Well, as you can see
From my face
I’m not sure
How to feel about it
You know, what was going to be
The visit I take
Every week
Just--
It just took a turn
She walked right up to me
And stood there
Staring
For what--
For what had to be--
God, I don’t even know
Thirty or forty seconds
Which doesn’t sound like--
It doesn’t sound like a lot
But I promise you
When you’re looking someone
Dead in the eyes
And you have no idea what--
And, you know, I suppose
If I’m being fair
She was more beside me
Than in front of me
But it was a diagonal
It was sort of a--
She was looking at me
On a diagonal
And so there I am
And she’s beside me
Out of nowhere
And it’s like--
Suddenly this maniac
Is standing beside me
You don’t need no context
For that one
You don’t have to know
All the details
You just know
That you’re in the middle
Of an aquarium
And some woman
Is looking at you
Like you’ve done something wrong
So I said--
God, what did I say?
I said--
‘Did I do something wrong?’
And I was looking at her
Just the way
I’m looking at you now
Like one of those assassins
You read about
In Assassins Monthly
And she says to me--
‘Have you ever stolen anything?’
Which I thought was a trap
And I do not appreciate
Being trapped
So I said ‘I’m going to mess
With this woman’
And I said--
‘Yes, I steal things ALL the time’
And do you know
What she said to me?
She looks diagonally at me
And she says--
‘I used to steal all the time too
But I stopped just last week
I’m a bit of a cold turkey gal’
And I assume
She was talking about
The sandwich she was eating
Because I don’t know what else
Cold turkey could mean
As I’ve never tried to quit anything
In my entire life
But she and I get to talking
And it turns out
She’s not accusing me
Of stealing a fish
She’s there to steal
The jellyfish they keep
In the little tank
By the gift shop
And she asked me
If I would help her
And, you know,
Had it been a Tuesday
I would’ve said--
‘Absolutely not’
But it was a Thursday
And Thursdays are my Fridays
Which means I really didn’t have
Anything else to do
So I said ‘Sure, I’ll help’
And the next thing I know
I’m hanging over a jellyfish tank
And this woman
That I just met
Don’t even know her name
Let’s call her Raisin Bread
But I don’t think that’s what it is
But she’s got me by the ankles
And she’s saying--
‘I will hold you up
‘I will not let you fall’
Which is exactly what my father
Or ‘The Father’ if you’re French
Used to say when he was holding me over active volcanoes
And yes, true, he never did let me fall
But that was because I had the presence of mind
To superglue his hands to my legs
Every time he would take me on of his
Wonder of the World expeditions and--
Where was I going with this?
Oh right
So I’m looking at these jellyfish
The same way I’m looking at you right now
And I see this scuba diver
In the tank
No idea what she’s doing down there
But she looks happy
Like she’s on Cloud Nine
I would find out later
That she was feeding the jellyfish, which--
Did you know
You have to feed jellyfish?
I thought they were like blankets
Or plants
I thought you just stuck them somewhere
And went on your merry way
But apparently
You have to feed them
So this scuba diver
Is looking up at me
And I’m looking down at her
And I say--
‘Lovely weather we’re having’
‘I wouldn’t know, I’ve been inside all day’
--Is what I think she said
But it came out as--
Blurgle gurgle flurgle boon-durgle
Because she was underwater
So the whole thing sounded
Like the Swedish Chef
From the Muppets
I’m looking down
Into the eyes--
Are they eyes?
Do jellyfish have eyes?
I don’t know
But I’m looking at something
And the jellyfish is looking at me like this
Look at my face
Like this--
. . . . .
Well, Bob
That’s when I made my decision
Before I could think about it much more
And change my mind
I stuck my hands
In the water
And pulled out
The biggest jellyfish I could find
And before the scuba diver could stop me
Raisin Bread pulled me up and out
And we made a mad dash
Out of the aquarium
Through the doors
That look like a shark’s mouth
Now
As far as how the jellyfish
Wound up
In the leisure wear section
Of this Target
Well, that I don’t know
I don’t know
I’m telling you
From my lips
To God’s Ear
I do not know
I can’t be in charge
Of every jellyfish I kidnap
That just wouldn’t
Make sense
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