This Friggin' Dog

Melinanina?

Melinanina, it's your sister

Your sister!

How many friggin' sisters do you have?

Never mind me, I'm sorry

I'm all in a tizzy
Because of this friggin' dog

The little bastard ate my tuna sandwich!

I put a tuna sandwich down on the floor
So I could look under the couch
For that nickel I dropped last week
And he scooped it up in his mouth
Like Tarzan the friggin' Dogman
Comin' down from the grapevine

Look at him sittin' over there
Lickin' his chops

You proud of yourself?

Huh?

Look at him smirk

I think your nephew Benny taught him to smirk like that

Can't even put a tuna sandwich down on my own floor
Without worrying about being terrorized
By Kujo over there

Melinanina, this dog has destroyed my house

There is not a surface in this house
He has not peed on, scratched, or humped

Everything has been contaminated

I gotta walk around my living room
In a Hazmat suit now

Can you believe that?

I feel like I'm living in a third world country
Like Spain or Scotland
With the goats roaming in the streets

Don't tell me how clean dog saliva is, Melinanina

I've seen that dog do things with his private parts
I don't even do to my husband on our anniversary

You want me to send over some of his saliva
So you can clean your countertops with it?

You know Benny's supposed to take care of this dog
And what does he do?

Picks his nose
Plays his Gamebox
And watches me chase the dog down the street
Every time his leash breaks
Like Sally the Dogcatcher

I've had it, Melinanina
I've had it with this friggin' dog

What?

Give him away?

What are you NUTS?

He's part of the family!

That dog is like my son

You want me to give my son away?

You're lucky he's too busy chewing on my heels right now
To hear his Auntie Mel say that

Jesus, Melinanina
Sometimes I think you got a heart of stone
Because Mama laughed at a strega
When she was pregnant with you

I gotta go

I gotta make dinner
Before Benny gets home

We're having veal
But Kujo likes chicken
So I gotta make it special

Ay, the things you do for your kids, you know?