Tony Hooper's Stand-Up Act

Hi, my name is Tony Hooper
I am now in the fourth grade
And I have been asked to come here
And be funny

So...

Okay, my friend Tony Mars goes into a bar
And the bartender says--

What are you doing in here? You're only nine!
Get outta here, kid!

So Tony Mars comes out and says 'Sorry, Tony Hooper. They threw me out.'
And I said--

'Well, there goes my joke.'

The rest is history

Knock, knock

. . . . .

Genghis Kahn

. . . . .

He was a tyrannical ruler
With a really cool name

. . . . .

...That's who.

What's the deal with my sister?

She's all...a girl...and related to me...and we have the same parents.

I'm going to use her as an example of something...PLEASE!

Geez, this stand-up act is going awful
Maybe I better sit down

No, really, I'm feeling a bit faint

First of all, speaking in front of people is not my strong suit

My strong suit is a blue shirt
With a tie with lions on it
And pants that go 'whoosh whoosh' when I walk

I wore it to my cousin's birthday party
And she said 'Who's making that whoosh whoosh' sound?
And I said 'Who made you Princess of Life and Happiness?'
And then I licked the top of her birthday cake
And my mother put me in the Invisible Square of Reflection
Which is something she learned from Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil is not a doctor
But he does fill me with anger

So I guess that's something

That's my first of all

Second of all, none of you understand my jokes
Because my humor is very dark

That's because I have black hair
And I write all my jokes before I go to bed
And the hall light has been off for two weeks
Because the light bulb hasn't been changed

Speaking of which, how many idiots does it take to change a light bulb?

According to my mother
It takes my father standing on a chair
Saying words I shouldn't say

That's my second of all

Finally, if you've enjoyed my stand-up act
Please come see me next week
When I'll be emceeing the talent show at my school
Or as I like to call it--

'Tony Hooper: One Night Only...And Some Other People.'

If you didn't like the show
Then I'm sorry to have to tell you this
But you are probably NOT smarter than a fourth grader

Thank you, and tip your gators...

...They live in swamps