The Pancake Story

-- When I was a kid, I realized early on that I wasn't all that attractive. I also remember realizing that I would need to cultivate something else in life that would draw people to me, since good looks wasn't going to do it. So I learned to be funny. I'm mildly amusing now, but I can promise you that I was at my funniest when I was about eight. As time went on, I learned not to care so much about how I looked, and as a result, I'm not as concerned about being funny, but it still lingers in my mind. I think most of us have developed our personalities based on why we think we'd get invited to a party. One of us is the comedian, one of us is the eye candy, one of us brings the booze, etc. I wanted to write something about a person working hard at being liked--actually WORKING at it. Here's what I came up with. --

"He's Hard at Work"

He's gotta tell the pancake story
Maybe if he tells the pancake story
She'll start to laugh

He knew this was going to be uphill
From the second he sat down

She wasn't going to give up a smile
He was going to have to earn it

Normally he waits on the pancake story
Because once it's out, it's out
And your ace is exposed

From there on in, all you can do is ride it out
And hope it's enough to let you coast

He needs another pancake story
His friend Jim has about nineteen stories like that

No wonder the guy has a new girl every week
By the time he's on his third story
They're ready to marry him

But all he's got is the pancake story

All his questions are getting one-word answers

'Good'
'Fine'
'Yeah'
'Yup'
'Uh...'

He starts to sweat

He thinks he sees her look down at her watch
But he could be imagining it

Ten minutes into the date
And she's looking at her watch

And she already had her coffee when he walked in
She could cut this date short at any time

Say she has somewhere to be

He has to at least get to a dinner
To a second date
A longer engagement

He does better in the long-form

These little mini-dates are awful

Who came up with them?

Oh sure, it's great if you're the hot one

If you're the hot one
Then you get the chance to size someone up in a half hour
And avoid a miserable two-hour date
With somebody you're not attracted to

But if you're someone like him
And you count on that two-hour date
To try and win over someone
You're screwed

Because now you have to pass the entrance exam
And the entrance exam is a killer

He tries the story about his Mom
It's good
It's not the pancake story
But it's good

It gets nothing

NOTHING

Dead on arrival

He feels like a stand-up comic
With an audience of one
And he's bombing
He's bombing

Then there's the sweat
And the slight stutter
And his breath seems to instantly go bad
So he's trying to keep it
From reaching her

He avoids using words with plosives in them

His hands go clammy
A bit of his hair starts to stick up in the back
He looks down at his shoes
And realizes they're scuffed

And inside his mind he's telling himself--

Fix this
Fix this
Turn this around

He tells the prom joke
He gets a giggle

Okay, that's something
That's not nothing
That's a giggle

That can be built upon

She talks a little about her prom

Oh my God, she's telling a story
He's got a story out of her

He can use the time to think of something to say when she's done

He'd love to listen
But when you're working
You can't sit back and enjoy the experience
You gotta stay one step ahead of the game
Or she finishes the story
And you're just sitting there nodding like an idiot
Going 'Mmmm...yeah, you're right.'

She finishes her prom story
And he comes right back with a story about the night at the club
With Jim and some of his friends

It's a risky story, because you have to be a little edgy to like it
There's swearing and drinking and bad boy behavior

But if a girl likes that story, she LOVES it
It's all or nothing
And it's all he's got aside from the pancake story
And she hates this one
He's going to have to tell the pancake story anyway
So he might as well--

She likes it!

YES!

She laughs, she's relaxing
She crosses her legs and leans back in her chair
She looks behind her, but that's okay
She's checking the line to see if she could get another coffee
And not leave him for too long

This--is--GOOD

Should he try to banter a little more?
Maybe even save the pancake story for the second date?
Maybe the third?
Maybe he might never need the pancake story again?
Maybe this one will like him without it?

Wouldn't that be...Wow.

But then the banter goes dry
She looks down, a definite time check
She gets up and throws her empty coffee cup out
And pauses for a second before she sits down again
As if to give him an opportunity to stand as well
And says good-bye

Okay, pancake time

"Hey, what you said before got me thinking--"

What she said had nothing to do with pancakes
But once she hears the story, it won't matter

'--I made pancakes this one time..."

. . . . .

They make a second date for that Tuesday
And she seems mildly excited about it

He's a good guy

He's not hot
He's not charming
He's not rich
He's not a 'bad boy' like Jim is
Despite the Jim story
And his involvement in it

He's just a good guy

And that along with the pancake story
Will get him a second date

He knows that she'll give him at least that
Because otherwise she has to admit to herself
That she's letting go of a good guy
Just because he isn't any of the things
She's not supposed to want

So he gets a two-hour try-out
And a few days to prep for it

They'll go to a nice restaurant
He'll pay, he'll hold the door
He'll compliment her
And keep on being the good guy
She ultimately won't want

And he wishes he could do something else
Figure out a new game plan
Maybe act like an asshole
And see if that gets anywhere

(It would, actually--sad to say, and he doesn't know it (good thing)--but it would)

But he'll end up staying who he is
And working
Working hard

Hoping that someday
He'll be able to put away his ace
And listen to somebody else
Tell him their story

I'm Going to Kiss That Boy

I've got news for you

I'm going to kiss that boy

And when I do

Oceans will explode over oceanfront towns
Mushrooms will drown in brown sorts of sauces
And bosses will fire employees in mass

The last thing I'll do
Before I screw up one more time
Will be to find that boy
And kiss him

And every prediction made
By hating people protected by Gothic steeples
Will come true and prove
That kissing a boy you were meant to kiss
Is giving into bliss that will inevitably shatter
The better part of eternity

The country will fall
And all of us will find ourselves
Outside a run-down diner
Trying to mine our memories
Before the regrets slip down upon us
Like leaves from trees
Believing we could release ourselves
From time's natural progression
Succession into adulthood a questionable feat

But believe me, I can believe in this
I'm going to kiss that boy

I'm going to find him a star covered sky
And a tree by a lake
And a soft spot to fall
To land ourselves on
We'll be gone before too long
And nobody knows how long too long is
So before I find out
I'm kissing him

And when I'm done, we'll see
What's left
For me
To believe

My Straight Roommate

I have a straight roommate.

"Your friend Mike called. He's sooo nice! We started talking and now we're hanging out tomorrow. I think we're going to get lunch. I would invite you, but we really got into some personal stuff on the phone, and I just don't want to betray his trust, you know? I guess he has this...friend...that he's...not really liking much right now...So yeah, we're going to talk about that. But I'll bring you home some chicken! Mwuah!"

It's great to have someone to make the place feel lived in.

"I'm sick. Don't touch the coffee table. The remote control. Any of the doorknobs. The windows. The refrigerator. Anything in the refrigerator. The blue ladle. The shower head. The toothbrushes. The soap. The carpet. Any of the chairs. Oh, and I wouldn't eat from that spoon if I were you. Mwuah."

Plus life has become full of surprises.

"Oh my gosh! I completely forgot that you had company over. Hi! I'm the roommate. Wow, you're cute! You're almost as cute as the guy who was here last week, but you look like you have more of a personality. What are you guys watching? Ahhh! I love this show! I'll make popcorn. By the way, I wouldn't snuggle with that pillow. I was sick last week and this entire place still has a fine layer of muscus on it. Mwuah!"

More than anything, she's become a support system I know I can count on.

"I didn't say you were a slut. I said you've done lots of slutty things with slutty people and made mistakes of a slutty nature while living in a world of sluttiness. But you're not really a slut...much. Mwuah."

She's always up for some fun.

"A movie? It's seven o'clock at night. We won't get back until nine thirty. And there's a CSI rerun on. Maybe next weekend. Mwuah."

And she's taught me a lot about communicating.

"I'm still mad at you for that thing you did two weeks ago when I told you not to say anything and you hinted at it but didn't really say anything and thought I wouldn't notice but I did and the more I thought about it the more I realized I'm still angry and until I'm not, I'm going to be a little chilly to you. Nevertheless, mwuah."

Most of all, she just gets me.

"I bought you this book for your birthday. Hahaha you should have seen your face. Your real present's in the car. The receipt's attached."

What would I do without her?

Every Other Sunday

Every other Sunday

I wake up to you in the living room

Watching tv with the sound down low

And looking scared



Wondering when I'm coming down

To announce my Sunday plans

To let you know that you can stay

That I mind, that it's okay

Knowing full well you won't



You throw sneakers on

And kiss my cheek

And say you'll call tomorrow



Catch that movie that we wanna see?



Yeah, that sounds great



And then I watch your call pull away

And let out relief



I keep wondering how it is

You woke up here again



Did I want you to

Or did I just not feel like

Spending Saturday night

Once again explaining

About us and our and we and you and me



All the pronouns disappear

If I just let you remain here



And the friendship that we have

Becomes a little hard to see



All my girlfriends ask me

Why I'm keeping you around

We go weeks without a word

Then you find your way inside my lips



This isn't leading anywhere

This isn't casual enough

There's stuff between from years before

We left sitting like a spill on the floor



I go to work and see the guy I'd like to date

Last week he was out but you were next to me



It must suck to be the Almost Guy

And never wonder why you can't complete



And I felt bad

And I was mad at your proximity



To my life

To my feelings

To my history

Just to me



Tell me you don't love me

Let me know this isn't as bad

As I know I've let it be



I can't rewind the calendar

I wish I'd saved the dates

Instead of throwing them away

And saying 'Well, I'll start today'



I start and end and start all over again

Every other Sunday



Next Saturday you'll be at my front door

With pizza and a movie

Or maybe we'll go out

And confuse the people around us

Who hear us bitch about each other

In between the weekends



Or maybe I'll just let the doorbell

Ring and ring and ring...



Maybe you'll stand out there

And in the light of my porch

Give up on me



Maybe I'll look out my window

See you drive away

And know that finally you're complete



I keep praying that one day

You'll leave me



That I'll wake up and hear something other

Than a quiet tv



Every other Sunday

My Gay Roommate

I have a gay roommate

"You threw something away in the antique trash basket yesterday. Only throw things away in the regular trash basket. The regular trash basket is eggshell blue with a small dark red line about a centimeter down from the rim. The antique trash basket does NOT have the dark red line. You can differentiate between colors, right? Thanks."

For the most part, we get along fine.

"Jen's coming over at two on Saturday to make an almond torte with me, because I haven't done it in forever. She's leaving at three thirty, at which point, we need to put new lampshades on every lamp except the one in my bedroom, because that one gets put away until next spring. We need to have that done by four fifteen, at which point, Trevor and William are coming over for our weekly viewing of 'Mean Girls,' which should be done by seven, provided Trevor doesn't yammer on and on that stupid job he has at the kids hospital, and then at seven I'm going to go work out for about an hour, and while I'm doing that, I need you to scrub the kitchen floor--I'd use this little mini-mop I made out of dental floss and a toothpick, it picks up more dirt--I'll be home at around eight, and then we have the party at eight thirty, and if anyone shows up early, tell them I hate them and they're never invited to anything again. Easy, right? Thanks."

There have been a lot of upsides. I've been able to meet lots of new people.

"Okay, I'm just going to warn you. In about five minutes, a guy in a leather jacket, a guy with no pants, a guy with a mo-hawk, two guys with Brown sweatshirts, a mime, and a really traumatized girl are all going to come out of my bedroom. You are not allowed to speak, acknowledge, or even make eye contact with any of them, and we are never going to speak of this again. You remember those photos I have of you in Bermuda after your third roofied drink when you thought you could fly? Yup. Thanks."

More than anything, he just makes me feel really good about myself.

"Put down those pretzels, change your shoes, and give me that phone before you text some guy I don't approve of. Thanks."

He loves to try new things.

"Laser tag? Why don't we just go cow-tipping? It's pretty much the same thing, right? No thanks."

And he's really good at listening.

"...And that's why I HATE Moroccan food. Ugh. So which one of your relatives died today? It wasn't your cousin, was it? He's so hot. You should set me up with him. He doesn't like Moroccan food, does he? OH! That reminds me--"

Most of all, he makes me laugh.

"Thank you sooo much for the birthday sweater! P.S. You forgot to staple the receipt to the card. Can you go get it? I have about an hour until the store closes. Love me, right? Thanks."

Everything else, you learn to live with.

Cupid

I set Vixen up with Blitzen
Which I thought would be cute
Because their names rhyme

Hahaha...not so much

I guess Blitzen is a little on the needy side
And Vixen is a cold-blooded witch

So yeah, that didn't work out

Then I set Comet up with Dancer
And apparently Dancer is a boy

I felt really bad about it
But I mean, how can you tell reindeer apart?
We all look the same

And Dancer wears that little bell
Hanging down from his antlers
Which is a little...you know...

Not that I'm judging

Then I set up Dasher up with my friend Bambi
But that didn't work out
Because Bambi can't fly
AND he's a boy

But c'mon, Bambi? That's an honest mistake

It turns out Dasher didn't care anyway
But now him and Dancer are fighting over Bambi
And the whole thing is a disaster

It's hard to enjoy Christmas
When Valentine's Day is in two months

Vixen

Just so we're clear

I'm not flying on Christmas
Unless we straighten out
The Blitzen situation

He keeps staring at me in the stable
And it's REALLY uncomfortable

For one thing, he smells like a moose

I accept the fact that when you're a reindeer
All the guys that hit on you
Are going to smell like the forest
But smelling like a moose is a whole other issue

I tried talking to Santa about it
But he's all--Go talk to Rudolph, he's the leader

And I'm all--Great, because I really want to discuss this with Lite Brite

Who, by the way, keeps sending me messages on Facebook
Asking if I want to "get coffee"
Which is gross
Because that nose freaks me out
And I don't care how many cute kid songs they sing about it
It's still creepy

But not as creepy as Blitzen asking to fly next to me on Christmas night
Just so he can tell me how much poetry he's been writing about me
And how our antlers would look so cute all tangled up in each other

He's a freak

So look, I'm not flying
Until we get this taken care of

And as far as I'm concerned
All those little kids can wait to get their new bikes
Because until I get MY Christmas wish
Nobody else is getting theirs

The Choice to Be Gay

I'm going to tell you a secret.

Being gay--is a choice.

Yup, that's right. You heard it.

Somebody finally admitted it.

It's a choice.

I have made the choice to be gay.

I've made the choice to date the people I'm attracted to
Rather than close my eyes and pretend that one of my girlfriends
Is a hunky guy with extra-soft lips

I've made the choice to hold whichever hand I want to hold
Wherever it is I am
And not worry about whose eyes are noticing

I've made the choice to rid my life of silence
In the face of ignorance

I've made the choice to show my younger siblings
That they can bring all of themselves to the table
And whatever they bring will be valuable

I've made the choice to not be ashamed of the fact
That I'm a sexual being
And to say that sex is not a bad thing
It's just a thing that makes people uncomfortable

As far as shame goes, I've made the choice to wash it away
Along with the marks I put on myself
Before I chose to start taking care of myself

Luckily my marks were magic marker
And they came off fast
And yours probably can too

I made the choice to look at my friends
My real friends
And realize that they would take me
Way before they'd leave me
If I decided to be who I needed to be

I made the choice to tell my family when I was ready
And not let some gay vigilante make me feel bad
For doing what I needed to do
In my own time

I made the choice to be the gay man I wanted to be
Instead of the gay man somebody else wanted me to be
Just so they could fit me on a poster

I made the choice to make mistakes
And not berate myself for them
Five years later

I made the choice to be a stereotype sometimes
And an anomaly at other times

To be catty
To be considerate
To be a fuck-up
TO be a success

To be vulnerable
And masculine
And swish when I walk
And play touch football with my brothers on Thanksgiving
And let my voice rise when I'm angry
And listen to showtunes
And burp the Star Spangled Banner
And read Esquire
And kiss guys

I made all those choices
And I still have choices left to make

That's the key thing

I chose to be who I am
And I choose to accept the fact
That I am a man
Who is changing
And who can change
As a result
Of his choices

But when you decide to let other people
Make choices about who you're going to be for you
You've given up your right to choose
And at that point you're losing everything
But that's a choice too

Don't let determine who you are for you
Or how you should feel about who you are
Or what you should do to change yourself

I made the choice to be gay when I didn't feel like being gay
And to be brave when I didn't feel like being brave
And to be a part-time revolutionary and a part-time dork
And a writer, despite my father wishing I'd go into law
And an actor, despite my mother telling me I'd starve
And the me I needed to be for myself

I made that choice

I made the choice not to wake up at forty or fifty or sixty
And realize my life was a lie
That nobody buys, not even me

So yeah, I make the choice to be gay
But even if I didn't
I would be anyway

The point is to wake up everyday
To just wake up and realize
Each day presented to you
Is filled with the opportunity
To experience, to become, to learn, and to thrive

And if all you can do today is survive
Then just survive
For today

And let tomorrow bring you
Another chance
To choose

Play September

Do you want some advice?

I can give you some good advice

Play September

You know, Earth, Wind and Fire?

Bah-dee-yah, say do you remember, bah-dee-yah, dancing in September?

I love any song where the lyricists went
You know what? Who needs words?

Let's just bah-dee-yah and dance around

Works for me

When you find your Dad's old polyester pants
Up in the attic
Put them on

And play September

When you and your friends want to get in a line
And practice your runway walk

Play September

When you want to be able to do the microwave
And not look ridiculous

Play September

You'll still look ridiculous
But at least you won't care

Most of all, when you need a laugh
Because, let's face it, we all need a laugh
Then play September

Play September and remember
What Mark Twain said--

“The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.”

Bah-dee-yah, Mr. Twain, Bah-dee-yah

Tony Hooper's Stand-Up Act

Hi, my name is Tony Hooper
I am now in the fourth grade
And I have been asked to come here
And be funny

So...

Okay, my friend Tony Mars goes into a bar
And the bartender says--

What are you doing in here? You're only nine!
Get outta here, kid!

So Tony Mars comes out and says 'Sorry, Tony Hooper. They threw me out.'
And I said--

'Well, there goes my joke.'

The rest is history

Knock, knock

. . . . .

Genghis Kahn

. . . . .

He was a tyrannical ruler
With a really cool name

. . . . .

...That's who.

What's the deal with my sister?

She's all...a girl...and related to me...and we have the same parents.

I'm going to use her as an example of something...PLEASE!

Geez, this stand-up act is going awful
Maybe I better sit down

No, really, I'm feeling a bit faint

First of all, speaking in front of people is not my strong suit

My strong suit is a blue shirt
With a tie with lions on it
And pants that go 'whoosh whoosh' when I walk

I wore it to my cousin's birthday party
And she said 'Who's making that whoosh whoosh' sound?
And I said 'Who made you Princess of Life and Happiness?'
And then I licked the top of her birthday cake
And my mother put me in the Invisible Square of Reflection
Which is something she learned from Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil is not a doctor
But he does fill me with anger

So I guess that's something

That's my first of all

Second of all, none of you understand my jokes
Because my humor is very dark

That's because I have black hair
And I write all my jokes before I go to bed
And the hall light has been off for two weeks
Because the light bulb hasn't been changed

Speaking of which, how many idiots does it take to change a light bulb?

According to my mother
It takes my father standing on a chair
Saying words I shouldn't say

That's my second of all

Finally, if you've enjoyed my stand-up act
Please come see me next week
When I'll be emceeing the talent show at my school
Or as I like to call it--

'Tony Hooper: One Night Only...And Some Other People.'

If you didn't like the show
Then I'm sorry to have to tell you this
But you are probably NOT smarter than a fourth grader

Thank you, and tip your gators...

...They live in swamps

New York Rain

I used to love New York rain

Bryan and I would be out on the streets
And it'd start to rain
And he'd pull me against his chest
And duck his head down
All the while keeping his eyes up

All of which does absolutely nothing to keep you dry, but...

But it's sweet

It was...very sweet

Now I carry an umbrella
And I stay dry
But I feel...cold

I feel like the rain's getting to me
Even as it's bouncing off me while I walk

I feel like stone now
Whereas before I was part of the rain
I was part of an experience

Me, New York, Bryan, rain
The two of us in a little apartment
Falling inside like the rain was chasing us
Making warm soup and watching tv
Being late for class
Because we couldn't decide which kiss
Should be the last kiss

And when he decided, I didn't know

I came home, and he'd gone back to Boston
To work at a restaurant his dad opened

I guess it rained a little too much here that year
I guess protecting me from all of it became...too difficult

So now it's just me
And my umbrella
And an apartment that seems much larger
And two years left of school
And the rain

It's funny--I used to love New York rain

But now it feels like it's raining
All the time

Karen's Cold Feet

Kah? Kah, you in there?

Your Dad says you got cold feet

I said, Don't I know it
Sleeping with her is like dipping your toes
In a snowbank every night

Your Dad didn't find that too funny, babe

Look, I'm scared too, okay?

I mean, this is only your first time

I've been married two times before
Trust me, you don't know how bad it can get

My last marriage fell apart at the reception
When I got drunk and told my mother-in-law
She was going to put the open bar out of business

Man, that woman had a right hook on her

But look, babe, the only thing that matters
Is that we love each other
And that the deposit on the hall is non-refundable

I know you're not sure about forever
But that's because you can't be sure about forever
You can only be sure about today

And I'm sure about today, Karen
I'm really sure about today

So can't you come out of the ladies room
And be sure with me?

Please?

Okay, well...

I'm going to sit down right here

And when your feet warm up
I'll be waiting

Dancer Skips Christmas

First of all, he put me in back of Vixen

And I was like, Uh uh, Nope

No thanks

Not having it

I'm always in the front

I...go in...the front.

Thanks.

But, apparently, things have changed
Because I had to go in the back
And watch Vixen kick her fat legs at me all night
While Santa's yelling about how we're not going to get to Peru in time
And I'm like--

Maybe you shouldn't put the fatties up in front then

But whatever

I kept my mouth shut

I kept saying to myself--

We only have to do this once a year
And then I go back to my Miami petting zoo
And pretend these reindeer don't even exist

But THEN I hear Comet say to Cupid--

'Dancer thinks he's better than everybody'

And that's when I broke loose
And let them finish handing out to yo yo's to Bolivians

BY--THEM--SELVES

Of course I think I'm better than everybody
I AM better than everybody

Who do you think keeps all the toy assignments straight?

If it weren't for me
We would have been handing out Barbie dolls to starving kids in Bombay
And they probably would have tried eating Barbie's fake hair

But do I get a thank you?

No

I get attitude

So forget it

I'm skipping Christmas

Whatever

I just wanted to dance anyway

That's what I wanted this year

So Merry Christmas to me

What the Baby Wants

The baby wants to be born in the house, Jon

It wants to be born here
And it wants me to handle it
By myself

So no, we won't be needing a doctor
Or a midwife
Or you, even

We won't really be needing you, Jon

Although we certainly appreciate
Everything you've done

But the baby says you don't want it

It says it can hear your thoughts
When you're sleeping next to me
And you let your hand
Rest on my stomach

The baby says we, it and I
Are a team
And that a team must not be compromised
By outside parties

After all, that's what you are

The father?

Jon, anyone can be a father
It takes so little
But to do what I'm doing
To bring this baby into the world--

I AM NOT CRAZY!

It says you'll try to hurt it
Us, the both of us

It says you'll take it away from me
Because you think I've lost it

You think I'm not all there anymore, don't you, Jon?

It wants me to wait until you fall asleep
And slip your hand over my stomach
And then it wants me to bite down on that hand
Until I taste blood

It wants me to push you out of the bed
And then jump up and down on you
Until I feel my feet hit the floor

But I still love you, Jon

I do

But you're not what the baby wants

So instead, I have to ask you to leave
And if you won't leave, well then...

I'll have to handle you as well

The Caveman Discovers Swearing

She said what?

Ah well, it's just a word

It's not like she hit you

She just said--

I understand she's your child, Krorg
But children say things

Remember when we tried to stop getting them to say things
By shoving wing thing eggs in their eggs
And they spit them out and kept talking anyway?

I think we learned something that day

Children like to talk...and breathe

They need to breathe

Which isn't always convenient

Teaching them to swim to the bottom of the Great Water
To fetch fish eggs would be a lot easier if--

POINTY TEETH!
POINTY TEETH!

EVERYBODY HIDE!

...It got Bob

Dammit

Well at least now we know it CAN smell us
Even if we don't shower for eight weeks

Anyway, back to the subject

Your daughter said 'Go what yourself?'

Ahhh...yes, that word does sound bad

But it sort of sounds fun too

Can I say it?

Well why can't? I'm not your daughter

Krorg, I'm not going to tell you to go do it to yourself
I'm just going to say it
Or I could say that I should go do it to myself
Or I could end 'ing' at the end of it
And then it'll just be a harmless verb
That means absolutely nothing

You see--it's all about context, Krorg

Remember when we invented context yesterday?

It was for situations like these

Now, just explain to your daughter
That for some unknown reason
You don't like that word
And she'll stop saying it
And then nobody will ever say it again

...As soon as I'm done saying it

Krorg, my wife just left me for a man who hasn't evolved past gills yet
And that iceberg we've been chipping away at to make snowcones
Is melting at a rapid rate

Excuse me if I think bad words
Are the least of our worries

Rob's Book Report

Rob, I'm going to check your book report
And then I want you to hop in the shower before bed
All right?

Let's see--"War and Peace" by--

Wait--

ROB!

Honey, is this a joke?

This says you read "War and Peace"

Sweetie, that book is long
It's complicated
It's...Russian!

You're in sixth grade!

What possessed you to--

You know what? Never mind.

I shouldn't criticize you for aspiring
To exceed the goals set out for you

I apologize

Let's see...

"War and Peace is about these poor people who eat grapes and travel across the country with a dog named Charley looking for drunk people in Las Vegas."

ROB!

Are you sure you read 'War and Peace?'

I think you might have read 'The Grapes of Wrath'...and 'Travels with Charley'...and also, maybe, rented 'Leaving Las Vegas' which is not a movie you should be watching!

Hang on--

"The war is really bad because Charlie Sheen doesn't want to fight it and he ends up dating Drew Barrymore but he doesn't know she fights crime with her friends who sing in a show choir."

Okay, that's 'Platoon,' 'Charlie's Angels,' and 'Glee.'

"Braveheart fights for peace."

Okay, 'Braveheart,' that's easy.

"Sometimes you can't have peace though because you're too busy killing mockingbirds that catch you in the rye and then you have to Hamlet them."

ROB!

Hamlet is not a verb!

And I don't think you can catch anything in the rye
I'm not even sure what a rye is

"There is war on Star Trek and if you fight it then Zac Effron will sing for you but not before the Goonies play on the sandlot and Dora the Explorer falls off Wuthering Heights."

ROB!

Have you been sitting too close to the tv again?

"In conclusion, War and Peace teaches us that if you live in Oklahoma then it'll be all about Eve and your Avatar will take you to Casablanca where you can dance with wolves and witness Paranormal Activity. The End."

Well...that was...Wow

ROB!

From now on, let me do all your homework!

I think it's for the best

Your Waitress

Hi, my name is Stephanie
And I am your waitress

Before I take your drink order
Let's get a few things straight

I don't like you

I don't like your friend with the cheap earrings
That have panda bears on them

I don't like this job
And I don't need it
Because my family is rich
And my dad makes me work here
To keep me grounded

PS. It's not working

Don't order anything alcoholic
Because I don't feel like dealing with drunk people
With cheap earrings

Don't order salads
Because the wait staff has to make those
Meaning me
And if I have to make you a salad
I'm going to put stuff in it
That you don't want to eat

Trust me

If you order a hamburger medium rare
And it comes out well done
You're eating it well done
Or you can eat it off your car
Because that's where I'm going to dump it
When you ask me to bring it back to the kitchen

If you order the seafood
And you puke later
You'll learn a valuable lesson
About not ordering seafood in a landlocked state
Five days after the delivery day

If you order the lemon pie
I should let you know
That there are no lemons in it
And it's more of a giant cupcake
Than a pie

Which sounds delicious
But trust me, it isn't

Okay, now that we've covered all that
What do you want to drink?

Sparkling water
With a wedge of lemon?

Okay

Clearly SOMEONE was not listening

The Dog Has to Go

Listen, I've been cool with this
For a really long time

A really, really long time

But I just can't handle it anymore

The dog has to go

Now, I'm not saying throw him out on the street
Although there are some nice streets
That I'm sure he wouldn't mind being thrown out on

After all, it's not like he keeps himself clean
Despite the fact that God gave him a tongue
And the ability to lick his own stomach

I'll give him a few days to find a new place
A new owner, maybe somebody without a sense of smell
Since that dog smells like what I hacked up yesterday

Oh sure, I'm not the cleanest cat in the world
And yes, I've been known to scratch the furniture
And yes, I can be a little moody

But at least I don't eat the garbage
Right out of the trash can

Does he not understand the discarding process?
Does he think we just throw it outside
Because we don't have room for it in here anymore?

I gave this a shot, but now I've had enough

Last week, he...oh god, this is...he sniffed me

No, I'm not telling you where

Let's just say I'm going to need serious therapy to get over it

In the meantime, the dog has to go

And next time I'd appreciate it if you check with me
Before you go bringing anymore animals into the house

Why Kayla Didn't Get in the Show

I didn't get in the show
Because they couldn't afford me

It's not that I didn't want to do the show
It's just that if you do one benefit for free
The next thing you know
You're never getting paid
And let's face it

Rainbows and sunsets don't come for free, now do they?

I mean, I can tell a few jokes for free

Hey, here's one--

What's blue, and green, and talks like someone from France?

Okay, well you have to pay to hear the rest

I didn't say I was going to tell the WHOLE joke for free

That would be insane

Fine, I'll tell another joke

Cotton swabs

Well, that was the punchline

I figured since you wanted it last time
I'd give you that instead of--

Hey look, I'm not even in the show

I'm just trying to be supportive

I was just sitting back there in my dressing room
Thinking, Why do they keep giving me Pepsi when I specifically asked for Diet Coke?
When I figured it might be nice to pop out here
And let you all know
That I'm not in the show
But that I'm thrilled to be able to be backstage
Helping out by telling everybody what they're doing wrong

Now THAT you can afford

Why Michael Didn't Get in the Show

Hey, so, I'm not in the show
But I'm fine with it

I'm fine with it
And it's fine
And it's really fine
And I'm cool with it
So it's totally fine

Okay?

I'm actually going to do my own show instead
And it's going to be called 'A Way Better Show Than That Other Show'
And it's not about this show, the show I didn't get in
When I say 'That Other Show' I mean just, another show
A metaphorical show that isn't real
But that just exists, maybe
I don't know

But the point is my show will be better
And it will have acrobats
Which make everything better

Acrobats and jugglers and Brad Pitt
Not Brad Pitt the movie star
My friend Brad Pitt from Cranston
Who can juggle, he's the juggler
When I mentioned jugglers I meant Brad Pitt

And everybody will get to do my show
Except the people who did...other shows
Other shows that didn't involve me
Even though I wanted to do them
And would have been awesome in them
But now it's fine except now some people can't be in 'A Way Better Show Than the Other Show'
Which is obviously going to be a better show
Because it says so in the name
And so some people are going to be missing out
Which is unfortunate for them

So my show is going to be about...an hour after this show ends
So be sure to catch it

It's going to be insane

Not that this show isn't sort of kind of good
If you like lame shows

Anyway, have a good time

I'm going to go rehearse for my awesome show

Thanks

Why Nicole Didn't Get in the Show

I'm not in the show
Because I was the best person at the audition
And it terrified everybody else there

People were practically running out of the room
Terrified of how brilliant I was

One girl said--I quit acting. I'm never acting again. I have seen the light of pure genius and it is glorious and now I can no longer pretend that I am even a sliver of anything compared to what I have just witnessed.

Then she became a nun

The director couldn't give me a monologue
Because if he did
Everyone in the audience would laugh so hard
They would pee
Tons of people peeing

It would be so gross

The last time I was onstage
Eight boys in the cast fell in love with me
And when I told them that I don't date because my art is my only true love
They all became nuns

Everyone around me becomes nuns

It's a curse to have a gift

Plus, my hair--I mean, c'mon--amazing, right?

Anyway that's why I didn't get in the show
And I'm so cool with it
Because when you're a brilliant star
Filled with love and goodness and amazingness
Then you learn to accept that common people can't appreciate
Everything you have to often

But you can all still totally look at my hair
Because it is too good to pass up, I know

After all
You're only human

Why Sam Didn't Get in the Show

I didn't get in the show
Because I couldn't do a Scottish accent

Have you ever tried to do a Scottish accent before?

It's not even a real accent
It's not
It's not even real

I think that entire country is making up their accent

It's basically a British accent
And an Irish brogue
Except on top of all that
You have to sound like you're choking on a pretzel

Ugh, I hate it

I'm trying to do this stupid monologue
Which isn't even all that funny anyway
And on top of not forgetting the stupid words
In the stupid monologue
That some stupid guy wrote
I have to do a stupid Scottish accent

And I couldn't do it
So I didn't get in the show

Which is totally fine
Because I'd rather do cooler stuff anyway

Like my school just got this club
For people who want to pretend their vampires

We're called the VamDamns
And we're, like, the coolest people in school

Except yesterday someone accused me of smelling like garlic
And I was all--I can't help it if they serve garlic bread on Fridays in the cafeteria
And Mizarella, the Queen of the VanDamns
Was all--Well, I can't go near you, you'll burn me

And I was all--Mizarella, I mean, MINDY, vampires don't get burned by garlic bread, they get burned by holy water, you're the worst Vampire Queen ever, and YOU smell like the puddle on the floor of my Dad's pickup truck, and I don't want to be in your stupid coven anyway. I only joined it because I can't do a stupid Scottish accent and maybe I should just move somewhere where they don't have accents--LIKE FLORIDA!

That didn't go over very well

But I got to keep my vampire cape, which is--sort of incredibly embarrassing because now everybody calls me Cape Boy.

The moral here--If you have to do a Scottish accent for a monologue
Watch Braveheart a ton of times first
And then you'll at least be able to fake it

Thank you

This Is Where It Used to Rain

Here's the bench where we broke up
Here's where tears turned up the earth
And I pretended that a train was coming down
I pretended we were both gonna explode
I ran back to my car crying
Acting like I was being chased
And as the memories fell out of tear ducts in my pockets
I pretended I had grace
I pretended I was saved
I pretended it was raining

This is where it used to rain
By the old Paridum Theater
Everyone's got funny stories
About the people that died last year
We have all these savage memories
That we keep inside our chests
Swing from vines and sweeten pots
And fuck like rabbits
Die like hornets
Live like crows that won't go home

All our prose is sidewalk chalk
It got washed out in the rain
No one likes us
No one needs us
No one even knows we're here
And here is where it used to rain

That's my friend beside the deli
Tried to kill me late last year
Found out I was telling stories about him
Left me half-dead
Only half 'cause I'm his friend

That's the club that no one goes to
That's the restaurant where we eat
That's the pizza place where I threw up
Because I showed up drunk
And tried the turkey slice
And Olita rubbed my back
I remember how warm her hands felt
Against the cold November night
I would have stayed drunk and sick forever
To feel her there

This is where it used to rain
On the ball field where we went after the prom
My friend fucked his girl on third base
While she laughed
Me and Olita just sat in the stands
With a blanket around us
And when I asked her to marry me
She said we'd see once the sun came up
And when it did she didn't say
So I guess that was my no

We don't get rain here anymore
Just cool dry disappointment
And the rivers that we dove in
Ran up and drowned us in their heat

Never thought we'd drown in sand

Here's the bench where Olita left me
Caught me stealing time from her
Saw me sucking up her life
And she removed me
With red lipstick and a knife

Now I walk around in disaster movies
Am I the star or just an extra
Do I feel the rain down here
Or does it stop before it reaches me
And that's why I don't see my friends
I only see their faces
As I drive by in buses
That don't stop anywhere
Going home to outskirt laundromats
Trying to plan my great comeback

This is where it used to rain
Watch the clothing in the dryer
Save up change for next November
Try to live inside a snowglobe
Where it's always Christmas
Where it's always happy
Where you're always ten
And all you want is a Nintendo system
And a chance
To start again

Olita's in Toronto
Filming stuff I see on tv
And my Ma says you should've married that girl
And I say no shit, ma, no shit
I don't tell her about the ball park
I'd rather my ma think I missed an opportunity
Then have her think I got turned down
By a girl who could see I was a loser
Even before I thought it
Even before it was true

This is where it used to rain
This is all part of the problem
My clothes are dirty
Or they're too clean
I'm a bastard
Or I'm just mean
I amount to nothing
And nothing around me is even real

Except the sunlight
Bright, brighter than ever

Ricky Still Smokes

Did you come back to find out
If Ricky still smokes?

Because Ricky still smokes
If that's what you wanted to know

You could have called
And found that out

So maybe that's not why
You hopped a flight back here

And are you planning on staying
Or only staying long enough
To remember why you left?

Because we don't throw going away parties around here anymore
And we sure as hell don't throw the same one twice

Did you come back to see
If Benny got off the drugs?

He didn't

Did you come back to see
If Trish still bartends at Barbabos?

Because she doesn't
She strips instead
Or sometimes she fucks for money
And Barbabos isn't even there anymore

There, do you feel better now?

Now that you're all caught up?

My Mom?

She's got lung cancer
Probably got six months left
There, I saved you a phone call

How much do those cost nowadays?

My Dad?

He busted Frank Natti's head in
In a brawl outside Mickey's
And now he's in jail

My brother's got a baby girl
That he doesn't talk about
And a motorcycle he won't shut up about

My sister married a prick
Who beats the shit out of her
About as often as he buys her jewelry
So now she's got bracelets to distract
From the bruises on her wrists

And rather than interfere
Or because we're all too fucked up ourselves to take on her case
My entire family just keeps praying
Her dickhead of a husband won't start beating on my niece
Because then I'd have to let my dad know
And two days later they'd find my brother-in-law's nuts
Taped up outside his mother's front door

Because that's just how my Dad is

But you already knew that, didn't you?

This ain't a book you haven't read before
And just like a book
The ending's the same
Every time you read it

See when you left you weren't sure
You thought maybe you were leaving in the middle
Maybe there was still some life and story left
In this fucked up little story of ours

But there is no story here
Not at all

There's sure as fuck no beginnings, new or old
I'll tell you that much

We're all just spinning around on the head of a top
Waiting to see when it'll go down
So we can all rest in peace

And if you wanna know what we need
What we need is to have people like you
Stop stopping by to find out
If they have to feel guilty
For taking off when they did
Or how they did
Or why they did

Oh, but let me guess

No good jobs down south either?
No better people in Seattle?
Nothing much more to do in Santa Fe?
Everything look the same everywhere else
As it does here

That's because no matter where you go
You're still looking at everything
Through the same damn eyes

At least around here we know what we're seeing

And at least when you left
We had one less blind kid in the neighborhood
We had to look out for

See, Nicky, he still gets in fights
But he's older now
So he loses more often

Paul's still the handsome fuck he always was
But now there are younger guys
Who can get the type of girls he used to like
So instead he buys time with Trish
And they reminisce about when they were both hot shit

That's our favorite thing to do around here
Sit around and remember

Billy remembers his football career
Right before he got Nina knocked up
And had to take over his father's car shop

You never saw a mechanic try so hard
To rub the grease on his pants
Before he shakes hands with you

Like he's saying 'this ain't who I am'
This is only temporary

We got a lot of temporary around here
Even more than before you left

Everybody's moving
As soon as they find a van big enough
To fit all their shit in

Me?

There ain't a van big enough
That I know

That I do know

As for Ricky, he still smokes

And drinks
And shoots up
And swears
And fucks
And licks his chops
And gambles on which side of the pie will taste better
And makes up stories about himself
Like we all haven't known him all his life

Must be horrible when your life sucks
And you can't even dress it up a little

Is that what you do back where you live now?

Do you dress all this up?

Make it look better?
Make it look worse?

Make it a mansion
Or a novel people can read
So they can see how brave you are
That you escaped from it?

Fuck you

Nobody needs you here

And if you're smarter
Good for you

And if you're nicer
Bravo

And if you're a better person
I'll go find a crowd
To clap for you
And a governor to give you a medal

But once that's done
Why don't you take off
And let the rest of us
Keep going?

Yeah, Ricky's still smoking

And I got more respect for him
Than I do for you
Because at least he knew
That he'd be smoking as much anywhere else
As he does here

I can still hear your little girl standing out in front of your old house
Asking me when you were coming back
Right before your mother made her go inside

If there was a rope tying you here
And you thought you were being strangled
Then you should have told me
And I would have undid that rope for you

I would have held onto it for me
While you got your shit together
And I would have tied it around me
And let you walk as far as you could
Until you realized that here is where you needed to be

But instead you took out a knife
And cut right through it

That rope was all you had that connected you to here
So don't try coming back
Because you couldn't find your way back here
If I drew you a map

So yeah, Ricky still smokes
And I still paint houses
When there's houses to paint
And your little girl still thinks you went off to be a movie star
Because we all told her that's what you do
So she wouldn't hate you

And you still can't look me in the eye
When I'm telling you the truth

So see?

Nothing's changed at all

Plus One

Melanie?

This is Caroline

Yes, I got the invitation!

Thank you sooooooooo much

I'm--wow, there really isn't even a word for it.

You're getting married and I'm...you're getting married!

But listen, I think there was something wrong with the invitation

Oh no, sweetie, don't worry
I'm sure it's just incorrect on mine

You see, there isn't a plus one on here

You know, for me to bring a guest

A guest

Someone who will come with me to your...wedding

Well, I realize that, but just because I'm not dating anyone seriously doesn't mean I won't be by the time your wedding rolls around...

...If it rolls around...

Hmm? No, I said 'when'--'When' it rolls around

So should I just a plus one to this and--

The singles table?

Melanie, why would I--

Why--

Why does there even need to BE a singles table?

Surely, all of your friends can find dates in NINE months

We're not gargoyles, Melanie, we're just single

Well, I don't know, Melanie
Maybe I'll bring a drifter
Or a circus clown
Or a recently released convict

There are no end to the possibilities

But I'll tell you one thing

I bought you the most expensive thing
On that Forbes 500 hundred list you call a bridal registry
And if you want that gift
I get my plus one

Do we understand each other?

Fantastic

Hmm?

Oh, uh, I'll have the fish

Put my date down for the beef

I get the feeling he's going to be a beefy sort of guy

The Liberty Bell

Matt, I need you to go to the store
And get me a bell

A giant bell

Well, honey, it's Stephen
He wants to be the Liberty Bell for his class project

Oh, I don't know
He likes liberty, I guess

What?

No, he can't be the Statue of Liberty
She's a woman

At least, I think she's a woman

She looks like a woman

Hang on a second--

STEPHEN?!?!?

IS THE STATUE OF LIBERTY A WOMAN?!?!?!

Okay, apparently his friend Stacey is going as the Statue of Liberty
So it's a non-issue anyway

Hmm?

I don't know

Doesn't Target sell giant bells?

Oh, but it needs to have a crack in it

Oooh! Find one with a crack in it
Maybe they'll give you a discount!

Okay, well then just find a regular giant bell and we'll make the crack ourselves

I SAID WE'LL MAKE THE CRACK OURSELVES!

Why are you laughing?

Oh, hahaha, you're a sick man, honey.
That's why I married you

By the way, he needs to ring

Stephen, he needs to ring.

Well, it's a bell, Matt
It rings

I don't think the crack stops it from ringing.

Matt, stop laughing!
We have a day to put this together!

Tomorrow is National Monument Day at school
And I want him to win the costume contest

I think our only competition is Marcy Pendergrabber
She's going as Old Faithful

I guess she walks out quietly
And then every once in awhile spits water out of her mouth

Well, you have to admit, Matt, it's pretty clever

Okay, I have to go

I have to help Jen with her science project

That reminds me--

Can you find me a frog that's been affected by global warming?

Well, I don't know, find one with a tan.

Well, you're going to Target anyway
See if they have one there

And we need chips, too.

And remember--

I love you, honey.

But don't forget the bell.