Captain Hook's Blind Date

Well, as you can see
It's a hook

No, no, it wasn't an accident--

Well, I mean, it was
I didn't cut my own hand off
I'm not a lunatic
Hahahahaha
It's really no big deal

It got cut off by an orphan I was hunting
And fed to a crocodile

It happens, what are you gonna do?

Huh?

Hunting?  I said 'hunting?'
Sorry, I'm not sure I meant 'hunting'
'Pursuing' sounds better
'Hunting' implies I was chasing him with a gun
Or hiding behind bushes with camouflage sunglasses on
Like some kind of weirdo
Trying to take him out quietly

No, I was tracking him from my pirate ship
And once I found him
I tried to impale him on my sword
When he--

How old is he?

Uh...it's hard to say

I think he's nine?
But he's been nine for a really long time
So, like, a very mature nine

I wish he'd get older, believe me
It's hard to impale a nine-year-old on your sword
You know?

They're so small
And they keep zig-zagging
When you're trying to--

Well, it's not JUST me versus him
He has a band of other nine-year-olds
And I have my pirates
And he has some mermaids
And I have Smee, who you'll meet at some point
He's a hoot, he really is
And, uh, he has this fairy
And some natives
And I, as I said, have my pirate ship
And one of my hands is a hook
So I mean, it's pretty much a fair fight

Murderer?

Of course I'm not a murderer

I've never murdered anybody

Well, yeah, I've tried
But it doesn't count
If you've never actually succeeded at it

At best, I'm an attempted murderer
Now, kidnapper--that I am
For sure
I've kidnapped all those orphans at least twenty times
But I can never get him--the main one
And he always rescues them
Before I can make them walk the plank

They're tied up, see, when they walk the plank?
So if they ever fell in the ocean
Presumably, they would drown
So I guess if that ever happened
Like, if he ever didn't save them in time
And they drowned
Then, I guess, technically, you could call me a murderer
But even then it seems way too complicated
Because, I mean, am I physically holding them underwater
While their little bodies run out of air?

Nooooo
That's the ocean doing that
That's not me
I just facilitate the whole thing

But as I said, it rarely happens
Because he always gets there in time
But hopefully, you know, one day
He won't
And then I can drown all those orphans
And then impale him
And throw him to the crocodile

So those are my goals, basically

What about you
What do you do for a living?

The IRS?

Eesh, god--I don't--I mean, I didn't--

You know, I'm going to be honest with you

I'm not sure this is going to work