When You Wake Up in Quebec

When you wake up

In Quebec

He’s passed out

In the bathroom

Cocaine residue

Still on the counter

You remark

Something clever

To yourself

And then begin

Packing your bag

A small bag

An overnight bag

Because two nights

Of an attempt

At an affair

Is more than enough

You were driving up

Thinking

That if it all went well

Maybe you wouldn’t go back

You’d have to buy new clothes

And write emails

To everyone you’d be leaving behind

Not just your husband

But your boss

And your mother

And anybody else

From the other part of your life

That wasn’t as exciting

As the part

Where you meet up with some guy

You flirted with at a conference

Years ago

He sent you an innocent Facebook message

Asking how you were doing

And telling you

That you were on his mind

And you

In your mind

Always kept him

As life insurance

The break glass man

When you finally got

Too bored

Or too inert

A life on the West Coast

With a reformed bachelor

Who would un-reform

If you would give him

The pleasure of your hand

The conference was only a week

But in that week

You went out of your way

To run into him

And he seemed to do the same

You never let it get

Any farther than flirting

But you know yourself

Well enough

To know that you crossed a line

The minute he made a joke

You didn’t find funny

But you laughed anyway

That was the beginning

Of your insurance policy

On the last day

Of the conference

You said goodbye

And he said--

‘If you’re ever in LA?’

And you said--

‘Yeah, I, yeah, it, possibly, yeah.’

It broke your heart

To know that

Even if he lived

An hour away

It would be too far

Your life had been directed

By what would require

The least discomfort

The man you married

Is a good man

But he was also the man

Who wouldn’t ask for too much

Or request that you travel too far

Los Angeles?

The man made up

Of mostly mystery

Might as well live

At the bottom of the ocean

You’d never see him again

Back home

Everything is spotless

There’s nothing to clean

Because nothing gets used

Meals are eaten out

Whole rooms are never entered

You and your husband

Have taken to sleeping

On top of the blankets in bed

You tell yourself

It’s because you get so warm

During the night

But it’s also nice

To wake up

With the bed

Needing to be smoothed down

But not made

When you live a life

That is designed to be cast aside

It is a temptation

It is too tempting

To know you can leave

Without leaving

Then a message

‘I’ll be in Quebec

Meet me here’

The name of a hotel

A day

A time

The policy has been

Agreed on

The terms

Are good

You tell your husband

You’re going for work

And he believes you

Or he doesn’t care

Hard to tell

Which one it is

Maybe both

Can it be both?

It could be both

You make the trip

The way there offers no excitement

But when you arrive

He’s running late

His flight was delayed

And that leaves you

Hours to sit

In this hotel room

And think about

What you’re doing

You work yourself

Up to the point of leaving

And then you work yourself up

To the idea that you will never leave

And that’s where you are

When he arrives

Four hours late

You practically tackle him

That night, you order room service

And it isn’t until he begins

Making conversation

That you realize

Something is off

Or is it?

You don’t really know

What this person is like when he’s...on

So how could you know

If he’s...off?

He talks

He talks and talks

And he never stops talking

And you wonder how he can go so long

Without taking so much as a breath

In between rants

And theories

And anecdotes

He goes to the bathroom

For what seems like too long a time and…

Oh

He doesn’t want to go out

He’s very happy in the room

He likes your company

And he likes room service

And he loves the lighting

In the bathroom

Have you seen the lighting in there?

It’s great lighting

They really know

How to light a bathroom

These days

The next day a blizzard

Hits Quebec

So you couldn’t go out

Even if you wanted to

The bathroom trips

Get longer and longer

And finally

At around 4pm

He goes in the bathroom

And passes out

Next to the toilet

And that’s where you leave him

Even resorting to using

The women’s room

In the lobby downstairs

Rather than risk disturbing him

You write your husband

A long email

Telling him that you miss him

Because you want to miss him

You want all this

To teach you a lesson

And so, you think

Write a message about missing him

And you’ll manifest the feeling

You make the email

Extra extra long

And by the time you’re done

You feel as though

You’re writing to yourself

We need to talk

When I get back

I feel like

We’ve lost touch

Please know

How important you are

To me

You fall asleep early

But you get under the covers

For a change

Before you retire for the night

You hold your hand

Under the mystery man’s nostrils

To make sure he’s still breathing

But as you drift off to sleep

You can hear him snoring, loudly

And you think about how some people

Are made of nothing but luck

And some people

Wake up in Quebec

Wishing this could have been the time

Things were different

Wishing this could have been

The trip that took all the back-up plans

And rendered them

Unnecessary

The 2021 Contemporary Theatre Company Audition Monologue

Well, as you can see

From my face

I’m not sure

How to feel about it

You know, what was going to be

The visit I take

Every week

Just--

It just took a turn

She walked right up to me

And stood there

Staring

For what--

For what had to be--

God, I don’t even know

Thirty or forty seconds

Which doesn’t sound like--

It doesn’t sound like a lot

But I promise you

When you’re looking someone

Dead in the eyes

And you have no idea what--

And, you know, I suppose

If I’m being fair

She was more beside me

Than in front of me

But it was a diagonal

It was sort of a--

She was looking at me

On a diagonal

And so there I am

And she’s beside me

Out of nowhere

And it’s like--

Suddenly this maniac

Is standing beside me

You don’t need no context

For that one

You don’t have to know

All the details

You just know

That you’re in the middle

Of an aquarium

And some woman

Is looking at you

Like you’ve done something wrong

So I said--

God, what did I say?

I said--

‘Did I do something wrong?’

And I was looking at her

Just the way

I’m looking at you now

Like one of those assassins

You read about

In Assassins Monthly

And she says to me--

‘Have you ever stolen anything?’

Which I thought was a trap

And I do not appreciate

Being trapped

So I said ‘I’m going to mess

With this woman’

And I said--

‘Yes, I steal things ALL the time’

And do you know
What she said to me?

She looks diagonally at me

And she says--

‘I used to steal all the time too

But I stopped just last week

I’m a bit of a cold turkey gal’

And I assume

She was talking about

The sandwich she was eating

Because I don’t know what else

Cold turkey could mean

As I’ve never tried to quit anything
In my entire life

But she and I get to talking

And it turns out

She’s not accusing me

Of stealing a fish
She’s there to steal

The jellyfish they keep

In the little tank

By the gift shop

And she asked me

If I would help her

And, you know,

Had it been a Tuesday

I would’ve said--

‘Absolutely not’

But it was a Thursday

And Thursdays are my Fridays

Which means I really didn’t have

Anything else to do

So I said ‘Sure, I’ll help’

And the next thing I know

I’m hanging over a jellyfish tank

And this woman

That I just met

Don’t even know her name

Let’s call her Raisin Bread

But I don’t think that’s what it is

But she’s got me by the ankles

And she’s saying--

‘I will hold you up

‘I will not let you fall’

Which is exactly what my father 

Or ‘The Father’ if you’re French

Used to say when he was holding me over active volcanoes

And yes, true, he never did let me fall

But that was because I had the presence of mind

To superglue his hands to my legs

Every time he would take me on of his 

Wonder of the World expeditions and--

Where was I going with this?

Oh right

So I’m looking at these jellyfish

The same way I’m looking at you right now

And I see this scuba diver

In the tank

No idea what she’s doing down there

But she looks happy

Like she’s on Cloud Nine

I would find out later

That she was feeding the jellyfish, which--

Did you know

You have to feed jellyfish?

I thought they were like blankets

Or plants

I thought you just stuck them somewhere

And went on your merry way

But apparently

You have to feed them

So this scuba diver

Is looking up at me

And I’m looking down at her

And I say--

‘Lovely weather we’re having’

‘I wouldn’t know, I’ve been inside all day’

--Is what I think she said

But it came out as--

Blurgle gurgle flurgle boon-durgle

Because she was underwater

So the whole thing sounded

Like the Swedish Chef

From the Muppets

I’m looking down

Into the eyes--

Are they eyes?

Do jellyfish have eyes?

I don’t know

But I’m looking at something

And the jellyfish is looking at me like this

Look at my face

Like this--

. . . . .

Well, Bob

That’s when I made my decision

Before I could think about it much more

And change my mind

I stuck my hands

In the water

And pulled out

The biggest jellyfish I could find

And before the scuba diver could stop me

Raisin Bread pulled me up and out

And we made a mad dash

Out of the aquarium

Through the doors

That look like a shark’s mouth

Now

As far as how the jellyfish

Wound up

In the leisure wear section

Of this Target

Well, that I don’t know

I don’t know

I’m telling you

From my lips

To God’s Ear

I do not know

I can’t be in charge

Of every jellyfish I kidnap

That just wouldn’t

Make sense