Who Invited Jessica?

      (A kitchen. Right outside the kitchen, a party is ongoing. AVA is putting a cheese plate together when NICK enters.)

NICK:  Okay, who invited her?

AVA:  Why are you asking me?

NICK:  Well, I didn't invite her.

AVA:  I told you, Nick, there are five co-hosts of this party--

NICK:  You say that, but the party is at our house.

AVA:  But anybody could invite--

NICK:  Nobody even likes her.

AVA:  People like her.

NICK:  Okay, yes, people like her, but you can like her from far away. You don't need to have her in your home. In our home.

AVA:  It's just a get-together. It'll be done by nine.

NICK:  That's two hours.

AVA:  That's what I mean. It's just two hours.

NICK:  Ava--

AVA:  It's a blip.

NICK:  How long do you think it takes to murder someone?

AVA:  I've never given that much thought, Nick.

NICK:  It does not take two hours.

AVA:  And you know this because--

NICK:  It's just common knowledge.

AVA:  Jessica isn't going to murder anyone.

NICK:  I know that.

AVA:  She's just a nice old woman.

NICK:  A nice old woman who is also a harbinger of death.

AVA:  She goes lots of places in town without any issues. She was at the market today and nobody died. Someone saw her at the post office and nobody died. She went to...She's been all over town is what I'm--

NICK:  Wait, what was the third place you were going to--

AVA:  I was going to say, she was at the diner and nobody died, but they found Al in the men's room--

NICK:  Oh my god.

AVA:  But it was probably a heart attack. The man lived on queso.

NICK:  Ava--

AVA:  Speaking of queso, I have to finish this cheese plate.

NICK:  We have to get her out of here.

AVA:  Nick, she's a guest.

NICK:  We're going to die!

AVA:  Not all of us! One of us, maybe. Probably Roger.

NICK:  Why Roger?

AVA:  I don't know. He just seems like the one who would die.

NICK:  I don't want Roger dying at my home!

AVA:  Well, where would you have him die? His own home? That place is a pigsty. Nobody would find him for  years. He has a stack of People magazines that's twice my height.

NICK:  Ava, we could end up being at the center of a murder investigation. Our home could become a crime scene.

AVA:  It already is. Do you see all the people out there not using coasters?

NICK:  I don't want anybody to die tonight.

AVA:  People die every night, Nick. Why shouldn't they die here?

NICK:  There's dying and then there's murder.

AVA:  We all gotta go some way. Might as well be at a Harvest Festival Planning Committee.

NICK:  You almost seem resigned to it?

AVA:  Nick, I have bigger things to worry about then homicide. I haven't even wrapped the scallops in bacon yet.

NICK:  We should pair people up. Use the buddy system.

AVA:  Who would be Jessica's buddy?

NICK:  Jessica doesn't get a buddy!

AVA:  Then we'll have an odd number. Haven't you ever organized a party game before? You can't have odd numbers. That's why I didn't invite your sister.

NICK:  My sister is lucky. At least we know she's going to survive tonight.

AVA:  Not if she keeps falling asleep with a lit Pall Mall in her hand.

NICK:  I should call the police now and have them standing by just in case.

AVA:  It's not going to prevent anything.

NICK:  Do we have any security cameras I can install?

AVA:  I threw them out.

NICK:  Why would you do that?

AVA:  Because you never used them.

NICK:  I was waiting until we had a murder magnet in the house!

AVA:  We live in Maine, Nick. A sleepy little town. Why do we need security cameras?

NICK:  This town has the highest crime rate in the country!

AVA:  Thank god. Can you imagine what the cost of living would be like if we didn't have something keeping people away?

NICK:  I'm going to go for a walk.

AVA:  Don't you dare. You're in charge of setting up for charades.

NICK:  You don't have any reason to kill me, do you?

AVA:  Today?  No.

NICK:  Are you having an affair?

AVA:  Today?  No.

NICK:  Would you ever kill me so you could be with your lover?

AVA:  Today?  No.

NICK:  I'm going for a walk.

AVA:  You're going to coordinate the markers and get the white board ready.

NICK:  You're not even a little afraid?

AVA:  I've had a good--I've had a life, Nick. And you have to deal with what's in front of you. What's in front of me is gouda, so that's what I'm dealing with at this moment.

NICK:  Can't we just ask her to leave?

AVA:  Then if somebody is killed, who will figure out who did it?  You know once you ask Jessica to leave, she never comes back. She's like a contractor or a man trying to sell you solar panels.

NICK:  Maybe if I hide--

AVA:  Won't do any good.

NICK:  Ava, help me!

AVA:  Help yourself--to the brie. But leave the gouda alone, it's Jessica's favorite.

NICK:  I'm terrified.

AVA:  You should be. She gets furious if there's no gouda.

NICK:  I'll stick to the brie.

AVA:  Then you should be fine. Well...mostly fine.

NICK:  If I die tonight, I just want you to know, I never should have left my first wife.

AVA:  If you die tonight, I just want you to know, I never knew you had a first wife.

NICK:  I'll bring out the cheese.

AVA:  I'll start on the scallops. Before charades, we can play Mafia.

NICK:  Why bother?  Jessica always wins.

     (NICK exits the kitchen. AVA pours herself a glass of wine.)

End of Play