Dueling Grandmas

Dear Grandma Joy,

Theater camp is super fun.  I'm making a ton of new friends, and next month, I'm playing the lead role in the musical version of The Social Network.  When I get back home, I'm going to have to teach you how to use a computer so we don't have to write letters back and forth anymore even though you say it's good for a man to learn correspondence, which I think is some sort of math term.  Anyway, I miss you.

Love,
Wally

Dear Wally,

I'm glad you like theater camp.  Your father wanted to send you to karate camp, but I told him that no grandson of mine was going to walk around barefoot all summer in nothing but a kimono.  Those Maine summers can be terribly drafty.  I'm sending you a care package with some necessities in it--novels, suntan lotion, a portable DVD player, and six hundred dollars.  Your father told me that your other grandmother--or as I like to call her--"that woman"--has been sending you homemade cookies.  I said, "Well, I suppose it's better than her eating them.  You're lucky Wally.  You have my metabolism, and your other grandmother has the metabolism of a small elephant.  Not that she isn't a lovely woman.  Anyhoo, I hope you enjoy the care package, and if they don't give you the lead in that all-boy production of Hello Dolly! then let me know so I can buy the camp and fire everyone.

Love, Kisses, and Hugs
Grandma Joy

Dear Grandma Pat,

Thank you for coming to visit last week.  My friend Tobey also wanted me to thank you for pointing out to him that his teeth are crooked and recommending that orthodontist you sent Mother to when she was his age.  He says he'll look into it once summer is finished.  Also, thank you for your offer to take me to London for a few months, but I'm pretty sure October through February is going to be a tough time to get away what with school and S.A.T.'s and all, so maybe a rain check on that?  And once I get my license I'll talk to Mother and Father about getting that chauffeur you were talking about buying me.  I'm assuming a chauffeur is some sort of hybrid car?  It's very generous of you.  Can't wait to see you when I get back.

Love,
Wally

Dear Wally,

Good news!  That lake I bought you will be ready for when you get home.  Provided we have a warm September like last year, I think we'll be able to throw you that Back-to-School party I promised all your friends.  You can even invite that poor boy with the mouth that looks like Stonehenge.  I'll have Dr. Schroeder stop by to give him a free consultation.  I talked to your mother about the London trip and she's still not budging.  I keep telling her that a genius like you would only be suffocated by one more year of schooling, but she refuses to listen.  She's stubborn as a mule, but don't panic.  I plan on faking a terminal illness so that she'll agree to let me spend some 'final bonding time' with my grandson.  She also tells me that Grandma Two has been showering you with cash and expensive gifts.  It's so sad that some people feel the need to buy love like it's some kind of toy.  Oh, by the way, I couldn't decide which color car to get you, so I got both.  Someone your age needs to be given options anyway.

Love Your Favorite Grandmother,
Pat

   Dear Grandma Joy

  Dear Wally

Dear Wally

   Dear Grandma Pat, Thank you for the flatscreen television.  Everybody in my cabin loves it.  We just wish we could get it in from outside, but it won't fit through the door.  Luckily we found an extension cord...

  Dear Wally, I wanted to have your birthday party at the top of the Biltmore but apparently your other Grandmother said--

The top of the Biltmore?  Are we throwing him a birthday party or raising money for a rare disease that only affects gerbils?  I wanted to have your birthday party at a private club in Newport, but Grandma Two asked--

  Ah yes, that ultra-cool hang-out.  Because we all know how much teenagers love a good bocci ball tournament.

   Dear Grandma Joy, Thank you for that butler you sent me.  He's really cool, but I think his British accent is fake.

Dear Wally, I simply refuse to let you go to college until you look into that island I was going to purchase for you.  I mean, if you're going to be King of an indigenous people, why bother getting a degree?

  Dear Wally, Your father keeps telling me that I should stop building that addition onto my house for you to live in while you go through the turbulent times that are your twenties, but luckily, I stopped listening to him after he told me that having a flag with your name on it put on Mars was an 'extravagant purchase.'  Honestly, it's just a flag!

   Dear Grandmas, I really appreciate everything you're doing for me, but I think I need to start paying my own way in life.

  Is that a joke?

'Paying your own way?'  You mean you're becoming a hobo?

   I love you both very much, but I am going to college in the Fall, and I'm living in the dorms.

The dorms?!?!

  Wally, do you have any idea how much bacteria there is on your average common room sofa?  I know someone who caught lupus just by sitting on one of those.

   I'll still write all the time.  And I'll come visit when I can, but I think it's important that I do this.  I'll see you both when I get home in August.  Love, Wally.

(Pause.)

  You know...

Come to think of it...

I've always wanted to go back to school./I've always wanted to go back to school.

Everyday Words

I still catch your name
Like a song
In a net

I still wouldn't picture
You being that way
If I hadn't seen it
For myself

I still get messed up
When I hear certain songs

I still drive around
Looking for a house
Too expensive to buy

I still play on the East Side
Every Friday night

I still do
I still do

I still dance around
Like a fool in the dark

I still like the taste
Of my foot in my mouth

I still buy you gifts
And tear up the receipts

I still cook the dinners
That you taught me to make

I still do
I still do

I still guess the numbers
That might call you up

I still dream awake
And sleep aware

I still say it don't matter
When all I do is care

I still play it young
When it wants to be old

I still stay too quiet
When I want to be bold

I still got the bad moods
And the faded tattoos

I still do
I still do

I still see your name
In everyday words

I still wish I could see it
On a towel in my bathroom

See your picture
Right under mine

Get it right
For real
This time

I still hope to God that you got out alive
When it seems like only idiots
Were able to survive

I still say nostalgia's my worst drug
And I'd still go back to get you
If I knew how to do it

I say I would bring back you
And me
And everybody
We sunk with
And got drunk with

But I still like to hope
When I can't do nothing else

I still do
I still do

Do you?

The Beauty Box

I was having a cigarette
When the clerk asked me

Check the box, she says

Check the box

Beauty or Other

I heard about the box
But part of me thought
It might be a celestial myth

The Beauty Box

The boogeyman of souls
In processing

I'd been waiting seventy-three years to be born
Small in the grand scheme of things
I have a friend who's been waiting eight hundred years
But they want him to give up drinking first
And he won't do it

Anyway, I got the letter saying I'm in

And so I go to the office
At around 5am China time
Because I guess I was going to China
And that's when they have me fill out the form
And that's when I see the Beauty Box

Now here's the thing

The Beauty Box is the box you check
If you want to be beautiful
But nothing else

Strictly beautiful

And that's all you get

Now, if you check 'Other'
You might still be beautiful
But it's not a guarantee

What IS a gaurantee is that you'll be something
Other than beautiful

Maybe smart, maybe talented
Maybe exceptionally kind
Who the fuck knows?

Point is, you'll be something
But it isn't necessarily going to be smoking hot

Got it?

Okay

So I'm looking at this box
And I don't have much time
Because down on Earth
My mom's going into labor

But I can't...

I mean, it seems like a no-brainer, right?

Or maybe it doesn't
Depending on who you are

Maybe some people might say
If you get the chance to be beautiful
You take it and run
And don't worry about that other stuff
Because beautiful people have it easier

Then maybe some other people might say
That by checking 'Other' you might end up
Being the guy to cure cancer
Or be a world-famous oboe player
Or something

And who cares if you're beautiful
When you can do shit like that?

Point is I didn't know what I was gonna do

I didn't know what to prefer, as you might say

So I'm just sitting there
In the processing office
My cigarette turning into ash
Falling into these nice little ashtrays they have there
Shaped like angels

Ash goes right through the halo
Into this hollowed-out harp

Ain't that cute?

I don't know where they get 'em
But they're cute

Anyway, I look across from me
And there's this little old guy sitting there
With his hat in his hands
Like a regular little cartoon guy or something

And I knew he was just getting back
Because he still had that nice pink color
That only babies and dead souls have

Soon as he looked at me
He knew what I was going to say

'Beauty box, right?' he says

'Yeah,' I say, 'Mind me asking what you picked?'

He licks his lips a little bit
Then he looks down at his hat
Like he's ashamed or something

'I checked the Beauty Box' he says

I can kinda tell
Even for a dead guy
He looks pretty good

And they usually don't get to Processing
Until around the third week
So that's saying something

'How'd it work out for you,' I ask him

He kinda shakes his head a little
Then says--

'I was always given kindness but I could never give it to others because I wasn't kind.  I was always paid attention to but I could never offer anything because I was incapable of making conversation or making others laugh or think or feel anything.  I was always offered opportunities but I couldn't take them because I had no ambition and no talent to speak of.  There was always something wrong with me but I could never figure out what it was because I had no self-awareness.  I was always loved but I could never love back.  My whole life I felt like I was missing something, but I never knew what it was because everybody treated me like I had it all.  If I were you, and I'm not you, but if I were--I wouldn't check that box.'

Then he said--

'Excuse me'

And got up to go

When it was time for me to be born
I went down to Earth
As a little girl
To a nice family in London
Not China
As I had originally thought

Geography has never been my strong suit
Which is ironic
Considering I'm going to grow up
To be a travel writer
Who still enjoys a cigarette
Every now and again

I didn't check the Beauty Box
But when my mother held me for the first time
And my dad looked down at me
You'd never know it

You'd never know
I didn't check it

The Chairs Discuss the Apocalypse

"So are you happy?
"Happy?"
"Yes."
"Happy about what?"
"That we, you know, survived."
"Ohhh that.  Yes, I'm very happy."
"Me too."
"Being incinerated would have been...I mean, I can't say for sure, but I don't think it would have been fun."
"I don't either."
"Sad about the humans though."
"Very sad."
"I liked the one with the arms."
"They all have arms."
"Oh right, well, I liked the one with the small arms.  She was a sweetheart."
"Oh, wasn't she though?"
"You hate to see an Apocalypse take somebody like her."
"This was really an Apocalypse, wasn't it?  I mean, there's NOBODY left."
"I know, they weren't fooling around this time."
"They?"
"I mean, like, the metaphorical 'they.'"
"Ah yes...'they.'"

. . . . .

"Do you think the fridge survived?"
"I'd be surprised."
"Me too."
"Very surprised."
"I would be too."
"They don't make fridges like they used to."
"Or toasters."
"Your modern fridge can't hold up against even a minor Apocalypse."
"Sad, isn't it?"
"And this one was fairly major, so--"
"Yeah, it's probably long gone."
"Poor fridge."
"Poor son-of-an-icebox."

. . . . .

"I have to say, I'm really glad there weren't as many tornados as I thought there'd be."
"Well, we're really not in a climate for tornados."
"Oh, I know, but I sort of thought all bets were off once the, you know--"
"Well, I mean, an Apocalypse doesn't change the basic rules of weather."
"Well, I would imagine that--"
"I mean if you're not next to an ocean when the Apocalypse hits, you're not going to get massive hurricanes or anything, you know?"
"Well, that's a little--"
"You just get extreme climate that specifically pertains to your location."
"Which is why we got the--"
"Yes."
"Well, I understood all that."
"Then why did you--"
"Why don't we just drop it?"
"All right."
"All right?"
"All right."
"All right."

. . . . .

"I have a rip around my side."
"Oh no!  Do you?"
"Yup."
"Oh no!"
"Pretty big one too."
"How did that happen?"
"Remember when that pack of wolves came in here?"
"Oh no!  They didn't!"
"One did."
"That's awful.  You know what?  That's really awful."
"They're really just big dogs when you get down to it."
"Big stupid dogs."
"That's why Small Arms never had dogs.  She didn't want me getting damaged."
"She was a very decent human being."
"Me not getting damaged was always her top priority."
"Well, I wouldn't say--"
"The very top priority on her list.  That's why no dog."
"Wasn't she also allergic?"
"Well, yes, but they have pills for that now, you know."
"Seems like a lot of trouble to have to take pills."
"Well, no more trouble than having to repair rips in perfectly attractive chairs."
"I have a few rips."
"Well, you're not as new as I am."
"Er, uh, well--"
"I mean, I was bought years after you were."
"For the girl."
"Yes."
"Specifically for the girl."
"Yes, and?"
"I was the man's chair.  With the big arms."
"I didn't like him."
"Why not?"
"He never liked me.  He wanted to return me."
"You weren't his style."
"I'm everyone's style."
"Not everyone has--"
"Do you know how much I cost?"
"Not much with a rip down your side."
"Are you trying to antagonize me?"
"I'm merely pointing out--"
"Look, we're all we've got left, all right?  From now until the rest of the Earth explodes or until some tornados descend on us and sweep us to a better place--"
"I don't see why there couldn't be tornados when all it is is wind and--"
"I'm saying let's try to get along, all right?"
"All right."
"All right?"
"All right."
"All right."

. . . . .

"I'm going to miss having someone sit on me."
"Of course you will.  That's your function.  It's difficult not having a function be met."

"...Will you sit on me?"
"Did you really just ask me that?"
"It's a legitimate question."
"It is not.  For one thing, I can't move.  For another, I'm very heavy and awkward--that's not a critique of my design, that's just the overall nature of any chair.  Finally, you're a chair and chairs don't sit on chairs.  That's just sick."
"Fine."
"Are you actually upset by this?"
"I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.  What am I supposed to do?"
"Relax."
"I can't."
"Recline."
"You know very well I can't hit my own button."
"Then sit there and mope for all I care, but I am not sitting on you."
"Fine."
"Fine."

. . . . .

"They were good people."
"Yes, they were."
"Very good."
"Yes, very good."
"The last time he sat on me, he seemed very happy."
"She came and sat on me and cried when she heard the news."
"He just sat."
"Well..."
"I hope we made them comfortable."
"I'm sure we did."
"I hope so."
"I'm sure we did."

Wendy Sees Her Shadow

Sam Cooke
Wants to know
Why I'm crying

Girl, he says
Why are you crying?

Poor Sam Cooke
Can't stop me from crying

All he can do
Is soothe me

Wanna tell him
I'm no stranger to crying

I've been crying
All my life

Tears
Feel like home

Taste like home
Too

The salt

See, I'm not a California chick
Originally

In many ways
Despite what you may hear
I am very
Unoriginal

Seems like
No matter where I go though

Every time I look out a window
There's an ocean

Oh sure,
This time it's just a pool

But that's just an ocean
With closer shores

I went swimming today in your pool
And my feet got stuck
Underwater

Took a long around
Felt like my lungs were gonna burst

Then my body shot up
And I came flying out
Like a dolphin at Sea World

The body don't know
All the nasty things
The mind wants to do

So what's the next step
In this relationship?

Do I sleep out here on the couch?

Wouldn't bother me

I spent a month on a couch one
And it sure wasn't
As nice as this one

Or would you rather
I come to bed with you?

I should warn you
I have a plane ticket
In a safe deposit box
That's going to take me home tomorrow

So if you were planning
On falling in love
I'd advise against it

But I wouldn't blame you
If you did

Hey, isn't tomorrow a holiday?

Don't you got folks to see
Or something?

Oh...

Well, I'm sorry

Can't be much fun being an orphan

Just one of those things in life
You never want to be

You're pretty thought
For an orphan, I mean

Looks like life went easy on you
After it kicked you in the face
The first time

Sorry

You one of those guys
Doesn't like being called 'pretty?'

I call everybody pretty

Boys, girls, everybody

Some people are just pretty
You know?

I like the way the light
Falls over your balcony

Going down to the pool
Down to the hillside
Down to the city

It looks like it's caught my shadow

And if I lean the right way
Just a little bit forward
I can make it go farther

I can take it down, down, down

Past the city
To who knows where

Makes me want to find a pair of scissors
And cut my shadow loose

Let it see
How far
It can go

The Oreo Bribe

Jody, I want you to listen to me very carefully

Now, I know you went shopping with Mommy today
And I know there were lots of sales at lots of stores
And you and Mommy were gone for a very, very, very long time
And I know Mommy says that's because you went to the park
But Daddy...

Daddy thinks sometimes Mommy says things
So Daddy won't get angry
Even though he wouldn't get angry
If Mommy would just say other things that are more...uh...true

Now

Did you go to the park with Mommy?

I realize that at your age time is a relative concept
But I need you to think really hard

Here's a picture of the park

Parrrrrrk?

Mommmmyyyy?

Noooooo?

Okay, I can see she's already gotten to you

Which is why I brought these Oreos

Jody loooooves Oreos, right?

Num nums?

Yessssssss

Now...

That little bag from Macy's that Mommy brought into the house
With lipstick in it

That wasn't Mommy's only bag, was it?

Noooooo?

Noooooo

I didn't think so

Oreo for Jody!

See?  It's like a game!

A game for Daddy and Jody
But not Mommy
Because Mommy doesn't always tell the truth

And telling the truth is a good thing to do
Because Mommies and Daddies have to act
The way they want their kids to act, right Jody?

Riiiight

Now, let's find out more stuff about Mommy's day
So you can get more cookies
Before dinner

Did Mommy take out the shiny card
From her wallet?

The card that Daddy gave to her
In case of emergencies?

C'mon Jody...

I think I saw Mommy take brussel spouts out of the freezer and--

That's a good girl

Here's an Oreo

Now, let's try for TWO Oreos!

That dent in Daddy's car
That Mommy said was there

Was that there?

Or did Mommy hit something

BANG BANG!

Do you remember a BANG BANG?

Twoooo cookies...

Yessssss

What a good girl you're being for Daddy
While Mommy's out at the soup kitchen helping--

What?

You're shaking your head

Is she--

Is there a sale at the outlets?

Jody, Daddy might need to take you for a little trip
To the supermarket
Before Mommy gets home

We're going to need more cookies

He's Not in the Mafia

Ma, he's not in the mafia

Well, Tori's a liar

Well, she is
I don't care if she's my sister
She's a lying sister then

What?  Sisters can't lie?

Daughters can lie
Why can't sisters?

How do I know daughters can lie?

Because I'm your daughter
And I lie to you
That's how I know

No, I'm not lying about this
He's not in the mafia

Because he says he is
That's how I know he's not

Ma, no Italian guy
That says he's in the mafia
Is in the mafia

Especially not on the first date
When he doesn't even know
What the girl he's dating does for a living

What if I were a policewoman?

I was wearing flats
And I had my hair pulled back
How's he gonna know?

I only told Tori he was in the mafia
Because she was bragging about Vinny
Making fireman

Ma, they make you slide down a pole
And aim a hose
Who's flunking that test?

So I said, 'Tori, that guy I went out on a date with is in the mafia'

Then she shut up
'Cause she loves Ray Liotta in 'Goodfellas'
And probably went and bitched at Vinny
For being an upstandin' citizen
'Cause she's always gotta ruin everything

Ma, trust me I'm sure
You should have seen the tie this guy was wearing

No self-respecting mobster
Wears a tie like that

Then he doesn't tip the valet
Or the waitress

Ma, I worked at Mickey's restaurant for six years

Say what you want about the mafia
But don't ever say they're bad tippers

The nail that sunk the camel
Was the dessert

We got dessert
And he ordered the cheesecake

Mafia guys don't eat cheesecake

I don't know why
Maybe there's a code about it or something

All I know is
They don't eat cheesecake

So he's probably an accountant
Or a kindergarten teacher
Or something like that

I'm glad you're relieved, Ma

Nah, I don't think I'm ever gonna see him again

There's guy that I see out all the time
Who says his job is 'pigeon extermination'

Now that sounds like my kinda guy

The F**king Wedding Birds

Missy, do not tell me not to swear
I am your mother
I am twice your age
I have earned the right to swear
And swear at will

Now what is this fucking man doing?

Releasing the doves?

I paid good fucking money for those doves!

What was the point of getting doves for the wedding
If the fucking doves get RELEASED?

They stay in the area?

How does that work?

Do we negotiate that with them
Before we open the door to the cage?

Have we injected them with something
That makes them too heavy to fly?

This is all very fucking upsetting to me, Missy

And what are those peacocks doing
Walking around
Shitting on the white carpet
We're all going to be walking down in an hour?

They add atmosphere?

The fucking doves weren't enough atmosphere for you?

You needed to throw in some peacock shit?

Why didn't we just fly in some Brazilian cows
To take a shit right on the altar
During the ceremony?

I'm going to tell you something else too

I haven't seen one fucking swan
Swimming around that pond
Since we put them in there yesterday

I think they all drowned

That is a freshwater pond
And I think those were saltwater swans

I told you we should have only put one in at first
And if it didn't die
Then we could put in more
But you wanted to put in all fucking five of them at once
So they'd get used to it
In time for the ceremony

You better hope they don't start bobbing up
With their little legs sticking out of the water
Or we're going to be arrested

Your aunt is a veternarian
And she sees someone abusing animals
She has to make a veternarian arrest
It's part of her code or something

What?

Flew away?

Swans can fly too?

WHY DIDN'T WE GET OSTRICHES?
AT LEAST THEY DON'T FUCKING FLY!

I PAID TO RELEASE ANIMALS INTO THE WILD
I'M LIKE THE JACK HANNAH OF WEST WARWICK!

I'm sorry

I'm sorry, sweetie

I know this is your special day

My mother drove me fucking nuts
On my wedding day too

I promise, no more complaining

From now on, I'm going to be the quiet
Lovely mother-of-the-bride

Scout's honor

...Uh, Missy...is that a flamingo?

Mother of...

Batshit Crazy

See the thing about him is
He's batshit crazy

Now

I can handle a little crazy
I enjoy a little crazy
It's like a little splash of interesting
In my otherwise simple life

But he--is batshit crazy

That's the sort of crazy
I'm not interested in

Like, when you show up at my house unannounced
With a blanket in the front seat of your car in case I get chilly
And a mug of hot chocolate in the cup holder
That is a new kind of crazy

That is batshit crazy

It's the kind of crazy others find cute
And by others, I mean
Others who are of the batshit variety

I am not of that variety
I am not interested in that variety

I would rather get a pat on the head
Than a poem on a piece of parchment

I just wish guys would understand--

There are no great lines that haven't been spoken already
There aren't any compliments that haven't been given
And there are no bold gestures of love
That work in a modern world

If I wanted a musketeer, I'd go to a candy store

I just want a break from the day
I want someone who breaks my day
And, you know, in a good way
Stops me

Just stops me dead in my tracks
And gives me permission
To have a mini-vacation
From my life

Where I can just sit
And laugh
And not worry
That any minute
He's going to bust out
A violin player
And a dozen roses

I don't mind a little crazy
I'm a little crazy

And the thing about him is
He's batshit crazy

He's more crazy
Than I know
What to do with

The Wives of the Barbarians

Goddamn warriors

All they wanna do all day is 
Eat, kill and fuck


YEAH, YOU HEARD ME, YOU BASTARDS!
EAT, KILL AND FUCK!


And more of one than the other
If you know what I mean, Uga


Remember when we were younger?


You'd marry the men
You'd send them to war
They'd die
And you'd live happily ever after


The dream is gone, Uga
The dream is gone


Now they take us with them
With then go conquering


If I have to clean peasant blood
Out of a yak saddle
One more time
I'm going to spill some blood of my own


GOBERT!  STOP STICKING YOUR HAND IN THAT HOLE!
HOW'S IT GOING TO HEAL IF YOU KEEP STICKING YOUR FUCKING HAND IN IT?
I HOPE IT TURNS GREEN LIKE THE ONE WHERE YOUR FINGER USED TO BE!
THAT'S WHAT I'M HOPING FOR, YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!


You know, I hate to say this, Uga
But I think the romance may be gone


It's just not like it used to be
When Gobert was Vice-Conquerer


Back then, we could at least have an evening to ourselves
To tan leather or guess which one of our teeth was going to fall out next


Now that he's Head Conquerer
It's like I don't even know him anymore


Last night he asked when I was going to make him a goat sandwich


'Since when do you like goat,' I ask
'I've always liked goat,' he says
'You're a fucking liar,' I say


Then he says I need to mind him
Or he'll strike me the way Zurda strikes his wife


I told him that Zurda is going to wake up one of these days
With a few of his favorite parts missing
But he didn't hear that from me

I knew it wasn't going to be easy being the wife of a barbarian
But I at least thought there'd be some excitement


Oh Uga, the pillaging is all the same now


If you've seen one burning hut
You've seen them all


Sometimes I lay awake at night
Staring at Gobert
Partly to make sure that the herds from the North
Don't attack us by surprise again


(I'm a better watchman, but god forbid a woman be in charge of anything in this fucking tribe)


I lay awake and watch him
Wondering what happened


What happened to my sweet, thoughtful
Tender marauding murderer?


Then he rolls over
And starts to frigate me
And I think--


Welllllll, at least he took a bath last year


Some women don't even have that

I Bet You Like My Sweat

Excuse me, madam
But I couldn't help noticing
You admiring me

And I know why

Oh, don't be ashamed
You're not the first
You won't be the last

If you're wondering where your urges are coming from
I'll let you in on a little secret

It's the sweat

I bet you like my sweat

I find that whenever I'm perspiring
Women flock to me
Like hookers to a fishnet sale

The problem is--

And this'll be a little secret
Just between you and me, Kit Kat--

I don't sweat naturally

Not anymore anyway

Not since I won that battery licking contest
At my friend's pig roast last summer

So now I have to spray myself
With a little concoction I make on my own

It's part water, part vinegar
And a big old dollop of strained macaroni water

Studies have shown
That women are aroused
By the odor of fresh cooked penne

Is that what caught the attention
Of your rather prominent nose?

Oh, don't worry, baby
I love a good schnozz

Means all my work is gonna be rewarded

So what do you say I go squirt myself a couple more times
With my sweat bottle
And then you and I can jog somewhere secluded
And show an old park bench a good time

Sound good?

Shower?

You want me to shower?

Kit Kat, that's like asking a rainbow
To wash off its colors

Can't you--

Okay, well--

I guess I'll see you around then!

...So turned on she scared herself away

That poor creature

Maybe I should have--

Hey there, baby

Smell anything you like?

George Washington Makes Conversation While Crossing the Delaware

...The thing about John is that his boots are always dirty.

Constantly

I don't know what he does
That gets those boots so dirty

I say to him, John
You can't expect anybody in Congress to listen to you
If you have dirty boots

Clean footwear is very important
When determining whether or not
A man's political leanings are sound
Wouldn't you say?

My goodness, you're rowing hard

I'd help
But I suffered this wrist injury
A few months back
While I was chopping down a...

...a, uh...this...house...that was...ugly...

It was empty
It was an empty house
That nobody owned
So I just...chopped it down

Which is, you know, sort of a civic duty

I might ask the Congress to make a law about that

'It shall be so that all ugly houses are cut down...

...and clean your boots.'

Might as well throw that in there

You can do that, you know

If you want a law passed
That might be unpopular
You just stick it to a law
That people want to have passed
And then they say--

'Well, if we want that one, we gotta pass the other one'

You'd think they'd try to just pass part of the law
But you can't do that
So they pass both

Politics is sort of fascinating that way

Hey, let me ask you an honest question--

Do you think having the horses on the boat
Is a good idea?

I'm sort of on the fence about it

I realize we didn't have much of a choice
But I keep worrying they're going to go crazy
And jump into the water
And then there'll be frozen horses
Just floating along the Delaware

Do you think horses understand the concept
Of hypothermia?

If I were to put my hand in the water for a bit
Then put it up to his face
Do you think he'd get it?

Or would he just try to eat my hand?

Have we been feeding these horses?

I realize we haven't been feeding you men
But I'm not as worried about you eating my hand
Because your mouths aren't as big

Don't you get tired from all that rowing?

I'm getting tired just looking at you

Is that guy done painting my portrait yet?

I'm kind of getting tired of standing like this

Plus, it's cold

Did we bring blankets?

We didn't put the disease-ridden blankets
With the good blankets, did we?

We're saving the diseased ones for the enemy
The good ones are for us

We labeled all that stuff, right?

That's why I brought the labels

Okay, I need to sit down
Maybe have a little snack

Jeremiah, come stand in my place
We look similar enough
I doubt it'll affect the portrait

Besides, you have a nicer chin than I do

Ah, feels good to relax for a bit

So...

Anybody feel like playing a game?

No?

Nobody?

All right then

Never let it be said
That I didn't try to raise the morale
Of my men

Billy and the Bull

Now listen

I ain't no man
So I ain't thinkin' about
Acting all stupid
And waving some cape at you
Like I'm Jo Jo the Magician

You wanna charge me
You're getting this sword right in your neck
And don't think I'll feel bad about it
Because I won't
Because I'm in no mood
And you've been warned
So you don't have any excuse
To go all rogue on me

Do we understand each other?

Now my name is Billy
And I will be your matador today
And yes I am a girl
And no that does not mean
That I will be putting up
With your livestock nonsense

I was raised on a ranch
So if you think I can't turn your ass into filet mignon
And still get home in time for 'Price is Right'
You got another think comin', sweetheart

Now, if you play your cards right
This can be a walk in the park for both of us
Because I don't plan on killin' nothin' today
If I don't have to

This is a brand new matador outfit
And I don't like getting bull blood on it
Until Tuesdays, because that's when I do my wash
So you just got lucky I guess

Now, here's what you're going to do

Don't go snorting at me
Like you don't understand

At my Daddy's ranch
They call me the bull whisperer

I once got a bull
To castrate itself
Without anesthesia
So don't go actin' like
I'm speakin' Canadian to ya
Because we both know that's not the case

Now I want you to make a lot of noise
And start limping around on one of your legs

Ain't nobody here wants to see an injured bull
Get slaughtered

They want a show
And if you're not gonna give 'em one
They'll put you back in the barn
Until you're feelin' better
Then they'll sick you on El Doro next week

And your chances with him'll be a lot better
Than they are with me
You can trust me on that

That man's a walking jelly donut
And about as smart as one too
So you have my permission
To stick him
Like a voodoo doll
Should you be so inclined

All you gotta do is start bendin' that leg
And make a sad little bull face
And I'll head home
With my costume unbesmirched

Do we have a deal?

Excellent

Mr. Bull, you seem to have a good bit of common sense in ya

If I didn't know better
I'd swear you were a cow

The People with Umbrellas in the Snow

There are people with umbrellas
In the snow

Scared to touch it
Scared to let it fall on them

They have been told
That if they stop looking up at it
The snow will not bother them so much

But they are more concerned
About not being bothered by it

'When will it stop,' they ask each other
'It has to stop eventually,' they tell each other
'Do you like my umbrella,' they ask each other
'I've had quite enough,' they say to each other, but really, to nobody

They stand outside tall buildings
Hoping the height of the structural behemoths
Might catch some of the precipitation
And it does--catch some of it
But not all of it--not by a long shot

So they huddle together
And create a sort of canopy of umbrellas
Under which they throw a cocktail party
Taking turns holding up the multi-colored roof

Someone pulls a guitar out of a guitar case
And begins taking requests
And every request is made
Except for 'Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow'

'It wouldn't be so bad if it were the holidays,' says one person
'It wouldn't be so bad if it were winter,' says another
'It wouldn't be so bad if we knew when it would stop,' said a third

Everybody begins to dance
And soon people are mixing up umbrellas
And the roof is handed off
To people when it isn't even their turn
And so the roof begins to move
And as it does
Snow begins to fall through the gaps
And the people with the umbrellas in the snow
Find themselves with snow on their shoulders
And in their hair
And on their feet

And surprisingly, they find themselves liking the way that it feels

Soon the street is littered with umbrellas
And the party goes on
With no roof in sight

Light bounces off the snow
As it falls on the people
The people who now dance in the snow

The person with the guitar
Plays and plays
And a little girl named Clara
Looks down from the highest floor
In that tall, tall building
At all the people below

'Clara,' a voice says, it's her mother

'Honey,' she says, 'I'm done for the day.  Let's go home.'

And when Clara looks down again
There's a little snow globe in front of her
With little dancing people in front of a large building
Like the one she's sitting in

Next to the building is a park made of snow
With tiny snowmen dancing around
A beautiful woman made entirely of snow

And, only in the reflection, Clara sees a man
An explorer, with a helmet on and everything
Who seems to be disappearing deeper and deeper
Into the cool, blue glass

'Clara,' said her mother, 'Are you ready?  I want to get home before it starts to snow.'

Clara tucked her snow globe
Safely into her pink backpack
And said--

'Yes, I'm ready'

And as her mother took her hand
And led her out of the office

Umbrellas came floating up
Into the sky
As the first flakes of snow
Began to fall

Death on a Park Bench

If you like
I can come back
Tomorrow

It wouldn't be a problem
I'm already rather busy today
And the paperwork
Getting you in
Is going to set me back a few hours

That means a one hundred and two year old man
Is going to get to experience
One more day
Which would be nice for him
Because he'd like to see the season finale of 'Law and Order: SVU' before he dies
Provided that there isn't a cliffhanger

The question is
If you know I'm coming back tomorrow
Will you waste your time
Trying to do something
To prevent me from coming back?

Because frankly
I don't feel like going on some wild goose hunt
To see if you're hiding
In a church
Or a hospital
Or in some public place
Where you think people will notice
If you suddenly drop dead
As if that would matter

As if it would matter
If they noticed

I don't care if they notice
They know who I am
And most of them will just be glad
That I was there to meet you instead of them

But yes, I will come back tomorrow
If you agree to be here tomorrow
Waiting for me

It'll be a lovely day outside
Much like it is now
And you can enjoy it
For an hour or two
Before I arrive

In the meantime, do what you like
But make it something good
So we don't have to do any of that negotiating tomorrow

I don't mind dealing with denial
But negotiating gets on my nerves

I suppose you could get a pizza or--

Here?

You're just going to stay here?

On this bench?

All night?

Well that's--

Well, I wouldn't recommend doing that

Well, because--where does that get you?

Clearly nowhere
I mean, you're on the bench now

Don't you want to do something
With your last day on Earth?

Don't you want to have fun
And go crazy
And live it up?

All right, all right
Listen

Normally, I wouldn't be this frank
But you're not leaving me much of a choice

You have to get up from this bench
And go about your life for the night
Because that's...

You see, I showed up a little...early

I'm not actually doing you a favor
By coming back tomorrow

I'm actually just covering my own ass
But I need you to get up
And go--uh--do things

Do lots of things
Do many, many things

Look, eventually you're going to have to get up from this bench
And when you do, you're going to do something
That is going to result
In you dying

Now when that happens
I'm going to come get you
And there's not much you can do about it

Well, yes I suppose you can just keep sitting on this bench
But you cannot sit on this bench forever, correct?

Am I correct?

Fine

You know what?

On second thought
I think I will just sit

It's a lovely day after all

Of course, it won't always be so lovely
And eventually, one of us
Is going to have
To move

The Bears Discuss Hibernation

"Hey, crazy idea--"
"We're not doing a timeshare with the moose."
"No, I--"
"I don't care how fun you think it'll be.  It won't be.  It will not be fun.  They smell.  The moose smell."
"I was going to say--"
"I mean, I realize we smell, but that's like--our smell.  That's our bear smell.  I can handle our smell.  I don't need to be smelling moose."
"I DON'T WANT TO HIBERNATE!"

. . . . .

"So...when did this happen?"
"I've been thinking about it for awhile."
"And were you ever going to tell me?"
"I didn't know how."
"Oh please, Jonathan!"
"Kit, do you think I like that I'm feeling this way?  Do you think this is fun for me?"
"Apparently it is, because otherwise you wouldn't be doing it!"
"Oh, come on!"
"Suddenly hibernation isn't good enough for me.  What else isn't good enough for you?  Am I good enough for you?"
"Of course you are!  But I want to spend time with you!  I don't want to just sleep next to you for months on end!"
"...Well...what else would we do?"
"I don't know!"
"Okay, well, you don't have to shout."
"I'm sorry, I just...I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
"Kit, we miss an entire season.  One whole season--gone!"
"A cold season."
"A season of our lives, Kit!"
"A cold season of our lives--filled with cold."
"That's still time we're alive spent on sleep!"
"Jonathan, we have to sleep.  We have to hibernate.  It's who we are!"
"Maybe it's who you are..."
"...What's THAT supposed to mean?"
"It means...It means I'm sick of having these labels placed on me."
"What labels?  What are you talking about?"
"Bear.  Mammal.  Hibernator.  I'm more than that!"
"Have you been listening to the squirrels again?"
"Kit--"
"Because the squirrels don't love you, Jonathan.  I love you.  I care about what happens to you.  You have to sleep through winter.  You won't survive if you're coherent in the middle of February!  Don't you think if it were possible to do that other animals would be doing it?"
"People do it!"
"That's just an urban legend!  People don't stay awake all winter!  They just put on an extra layer of skin and eat the elderly amongst them to keep warm!  Is that what you want for us?"
"I want to be alive!  Fully alive!  Not just surviving!"
"Jonathan--"
"Kit--"
"Jonathan--"
"Kit--I'm staying awake through winter."
"But--"
"You can sleep if you want to.  I have that book those campers left behind."
"The Secret?"
"I'm really interested to know what it is.  I think it might be that honey isn't actually all that good for us."
"So while I sleep you're just going to...stay up?"
"It'll be okay.  I can...you know...watch you."
"Watch me?"
"Yeah."
"Jonathan?"
"Yeah?"
"That's creepy."
"I mean, like, I can--watch over you.  Keep an eye on you.  Make sure you're...safe."
"But then who will watch over you?"
"Well, nobody's done it before."
"I know, but..."
"It'll be okay."
"I guess."
"It will."
"I guess."

. . . . .

"Jonathan?"
"Yeah?"
"Maybe I will stay up with you."
"Really?"
"Well, not for, like, the whole winter, but...maybe...a month or so?  Maybe just to make sure you...don't get cold...or anything."
"Okay, that would be nice."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Okay then."
"Yeah."
"Who knows?  It might be fun.  I haven't stayed up late in a long, long time."

Louie in the Street

Three o'clock and all is well

Well, you know, except for like--my life

Life is not well

Well, perseptively--is that a word?--Perspectively, life is...it's...

Fuck, I'm drunk

On a fucking Tuesday night, Wednesday morning

When does one become the other?

Who the fuck knows?

Don't you hate that moment
When everybody goes home?

When all the people
At all the parties
Head out
And go home
And sleep
And wake up
And it's like...

It's like tonight just didn't happen?

It's like we were all different people
Doing different shit
And none of it mattered
Because sunshine is bleach
And it kills every fun thing it touches

Tonight I was me
And tomorrow I'll be me

But tomorrow she'll be a girl
Who remembers some guy
Saying something to her
That might or might not have been a compliment

She'll go to her office
Or her studio
Or her whatever
And she'll try to put together
The pieces of tonight

Or maybe she won't even--

Maybe she'll just have her coffee
And her do her work
And not realize
That she changed some guy's life tonight

Some guy lying in the street
Waiting to feel daylight
So he can get up
And go back to his shitty apartment
And his fucked up nothingness
And finally do something
So that the next time he runs into a girl that great
He can have something to say for himself

'Til then I'm just Louie in the street

Louie looking up at the sky

Louie in the streetlight

Drunk Louie

Loser Louie

Louie Louie

I'll wait here 'til the sun comes down on me
I'll wait here 'til it erases me

'Til it makes me
Somebody else

A Man Comes Walking Down the Street

A man comes walking down the street
Walking along, humming a tune
At a quarter to two

A tune you've heard
Somewhere before

Can you close the door?
Can you close the door quickly?
Can you close it at all?

Can you lock it
And leave it
Alone?

Do you check every night
To see if the light
Down the street
Is shining on someone it shouldn't?

If he comes up the street
Will you meet him head-on
To show him
How fearless you are?

If he's not there
Is he really not there?

Or is he behind another house
Or leaning against a car?

Or counting how many steps
It would take him to get
From where he is
To where you are
And realizing
It's not that far

A man comes walking down the street
And who can say what he wants?

He might want to be friends
Or just say a few words
Or just move right past you
And never look back again

Maybe he's scary
But what makes him scary?

What makes him a figure of dread?

Is it him that does it
Or the surroundings he's in?

Is it his face
Or the way
The darkness hits it

Is it his smile
Or the fact
That he's smiling
At an hour of night
When nothing seems right
To go smiling about

What are you thinking
When you know he's there?

What are you thinking
At a quarter to two

And when you hear his footsteps
What can you do?

What can you do
If it turns out

He's walking towards you

A Long Walk on the Bridge

I guess you wanted
To take a long walk
On the bridge, huh?

Fine by me, baby
Fine by me

Two plus two and three, you know?

You ever look over the side?

Of the bridge?

Ever take a peek?

I've peeked

I like to see how far up I am

I like to feel it

Being high up

I like the feeling of it

You getting tired of me, baby?

You thinking about leaving?

That's what walks on bridges are for, aren't they?

To have a long talk
To have a good long talk
And let somebody down
Easy

Is that what you're gonna do, baby?

You gonna let me down
Nice and easy?

And what if I got other plans, huh?

What if I got other plans for you?

For your walk?

For our little stroll over the bridge?

What then, huh?

Touché, baby, right?

Touché?

Bet you didn't know I speak French
Bet you didn't know a lot of things

Bet you didn't know I unloaded that gun in your pocket
Before we left the house

Don't bother checking, baby
You know I don't lie

Did I ever lie when I told you I was getting it?

When I told you I was going out
And what I was going out for?

Was I ever dishonest about it?

You thought this was going to be easy, huh?

Putting me down like a dog?

Thought I wasn't going to fight?

Thought I have no appreciation
No value
For life?

Nooo...no no no...you're wrong, baby

You're oh so wrong

'Cause see

I'd stick around

Just to get it

One more time

Just to feel it
One more time

I don't hate being alive
As much as I love getting it

So I gotta stay here, baby

But that doesn't mean you do

You don't have anything left to stay for
Do you?

And if you do
You shouldn't

I know I haven't given you anything to stay for

So what are you staying for, huh?

What are you hanging around for?

Who's giving you something to stay for?

You think 'cause I'm in it right now
I'm dumb?

I'm too dumb to load my own gun?

Too dumb to own one?

Too attached to do to you
What you were going to do to me?

Maybe I don't want your pity
Any more than you want me
As your burden

So why don't we keep walking, huh?

Why don't we forget all about this
And just keep
Walking

Cousteau on the Beach

I have just returned
From an underwater snow park
Where a little girl
Is ruling with generosity
While Winter vacations on the shore

The snowmen have chased away all the fish
But in spite of that, it is a delightful little city

I took my friend Mariella there
But she prefers chlorinated water
Over the salty sea
So we weren't there but a few days
When she packed up her little dog Stanley
And rose up to the surface

I'm used to people leaving me

Water, like many a thing
Is fluid

And so people float
And float back

I choose to go with the flow
As they say

It is the easiest way to be

I sit on this beach
As I have sat on many a beach
Eager to run back into the water
And explore

My mother would make me take an umbrella
Whenever I would go swimming
So that I wouldn't get my head wet
And catch cold

She was a very thoughtful woman
If not altogether right in the brain

I washed up on this beach eight days ago
And since then I have spent the time
Drying off and eating sand hamwiches

A little cabin was built for me
By a little girl
Who says she knows my Mariella
And knows how I must miss her

We would sit in the cabin
In front of a roaring seaweed fire
And tell stories about our travels

She would tell me about the supermarket
And the post office
And all the other places
She dreams of going one day
Without her parents making her hold their hand so tight

And I told her about a cafe
In the belly of a whale
Run by a little boy
With a very big nose

The little girl had to go back to school just yesterday
And so I have thought about
Going back into the blue, blue water

It is home, you know

But home
Can get lonely
From time to time

I think of all that I have seen
And I do wish, I do
That I had seen it all
With someone

I tell so many stories
That they begin to grow and grow details
That were not there before

They become lies

And there is no one there to correct me
To keep me in the truth

And so I can tell that my stories
Are not what they once were

They are overdecorated
They are silly
They are sad

And yet, they are my life

And so my life becomes the same

Still, I have not given up hope
That one day I will swim into someone
Who will remove my helmet
And put an umbrella over my head
To keep me from being cold

Perhaps I will swim into Mariella again

Either way, I will not stop exploring
Experiencing my stories

And until someone witnesses them with me
I will simply tuck them away somewhere

Somewhere they will be safe
Until they are ready to share

Jenny's Growing Pains

Mother, before you get upset
About this mess

I would like to inform you
That I am having growing pains

Now, I don't want to alarm you
As they only just started recently
And so far, I've been dealing with them fairly well

Mr. Bear has reccomended me to a specialist
Who can, allegedly, work wonders

The mess you are seeing, however
Is not the result of a misbehaving child
But rather, the side effects
Of a very serious condition

The doll clothing flung throughout the room
Is simply my way of coming to terms
With my gender limitations

So much pressure is put on young women, Mother
Surely you must be aware of that

You can't blame me for wanting to strip off those limitations
And throw them all around my room
With reckless abandon

The food smeared on the walls
Is simply a six-year-old
Dealing with the influence the media has on me
When it comes to what I eat

I looked at that brownie you tried feeding me yesterday
And something inside me snapped

The next thing I knew
I was raiding the kitchen for pre-made frosting
And covering my dollhouse in it

Barbie is to blame for all this rage, isn't she?
Why shouldn't she suffer for it?

As for the dirt pile in the corner
That was my way of trying to reconnect with the Earth
To try to come to an understanding
About life and death
About the ground
Into which I will one day be placed
Many, many, many years after you are, Mother

All this is simple psychology
As Mr. Bear explained to me

I would love to help you clean up
But I'm afraid it might cause me to have flashbacks
To my unfortunate episode
And where would that get us?

Not far at all

I appreciate your empathy, Mother
And as soon as you're done tidying all this up
I look forward to having a conversation with you about it
In the living room

Just please try to be quiet
In the event that I'm watching 'Sally the Sea Lion'

It's my favorite cartoon
And I have so few moments to myself
These days

The Choreographer

Okay, everybody
Listen up

When I was asked to choreograph an opera
My first thought was--

Wow, all that singing!

All those voices
Coming together
To create a tapestry of song!

What a SNOOZEFEST!

Then, I said to myself--

'Hey there, are you or are you not a creative genius?'

And I responded with--

'Well, yes, I am.'

That's when it hit me

I could be to opera
What Salk was to polio

--The cure!

That's when I took the job of turning this clunker called 'La Baloney'
Into something worthwhile

First step, no more just standing around and singing

From now on, you singers have to EARN your paychecks

I want constant movement

If you're standing onstage, you should be thinking to yourself
Why aren't I moving somewhere?
Am I capable of moving?
If I'm not, how did I get in this show?
Am I someone's nephew?

Charlie, don't ask yourself that last question
I don't want you getting upset before dinner at Nana's tonight

Don't worry about having a reason to move

People are always complaining
That people in my shows
Move for no reason

You know what I say to that?

If you're not moving, you're dead
And if you want to see a bunch of dead people onstage
I suggest you check out Earth, Wind, and Fire in concert

The entire arena smelled like embalming fluid

We don't need reasons to move in life
Do you know how often I scale large trees
And tap dance on the branches
Just because I can?

Because I can!  There's a reason for you

We want to constantly be distracting the audience
So they don't notice that we're not singing anything in English

You think people want to sit down and listen
To a bunch of people singing gobble-dee-gook?

That would be like paying to go to the DMV

Everybody, I'm going to let you in on a little secret:

All theater is boring

99.999% of theater left to its own devices
Is completely unwatchable

And do you know what that .001% is?

All the shows I've choreographed

I wish I could do more, ladies and gentlemen
I really do
But I'm only one person

Nevertheless, it's our job as performers
To fool the audience
Into thinking
That what they're watching
Is entertaining

Now if that means lighting ourselves on fire
While fuoette-ing until we throw up on ourselves
Then that's what we have to do

Now let's take it from the top of the show
And see if we can slap some paint
On this money pit

Nobody said art was easy, everybody
Except maybe me when I was drunk last night
And that might be the only time
I was wrong

Clara and the Snow Park

Clara goes to the snow park
In early April, each year

When there's less and less dark
And springtime is near

She has to bring news
That Spring is arriving

So she gets on the bike
That she uses for driving

When Clara got there this year, however
She is met by the Winter, her least favorite weather

'Little Girl,' said the Winter, 'I want to see the sunshine this year'
She said with the hope of inspiring fear

'I want to get warm
So I'm not leaving here.'

But Clara has met
Many winters before

And this Winter won't know
What she has in store

'Winter,' says Clara, 'Stay if you like'
Then she puts on her backpack, and remounts her bike

'Really?' says Winter
Feeling rather confused

'Yes, really' says Clara
Confirming the news

But the Winter spins her bike around
Lifts up the small girl and puts her on the ground

'Now wait a minute,' says Winter, 'That was too fast.
You should be more concerned about how long I last.'

Clara shugs and tugs on her brand new blue jeans
'If you want to stay, then that's just fine with me.

I'll run the Snow Park, while you go to the beach
And if I need you, you're well within reach.'

'The beach?' said the Winter, 'But I don't like the beach!'
'Like it or not,' said Clara, 'That's where you'll be.

When July arrives, that's where we all go
But I'll remain here and take care of your snow.'

The Winter was left without much of a choice
And once Winter was gone, the snowmen rejoiced

'Hail Clara,' they said, 'For she's our new Queen!
She's smaller, perhaps, but not nearly as mean!'

While Clara was Queen, the Snow Park was fun
Simply because of how well it was run

Clara had ice swimming in all of the pools
She loved happy snowmen and she didn't like rules

There were snow feasts each night
With tons of snow candy

There was never a fight
Unless snowballs were handy

When Winter came back
From her time at the shore

She saw all the fun that was had
And felt sore

'I missed my snowmen,' the Queen said, quite teary
'And all of that sun made me weepy and weary.'

'All right,' said Queen Clara, marching straight to her bike
'I had a feeling it's not something you'd like.'

The snowmen all begged little Clara to stay
But she hugged them all tight and then bid them good day

'Don't worry,' said Clara in a hush as she bowed
'I think your Old Queen will be much nicer now'

And with that she was off
With a smile and a wave

And on the road she met Spring
Coming out of a cave

'Is it safe to arrive?'
Asked the Spring of the girl

'Of course,' replied Clara
'Welcome back to the world.'

Mrs. Brugel Does Her Taxes

Hello kids!

Today, we're going to be doing something very special

Mrs. Brugel's taxes!

Now, as you can see
There are piles of receipts
On each one of your desks

I need you to go through the receipts
And pull out anything that looks like
It might have something to do
With what Mrs. Brugel does for work

For example, 'art supplies' or 'pencil sharpeners' or 'Beanie Babies Off Ebay'

...Remember when we had Beanie Baby day?  And I brought in photos of me holding all my Beanie Babies for you to look at...but not touch?  Remember?

That's called a 'write-off'

You can 'write-off' all kinds of things, children
And you should
Because otherwise the government
Makes you pay extra for things
You need to survive

Like gasoline for your car
And sweaters for your ferrets
And lunches with your boss
That turn into weekend getaways
That turn into messy divorces...

You know, necessities

Remember when we learned the word 'necessities?'

Those are necessities

But you need receipts to prove that you bought those necessities
And that's why we're doing this little project
Because the government doesn't trust us, children
And that's okay, because we don't trust the government either
Which is why Mrs. Brugel has us do our militia drills everyday
Isn't that right?

Some people think we shouldn't even have to pay taxes, children
And do you know who those people were?

The Founding Fathers

They hated taxes so much
That they broke away from England
Dumped hot chocolate in Lake Huron
And then taxed us even harder than the Brits

Which just goes to show you
All men are the same

Now, while you're sorting
Someone see if you can find out how much I paid
For my vintage Goldie Hawn on 'Laugh-In' doll

I think that salesgirl overcharged me

This, children, is why it's important
To keep good records

The North Providence Greeting Card Company

Hullo, my name is Vinny Diaranzo
And I am the terd generation of men
Who seek to bring you
The best in greeting cards

Why buy Hallllllllmark
When you can get my family's cards
For half the price
And twice the quality?

Listen to some of dese cards--

'To My Wife on Valentine's Day--I told you I wouldn't forget this year!'

--Or this one--

'To My Son for His Confirmation--Now all we gotta do is get you laid and you'll really be a may.  Ayyy!'

--Or how about this one--

'To My Brother On His Wedding Day--You found the one chick in town I didn't bang.  Congratulations.'

You ain't gonna find that one
In a Halllllllmark store

Right?

We got cards for all your ocassions

Birthdays
Christmas
'Sorry about your girlfriend getting knocked up when you just got that football scholarship' cards

We cover everything!

I myself wrote this one--

'I'm so sorry about the passing of your great-grandmother--but stop your pissing and moaning, she was eighty-six!  Grow a set!  ...And continue to mourn.'

What can I say?

Talent runs in the family

The Dorm Room of Lust

Well, hello

I'm so glad you could make it
To my little soiree

Can I offer some wine
Mixed with mountain dew
Poured into a Porky Pig coffee mug?

I smuggled in the liq-uer
While my R.A. was helping some girl
Puke into a wastebasket

One girl's tragedy
Is another man's spirits
Am I right?

Have a seat on my sleeping place

I'd sit with you
But...there really isn't room

Perhaps later we can both fit
If we...cling to each other
The way the dust
Clings to my Star Wars lamp

Do you like that I stapled red tissue paper to it
To create a sense of ambiance?

I thought you would

Perhaps we should put something in our gullies
Before we move onto more carnal activities

Would you care for some Ritz crackers wrapped in Ramen noodles?
Maybe some cool Ranch Doritos dipped in assorted condiments
That I've mixed together to create various sauces?

I call this one 'mayoketstard'

I only have one request, my darling

My lovemaking has been known to incite
Boisterous response
From any girl lucky enough to experience it

But I must ask you, beseech you, really
To try and stifle your cries of ecstasy

You see these brick walls
Are not real brick
But merely asbestos and Dip 'N Stick powder
Caked together and shaped to look like brick

My neighbors are able to hear
Everything that goes on in this room
And I've already been written up twice
For playing Sade too loudly
During one of my...sessions

If you need something to scream into
Please feel free to use the various sweatshirts
I keep scattered around the room

The Oxford sweatshirt is the one that was washed most recently
So that might be your best bet

Oh ho ho ho, no I never went to Harvard
I just refuse to wear the sweatshirt of the school I actually go to
Ha ha ha how silly that would be!

Now, if you'll please remove your clothing
We can begin

If you like, you can deposit all of your attire
On top of my 'Pirates of the Caribbean' trash basket

Ahoy matey

Ahoy

Burger King, 4am

You know how we live somewhere cool?

Here's how

Burger King, 4am

That's how

How many other places in the world
Can you be hanging out
At a Burger King
At 4am?

That's pretty damn cool, right?

And not even 4am on a Saturday
4am on a TUESDAY

That's how you know
You're living in a place
With some culture

With some city life
You know what I mean?

Think about the night we had tonight

Hitting up some girls at Cumberland Farms
Hitting up some girls at 7-11
Hitting up some girls at the Hess Station

You realize there are people
Who did NOTHING tonight?

Who just sat around watching tv
Being boring?

Man, if I ever wind up like that
Just tell me

Be like, Man, you're lame
And I'll be like, damn I am
And we'll go get some food
Right here, okay?

Right here, let's make a pact

We're never going to be boring
And we're never going to be lame
And we're never going to do nothing
Even when we turn eighteen
And go to college
And everybody's telling us
We need to study more

We're still gonna be ourselves
And stay up until 4am
Until that girl gets off her shift
So we can see which of us
She likes better
Even though we know it's me

We're still gonna be city boys, right?

What's the point of being from somewhere cool
If you don't take advantage of it, you know what I mean?

If you got a Burger King
That stays open all night
What's the point of going at five
When everybody else does?

If you got an all-nite Burger King
Then you better be there at 4am
With your four best friends
Waiting for the rest of the world to wake up
So they can see the bags under your eyes
And know that you've been livin'
While they were sleepin'

That's how you gotta be

That's a fortune cookie right there

That's how you gotta look
At everything

I Kinda Like the Guy in My Bed

I kinda like the guy in my bed

Last night he told me
Some stupid joke
And I laughed

I never laugh at jokes

It was something about a turtle
And how he has a crush
On a nun

Or wait, maybe it was a nun
And a genie
Riding the subway together

I can't remember

Then he danced with me
And he said he liked me

And he did, he liked me
And I liked him too

My friend Chrissy
She just started dating this guy
And she says they're dating
Because they enjoy each other's company
And the sex is good

She said it like that's all there is to it

Good company and good sex

I told her with tits like hers
The company should always be good
And the sex should be even better

She doesn't like when I'm crass
But I don't like listening to her go on
About how she's not getting any younger
And neither am I
And we both gotta settle down
Before the music stops
And there aren't any chairs left

Well, screw that

I'm going to be with people who like me
Not just people who enjoy conversing with me
And know what to do
Once the clothing's off

I want someone to dance with me
And look at me
Like I'm marvelous
Because fuck if I ain't

I'm a goddamn Alaskan sunrise
When I wanna be
And you can go ahead
And stop that music
Because I'm not sitting
'Til I'm good and ready

That guy in my bed
May not be as good a boyfriend
As Chrissy's is

But he was crazy about me
And even if he wakes up
And that's all gone

I still got one more night of feeling special
Than Chrissy's gonna get
For the rest of her whole life

And I got a few other things too

So I'll let Chrissy have her company
While I go make mine
Some breakfast

Let's see how he turns out

Either way
It was one hell of a night

Why You Have to Brush Your Teeth

You have to brush your teeth
Because if you don't
When you go to bed
Your teeth will feel so dirty
That they'll climb out of your mouth
And hop right into the bathtub

And once they've taken a bath
And they feel climb and fresh
They'll be wide awake
And so they won't want to go
Right back to bed
The way they should

Even though it's past their bedtime

Instead, they'll put on fancy dresses
And pretty shoes
Like the ones I like to wear
That the dog likes to eat

And they'll call a taxi
And yes, there are special taxi cabs
For teeth that are looking
For a night on the town

The Tooth Fairy's in charge of all that
And yes, it would seem her empire
Is expanding
And we're very happy for her

Anyway, back to your teeth--

They'll go all the way into the city
Where they'll meet handsome men
With long mustaches
And these men will keep them up all night dancing
And even though teeth are usually awfully good at telling time
The mustaches on the dancing men
Will hypnotize your teeth
And by the time they finally realize
That it's almost morning
It'll be too late to call a cab

And so they'll call here very upset
And we'll all have to get into the car
Even Boxer and Mitsy
And we'll all have to drive down to the city
To pick up your teeth
And then you'll have to speak to them when they get home
And tell them about responsibility
And how they'll have to be grounded
And that means no pineapple fluoride
The next time they go to the dentist
Just plain old mint

And they'll say to you--

'But if you were responsible and brushed us, this never would have happened!'

And they'll have a point, my darlings
They will have a very good point

And you, the caretaker of your teeth
Will be saying one thing
Having done another

And even though that happens
From time to time
When you're put in charge
Of things smaller than you

It's best to avoid it if you can

So, brush your teeth
And I'll send Grandma in
To tell you a story

Where am I going?

Well, uh, your father forgot to brush his teeth last night
And now we have to go out
And do some dancing
And see if we can find them

Oh no, darlings
You don't have to come--this time

You wouldn't want to see your father without teeth
It's not a pretty sight

Marie, Upstairs

Yeah, man
I'll be up in a second

Yeah, man
In a second

I'm just, you know
Getting my shit up
You know?

Getting my shit together
Getting it all in a row
Getting it right, you know?

Marie's upstairs, man

She showed up
And I wasn't, like
Expecting to see her
You know
Because
I told Frankie to tell her
That I like her
And I didn't think she'd show up
Knowing I was here
Because then she'd know
I was going to lay it out for her
Like, I like you
What are you going to do about it?
But I wasn't planning on doing that tonight
Like I didn't plan a speech or nothin'
So instead I had to go out the fire escape
And chill down here
Until I could sort my shit out

Yeah, yeah
I hear them up there
Having fun

Well, shit
I don't need to have fun
I don't go to parties to have fun
I go to parties
To let everybody know
My shit is present

It is present
In this community
It is around, you know?

I'm all around you

I'm like the Lord

And Marie
She's like, gee
She's like--
She's like...

She blew the Lord
Out onto the fire escape
And down to the sidewalk

. . . . .

How'm I gonna talk to that girl, man?

I can't even look at that girl

People keep coming down
Saying--

'When you comin' up?  Marie wants to see you'

And I keep sayin--

'Not yet, not yet'

Can't let Marie see me all nervous

She didn't come here tonight
To see some guy shaking
In his chucks

She came to see a king
Not no doormat
Not no chalk drawing
Not no chump

She came to see me
Not even knowing
Who I am

So who'm I gonna show her, huh?

Who'm I supposta be?

Huh?

What they saying?

What?

Oh shit, man

I guess she ain't waitin' no more

I can't go upstairs
To see Marie

So now Marie's comin' down
To come see me

Martha Stewart and the Hipsters

You know, I was the first locavore

It's true

I only eat things
That have been grown
Directly in front of my face

I'm currently looking at three tomatoes
Resting mere feet from my self-dug koi pond
Waiting for just the right moment
To strike

You know, you can make those ironic sunglasses you're wearing
Using the bottoms of a few plastic cups
After you've done playing beer pong with them

Does anyone else want a canape?
If you'll notice--

My serving tray
Has been made
By recycling an old vinyl copy
Of Huey Lewis and the News: Live in Detroit

They were so gauche
They were posh
Am I right?

Oh, and that Huey...

Dear me, it's almost four pm
We were supposed to be making our 'Fight the Power'
Origami t-shirts by now!

Have you ever worn carefully folded paper, kids?

It's an exhilarating feeling

After we're done with that
We can put sarcastic sayings on baseball hats
Using these stencils I've made

All sarcastic sayings look better
When done in the proper Arial font

Ah, you hipsters remind me of when I was young

Sticking it to the man
Making love to strangers
Frosting cake using a spoon
Instead of a pastry bag

Those were wild times

Thank goodness you all came over
To protest me dumping all those lace doilies
That didn't turn out right
Into the harbor

Although to be fair
You were only there
Because you were all throwing up into the harbor
After drinking too much at that Radiohead cover band concert

Vomit or lace--which do you think the ocean prefers, children?

Well, don't worry about it now

We've all made friends
And now we're going to take our herbal cigarettes
And turn them into potpourri holders

Now, doesn't that sound like fun?

The Stars Talk to Roger

You have been lied to, Roger

Many, many people have lied to you
And this...

...Is an unfortunate thing

If you look up and to the left
You will see yourself at seven
Being jokingly yet not-all-that-jokingly told
By your mother
That you were her 'little doctor'
And so here you are
Twenty years later

About to be a doctor

We would advise against it

You don't necessarily have to take our word for it
But we are the stars

We do know certain things

More than that, we advise

We give advice

It's not always good advice
Because sometimes it's something like--

'Don't bother quitting smoking because a bus is going to hit you tomorrow.'

--or--

'Go ahead and have that drink.  You're going to need to be slightly inebriated when you find out your wife is cheating on you with the seventeen-year-old who bags your groceries.'

You see, it's not always bad advice
It just doesn't always come with
Good news

We're guessing you want our advice, Roger
Because you're sitting on a hill
Underneath us

You drove for two hours
So you could get a clear view
Without city lights'
Obstruction

Isn't it funny how light can obstruct light?

Darkness makes friends with itself
But light battles light

We think someone wrote a poem like that one night
After making love to a very lovely woman
While gazing up at us the entire time

Unfortunately he never wrote it down
And once the passion had passed
All he could think to say was--

'How shall I compare thee to a--'

Something something

We were never much for poetry
We inspire it, but that doesn't make us fans of it

Anyway, back to you, Roger
And your conundrum

You're in love and you shouldn't be
Are we right?

You have that torn look
That tears in a such way
That either one thing must be done
Or the other

And either result is both dramatic
And irreversible

That's always the hardest kind of torn

You're not the first guy to ever peer over twenty-seven
To get a sneak peek at thirty
Who didn't like what they saw

The important thing to remember
Is that if you realized your life was going wrong
A day before it was about to end
It would still be worth turning it around
To have that last day be better

A day lived truthfully
Is always better
Than a day full of lies

There's your sage wisdom
Here's your advice--

You don't want to be a doctor
So don't be a doctor

You don't want to be dating that idiot
Whose country club pedigree impresses your parents
So break up with her

You don't want to wind up
Sitting on this hill again in twenty years
Wondering why your kids hate you
And why you hate yourself even more

You came here to talk to us
But guess what, you got lucky
We're talking to you instead

And we're telling you
To get back in the car
And go back to your life
And try talking to bodies
That are not celestial

Only keep the people in your life
Who want you to live it
The way you need to

If you look to the right
You will see a sea of faces
These are the faces
Of the people
Who have been
Where you are now

Roger, explorers have sat under us
And astronomers, obviously
And artists and criminals
And lovers and inventors
And friends and children

Some of the loneliest and the richest people in history
Have sat right where you're sitting now
And they all got the same advice
Except some of them took it
And some of them didn't

The advice is--

If you had the power to break it, then you have the power to fix it.

So fix it

Don't live a life looking up at us
Live a life for us to watch
And admire

But most of all, if you decide to become a poet
And from the look in your eyes
It does seem like that's the way things are going
So, if you decide to become a poet

Please

Keep a pen handy

You never know
When we'll inspire you

How to Kiss a Purple Man

If you want to kiss a purple man
You have to forget that he's purple

Or at least act like you have

'Oh, are you purple?  I hadn't noticed.'

Act very blahs-ay about it
Blahs-ay is when you act like you don’t care
When you actually care quite a bit

‘Oh, are you purple?  Yes, I suppose you are.  Well, I hardly ever notice that sort of thing.  Now, shall we kiss perhaps?  How enchanting it shall be.  Blah-say, blah-say, blah-say.’

Sometimes people don’t know
That you’re being blahs-ay
So I like to point it out to them

When you kiss a purple man
You have to do it with your eyes open
Because if you close your eyes
He’ll think it’s because you don’t like seeing
How purple he is

Which is not the case

So whatever you do
Don’t close your eyes
And if he has his eyes closed
Slap him on the arm so he’ll open his eyes
And see that you have yours open
Because you don’t care how purple he is

Purple men often kiss you
When you're least expecting it

Like when you're standing underneath a sign
That says--

'Don't worry.  Nobody is going to kiss you here.'

That's when they strike

And what makes it fun
Is that you don't expect it
And the kisses are like kisses from a Prince
Expect sometimes Prince kisses feel like a frog is kissing you
Because the last part of a Prince to become a Prince
Is his lips

Purple men don't have that problem
Their lips aren't froggy at all
Although they can jump very high

They often buy dinner for you
Even if you order fish sticks
Even if you order two orders of fish sticks
And the fancy milkshake

They have a card that is so big
It can carry all that stuff

And they just say--

'Put it on my card.'

And then the waitress
Brings it all out on the card
And that means the Purple man
Paid for it

And then you have to kiss him
But only on the cheek
Because you don't want to give him
The 'wrong idea'

My mom always tells my sister
About 'the wrong idea'
About giving boys 'the wrong idea'

'The wrong idea' is when a boy thinks
He doesn't have to buy your movie ticket
Just because he bought you the fancy milkshake
Because you'll kiss him for real anyway

THAT is 'the wrong idea'

He only gets fake kisses
Until after the movie
And then he gets a real one
And that's only if he's nice

But purple men usually are

I'm telling you
If you haven't kissed a purple man
You simply must--

Oh...

Well...no...

I haven't ever exactly met a purple man...

But at least when I get to meet a purple man
And he falls madly in love with me
And demands to kiss me
I'll know exactly
What to do

Sister Jean Thinks About the Man Who Died

Sister Jean sits on the subway
With her head down

She's thinking
About the man who died

Lying in the street
With the sirens
Still blocks away

She felt him pass

It was not the first time
Someone had died in front of her

But these were different circumstances

She saw the man
A healthy man, she assumed
Running across the street

When the car hit him
It was almost like a movie

A frame appeared around the edges
Of Sister Jean's vision
And for a moment
She was suspended
Much like the man was
In a surreal point of time

The car stopped immediately
And someone yelled 'Call 9-1-1'

But Jean just felt herself slowly move over to the man
Who was lying on the street much like the way
One might be laid out in a coffin

She knelt down next to him
And closed her eyes

'You sayin' a prayer, sister?'

Jean looked down at the man
And found he was looking up at her

'An ambulance is on the way,' she said
'I'm not going to need it, sister.'

There's no fooling
A dying man

'What kind of prayer were you saying?'
'Just a prayer for peace.'
'Can I hear it?'

So Sister Jean said her prayer out loud
For the man

Speaking the words
She found herself feeling foolish
And then she questioned
Why she would feel that way

Wasn't that what she was supposed to do?
Say these words with some sort of sincerity?

She had never had any trouble with faith
And she wasn't sure that was what she was having now
But she certainly felt uncomfortable

She realized how many of her prayers
Had been given to silence

Despite her lack of confidence
When she was finished
The man said--

'Thank you, sister.  That was very nice.'

He sounded like one of her old teachers in school
Complimenting her on a correctly spelled word

Then he closed his eyes
And that was that

She sat with him until the paramedics
Put him in the back of the ambulance

Then she stood on the side of the street
And waited
Until the ambulance drove off
The passerby dispersed
And the street cleared itself
Of the memory
Of the man and the car

As she sat on the subway
She thought about the man who died

Where had he been going?
Who would have to be called?
What more could she have done?

Was it wrong to want to stand and wait
For the city to reset itself?

As she sat, she overheard a young man
Talking to a homeless person
Claiming to be a genie

The homeless genie offered the young man wishes
And the man only asked for one
Something for his little brother

A good thing does not replace a bad thing
A good intention does not eliminate the memory
Of a man dying on the street

But Sister Jean couldn't help but be moved
By the young man's wish

She smiled at him as she got off the subway

'You did a good thing,' she said to him

'I did two good things,' he said, 'I cheered you up, right?'


He must have noticed her
Sitting and looking down
Lost like the city
Lost like the man

'Right,' she says

It wasn't entirely true
But she could see it made the young man happy

She got off the subway
And wondered if his wish would come true

She wondered if a wish from a genie
Was stronger than one of her prayers