Your Waitress

Hi, my name is Stephanie
And I am your waitress

Before I take your drink order
Let's get a few things straight

I don't like you

I don't like your friend with the cheap earrings
That have panda bears on them

I don't like this job
And I don't need it
Because my family is rich
And my dad makes me work here
To keep me grounded

PS. It's not working

Don't order anything alcoholic
Because I don't feel like dealing with drunk people
With cheap earrings

Don't order salads
Because the wait staff has to make those
Meaning me
And if I have to make you a salad
I'm going to put stuff in it
That you don't want to eat

Trust me

If you order a hamburger medium rare
And it comes out well done
You're eating it well done
Or you can eat it off your car
Because that's where I'm going to dump it
When you ask me to bring it back to the kitchen

If you order the seafood
And you puke later
You'll learn a valuable lesson
About not ordering seafood in a landlocked state
Five days after the delivery day

If you order the lemon pie
I should let you know
That there are no lemons in it
And it's more of a giant cupcake
Than a pie

Which sounds delicious
But trust me, it isn't

Okay, now that we've covered all that
What do you want to drink?

Sparkling water
With a wedge of lemon?

Okay

Clearly SOMEONE was not listening