Justin Bieber Explains Music to John and Paul

     (JUSTIN BIEBER is in a boat fishing with JOHN LENNON and PAUL MCCARTNEY.  JOHN and PAUL aren't really fishing, just drinking beer and strumming on ukeleles.  JUSTIN seems really focused on catching something.)

JUSTIN: Nothing's biting today.

PAUL:  You want to put down the fishing pole and write some music with us right now?  Seems better than talking about it all day long.

JUSTIN:  We're here to fish.

PAUL:  Sometimes you go to fish and you catch a song instead.

JOHN:  Or you get drunk.

PAUL:  Or you get drunk, right.

JUSTIN:  I told you guys.  Today is about learning, not about music.  You gotta walk before you can run.  Now what kind of music are you interested in?

JOHN:  There aren't 'kinds' of music.  Just music.

JUSTIN:  Okay, well that's just stupid.  That's like saying there aren't 'kind's of ice cream.

JOHN:  There aren't.  If it makes you feel good, it's music.  If it makes you feel good, it's ice cream.

PAUL:  That could be a song.  If it makes you--

JUSTIN:  Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Don't go writing anything.  I let you bring those ukeleles, but I'll throw them overboard if you guys start getting ahead of yourselves.

JOHN:  Sometimes you just have to dive in, man.

JUSTIN:  Well yeah, if I throw your ukeleles into the lake you will.

PAUL:  When do you usually write your music?

JUSTIN:  Well...it's...if I'm...like...at night.

JOHN:  What sort of stuff do you write?

JUSTIN:  I write a lot about...girls--a girl.  You know, whatever girl I'm--and sometimes things that are bothering me, I'll write about that kinda thing.

JOHN:  Injustice?

PAUL:  The unsung heroes?

JUSTIN:  Yeah, a lot of those--kinds of songs.

JOHN:  Sing something for us.

JUSTIN:  I really can't.  I mean, not unless you're going to pay me.

PAUL:  What if you just recite it?

JUSTIN:  Huh?

PAUL:  Music is poetry, wouldn't you say?  And you recite poetry, don't you?

JUSTIN:  Oh my God, constantly.  I'm always reciting poetry.  You know that book about the cat?  And the kids?  And the talking fish?  I'm always saying that one and going 'Whoa, it's crazy how much this applies to my life.'

JOHN:  Are you talking about the Cat in the Bloody Hat?

JUSTIN:  Uh...no, there's...another one.

PAUL:  Just say some of your stuff for us, mate.

JOHN:  Anything at all.

PAUL:  How else are we going to learn?

JUSTIN:  Okay, okay, um...

     (He clears his throat.)

You know you love me, I know you care
Just shout whenever, and I'll be there
You are my love, you are my heart
And we will never, ever, ever be apart

Are we an item? Girl, quit playin'
'We're just friends,' what are you sayin'?
Said 'there's another,' and looked right in my eyes
My first love broke my heart for the first time

PAUL:  That's not half bad.

JOHN:  I like the part where he tells her to quit playin'.  I've said that before.

PAUL:  Very universal.

JOHN:  Very.

PAUL:  Very.

JUSTIN:  Yeah, so that's pretty much it.

PAUL:  What about the chorus?

JUSTIN:  What?

PAUL:  Is there a chorus?

JOHN:  Do you not have a chorus?

JUSTIN:  I mean, I have a chorus, but--a chorus is a chorus, right?

JOHN:  But I want to find out what happens.  Did she quit playin'?

PAUL:  Just rattle it off for us.

JUSTIN:  Uh, well, it goes, uh...

Remember to let her into your heart

 

PAUL:  No, that's my song.

 

JUSTIN:  You wrote that?

 

PAUL:  Yeah.

 

JUSTIN:  Damn, that's really good.

 

PAUL:  Thanks.

 

JOHN:  How does yours go?

 

JUSTIN:  Uh, oh right, mine, um, it's...it goes...

 

And I was like baby, baby, baby............Oh
Like baby, baby, baby............................No
Like baby, baby, baby............................Oh
I thought you'd always be mine.............Mine

     (A beat.)

PAUL/JOHN:  Well, that was interesting./They play that on the radio?

JUSTIN:  It's...I mean, it has meaning to...you know, if you relate to...the kids like it.

JOHN:  What's the song called?

JUSTIN:  ...Baby.

JOHN:  So...all right.

PAUL:  You know, Justin's right, if we're going to fish, we might as well fish.

JUSTIN:  Yeah, let's get back to that.

     (JOHN and PAUL pick up their poles.  A moment goes by.)

JOHN:  Is the second verse any--

PAUL:  John, leave it alone.

JOHN:  All right, all right.

     (JOHN starts humming 'Baby.')

JOHN:  It is catchy, I'll give you that.

JUSTIN:  Thank you.

JOHN:  Very catchy.

     (He continues to hum, as they all wait for something to bite.)

Channing Tatum Explains Dramatic Structure to Henrik Ibsen

     (CHANNING TATUM and HENRIK IBSEN are facing each other in a dance studio.  Both are dressed in athletic gear.  HENRIK looks amazing.)

HENRIK:  What are we doing here?

CHANNING:  I'm going to teach you how to write a play, big man.

HENRIK:  I am of average size.

CHANNING:  It's a joke.

     (A moment.)

HENRIK:  I fail to find the humor in that.

CHANNING:  That's because you don't know funny.

HENRIK:  Or it was a poor joke.  Much like most of your career.

CHANNING:  See, now THAT was funny!

HENRIK:  I was being serious.

CHANNING:  Man, you're hard to read!  Luckily, I don't read good, so we don't have to worry too much.

HENRIK:  Did you bring me here to kill me?

CHANNING:  Dude, it's Crossfit gym.

HENRIK:  I assume this is where Americans go to die?

CHANNING:  Well, yeah, but--

HENRIK:  I thought you were going to help me with my writing?

CHANNING:  I am!  And writing is like dancing, and I know dancing.  Take your pants off.

HENRIK:  Excuse me?

CHANNING:  You can't move well the way you're dressed.  We do this in our underwear.

HENRIK:  Must we?

CHANNING:  Yeah, we must, dude.

HENRIK:  What sort of sinful waltz are you going to teach me?

CHANNING:  Yo, one of my straight-to-videos was called 'Sinful Waltz.'  You can't even get that shit on eBay anymore.

HENRIK:  I'm leaving my pants off.

CHANNING:  Suit yourself.

     (CHANNING takes his pants off.  HENRIK is mortified.)

HENRIK:  Have you ever written anything?

CHANNING:  Uh, YEAH.  The first three drafts of Magic Mike and, like, two scenes in The Vow that I improvised on the spot.

HENRIK:  Were those performed by professionals?

CHANNING:  Professional badasses?  Yeah, they were.

HENRIK:  You speak like a Norwegian gutter girl.

CHANNING:  Yo, what kinda kinky shit you into, Henny Penny?

HENRIK:  Let us please begin.

CHANNING:  In order to write, you have to think about where you're going, where you want to go, whose face you're going to put your junk in.

HENRIK:  I shall not smear my garbage onto the countenance of another.

CHANNING:  That's what theater is, Hen!  It's getting in people's faces!  Putting your lone wolf right where they can see it and being like 'This is my art, bitch!'

HENRIK:  I fear you have no soul.

CHANNING:  Writing's gotta be spontaneous, free-flowing, rhythmic--

     (CHANNING grabs HENRIK and the two begin to dance.  HENRIK resists at first, but CHANNING seduces him into a slow, sensual tango.)

HENRIK:  Never speak about this.

CHANNING:  About what?

HENRIK:  Talk on my work.  Criticize it.  Rip it apart.  I am in your hands and I shall stay there for as long as you'll have me.

CHANNING:  All your plays have sad endings.

HENRIK:  Life's endings are often sad.

CHANNING:  Dude, not all the time.  Look at us!  You're a famous playwright and I'm AWESOME.  Put the sad stuff in the beginning and then make the ending fun and happy!  Unless you want like a twisty play where, like, Hedda Gabler can die in the first five minutes and everybody's like 'Whoa!  This play's called 'Hedda Gabler' and now Hedda's dead!  What the fuck?'

HENRIK:  Go on.

CHANNING:  Doll House?  Lame House.  Give Nora a gun and start shooting shit up.  Then you'll have a play on your hands.

HENRIK:  Perhaps I could give Nora Hedda's gun?

CHANNING:  Yeah, whatever.  You know these people aren't real, right?

HENRIK:  In my mind's eye--

CHANNING:  Oh!  Wild Duck?  Two words for you:  The first one is Tobey.  And the second one is Maguire.  That dude can save almost anything.

HENRIK:  What else?

CHANNING:  Peer Gynt.  I don't know what it's about, and I don't know want to know what it's about.  And that's because you don't know how to come up with a good title.  Call it Car Chase.

HENRIK:  But there isn't a car chase in it.  There isn't even a car.

CHANNING:  Yeah and there isn't a John in Dear John but so what?

HENRIK:  Could it not be that your character's name was John?

CHANNING:  ...Ohhhhhhh...right.

HENRIK:  It doesn't matter.  None of it matters.  All that matters is the dance.

    (CHANNING dips HENRIK.  When they came up, something has changed.  They separate.)

CHANNING:  Goddammit, Henrik.

HENRIK:  What?  What have I done?

CHANNING:  I can't help you if you make me fall in love with you.

HENRIK:  You...you love me?

CHANNING:  No, dude!  That shit's dialogue right there!  You can use that.  Free of charge.

HENRIK:  Oh...I see.

CHANNING:  Now--you want to hear my theory on the fourth wall?

HENRIK:  You mean bridging the distance between yourself and the audience?

CHANNING:  Nah, like how if you have a theater you have to have a fourth wall or you'll be cold all the time.

HENRIK:  Something about you screams genius.  Perhaps it's the beauty in your eyes.  But I can't help but feel that you're incredibly intelligent.

CHANNING:  You know what, Henrik?  I get that a lot.

     (CHANNING laughs as HENRIK slowly begins to fall in love.)

Samuel L. Jackson Explains Nuclear Fission to Otto Hahn

     (SAMUEL L. JACKSON is sitting at a table in an interrogation room.  OTTO HAHN is brought in by two guards with a cloth bag over his head.  When the GUARDS shove him into his seat, one removes the cloth bag, and they BOTH exit the room closing the door behind them.)

SAMUEL:  Hello Otto.

OTTO:  You son-of-a-bitch.

SAMUEL:  I wouldn't go talking if I were you.  I'd just sit there and listen.

OTTO:  Are you going to kill me?

SAMUEL:  That depends on you.  You wanna die?

OTTO:  No.

SAMUEL:  Then you'll be just fine.  People who want to live tend to behave better than those who don't.  At least in my experience.

OTTO:  What do you want?

SAMUEL:  I'm going to explain nuclear fission to you, Otto.  And if I get it right, I want you to say 'That's right' and if I've got it wrong, I need you to help me get it right.  You got that?

OTTO:  What do you need with nuclear fission?

SAMUEL:  Now why would you want to concern yourself with unnecessary information?  Or as we in the business like to call it--shit that'll get you killed.

OTTO:  Are you trying to take over Bolivia again?

SAMUEL:  Again?  Motherfucker, if I wanted to take over Bolivia it would only take me one try.

OTTO:  This is a joke.  You don't know anything about nuclear fission.

SAMUEL:  Oh I don't?  Then how would I know that it's either a nuclear reaction or a radioactive decay process in which the nucleus of a particle splits into smaller parts?

OTTO:  You looked that up on Wikipedia.

SAMUEL:  I'll Wiki your dick if you're not careful, motherfucker.

OTTO:  What does that even mean?

SAMUEL:  Don't worry about it.

OTTO:  It sounds gay.

SAMUEL:  I SAID NOT TO WORRY ABOUT IT!

     (A beat.)

OTTO:  What else do you know?

SAMUEL:  I know what Fritz told me.

OTTO:  Fritz Strassman?  You got to him?

SAMUEL:  He sang like a canary taking a shit on Christmas.

OTTO:  I don't--okay.

SAMUEL:  Told me about the photons.  The protons.  The Motowns.  The Deftones.  The ringtones.  The Home Alone's.

OTTO:  You know, for a second, I actually started to worry that you were capable of doing real damage with the knowledge I could give you.

SAMUEL:  Bitch, I know about nuclear transmutation.

OTTO:  That's not going to get you anywhere.

SAMUEL:  I think it will, Otto.  I think it will.

OTTO:  You need me to connect the dots.  Put the pieces together.  All you have is a lot of puzzle pieces that you can't put together.

SAMUEL:  That's why you're here.

OTTO:  It won't work.  It would take me years to teach you what I know.  Months even!

SAMUEL:  Months is less than years.

OTTO:  Yeah, I know, I thought about it, and 'years' seemed like a stretch.

SAMUEL:  I got all the time in the world, Otto.

OTTO:  And what are you going to do with me once I'm done helping you.

SAMUEL:  You'll be released.

OTTO:  A likely story.

SAMUEL:  As soon as you're finished watching every movie I've ever been in.

     (A pause.)

OTTO:  What?

SAMUEL:  Gotta keep you in line, Otto.  Gotta remind you who's boss.  Besides, I think it's about time you started appreciating my acting prowess.

OTTO:  But I won't live long enough to watch all those movies.  And even if I did--you want me to watch The Spirit?  Jumper?  Resurrecting the Champ?

SAMUEL:  It'll be over before you--

OTTO:  Kill me.

SAMUEL:  What?

OTTO:  You heard me.

SAMUEL:  Otto, think about what you're saying.

OTTO:  I'd rather die than watch Freedomland.  Kill me.

SAMUEL:  Otto--

OTTO:  Fine.  I'll tell you about nuclear fission.  I'll tell you anything you want to know.  Just please don't make me watch that XXX sequel.

SAMUEL:  This is--

OTTO:  Getting Ice Cube to replace Vin Diesel?  What were you thinking?

SAMUEL:  I didn't cast the damn--Hey, shut up!

OTTO:  Get me a pen and paper.  I'll write down everything you need to know.

SAMUEL:  Well, that was...easy.  I'll be right back.

     (He starts to leave.)

SAMUEL:  Oh, but while I'm gone, someone's going to take you into the viewing room and show you Coach Carter and S.W.A.T.

OTTO:  What?!?

SAMUEL:  A little double feature.

OTTO:  No!

SAMUEL:  See you on the flip side, Otto.

OTTO:  No!

     (SAMUEL leaves.)

OTTO:  Nooooooooo!

     (The lights go out.)

Charlton Heston Explains Chimpanzees to Jane Goodall

     (The year is 1996.  CHARLTON HESTON is in bed with JANE GOODALL.  They're having a conversation after having just made love several times.  JANE might smoke, she probably does in fact.  CHARLTON gazes out her make-shift window into the jungle.)

CHARLTON:  They're watching us.

JANE:  You're paranoid.

CHARLTON:  I know what I'm talking about, Jane.  I've seen it.

JANE:  You've seen them watching us?

CHARLTON:  No, I've seen what happens when you underestimate the beasts.

JANE:  The chimps aren't fascinated by human love-making.  They'd be more interested in watching us knit.

CHARLTON:  What do I look like, woman?  A German housefrau?

     (JANE begins to get up, using the blanket to shield her nakedness.)

JANE:  I'm going to make myself some tea.  Would you like some?

CHARLTON:  Do you have any peppered rum?

JANE:  I don't believe I do, no.

CHARLTON:  My God, you really are roughing it, aren't you?

JANE:  I don't need much, Mr. Heston.  Just my work and a few basic necessities.

 CHARLTON:  Mr. Heston?  Woman, we just made love for twelve hours.  Will you please refer to me as Master?

JANE:  Whatever you prefer.

CHARLTON:  And I can see you don't have a single weapon here to defend yourself with when those apes finally bust in here and make you their concubine.

JANE:  They're not apes, they're chimps.

CHARLTON:  They're all the same!  Apes, chimps, beatniks--

JANE:  They're perfectly peaceful.  And I've developed a sort of rapport with them, actually.

CHARLTON:  A lot of good that rapport will do you when they're making you wear a bikini made out of banana peels.

JANE:  That doesn't sound all that bad.

CHARLTON:  It depends who's locked in the cage with you.

JANE:  I've been living here for quite some time and I've never noticed the chimps to be unjustifiably violent.

CHARLTON:  That's because they're waiting.  Can't you see that?  They're waiting until you let your guard down and then they'll attack!

JANE:  But I've been here for years!

CHARLTON:  And for years, they've been stockpiling ammunition in the bushes!  Digging holes!  Setting up booby traps!  You have to play offense on this, Jane.  You can't just write in your little notebook about how cute the Mama Chimp is when her baby's suckling on the teat!  Jesus, woman, are you really as blind as I think you are?

JANE:  I'm truly sorry if you've had a bad experience in the past, but I can assure you, the chimps are perfectly peaceful.

CHARLTON:  You really are a fool, aren't you?  Your womanly parts are clouding your judgment.  You see something small and pitiful and covered with fur, and you have to tell yourself it's probably not that bad when really it's just a pile of disappointment.

JANE:  You just described exactly what I was thinking before we made love.

CHARLTON:  Jane, I didn't want to leave you alone out here with these beasts, but I'm not going to waste my time trying to convince you either.  If you won't be civilized about this and let me throw you over my shoulder and carry you out of here, then we have nothing left to talk about.

JANE:  I suppose we're done here then.

CHARLTON:  Fine.  Would you like to have sex one more time before I go?

JANE:  I think I'm good.  I forgot how unpleasant men can smell.

CHARLTON:  You're saying I smell unpleasant?  You spend days on end with unwashed primates.

JANE:  ...I forgot how unpleasant men can smell.

CHARLTON:  Good luck, Jane.  I'll wave to you from across the field of action when the revolution finally begins.

JANE:  Or you'll just die an old man and I'll send a sensible bouquet to your funeral.

CHARLTON:  Burn in hell, monkey lover.

JANE:  Lovely seeing you as well.

     (CHARLTON exits.  JANE waits a moment, goes over to her bedside table, and takes two cans connected by a string out of the drawer.  She tosses one of the cans out the window and puts the other one up to her ear.  After a few seconds--)

JANE:  It's me.  He's gone.  That was a close one.  I'm sorry, Commander, it won't happen again.  We're still on track for 2014.  No, he's a bombastic idiot.  Nobody will pay any attention to him.  Yes, I'll see you at dinner.  Good-bye.

     (She pulls the can back in, and puts both cans in the drawer, then shuts it and sits down on the bed.  In the distance, we hear the sounds of chimps laughing maniacally.)

Twenty Seconds

Twenty seconds
And I quit because...

Because my mom stayed twenty years
And they were lies

All day, everyday
Every second of it--dishonest

And I didn't want to do that so--

You're looking at me and say
That I didn't try

But I know why I didn't try
I didn't try because the result
Would have been the same

And trying would be like saying--

'Maybe this could work'

When I know
And I don't know how I know
But I just know
Deep down
That it won't

And it's not because
I don't want it to

It would be easier
It would be easier to lie too
But...

Twenty seconds in
I looked at you
And for twenty seconds
I wasn't myself

I was somebody
In a moment
That wasn't authentic

And that's not guru nonsense either
It's not from a self-help book
You know I don't read that shit
It's just what it was

My life was clear
And at some point
It started to fog
And in that foggy moment
I looked and everything was clear
Except you

You were the one thing left
I still couldn't see

It was like the opposite of a tunnel
If I tried to move towards you
I'd just be getting lost again

Not in you
But away from myself

So I broke
I severed
I stepped back

Twenty seconds
And I could see again

The truth was a knife
On the infection
One cut
And the tension's gone
The swelling goes down
It hurts
But it's healing
Already

I could have waited to do it
But who knows how much time I had?

Thirty seconds could have been
Too late

Kanye Explains Women to God

     (GOD and KANYE are at a karaoke bar.  The Gap Band's "You Dropped a Bomb on Me" is playing.)

KANYE:  Women, you know?

GOD:  Yeah.

KANYE:  Women.

GOD:  Yup.

KANYE:  Boy...you really fucked that up.

GOD:  What?

KANYE:  Women.

GOD:  Right.

KANYE:  Yeeeeeeeah.

GOD:  I fucked them up?

KANYE:  You fucked them up BAD.

GOD:  How do you figure?

KANYE:  Have you ever met a woman?

GOD:  Many.

KANYE:  Crazy, right?

GOD:  Not all of them.  And some men--

KANYE:  I got this woman--

GOD:  You mean--

KANYE:  I'm not naming names.  I'm just saying I have a woman.

GOD:  Kim.

KANYE:  We can call her Kim.

GOD:  You are talking about Kim, right?

KANYE:  I could be talking about a lot of people.

GOD:  But you're talking about Kim.

KANYE:  So let's say this woman--

GOD:  Kim.

KANYE:  --Whatever--let's say she's crazy.

GOD:  You can say she's crazy.  I'll go along with that.

KANYE:  She makes sex tapes, she gets married for a couple of hours and then divorced, she has, like, seven television shows--

GOD:  Right.

KANYE:  And then one day she texts you.  Says 'What's up?'  You say 'Nm u?'  She says 'Bored.'  You say 'Cool.'  She says 'Wanna come by?'  You say 'K.'  Next thing you know, you have a baby and you're married to her.  Tell me that's not fucked up.

GOD:  Did other stuff happen in between you saying 'K' and the two of you having a kid?

KANYE:  God, I don't need to explain the birds and the bees to you, do I?

GOD:  No, I invented both the birds and the bees.

KANYE:  Exactly.  I'm just trying to explain women to you.

GOD:  Right.

KANYE:  See, she trapped me.

GOD:  How do you figure?

KANYE:  She tricked me into having a baby!

GOD:  How did she do that?  I mean, when you got to her house, was there a hole in the front yard covered up by leaves?  Did you fall into it only to find yourself stuck in a pit with her, both your legs broken, so that you were at her mercy?  So that she could then subdue you, undress you, and then take you like some sort of concubine?  And after that was all over and she had been impregnated, what made you feel you HAD to marry her?  Was there blackmail involved?  Did she know something about you that you'd rather other people not find out?  Like, for example, that you actually enjoy the company of men or that your genitalia is unnaturally small?  Is that how that went?

     (A beat.)

KANYE:  Yeah, none of that happened.

GOD:  So the word 'trick'--

KANYE:  God--

GOD:  When you say she 'tricked' you--

KANYE:  Listen, I'm a man, okay?  I have desires.  I have urges.  And when I have those urges, I'm weak.  She caught me at a weak moment.

GOD:  You were watching Nurse Jackie, weren't you?

KANYE:  How do you know I get turned on by Edie Falco?

GOD:  Why do you still try to hide things from me, Kanye?  You know I don't buy into your bullshit.  I'm not the music critic from Rolling Stone.

KANYE:  Can't you see I'm wrestling demons.

GOD:  Are you talking about your in-laws?

KANYE:  They won't stop until I do a Kim and Kanye Show.  Ryan Seacrest is at my house every night.  EVERY NIGHT.  That man is charming as fuck, Lord.  He must be sent from the Devil.

GOD:  He is.

KANYE:  Really?

GOD:  No, I'm just screwing with you.

KANYE:  You can't be doing that to me, God!  I'm all twisted inside.  I gotta go on my mother-in-law's talk show this afternoon and do a cooking segment with her about how to make your own baby food.

GOD:  Why don't you just say 'No?'

KANYE:  I try to, but then Kim uses her feminine wiles on me--

GOD:  She puts on the nurse costume?

KANYE:  And she starts talking with that Jersey accent like Carmela Soprano.  It's too much.

GOD:  Kanye, did it ever occur to you that I didn't make women crazy, I just made men easy to manipulate?

KANYE:  Why would you do that?

GOD:  I don't know.  Maybe because I'm a woman?

     (KANYE looks at GOD for a second.)

KANYE:  No, you're not.

GOD:  I could be.

KANYE:  But you're not.

GOD:  But I might be.

KANYE:  Are you screwing with me again?

GOD:  I don't know.  Am I?

KANYE:  Man, you're just crazy.

GOD:  So then, according to your theory, wouldn't I be a woman?

     (A pause.)

KANYE:  Whoaaaa...

GOD:  Finish your drink.

KANYE:  I--

GOD:  Come on, we're going to be up soon.  I put in 'Little Red Corvette.'  You know that one, right?

KANYE:  Yeah, I know it.

GOD:  Good.

KANYE:  So God could be a woman?

GOD:  I could be.

KANYE:  Wow.

     (A short pause.  KANYE looks at GOD, smiles.)

KANYE:  So what's up?

     (The opening words of 'Little Red Corvette' begin to play.)

Carol Channing Explains Friendship to Mark Zuckerberg

     (CAROL CHANNING is at MARK ZUCKERBERG's house.  She's in his hot tub actually.  He's making some hot dogs on the grill.)

CAROL:  But I don't KNOW her!

MARK:  Carol, I'm right here.  You don't have to yell.

CAROL:  Was I YELLING?

MARK:  Yes.

CAROL:  I'm sorry, honey.  The war did that to me.

MARK:  Which war?

CAROL:  POKEMON!

MARK:  I'm sorry?

CAROL:  Anyway, she's not my friend.  She's nobody's friend.  I don't want her to know what I'm doing with my time.

MARK:  But you know her.

CAROL:  Of course I KNOW her!  And Bette Davis knew Little Richard, but they HATED each other!

MARK:  Did they?

CAROL:  That was just an example.  What I mean is--I'm not going to 'friend' her because we're not friends.  If you're 'friends' with someone you LIKE them.  I don't LIKE her.  I LOATHE her.  Is there a button for that?  If you LOATHE somebody?

MARK:  No, not yet.  We tested a program like it in Bulgaria but it caused a civil war.

CAROL:  DONUT HOLE!

MARK:  We talked about this.  No dessert until you eat your dinner.

CAROL:  This hot tub is fabulous, Mark.  FABULOUS.

MARK:  I heard you, I heard you.

CAROL:  CHEESEBURGER!

MARK:  Your doctor told me not to feed you dairy.  He said you can only process raw meat and almond butter.

CAROL:  You know so much about me, Mark.  See, YOU'RE my FRIEND.  Not that old bat.  I'd hit your button!

MARK:  Please don't say that.

CAROL:  BUT I WOULD!

MARK:  You can't just be friends with people you're actually friends with, Carol.  It's not just about friendship, it's about the people who exist in your life--good and bad.

CAROL:  Then shouldn't you call it something else, dear?

MARK:  It's...evolved from what it once was, but once you have a label--

CAROL:  SANTA CLAUS!

MARK:  Just friend her already, Carol!

CAROL:  I'd rather not.

MARK:  You know her, so friend her.  It's as simple as that.

CAROL:  But then the word 'friend' doesn't mean anything.

MARK:  It DOESN'T mean anything.  Not anymore.  It's an antiquated notion.  Everybody has two groups of people in their life--the people they're jealous of, and the people they're better than.  That's it.

CAROL:  My goodness, you're sad, poor thing.  Is it because you're a ginger?

MARK:  No.

CAROL:  Mickey Rooney was a ginger.  And a hell of a fox trotter.

MARK:  Please stop.

CAROL:  Or was that Burt Lancaster?

MARK:  Carol, I'm begging you--

CAROL:  MICROWAVE!

MARK:  CAROL I'M UNFRIENDING YOU!

     (A beat.)

CAROL:  You are?

MARK:  Yes.  I'm sorry, but--all you do is post pictures of your elbows, and they're so awful--

CAROL:  Oh.

MARK:  --And you don't know the difference between your inbox and your wall.  You keep posting things on my timeline asking if I think the thing on your elbow is infected, and I think it is, but--

CAROL:  I see.

MARK:  I just--can't deal with you on there anymore.  I mean, in life, sure, you're a hoot, but--

CAROL:  Well, that's fine, dear.

MARK:  ...Really?

CAROL:  Of course, honey, it's just some stupid website.  Who cares if we're friends on there or not?  As long as we're friends in real life.

MARK:  Well--okay.

CAROL:  How are those dogs coming?

MARK:  Uh...should be done in a second.  I left yours raw like your doctor--

CAROL:  That's lovely, dear.

MARK:  Good.

CAROL:  Just lovely.

MARK:  Good.

CAROL:  One more thing--

MARK:  Yes?

CAROL:  Are we still friends on Myspace?

MARK:  That's not funny, Carol.

CAROL:  Are you sure, dear?  It tickled me pink.

     (She laughs.  MARK smiles.  The hot dogs burn slightly.)

George W. Bush Explains Natural Selection to Charles Darwin

     (GEORGE W. BUSH is painting DARWIN, who is nude.)

GEORGE:  Please don't, uh, move so much.

DARWIN:  Sorry.

GEORGE:  It's all right.  It happens.

DARWIN:  I get itchy.

GEORGE:  It's okay to, uh, scratch...uh...what part of you...uh?

DARWIN:  No, not--just--my nose, I mean.

GEORGE:  Got it.  Got it.

     (A short pause.)

     Got it.

DARWIN:  Wouldn't you prefer a...female...model?

GEORGE:  Laura won't sit for me anymore.  She gets testy.

DARWIN:  I see.

GEORGE:  You know how women can be.

DARWIN:  I do indeed.

GEORGE:  I figured as long as we had to chat, you might as well make yourself useful.  Nowadays everybody wants to talk to me.  Talk, talk, talk.  More people want to talk to me now than when I was the President.  I tell 'em--this is what I do now.  I paint.  I relax.  I keep my cholesterol right below code red levels.  (He chuckles to himself.)  So if somebody wants to talk for me, they have to sit for me like you're doing now.

DARWIN:  Who else has sat for you?

GEORGE:  Ohhh lots of people.  Dan Rather, Ted Cruz, my father--

DARWIN:  Your father's sat for you?

GEORGE:  With clothes on, yes.

DARWIN:  Oh.

GEORGE:  I didn't like the outcome though.

DARWIN:  Of the talk?

GEORGE:  No, of the painting.  He casts too much of a shadow.

DARWIN:  I don't imagine this talk will take all that long.  Your knowledge of natural selection being...Well, I don't suppose it's very extensive.

GEORGE:  Actually, I know everything there is to know about natural selection.

DARWIN:  Do you?

GEORGE:  Yes, sir.  I took an online class in it the first month after I was out of office.  Fascinating.

DARWIN:  I'm glad you find the subject so interesting.

GEORGE:  No, I mean, fascinating that you can take classes on the internet.  Next month I'm enrolled in a class on classic television.  We take a test on 'The Honeymooners!'  Do you believe that?

DARWIN:  I'm not sure which part of it I should be believing?

GEORGE:  Anyway, natural selection in three easy steps:  First there were fish, then were monkeys, then there were men.  Natural selection.  Can you turn towards me a little bit?

DARWIN:  Uh--

GEORGE:  Just a little.

DARWIN:  Oh--of course.

     (He angles himself more towards GEORGE.)

GEORGE:  That's great.  Wow, you have great bone structure.  I'm really impressed.

DARWIN:  Thank you.

GEORGE:  You want to work out after this?

DARWIN:  Mr. President, I have to inform you that your understanding of natural selection is simplistic to say the least.

GEORGE:  Keep it simple, stupid.  I have that on a bumper sticker on the back of my truck.  Right next to the one that says 'Live Free, Pie Hard' and it has a picture of a pie next to it.

DARWIN:  Mr. President--

GEORGE:  Call me George.

DARWIN:  George--

GEORGE:  I like pie.

DARWIN:  I imagine you do.  The trouble is--

GEORGE:  It's a stupid theory.

DARWIN:  What?

GEORGE:  The trouble is it's a stupid theory.  People don't look like fish.  And fish don't look like monkeys.  And monkeys don't look like people.  Doesn't work no matter how you add it--Well, some people look like monkeys.  My brother Jeb looks like a gorilla, but that's about it.

DARWIN:  George--

GEORGE:  Turn a little more towards me.

DARWIN:  I'm looking right at you.

GEORGE:  Open up your legs a little bit.

DARWIN:  Why?

GEORGE:  I want to try something.

DARWIN:  I'd prefer it if you didn't.

GEORGE:   I thought you were British?

DARWIN:  I am.

GEORGE:  ...So...

DARWIN:  I have no idea where you're going with this.

GEORGE:  You think you used to be a turtle, huh?

DARWIN:  I do not.

GEORGE:  Right, sorry--you think your grandma used to be a turtle?

DARWIN:  A turtle is not a fish.  I'm assuming you know that?

GEORGE:  It ain't a monkey either.

DARWIN:  Right.

GEORGE:  Well there you go.  So where'd the turtles come from?

DARWIN:  George--

GEORGE:   Man, you got a nose on you.

DARWIN:  GEORGE!

GEORGE:  What?

DARWIN:  You really don't have a grasp on this at all.

GEORGE:  ...Really?

DARWIN:  I'm afraid not.

GEORGE:  I got a 'D' in the course.

DARWIN:  Well, there you are.  You failed it.

GEORGE:  I didn't fail.  I got a 'D.'  A 'D' is passing.

DARWIN:  But barely.

GEORGE:  You can't be good at everything you know.  Some people are good at science, some people are good at politics and governing and leadership and--

DARWIN:  --And some people are good at painting.

GEORGE:  --Right!  So maybe the thing you're good at is what you know the most about and maybe you shouldn't get yourself involved with all that other stuff, but you gotta try it or else how would you know you're not good at it?

DARWIN:  Yes, exactly.

GEORGE:  That's why you probably should have stuck to modeling and let people who actually know a few things about science handle tricky stuff like evolution.

DARWIN:  What people would you consider qualified?

GEORGE:  You know, the Pope...his friends...

DARWIN:  I'd like to put my clothes back on, please.

GEORGE:  What's the matter?  Ain't you having fun?  After this, we can play some golf.  Take a steam.  Maybe squeeze in a nap.

DARWIN:  I'm...uncomfortable.

GEORGE:  That's natural--no pun intended.  But don't let it bother you.  Just give yourself over to the artist, Chuck.  He knows what he's doing.

     (CHARLES might start to cry a little.  GEORGE continues to paint.)

Gift Baskets

I'd just like to say a few things
Since I'm entitled to an exit interview

Now, I don't know who's going to be watching this tape
But whoever you are
I request that you look into the matter
Of my termination
As it is both foolhardy and nonsensical

Here's what happened:

We were backed up in the wrapping department
Christmas was coming
The kids are getting excited
Santa's driving everybody crazy
And I came up with a brilliant plan
To not only get all the presents wrapped
But to get it done EARLY

Two words, whoever's-watching-this:

Gift...Baskets

I took all the toys we had left to wrap
And I put them in gift baskets

Problem solved

But of course, everybody gets all ticked off
And I lose my job

I was personally scolded by Santa
Because, according to him
Kids love unwrapping presents

As if a kid wouldn't enjoy receiving a beautiful gift basket
Just as much

You should have SEEN these baskets
I put RIBBONS around them
I draped TINSEL over them
I even threw in some assorted boxes of imported pasta
For the kids who were extra good this year

And this is the thanks I get!

I make thousands of beautiful baskets
Not cheap baskets either
WICKER--I'm talking WICKER

And here I am
Out of a job

Merry Christmas to me

...They did let me keep one of the baskets though...and it has cheese in it so...

I guess that's something

Vin Diesel Explains Gravity to Isaac Newton

     (VIN DIESEL and ISAAC NEWTON are sharing a cab.)

VIN:  You get ninety minutes then BOOM.  Space shit hits you.

ISAAC:  How fast was the debris traveling?

VIN:  Really f#$king fast.  That's how fast.

ISAAC:  I would imagine so.

VIN:  That's why she had to break into the space station.

ISAAC:  Are there many of these space stations?

VIN:  Yeah, there's, like, one every couple of miles.

ISAAC:  Space must be so crowded now.

VIN:  A lotta shit floating around up there.

ISAAC:  And it causes hazards?

VIN:  Yeah, it f&#ks shit up too.

ISAAC:  Well, of course.

VIN:  That's gravity for you.

     (A beat.)

ISAAC:  But that isn't gravity at all.

VIN:  Dude, trust me.  It's gravity.  I saw it like four times.

ISAAC:  Gravity is a theory.

VIN:  Fine, in THEORY, I saw it four times.

ISAAC:  I mean that the definition of gravity--

VIN:  Look, look, look--this happens all the time when I make movies.  You fly out of a car over a bridge, catch your little lesbian friend, and hit the pavement on the highway a hundred feet away from you and everybody gets mad because they say you can't do that in real life.  But how do they know you can't?  I could fly out of a car if I wanted to.

ISAAC:  You can fly?

VIN:  Maybe I can!  Who the f#$k knows?

ISAAC:  Gravity would actually play a part in you not being able to fly.  You see--

VIN:  Mumbo jumbo, Dumbo.  That's what my aunt used to say before she'd beat me with her turtle spoon.

ISAAC:  I'm sorry?

VIN:  It means keep ya mouth shut, okay?

ISAAC:  You're quite antagonistic.

VIN:  I've had a hard life.

ISAAC:  Really?

VIN:  No, I just look like I have.

ISAAC:  I suppose I don't, but my life was somewhat sad.  I was born prematurely three months after the death of my father and my mother said I was so small I could have fit in a beer stein.

VIN:  That's f#$ked up.

ISAAC:  But one perseveres, doesn't one?

VIN:  Yeah, whatever.

ISAAC:  So what happens after she enters the station in space?

VIN:  She talks to some Chinese guy and then she barks and shit now I'm going to cry.  That shit hit me hard, man.

ISAAC:  Did some sort of space madness overtake her?

VIN:  Dude, you try floating around while rockets fly at you and see how you do.

ISAAC:  And at some point does she return to Earth?

VIN:  I mean, I don't want to give anything away--

ISAAC:  I'm just wondering at what point gravity comes into play?

VIN:  Dude, the whole movie is gravity.  It's called Gravity.

ISAAC:  But I thought you had specific examples of--

VIN:  Look!  You and me?  We're nothing.  Okay?  We're nothing!  You're not my family!  You get that?

ISAAC:  What does that have to do with--

VIN:  Sorry, man.  I'm trying to learn lines for my next movie and it's so hard.  Sometimes I have to work the lines into my daily life, you know?

ISAAC:  I'm not familiar with the theater but--

VIN:  Take your #$% out of my #$%, dude!

ISAAC:  What sort of play is this?

VIN:  That's not a line.  You're just irritating the f#$k out of me.

ISAAC:  My apologies, Mr. Diesel.  Perhaps we should continue our ride in silence.

VIN:  Yeah, good idea.

     (A beat.)

VIN:  You really gotta see that movie though man.

ISAAC:  I think I shall let the stars and their mysteries remain outside my understanding.

VIN:  Okay, but after you do that, you really gotta see this f#$king movie.

ISAAC:  I...All right.

     (The cab stops at a light.)

Nicolas Cage Explains Flight to the Wright Brothers

     (NICOLAS CAGE, WILBUR AND ORVILLE WRIGHT are sitting in the lobby of a movie theater after just having seen the latest NICOLAS CAGE movie.)

WILBUR:  ...That was...

ORVILLE:  Were you dead for the entire movie?  Is that what that was?

NICOLAS:  I don't know, man.  I think something got screwed up in the editing.

WILBUR:  ...I...Wow.

ORVILLE:  Was that supposed to be your girlfriend or your daughter?

NICOLAS:  I sure hope it wasn't my daughter considering I scooped that chick in the back of my limo at the People's Choice Awards.

     (He laughs and puts up his hand for a high five, but the WRIGHT BROTHERS just look at him, confused.)

NICOLAS:  Oh right, you guys weren't around for high fives.

WILBUR:  No, we know what a high five is.  We just don't want to touch you.

NICOLAS:  Will it disrupt the space/time continuum?

WILBUR:  ...Yeah, let's go with that.

ORVILLE:  Why did you make us go see that?

NICOLAS:  I played..................

     (He looks at them as if they're supposed to guess what he's about to say.  They don't.)

NICOLAS:  ................A PILOT IN IT!

WILBUR and ORVILLE:  ....Ohhhh...

NICOLAS:  Right?  Sooo?  Huh?  I was going to give you guys some pointers.

ORVILLE:  On what?

NICOLAS:  Flight.

WILBUR:  Flight?

ORVILLE:  Oh boy.

NICOLAS:  Yeah.  YEAH!  FLIGHT!  I have so many ideas.

ORVILLE:  Shouldn't you be giving us advice on something you actually know about, like--acting?

WILBUR:  Think about what you just said, Orville.

ORVILLE:  Filmmaking?

WILBUR:  Orville...

ORVILLE:  Prescription drugs?

WILBUR:  There you go.

NICOLAS:  Guys, GUYS, guys!  I have thoughts, okay?  Real thoughts about...I mean, I love your work, I really do--

ORVILLE:  But you have some suggestions on how we can improve upon it?

NICOLAS:  Does a monkey live in my closet?

WILBUR:  DOES a monkey live in your closet?

ORVILLE:  Wilbur, peace.  This man is from the future.  Surely, he can give us some helpful hints at least.

WILBUR:  Fine.  What sort of tips do you have for us, Mr. Cage?

NICOLAS:  Well...Have you thought about...tying birds to the wings of your plane?

     (A beat.)

WILBUR:  Beg your pardon?

ORVILLE:  Birds?

NICOLAS:  Not just any birds.  Like, birds that can fly.  You know, no chickens, no ostriches--

WILBUR:  Oh, good.  For a second there, I thought you meant ostriches.

NICOLAS:  No, definitely no ostriches.  No magpies either.

WILBUR:  Magpies can fly.

NICOLAS:  Can they?

WILBUR:  Yes.

NICOLAS:  Oh, okay.  Well, tie 'em up then!

ORVILLE:  Mr. Cage--

NICOLAS:  A few bald eagles and an emu and you won't need engines or anything!

WILBUR:  Emus don't fly.

NICOLAS:  You guys are blowing my MIND today!

ORVILLE:  Mr. Cage, we appreciate you trying to help--

NICOLAS:  What about balloons?  Have you thought about balloons?

ORVILLE:  It's not a question of just lifting the plane.  Flying and lifting are two different things!

WILBUR:  Much like acting and staring off into space with a pained expression on your face are two different things.

NICOLAS:  Are they?

ORVILLE:  Surely here in the future, they don't tie things to their aircraft to make them rise?

NICOLAS:  That's because they're not INNOVATORS!  You guys are INNOVATORS!

WILBUR:  I'm not sure we'd still be looked at as innovators if we tied penguins to the wings of our plane.

NICOLAS:  Because...penguins...

WILBUR:  Don't fly.

NICOLAS:  DontflyrightIknewthat...I knew that.

ORVILLE:  Maybe we should just go see another movie.

WILBUR:  Preferably one you're not in.

NICOLAS:  Man, you guys don't understand what we could do here.  We could change history.

WILBUR:  But in this case, history actually worked out rather well.

NICOLAS:  Wow.  WOW.  Wow.  The next thing you're going to tell me is that you didn't hide a copy of the Magna Carta inside your barn.

     (A beat.)

ORVILLE and WILBUR:  Who told you?

     (NICOLAS CAGE smirks.)

Madonna Explains Madonna to Madonna

     (YOUNG MADONNA tries on clothes in a boutique Forever 21 while OLD MADONNA watches and occasionally plays on her phone.)

OLD MADONNA (MADGE):  You're too old for that.

YOUNG MADONNA (MADONNA):  Shut up.  Am not.

MADGE:  I'm not going to argue with you, but you're definitely too old to wear that.

MADONNA:  Look who's talking.

MADGE:  I'm not paying for that.

MADONNA:  I have my own money.  I don't need you to pay for anything.

MADGE:  I have a lot more money than you do.

MADONNA:  Well, yeah, of course you do.  You've been around for a million years now.

MADGE:  Don't be a gash.

MADONNA:  What the hell is a gash?

MADGE:  It's a slang term.  The Brits use it.

MADONNA:  You're not British.

MADGE:  I'm a citizen of the world.

MADONNA:  That's not a thing.  That's not a thing you can be.

MADGE:  You can be anything you want to be.  That's the tagline on my new perfume.

MADONNA:  You have a perfume?  Did you give up music?

MADGE:  No, I simply expanded my reach.

MADONNA:  Why do you talk like a fortune cookie?

MADGE:  You're so limited.  I feel so bad knowing what male-dominated mainstream culture has done to you knowing it's going to take you so long to shuck it off like so much dead skin.

MADONNA:  Didn't you perform oral sex on a cucumber in Berlin last night?

MADGE:  I was experimenting with per-conceived notions about vegetables.

MADONNA:  How'd that go?

MADGE:  The results were mixed.

MADONNA:  The sound of your voice is putting me to sleep.  You sound like somebody narrating a PBS special about dolphins.

MADGE:  Majestic creatures.  I'm writing an opera about them actually.

MADONNA:  Who ARE you?

MADGE:  Look, I know this may be hard for you to understand, but being Madonna means so much more now than it used to.  I stand for something greater than just 'pop music.'

MADONNA:  Wow.  Then you must be selling a lot more records than I do.

MADGE:  I--

MADONNA:  Just kidding.  I know you're not.  This whole talking to yourself thing goes both ways in terms of knowledge.  I know just as much about you as you know about me.

MADGE:  Oh.

MADONNA:  Disappointing, huh?  I'm sure you'd much rather be the omnipotent one in this situation.

MADGE:  I didn't even realize I knew the word omnipotent before 1995.

MADONNA:  Give yourself more credit.

MADGE:  Are you aware that your biggest claim to fame is climbing out of a wedding cake dressed like an extra from a Billy Idol video just so you could hump the air and--

MADONNA:  And put MTV on the map.  And the VMA's.  And myself.  I mean, c'mon, you may not like this particular part of your life, but people still refer to you as the Material Girl, so clearly, I was doing something right.

MADGE:  I wish I could talk to Ray of Light-Me.  She was so deep, and people loved her--

MADONNA:  You can talk to her.  She's at a koala retreat in Sydney learning how to play the didgeridoo.

MADGE:  Ugh, she's so amazing.  Why can't I be her again?

MADONNA:  Why don't you want to be me?  I had so much going for me.  I was going to be a movie star.

MADGE:  You were never going to be a movie star.

MADONNA:  I sort of was.

MADGE:  No, you weren't.

MADONNA:  I--

MADGE:  Second banana to Geena Davis is NOT a movie star.

MADONNA:  Hey, was Evita good?

MADGE:  I thought the knowledge thing went both ways?

MADONNA:  It does, but only when I feel like looking stuff up on Wikipedia.  Certain things I never got around to.  Evita, the American Life album, anything involving Dennis Rodman--

MADGE:  Great, not great, and really not great.

MADONNA:  What were you thinking?

MADGE:  About which thing?

MADONNA:  All of it!  I look at your life, my future, and, even when you're successful, the first thing that comes into my mind is--What the hell made her DO that?

MADGE:  I'm a trailblazer.

MADONNA:  Are you sure you're not just mentally ill?

MADGE:  It's 2013, Madonna.  Everybody's mentally ill.

MADONNA:  Where I am it's 1984.  Everybody's on drugs.  Maybe the drugs made everybody crazy?

MADGE:  Maybe the drugs were keeping the crazy at bay.

MADONNA:  Maybe.

MADGE:  I wish we could have been famous in the 20's.  Back when it meant something.  Nowadays, you sell out an arena in Hong Kong, and it's--So what?  Anybody can sell out Hong Kong.  So what?  Anybody can land a number one album in the first week.  So what if she's still around?  Her time's passed.  The only people who like her are old.  She's old.  She's...I can't tell if everything's different or if things have always been this way and I'm just seeing things from the other side now.  I'd ask somebody older than me but--

MADONNA:  That's a pretty small pond to fish from.

MADGE:  You're so disrespectful.

MADONNA:  Please, I made a career out of it.  (She holds up a ridiculous top that looks more like a shredded table cloth.)  Love?

MADGE:  Absolutely not.  You're not wearing that.

MADONNA:  Because it's too revealing?

MADGE:  As if I'd care.

MADONNA:  Then why?

MADGE:  Because your daughter has one just like it.  If she sees you in that, you're going to get a very nasty voicemail from her personal assistant.

MADONNA:  Oh.

      (MADONNA puts the top back.  MADGE sends out a text.  MADONNA feels awkward.)

MADONNA:  I was just wondering...

MADGE:  Yes?

MADONNA:  Am I a good mother?

MADGE:  You think I'm going to be able to answer that question honestly?

MADONNA:  Try.  I mean, it's just you and me.  And the salesgirl.  Am I?

MADGE:  You're..................................................................................

MADONNA:  ...........

MADGE:  You do your best.

    (She sends another text message.)

MADONNA:  Is that...Is that good?

MADGE:  It's the only thing you can do.

MADONNA:  Yeah.

     (A pause.)

     ....Yeah.

     (She goes back to shopping while MADGE continues to text.)

Miley Cyrus Explains the Light Bulb to Thomas Edison

     (MILEY and THOMAS sit watching a tennis match.)

MILEY:  I guess it would start with fire, right?

THOMAS:  Well...what would?

MILEY:  The light bulb.  Making a light bulb.  Wouldn't you start with fire?

THOMAS:  I...Actually, I'd like to hear where you go with this...

MILEY:  So, like, you make fire, and you, I mean, there's a harness, right?

THOMAS:  A harness?

MILEY:  Well, not a real harness, but, like, you harness energy, right?

THOMAS:  Actually, yes.  Well--yes, we do.  I mean, that's--Yes.

MILEY:  And then you put it in the light bulb.

THOMAS:  Well...it's more--

MILEY:  And there's the atoms, right?

THOMAS:  What?

MILEY:  The atoms.  The light's in the atoms.  You just take it out and put it in the light bulb.

THOMAS:  We don't--

MILEY:  I mean, like, the photons.  The light photons.  You take those out.

THOMAS:  Well, first we have to--

MILEY:  Aren't I supposed to be explaining this to you?

THOMAS:  Right.

MILEY:  Watch the game.

THOMAS:  Match.

MILEY:  What?

THOMAS:  The match.

MILEY:  You could use a match, but then you wouldn't need electricity.

THOMAS:  No, I mean--

MILEY:  Anyway, you have to excite the electrons.  That's what gets the photons out.

THOMAS:  How do you think we excite them?

MILEY:  I don't know.  Do you tickle them or something?

THOMAS:  I'm really not supposed to help you with--

MILEY:  Right, right.  Never mind.  The filament does everything anyway.

THOMAS:  It doesn't do--

MILEY:  It does a lot.  The filament's important.  I mean, what would you say does the most work?  The electrical foot contact?  The glass mount?  The support wires?

THOMAS:  Talk a little bit more about the filament.

MILEY:  Finally we're getting somewhere.  Filaments made out of tungsten don't melt unless it's really hot which is important because you need heat to excite the atoms and that much heat would melt a lot of stuff, like, you know, paper and cheese.

THOMAS:  Right.  Well--uh, keep going.

MILEY:  I mean, tungsten will catch on fire if it's hot enough, but--

THOMAS:   The--

MILEY:  You know you probably put a lot of lamp lighters out of business when you invented the light bulb.

THOMAS:  Progress has its victims.

MILEY:  So do sharks.

THOMAS:  What?

MILEY:  They kill people too.  But only when they think they're killing seals.  It's really not their fault.  We did a Hannah Montana episode about that.

THOMAS:  You did?

MILEY:  Either that or I imagined it.  Sometimes I hallucinate things when I take Aspirin at an Imagine Dragons concert.  We've all been there, right?

THOMAS:  There are dragons in the future?

MILEY:  No, dragons are from the past.  Don't you watch Game of Thrones?

THOMAS:  I do not.

MILEY:  Have it your way, Burger King.

THOMAS:  You know, as the inventor of the light bulb--

MILEY:  Didn't Joseph Swan invent the light bulb?

THOMAS:  No, he didn't.

MILEY:  I Googled it and it said he might have.

THOMAS:  Google is wrong.

MILEY:  Google's never wrong.

THOMAS:  Google told me you're a robot Disney invented to invade China.

MILEY:  Like I said, Google's never wrong.

THOMAS:  I'm not sure I can give you a passing grade.  Your understanding of my invention--

MILEY:  Alleged invention.

THOMAS:  It--You don't know what you're talking about.

MILEY:  Dude, I'm not getting graded on this.  We're just making conversation.

THOMAS:  Why on earth would I want to converse with you about something I created?

MILEY:  You never know, Alva.  You might just learn something.

     (They sit in silence.  The match continues.)