they not believe it?
Did they think the guys on the news were kidding
When they said it was coming?

It's a mystery to me
It really is

I know people are stubborn
But about that?
About dying?

I mean, if you got a phone call
And there was a guy on the other end
An authoritative guy, you know
Somebody you could tell
Just by listening to him
That, you know, that he knows what he's talking about
And this guy on the phone says to you--

A guy's comin' over to your house tomorrow at 3pm
His name's Sandy
And he's going to blow your brains out
Just thought you should know

Well, I mean, aren't you going to say to yourself
Stubborn or not--
'Hey, you know what?
Maybe I should go see a movie tomorrow at 3.
Can't hurt, right?'

But you tell people a hurricane's coming
And they think
What the hell?
I'll roll the dice

Hey, could you cut a little more off the--
Yeah, that's fine
Thanks

At least it's not New Orleans
I heard when they had their storm
Bodies were floating around
People who'd been dead for years
Because they got those mausoleums
Those above-ground cemeteries
So people were just...floating by

Thank God we don't do that here, huh?

Imagine if you looked out the window
And saw your mother going by
And she's been dead for ten years?

No thanks

My wife stayed put
When they told her
About the storm

That I could understand
She was scared
My son's in Phoenix now
She didn't know where to go

What was she going to do?
Get on a plane?
You don't know my wife

She's not stubborn
She just...
She got nervous

If I had been there...

You feel guilty sometimes, you know?
You feel--

Yeah, that's fine
That looks good
Thanks
I appreciate it

Yeah, if I had been there...

I don't know

Maybe we could have gotten on a plane
Maybe I could have talked her into it
But then again, when I was alive
I didn't like flying all that much either

So you know, it's hard to say
It's hard to say what you would do
Back when you had to think about
Keeping yourself alive

Knowing now what I know about death
How easy death is, I...

Well, she's okay

Somebody got her out

But it was a close call

She doesn't know it, my wife
But from the outside looking in
I could tell

I could tell
How close it was

Bad People Who Make Movies

Okay, I want you to think about your favorite movie, okay?
I mean, your absolute favorite movie
Think about it

Okay--ready?
Here we go

I'm about to ruin your favorite movie for you

Sorry, but, hey, you wanted my opinion
So this is the package it comes in

Still thinking about that movie?
Great
Here goes--

Somebody
Who worked on that movie
Was an asshole

And I don't mean like an annoying asshole
Because most of the people who worked on that movie
Were probably annoying assholes
No, I'm talking like a CRIMINAL asshole

Somebody who worked on that movie
Maybe even one of the stars
Or the director
Or the guy who wrote the movie--
Probably raped a woman at one point in their life

Or--looked at child porn
Or killed someone
Yes, honestly, killed someone
Maybe they killed more than one person
Who knows?

Who the hell knows?

What I can tell you
Is that I've been in the movie business
For a long, long time
And this industry
Is filled with assholes
Real, horrible assholes

And for somebody to come back at me
And say--Well, why did you work with this person?
Why did you work with that person?

Didn't you know they did this?
Didn't you know they did that?

It's like--

Everybody does something

We're all artists
That means we're terrible human beings
Probably sociopathic
Definitely starved for attention
And we know
That our only hope
For surviving in this world
Without being lit on fire by a mob
Carrying torches
Is to write a beloved song
Or act in somebody's favorite movie
Or write a book that will change somebody's life

That's what sociopaths do
They adapt and evolve
So they can exist in the world
Without being hunted down and murdered
For being so dangerous

Some people think it's that if you're a genius, you're crazy
When the truth is, you're crazy first
So you develop brilliance
So you have a weapon
So you have something to defend yourself with

The world decided that if you're a movie star
You're allowed to be an awful person
The movie stars didn't

I didn't

And none of this is an excuse
But Jesus, you're asking me what I would have done
If I knew it was happening?

You want the honest answer to that?

Nothing

I would have done--nothing

Because I had a job
Because I wanted to work
Hey, let me ask you something
You find out your co-worker is abusing his kid
Do you quit your job?
No
Do you call the police on your co-worker?
Yeah, maybe you do
But what if it's your boss?
And what if your boss finds out it's you
And you'll lose your job?
What do you do then, huh?
You still going to say something?

Do not--okay--do not
Assume
You are a hero
Until you've actually been put in a position
Where a hero was needed
And you stepped up and did whatever it was
That needed doing

Until then, don't assume you're Superman
Because most of us aren't
That's why Superman is so fucking special

Do you think movie stars are nice people?
Do you think icons and legends
Somehow managed to attain everything they attained
Because they were just so sweet
People couldn't help but give them things?

Most of us--and yes, I'm saying 'us'
Most of us--are really not very nice at all

The man got me an Oscar
An Oscar
For some people the happiest day of their lives
Is the day their child was born
The happiest day of my life
Was the day I won my Oscar
And you want me to condemn the man
Who made that day possible?

Yes, I feel bad
I feel very badly
About whatever might
Or might not have happened

But this is my work
This is the life I wanted
In the field I wanted to work in
And when I showed up on the first day
I found out that most of the people I'd be working with
Were going to be bad people

So...

What was I supposed to do?

Turn around and...

Do something else?

Or just...shut my eyes, and do my job?

The truth is...

I've done things too

Nothing near as bad as what...

--But things

And who knows, maybe one day you'll hear about them
Or maybe you won't
But if I was in Woody's shoes
And somebody started talking about me
I'd cream them
And you know why?
Because everybody knows everybody else's dirty little secrets

So trust me when I say
Nobody's condemning anybody
Not unless they feel good about
Having their own shit
Put on the front pages

Mutual
Assured
Destruction

It's what keeps the world turning

So yes, we're bad people
And we make movies
And maybe we make good movies
Because of who we are
And if that's the case
Maybe you should thank God for bad people
Because maybe--actually, chances are--good people
Wouldn't make 'em nearly as good
As we do

Now We're Talking

I don't like guys who look like you
I should tell you that now
Before you start hitting on me

You're cute, don't get me wrong
I can appreciate that you're cute
It's just not going to get you anywhere with me

Besides, I'm not picking someone up on the train
I am so not doing that
That is--I mean, who does that?

I mean, I know people do it
But not me, I don't
It's--I'm not that kind of person

Also, I've never been approached
I mean, obviously you were about to approach me
But other than you, nobody has

So I've never really had to deal with this sort of thing before
But in my head, I always thought if something like this did happen
I would tell the person how flattered I was--am--and I'd just go on reading my book

Except I don't have a book on me right now
I don't actually ever carry a book around with me
Not that I don't read, but I usually read big books that you can't just cart around with you

Not that I'm a book snob or anything
I just happen to like larger things--books
I like them bigger--big--I like--you know what I mean

Or maybe you don't
I don't know
You haven't said a word yet, maybe you're mute

Not that I'm making fun of people with disabilities or anything
If being mute is even a disability
I don't know anyone who's actually JUST mute

Although I don't know any blind people either
But I would totally be friends with a blind person
Or a mute person--either or--or both!

The point is, in my head, I rejected anything like this
This sort of 'random encounter'
I just think its slutty

Not that I'm judgmental or anything
I mean, live and let live, you know
I vote for Democrats mostly

I just don't think this is personally right for me
The idea that you and I would just go back to my house--
--Well, my apartment, I have an apartment--and, you know--

I mean, I guess we could go back to your place
But that would be pretty dumb
Even dumber than just randomly hooking up with you

Although of course we would use protection
And I'm up to date on, you know, shots and stuff
But still, you can never be totally sure you're not harboring some kind of disease

I mean, I may have some sort of air-virus
That can be transmitted through staring at someone
Or something like that

I watched 60 Minutes and there was this woman in Bolivia
Who made love to a man
And two hours later he threw up his own kidneys

You should Youtube that
It was a really good segment
The photos were startling

Anyway, we could go back to your place
But you could also be a serial killer
Even though I don't think you are because you look sort of...

Okay, there's really no good way to say this
You look sort of like someone who isn't really interesting enough
To be a serial killer

Not that there weren't boring serial killers
I mean, I'm sure there were
I don't know much about serial killers

Actually, that's a lie
I know a lot about serial killers
I just didn't want to say that because then you'd think I'm weird

So if we went back to your place
I'd feel pretty okay about it, I guess
I mean, I'm assuming you have a place

Unless you live with your parents
Which would definitely be a deal-breaker
I mean, not that I'm looking down on you, but I live with my sister

And she always makes a comment when I bring people home
Not like hook-ups or anything, because, like I said, I don't really do that
But just anyone--anybody walks through the door--and she's got a comment

I've talked to her about it
But she is who she is
You can't expect her to change now

So we can't really go to my place
And if we can't go to your place
Then that would be a problem--I mean, logistically speaking

This car's empty, so maybe we could do it here?
You know, like in Risky Business?
Have you seen Risky Business?

Maybe you could come over sometime and watch it
While my sister's working at Chili's
I have it on DVD and VHS--I'm a little obsessed with it

Not that I want to open a brothel or anything
Sorry--the movie, it's about Tom Cruise running a brothel
I know!  Nobody knows that's what Risky Business is about, but that's what it's about

So, I mean, anyway
We could do it right here if you want
It would be kind of exciting and dangerous and--

Girlfriend?

You have a girlfriend?

Wow

Okay

Jesus

Well--

Why didn't you say something?

On Your Way to Columbus

Allen, this is your mother
I know you're on your way to Columbus
But I really want you to think about
Turning around and coming home

I know you're feeling very passionate right now
And that's wonderful
But ultimately passion is just stupidity
Dressed up by Hollywood
To look glamorous

That's something you'll learn when you're older

Forgive me for butting in on your life
But I'm retired now
So it's either meddling in the affairs of my children
Or gardening
And you know my feelings about dirtying yourself intentionally
So here I am
Leaving you a message

By the way, thank you for not picking up the phone
While you're driving
That shows a great deal of maturity

What does NOT show a great deal of maturity
Is the fact that you're driving to Ohio right now
So you can break up the wedding
Of your ex-girlfriend

Allen, I know you loved Kristy
So did I
So did your father
We all loved Kristy
But Kristy moved away
And you two decided--very appropriately, I think
--That long distance wasn't a good idea
And she met someone else
And now they're getting married
And that's life

That's life, Allen
That's what all the people say
And that's what Frank Sinatra says
And he was a very wise man
Aside from all those times
He cheated on his wife

Now listen to me, Allen
You're in a very vulnerable state right now
You're almost thirty
You're not happy with your job
And I know you and Felicia haven't been getting along
But the solution is not to attempt time travel
And rekindle a flame that was blown out
Four years ago

I'm not sugar-coating this
Because I'm your mother
And your mother is the only person in your life
Who will tell you the truth all the time

Nobody else will do that for you
Not your friends, not your grandparents
And certainly not your father

So Allen, here it is, here's the truth--
You're acting like an asshole

You're going to get to Columbus
And you're either going to realize
What an idiot you're being
After having taken all this time off work
And driving all that way
Or you'll actually go through with trying to stop the wedding
And make a total fool out of yourself
Like that time you got your ear pierced
And for six months, everybody thought you were gay

On your way to Columbus
I want you to listen to this voicemail
Over and over again
Until you understand the sense in it
And call off this plan of yours

Sweetheart, the solution to life
Cannot be found
In the past

You have to push forward
You have to seek progress
You have to know that there isn't a backspace key
That can undo the errors you've made

Look, if you're going to drive, then drive
But don't stop at Columbus

Drive to Minneapolis
Drive to Las Vegas
Hell, drive to Hawaii, I don't care
Just don't stop somewhere
You've already been before

All right?

I love you very much

And if you do get arrested
Please--

Call your father

Tori Spelling Wants to Hang Out...Again

Dan, Tori wants to hang out tonight

Ugh, I'm not calling her back

I know, I know--she's Tori Spelling
But seriously
We JUST hung out with her on Friday

I'm just--ugh--I'm Tori'd out, you know?

I mean, it would be one thing if it was still 1992
And she was still, you know, Tori Spelling?

But now she's just kinda...Tori

I mean, she's still famous
She's more famous than anyone else we know
And I know she's nice
And she does a lot for gay people
And whatever, but seriously
I am worn out from her

All she wants to do is go looking for photographers
So she can walk her dog in front of them
And then be like--

Oh my God, leave me alone
I'm a human being!

I'm just so tired of it

And another thing--
Why does she insist on making us wear
Those 'Donna Martin Graduates' t-shirts
Every time we go out with her?
Remember what happened
When that guy walked up to us
Because he thought she was Jennie Garth?

Did we ever hear the end of that?

And she shows us herself on Oprah's Where Are They Now
One more time, I'm going to scream--

YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET TO MEET OPRAH
OPRAH JUST NARRATES THAT STUPID SHOW
STOP SAYING 'OH THAT OPRAH' LIKE YOU KNOW HER
BECAUSE YOU DON'T!

.......I love her, I do
And I think it's really cool
That we're able to be friends
With a relic from the 90's
But do you ever, sort of, in your heart
Wish that we were friends with, like, Tiffany?
Or Jason Priestley?
Or even...Shannon?


I know, if Tori heard me say that
She'd stab me and then herself
But still--

Hang on, that's the phone again

If she's leaving one of those voicemails where she cries
And talks about how not enough people saw 'Trick' I'm going--

Oh God

No, no, it's worse

It's Jaleel...again

You up for Urkel tonight?

I'll tell him we made plans with Tori

The devil you know..

It's Not Because It Feels Good

The assumption is, I guess
That it feels good

That it keeps happening
Because I want it to happen

And maybe I do, who knows
But it doesn't feel good

It has nothing to do
With feeling good

Bringing something onto yourself
Believing you deserve it--

It has nothing to do with pleasure
It has nothing to do with liking it

I...it fulfills something, yes
And in that way lies satisfaction

But unless you've experienced this
You can't understand how things like satisfaction

Aren't positive, aren't--what they should be
And how even essentially good things are coupled with...

Like relief--it marries guilt
Joy is chained to anxiety

And so you start to think about the end of things
How that's the only way you'll ever really escape from it all

By just...
Taking it all to a conclusion

And people look at you
And they think it's simple

They think you're just enjoying yourself
That you're having a great time

Because you're smiling
They talk about how much you're smiling

How happy you seem
And what they don't get is--

That's the biggest warning sign of all
The happiness

Because that means what you've been waiting for
What you've been looking forward to--

--The end--

--Is coming

That's why so many people just wash their hands
They just say 'They're done'

'I'm done'
And you don't blame them

Because who wouldn't be?
Because it's a maze, it's confusing

It's something you can never
Get to the bottom of

They talk about hitting rock bottom
But what they don't realize is

You can hit it so hard
You go right through it and keep going

And no matter what it looks like
That's not what it is

It's just what I give to you
So you don't give up on me

But it doesn't feel good
Sometimes it feels like everything

Every emotion, every up and down
Every take-off and crash, but--

Never good

Never
Any
Good

Riding in Cars with Spies

The thing you have to know, Scotty
Is that I would never, intentionally
Assassinate anybody

Sometimes, when you're on a mission
Things happen
Things come up
That you didn't foresee
When you--

JESUS, THAT CROSSING GUARD
IS OUT OF HER MIND

I'm sorry, I have to pull up
I have to
Scotty--I'm sorry
I know you're embarrassed
But I'm not dropping you off two blocks away
Just so the CROSSING GUARD
Can keep the entire street in front of your school
Holy and pure for the sacred school buses

I'M DROPPING OFF MY SON
THIS IS HIS SCHOOL
STOP GIVING ME THAT LOOK
YOU PIECE OF--

Sorry, sorry
God, I want to kill her
Not that I would
Not unless I was given the directive too

Otherwise there's this stack of paperwork you have to fill out
And then you have to go in front of the--

Anyway, point being
What you saw on the news today
Involved me, yes
It involved me
But it's not like I personally
Took out the Grand High Chancellor
It's a lot more complicated than that, Scotty, it--

Stacey, stop hitting your brother
Your brother and I are having a very, very serious conversation
That I will also be having with you one day
When you're old enough to understand political intrigue
And the moral ambiguities
Of murder for the greater good

So please, stop putting your finger up his nose
This is international espionage, okay, Stacey?
And your finger up your brother's nose
Is really undermining the--

WELL HERE COME THE DAMN SCHOOL BUSES!
OF COURSE
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF COURSE

Kids, Mommy's tired, okay?
Mommy's really tired
Because she had to catch a red eye
From Bulgaria
And she still has blood on her shoes
Her new shoes
That she bought in Paris
And that she would normally never wear to an assassination
If she knew ahead of time
That there was going to be assassination
But she didn't, so--

Scotty, stop writing all this down
I know you're doing that journaling project
But this cannot go in your journal
It's not that I want you to lie
I just want you to omit

Talk about how Mommy's tired today
Because she was traveling for work
Because I was
Just leave out the part about the homicide

Talk about how I made you breakfast this morning
Talk about the Pop Tarts
And the fruit roll-up
That'll be nice
It'll humanize Mommy

YES, I'M PULLING UP BEHIND THE BUS
BUT I WILL LEAVE PLENTY OF ROOM
BETWEEN MYSELF AND THE--

I'm rolling down the window
Scotty, I warned her
I warned her if she kept antagonizing me
We were going to have it out
And now--

I'M ROLLING DOWN MY WINDOW

Stacey, put down Mommy's bayonet
I forgot to put that away
But what are the rules about weapons?

Don't touch
Unless you see a foreign operative
In the backyard
Like last Fourth of July
When Mommy had the fatwa
Put on her head

Okay Scotty, have a good day
Mommy loves you
Don't forget your lunch
And remember--

You don't watch the news
Nobody in your family watches the news
We don't believe in the news

Love you!

YES, HE'S GETTING OUT!
I KILLED A MAN LAST NIGHT
AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE NEXT YOU--

Okay, driving away now

Driving away

Love at Church Camp

Dear Joelle,

During evening prayer
He looks at me
And I try not to smile too quickly
Because I don't want to seem too eager

He's a year older than me
And he reminds me of Patrick
The boy who used to come to services
Before he and his family went on a mission
And never came back

This boy's name is John
And everyone at camp is in love with him
Even the counselors

This morning, we were in the same circle
And everyone was talking about
Their relationship to God
And he said his was like a spiderweb

At first I thought he meant that he felt trapped by it
His faith
And I started to say something to support him
Because sometimes I feel that way
But then he kept talking
And I guess what he meant was that his faith feels strong to him
Because he's as small as a spider
In comparison to the Lord
But that he feels like from the Lord's perspective
His faith is so fragile
Their bond could break so easily
If John isn't careful to maintain it

Everyone clapped after John spoke

I'm not doing it much justice
But the way he described it...

It really was beautiful

But it also made me sad

I've been trying to find someone here at camp
That I can identify with
And I thought maybe John would be that person

Another soul struggling with itself

But then he spoke and I knew
That his struggle isn't like mine
It's about him trying to please God
I'm worried about trying to please myself

I know that sounds selfish
But I just can't believe
That faith is something
That should torment me
The way it's seemed to
Since I was little

At night, I lay awake
And I'm smothered by the lack of sound
That runs the night

Sometimes I think I can hear water
Lapping at the lake
But I know it's impossible

The lake isn't anywhere near my cabin
And the sound of water
Is too loud to be anywhere
But inside my own head

The other campers sleep so soundly
And I lay with my eyes open
And my hands folded on my stomach
Pretending I can make myself disappear
Or transport--to somewhere else

A beach or a big city
Or anywhere that isn't here

It's not that I hate it here
It's just that I feel I don't belong
Everyone smiles all the time, Joelle
And when you feel the way I feel
Those smiles seem like condemnation
Like I'm a freak

A freak who uses big words
And got looked at sideways
Just for saying that I was looking forward
To AP English next year

People here don't love school the way I do
They think it's a distraction
From what they'd really like to be doing

Some of them are home-schooled
A lot of them actually
I think John might be too

School isn't a refuge for them
Like it is for me
And if I confessed that
They'd tell me my own refuge
Should be Christ
So I say nothing
And just keep my head down
Waiting for August to conclude itself

I have a fantasy I'd like to tell you about
But then I have to go
Because we have a dance tonight
And my cabin is walking to it as a group
Arms linked, I'm not kidding
That's how we go everywhere
They even bring me along that way
Though I know they'd rather not

But--my fantasy--it's not that racy
It's just completely illogical

I'm awake, it's nighttime
And there's a knock on the cabin window

I get down from my bunk
And I see John there
In the window
And, instantly, I panic
That he'll wake up one of the other girls

Just him being there would be grounds for expulsion from camp
And if my father knew a boy was coming to meet me in the middle of the night
Well--I might as well run off into the woods
And take my chances

I think all this--in the fantasy
Because even my fantasies can't be free of worry
But then I open the window
And John says, 'Come with me'
So I go

We run towards the lake
And the sound of water is back
But it's getting louder and louder

We strip off our clothes as we run
Shirts get tossed on branches
Socks thrown into trees

John hits the water first
But I stop right before the edge
Worried about going in with him
Worried because the sound of water hitting the shore
Is so, so loud

But he holds his hands to me
And says--It's okay.

So I walk in

And as soon as the water touches my feet
Everything goes still
Quiet
Not a sound

I hold his hands
And he leads me to the middle of the lake
And we're floating
Our legs kicking under us

Then, when we're floating right above
The center
And it feels like we're at the exact place
We're supposed to be
Both in time and in place
He says--'Let's go'

And I say 'Okay'
Because I know what he means

And we go under
And we do it

We disappear

And for what feels like hours
All I see in the dream
Is the lake

John and I are gone
And even I don't know where

I'm lost and I don't mind
Being lost

Isn't that amazing, Joelle?

I wish I could have that dream
Every night
For the rest of my life

Wouldn't that wonderful?

That would be
Heaven

Sex with Mr. Darcy

Okay, before we start
I'm going to need you to read this
Cover-to-cover

Oh!--and watch these DVD's
It might take you awhile

Focus more on the PBS version
Than the later version with, uh, Keira Knightley
Not that the Mr. Darcy in that one isn't handsome
He's very handsome
But, I mean, against Colin Firth it's like--

Yeah, good luck, buddy

Once you have a sense of the story
And the character
And you've memorized everything he says
And you've got the accent down
Then call me
And you can come over
And try on the costume

What?

No, we're starting today
Oh my goodness, absolutely not!
There's a lot of prep work that goes into this
It's not just a matter of 'pretending'
You can't just 'pretend' to be Mr. Darcy
Some men could spend years studying
And not even come close
To his essence

Oh, don't worry
I'll pay you for today
For gas money
Or whatever it cost you
To come over here

And I'll deduct the cost of the books
And whatever a suitable rental fee would be
For the DVD's
Of course if anything were to happen to them
You'd have to pay for replacements
Although I'd ask that you be very careful
As those are really treasures of mine
And I feel sort of uncomfortable loaning them out
To a sex worker
But I suppose--

Look, you're the one who answered the Craig's List ad
When you saw that I was looking for sex with Mr. Darcy
You must have realized
That some homework was going to be involved

What, did you think you were just going to slap on a silly wig
Throw me in your carriage
And have your way with me?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE A CARRIAGE?

God, it's like you showed up to play Heathcliff
Without knowing anything about brooding
Or Moors, or death from childbirth

This isn't going to be some one-off fling
It could be months
Before I even allow you
To hold my hand
Or help me over a puddle

You know, if you wanted some fast money
Maybe you should have responded
To one of those Rhett Butler ads
It's not like it takes any forethought
To summon that lothario

Just a mustache
And a sense of entitlement

Fine, if this is too complicated for you
Then just leave
I didn't realize having sex with a gigolo
Impersonating the ideal man
Was going to be so frustrating

I'd faint, but my fainting couch
Hasn't come in from Amazon yet

Never mind
Just go--GO!

. . . . .

Now what am I supposed to do
With all this tea?