Dueling Grandmas

Dear Grandma Joy,

Theater camp is super fun.  I'm making a ton of new friends, and next month, I'm playing the lead role in the musical version of The Social Network.  When I get back home, I'm going to have to teach you how to use a computer so we don't have to write letters back and forth anymore even though you say it's good for a man to learn correspondence, which I think is some sort of math term.  Anyway, I miss you.

Love,
Wally

Dear Wally,

I'm glad you like theater camp.  Your father wanted to send you to karate camp, but I told him that no grandson of mine was going to walk around barefoot all summer in nothing but a kimono.  Those Maine summers can be terribly drafty.  I'm sending you a care package with some necessities in it--novels, suntan lotion, a portable DVD player, and six hundred dollars.  Your father told me that your other grandmother--or as I like to call her--"that woman"--has been sending you homemade cookies.  I said, "Well, I suppose it's better than her eating them.  You're lucky Wally.  You have my metabolism, and your other grandmother has the metabolism of a small elephant.  Not that she isn't a lovely woman.  Anyhoo, I hope you enjoy the care package, and if they don't give you the lead in that all-boy production of Hello Dolly! then let me know so I can buy the camp and fire everyone.

Love, Kisses, and Hugs
Grandma Joy

Dear Grandma Pat,

Thank you for coming to visit last week.  My friend Tobey also wanted me to thank you for pointing out to him that his teeth are crooked and recommending that orthodontist you sent Mother to when she was his age.  He says he'll look into it once summer is finished.  Also, thank you for your offer to take me to London for a few months, but I'm pretty sure October through February is going to be a tough time to get away what with school and S.A.T.'s and all, so maybe a rain check on that?  And once I get my license I'll talk to Mother and Father about getting that chauffeur you were talking about buying me.  I'm assuming a chauffeur is some sort of hybrid car?  It's very generous of you.  Can't wait to see you when I get back.

Love,
Wally

Dear Wally,

Good news!  That lake I bought you will be ready for when you get home.  Provided we have a warm September like last year, I think we'll be able to throw you that Back-to-School party I promised all your friends.  You can even invite that poor boy with the mouth that looks like Stonehenge.  I'll have Dr. Schroeder stop by to give him a free consultation.  I talked to your mother about the London trip and she's still not budging.  I keep telling her that a genius like you would only be suffocated by one more year of schooling, but she refuses to listen.  She's stubborn as a mule, but don't panic.  I plan on faking a terminal illness so that she'll agree to let me spend some 'final bonding time' with my grandson.  She also tells me that Grandma Two has been showering you with cash and expensive gifts.  It's so sad that some people feel the need to buy love like it's some kind of toy.  Oh, by the way, I couldn't decide which color car to get you, so I got both.  Someone your age needs to be given options anyway.

Love Your Favorite Grandmother,
Pat

   Dear Grandma Joy

  Dear Wally

Dear Wally

   Dear Grandma Pat, Thank you for the flatscreen television.  Everybody in my cabin loves it.  We just wish we could get it in from outside, but it won't fit through the door.  Luckily we found an extension cord...

  Dear Wally, I wanted to have your birthday party at the top of the Biltmore but apparently your other Grandmother said--

The top of the Biltmore?  Are we throwing him a birthday party or raising money for a rare disease that only affects gerbils?  I wanted to have your birthday party at a private club in Newport, but Grandma Two asked--

  Ah yes, that ultra-cool hang-out.  Because we all know how much teenagers love a good bocci ball tournament.

   Dear Grandma Joy, Thank you for that butler you sent me.  He's really cool, but I think his British accent is fake.

Dear Wally, I simply refuse to let you go to college until you look into that island I was going to purchase for you.  I mean, if you're going to be King of an indigenous people, why bother getting a degree?

  Dear Wally, Your father keeps telling me that I should stop building that addition onto my house for you to live in while you go through the turbulent times that are your twenties, but luckily, I stopped listening to him after he told me that having a flag with your name on it put on Mars was an 'extravagant purchase.'  Honestly, it's just a flag!

   Dear Grandmas, I really appreciate everything you're doing for me, but I think I need to start paying my own way in life.

  Is that a joke?

'Paying your own way?'  You mean you're becoming a hobo?

   I love you both very much, but I am going to college in the Fall, and I'm living in the dorms.

The dorms?!?!

  Wally, do you have any idea how much bacteria there is on your average common room sofa?  I know someone who caught lupus just by sitting on one of those.

   I'll still write all the time.  And I'll come visit when I can, but I think it's important that I do this.  I'll see you both when I get home in August.  Love, Wally.

(Pause.)

  You know...

Come to think of it...

I've always wanted to go back to school./I've always wanted to go back to school.