A Quiet Thanksgiving

We decided that we couldn't do another loud family Thanksgiving

You know, my mother does it at her house
And you walk in
And people are yelling
My brother's screaming at his kids
To get down from whatever it is they're hanging from
My sister's fighting with my mom
Because mom said something about whatever moron
My sister's currently dating
And then my father gives my kids a twenty dollar bill
And tells them to split it
And so they actually rip it into pieces
And--oh it's a mess

A total mess

And I said, 'You know what?  It's not like we live far from our family.  We see these people all the time.  We can take Thanksgiving off this year and do something different.'

So we booked a trip to Florida
And of course, everybody's all up in arms
But I said--'Listen, I want a quiet Thanksgiving.
Now if you all think you can behave this year we'll stay
But otherwise, I'm spending turkey day on a beach in Miami'

And they knew they couldn't promise to keep things civilized
So they said, 'Fine, go'
But they weren't happy about it
Especially my mother
Who cried over my kids the night before we left
Like I was taking them on a Himalayan mountain adventure

It's a holiday vacation
Lots of people do it
I didn't know why everybody felt like
I was being so cruel

We got on a plane
We got to the hotel
We got the kids in the pool
And my husband and I
Started to relax

And that was when I saw her

This little old woman
By the pool
Not looking...unhappy
Just hanging out
But, you know, by herself

And it's the day before Thanksgiving
And I sort of...Well, I guess I felt...curious
About why she'd be there by herself

So I went over and introduced myself
And we struck up a conversation
And she was very pleasant
And finally we got around to talking
About the holiday and all that

She asked if I was enjoying being at such a nice hotel
With my family

And I said, 'Well, yes.  But to be honest, we left most of the family back home'

And she looked at me kind of funny
So I told her about how I wanted a quiet Thanksgiving
And so my husband and the kids and I took a little...break
From the rest of the family

She nodded
And told me that she's lost touch with her family
That there was some fighting
And other personal issues
And now she comes to this hotel every year for the holidays
And spends them by herself

She said if it were up to her
Holidays would be a lot noisier

'The love is in the noise,' she said

And you know...

I looked at my kids
Who are getting bigger everyday
And I looked at my husband
Who keeps getting older
And I thought about myself
And I'm going to be around forever

But I guess not everybody is

So I put the bags and the kids
Back in a taxi
And we went to the airport
And hopped an early plane home

My mom was so happy
When the kids came running into her kitchen

Yes, there were still nieces and nephews
Jumping on furniture
And yes, my sister was still locked in her old bedroom
Because she's dating a mime
And my mom asked if you could see his job
And my Dad gave my kids a roll of nickels
And they ate half of them

And I guess if you looked at it from the outside
You'd say--

Well, this is a big mess

But...

You don't see the way my mom hugs my kids
With that extra hug that only a grandma can give you

And you don't see the way I hug my sister when she finally comes out of the room
That sisterly kinda hug that says 'I'm glad I've known you my whole life'

And you don't see the way my father smiles
When he's sitting at the head of the table
Looking at this amazing clan he and my mom have held together over the years

Those smiles, you know, they're small
They're not always easy to see

Sometimes all that love
Gets lost in the noise
But it's still there

After dinner, when I was helping my Mom do the dishes in the kitchen
She said to me--

'Are you sad you didn't get your quiet Thanksgiving?'

And I gave her a kiss on the cheek
Still smelling like the gorgeous Miami sun
Still tasting those mixed drinks by the pool
Still seeing that blue, blue water

And I said--

'Ma, I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be'

Jane Eats Candy and Talks About John

So I text after five months
FIVE months
And he says--

Well, I'm with the wife

The WIFE

Like that's totally normal

We break up
I'm bedridden for two weeks
And five months later
He's got a WIFE
While I'm still waiting to go back
To eating solid food!

So what can I do?
I have to play along
I mean, I can't freak out
He'd just love that
He'd loooove me freaking out

That's why he said it so casually
'Ohhh, I'm here with my wife.  We're eating cubed cheese and laughing at this New Yorker article we just read.  Aren't we healthy adults?  Ha ha ha!'

So I have to immediately text back
Something calm
And yet also, sort of addressing the fact
That 'what the hell you have a wife nowareyoukiddingmedontactlikethatsnormal!'

So I text back--

'Glad to hear you're doing well'

Which sort of says it all

Oh my God, these things have peanut butter in them
I'm in love with these little balls
These little balls of comfort
I bet a woman invented these
No man could make anything this good

So he texts back--

'And how are you?  Are YOU okay?'

I felt like saying--

'Well, I WAS sort of getting slowly back to okay until you just dropped the WIFE bomb on me, you asshole.'

But instead I texted--

'Doing great smiley face'

And then I threw my phone in the toilet
Which was an irrational response
But whatever

It felt like I was throwing HIM in the toilet
And that felt good

It felt like I was throwing him in the toilet
And then fishing him out again
And begging him to work

Work
Work for me
With me
Come back to me
I need more chocolate

Do we have more chocolate?

Halloween was only five days ago
How can we already be out of--

You know what?

I think I need to talk
About something else

The Women Picking Up Their Kids

Hey ladies
How's it going?

I don't think we know each other
I'm Mitchell
Jen's husband

I know she usually picks up Christopher
From school
But I, uh, sort of gave her the day off
So I could come and talk to you
Before we all gather our kids
And head out on our merry respective ways

Uh...I guess you've been sort of, um, tormenting my wife?
Because she's a little eccentric
Kind of shy
Not really the Martha Stewart type
Which is fine, I think
I mean, we're all adults, right?

And we want our kids to see us
Exhibiting mature behavior
So why you would all act like
A pack of nasty she-wolves
Is completely mind-boggling to me

Aren't we all concerned about bullying?
Or are you okay with it
Because you figure it's all a jungle inside those little elementary school walls
And you'd rather have your kids
Be the predators?

So you pick on the quiet one
Just as I'm assuming you did in high school
And then you all get together and laugh about it
Right before you pick up your kids
And go home
And make what I imagine is really lousy overcooked dinner
And smile at your husbands
Never letting on
Just what devious witches you are

And I guess you thought it was all between women
And you know what?
Maybe it should be
And maybe I as a man should stay out of it
But since my wife came home crying yesterday
All I've been thinking about is showing up here
And letting you know
That when it comes to my family
I don't really care who it is that's messing with them
I just want to let those people know
That now they're messing with me

Luckily, I think we can resolve this issue fairly quickly

Since bullying seems to be the language you all understand
I think I can speak to you in your native tongue
See, I went to all-boys prep school--in Connecticut
So I know a few things about bullying

You there, lady on the left?
Your husband cheats on you
Trust me, he does
I know this for a fact
So while you're all happy homemaker
Oooh I'm so lucky I don't have to work
It's only because your husband doesn't want you getting all independent
So you can look around and realize he doesn't get home until eight o'clock at night

Ladies, word to the wise
If your husbands are getting home at eight o'clock at night
From a nine to five job
And they don't work three states over
Either they're cheating on you
Or they're a secret agent
Think about that

You there, lady on the right
The one who my wife says always comments
On her outfit choices
And how they're inappropriate
For the schoolyard

If you weren't so damn fat
You could wear what my wife wears
To pick up our son
And your jealously is transparent

Lady in the green
You have a lesbian haircut
That haircut should only be on lesbians
And fighter pilots
Not that it's not a good look for you
If you're not a lesbian
But if you aren't?

Ouch

Lady in blue
Your child is not gifted
Your child is not over-intelligent
Your child is not advanced

Your child ate half of my son's crayons
And then half a bottle of paste

Trust me
She's not Madame Curie

Finally, Lady in Pink
Ringleader
The mastermind
The one who threw a Girls Night at her house
Then didn't invite my wife

You are a sad, lonely shrew
Who is going to be left by your equally awful husband
And you're going to die old and alone
Because, and this is coming from a guy who has dated his fair share of hideous women
Before being lucky enough to meet his stunning, stunning wife--

You're ugly
You're really, really ugly
And if people tell you that you're not
They're lying

Your husband's with you because your father gave him a job
And once he has enough money saved up
He's going to take off
Like a passenger jet

Now, believe it or not
That was me holding back
But tomorrow
When my wife shows up here again
I want you all to be really, really nice to her
Or I'm going to start picking Christopher up everyday
And we're going to get to be really good friends

Am I making myself clear?

Fantastic

I'll see you all at the bake sale

Oh, but Lady in the Green
If I were you?
I'd consider skipping this one
Since your cookies made everyone puke last year

Just a suggestion

Love and Other Hobbits

Our relationship lasted
The duration of Lord of the Rings

Like, we met at the first one
We got engaged at the second one
And the whole thing ended two days after we saw
The Return of the King

So now I have this whole
Emotional connection
To that trilogy
That a lot of normal people
Just don't have

One time I went to one of those movie marathons
Where you can sit and see all three in one day
And when I came out of the theater
I looked haunted
Like that guy at the opening
Of Saving Private Ryan
With the war still going on in his eye

It wasn't pretty

But you know, at least time went on
And I moved past the whole thing

I stopped thinking about my ex-boyfriend
And elves and stuff
And I just got on with my life

And then they have to go and make The Hobbit

And I think--

Okay, well
This was inevitable

Those movies made a billion dollars
Of course, they're going to make The Hobbit

But it's pretty small
It's a much smaller story in scale
It'll come out
Get a lot of attention
And then it'll go away
Just like all the other movies
And I'll be fine

Then they say they're going to make it two movies
And I'm like, Okay, so two years
Even though there's not really enough story
For two movies
But whatever
They want to make money
I get it
I'll be an emotional basketcase
For two Christmases
Fine

Then they announce
That there's going to be three movies

THREE movies

With new material
Written by Peter Jackson
Who, I mean, is a genius
But--writing new material?

Imagine some guy making Hamlet
And being like--
But just so you know
I'm adding new material

And yet somehow
It's okay
And yet somehow
Even though three books
All fit nicely into three movies
One book simply can't fit
Into one or two little movies
Oh no, they need THREE movies

So now, for three years
I'm going to be a mess
Because every time I see a hobbit
I burst into tears

I mean, what IS that?

...And of course...

My ex-boyfriend texts me
And is like--Hey, we should go see The Hobbit together
That'll be fun

And I guess he means it'll be fun
Like giving yourself a forehead tattoo will be fun
Because I can't see how it would be
At all enjoyable
Even a little bit

...But I was like, Yeah, sure, why not?

Because, you know
There are people you do things with
Certain things, and--

He was my Hobbit guy, you know?
That was our thing

So why not?

I doubt I'll fall in love with him again
And even if I do...

I've got three whole movies
To figure it all out

The Guy Who Rang Me Up

The guy who rang me up at the store was like--

'You're gorgeous'

And he said it in this really...

Sincere voice

And I sort of didn't know what to say back
Because when somebody says that about you
And says it sincerely
When you can't even say it sincerely
When men you've dated
Men you've chosen
Based on how they look at you
And they can't even quite get out a 'You're gorgeous'
Without that little glint that says--
'But other women are more gorgeous'
Then it's a little...you know, weird
When this random cashier
At the Cumberland Farms
Tells you that you're gorgeous

So I said 'Thank you'

And he said 'You're welcome'

And that was just sort of it

I mean, it was a Saturday night
I had plans with friends
Just going out to a bar
And bitching about guys
And our jobs
And 'I look fat'
'No, I look fat'
'Oh my God, I'm sooo fat!'

And I'm sitting in my car
At the Cumberland Farms
Thinking--

I kinda like that guy

And, like, not because he complimented me
But because he meant it
Like, he really meant it
And I just...wanted to stay in that feeling
For a little bit longer
That feeling that like--

Someone thinks I'm beautiful

Corny, yeah, I know
Whatever
It's how I felt
I wanted to--

I had just gotten out of a relationship
With a guy
Who broke up with me
By saying that he finally realized
That he was just settling for me

Like, he said that

Do you know what that does?
Like when you hear that?

When you don't just sense it
You actually hear it?

So I texted my girlfriends
Saying I had food poisoning
Went back into the Cumberland Farms
And said--'When do you get off?'

He said midnight
I said, 'I'll meet you downtown'
And I gave him my number

I didn't really know what was going to come from it
If anything
I just knew I wanted to do something
And I did it
And people may say--

'Wow, that was stupid'

But most of the time
When people are telling you
That what you're doing is stupid
It's because they're jealous
They don't have the guts to do it themselves

As for whether or not
I got a happy ending out of the whole thing?

Well, it's not midnight yet
So I guess we'll see

Arrived

I lost sixteen pounds for my sister's wedding
I bought a dress I can't afford
I started practicing starting every sentence with 'Well, in L.A...'
I perfected a ridiculous Starbucks coffee order than takes even the most talented barista fourteen minutes to make
I said my ex-fiance's name over and over again until I could do it without twitching
I watched every movie that could possibly be nominated for an Oscar this year
I got a ninety-eight dollar haircut
I quit smoking
I stared drinking
And I arrived

My brother picked me up from the airport
And the first thing he said to me was--

You look older

And he didn't mean it in a good way
In case you're thinking maybe there's a good way to say 'You look older'
There isn't
And he didn't
So there went all that planning
So that I could come home this time
Without all the anxiety that normally accompanies it

I am a grown woman
I work for one of the most powerful casting agents in Hollywood
I make at least one intern cry every week
And somehow the thought of facing my family at Thanksgiving
Turns into a twelve-year-old girl
With braces and big glasses
And a cape

Yes, I wore a cape
Senior year of high school
Yes, I thought it looked cool
Yes, I was bullied by people on the Chess Team
Annnnnnnnnd we're moving on

Because I am a different person now
And I have arrived

My brother and I get to my parents' house
My Dad is asleep on the couch
Taking one of the forty-two naps he takes everyday

I think I saw my father awake
For a total of twenty-three minutes
During the first eighteen years of my life

My mother does that thing where she hugs me really, really hard
Than whispers something off-putting into my ear, like--

'Don't be upset but another one of your cousins is getting married.  Not that you need to.'

--or--

'Don't be upset but your sister's dating that boy you liked in high school and it's going really, really well.'

--or--

'Don't be upset but your ex-fiance was here the other day and he looks fantastic!'

And I immediately go smoke in the bathroom
With my head out the window
Wondering if I can take the red eye
Back to California

I have arrived

We sit down for dinner
My sister and the guy I liked in high school are there
My brother and his girlfriend, my best friend from high school, are there
Both couples are engaged
I'm sitting by myself
Staring at a bowl of corn
Because eating anything more than that
Will immediately put those seventeen pounds back on
And in the living room, my father is snoring
While a football game plays on the television

I ask my mom if I can turn it down, the television
And she says--'No, your father's watching it.'

At that moment, my father loudly mumbles something about Communism
And then turns over so he's facing away from the tv completely

My sister chooses that moment
To ask me if I'm lonely in California by myself
With nobody
Alone
Isolated
By myself
Lonely

She says all these words
Even though they all mean the same thing
And with each word
Her eyes glisten just a little bit more

But I am prepared for her

I say--'Well, in L.A...'

But then my brother cuts me off and says--

'Don't you live in North Ainsley?'

Which I'm sure he looked up
Because my brother is not exactly a geography whiz

I mentioned once, years ago, in passing
That I live in North Ainsley because it's cheaper
But also not as impressive
As living in L.A.
And somehow my brother
Who never listens to anything I say
Remembered that
And is now bringing it up
To deflate the balloon of self-confidence
I was trying to construct

'Yes,' I say, 'But it's close to L.A.  I work in L.A.  I'm there all the--'

But my sister cuts me off
With this sharp laugh she has
And she says--

'You don't have to lie, Claire.  We're all family here.'

Then she slips her hand
Into the hand of the boy
Who gave me my first kiss
And smiles at me as if to say--

'Don't bother, sweetie.  I've already won.'

I have arrived

. . . . .

Later on that night,
I'm in the living room
Eating left-over cake from this afternoon
While my mother is upstairs sleeping
And my father is still dozing on the couch
And my siblings have gone back
To their nice, settled, well-furnished homes

All my hard work
Everything I did before coming here
Has amounted to nothing

I finish off the cake
And wonder to myself
If my mother has any buckets of chicken fat lying around
That I could eat

Which is when my father wakes up

He smiles
Glad to see me
I said he was inattentive
But he's certainly not unkind

He says--'Hey there, princess'
And I can't help myself--
I run over and hug him

Then, in a sort of rush
Because I'm scared he's going to pass out again
I tell him all about all the stupid stuff I did
To try and impress everyone
And how it didn't work
And everybody in the family is more successful than I am
And how I'm such a failure as a person
And how I got this cat but then I found out I was allergic to it
And so I had to give it back to the pound
And they totally judged me for it
Even though they didn't say that and--

Okay I guess a lot of stuff
Was coming out at that point

My father listened to everything I had to say
And then told me that my sister and her boyfriend broke up two weeks ago
And she paid him a hundred bucks to come to dinner tonight
And that my brother just lost his third job in a year
And that my mom spent four days cleaning the house
Because she thought it wouldn't be nice enough for me anymore
Me--the fancy California girl

I guess we were all nervous
About impressing each other
And wanting to seem...grown up

Better than we were
As if we were such bad people
To begin with

'Don't be mad at them,' my Dad said, 'They're all so proud of you.  They just don't always know how to show it.'

Then he gave me a kiss on the forehead
And fell back asleep

So what did I take from this trip?

Families aren't perfect
Wisdom and common sense are sometimes the same thing
And Thanksgiving is not the time to give up smoking

The next day
When everybody arrived to see me off
I wasn't wearing make-up
My hair wasn't done
And I had on a sweater
That I bought at a yard sale
From an eight-year-old travel agent

My family took one look at me
And let one collective sigh of relief

Before I left my mom gave me a big hug
And whispered in my ear--

'Now that's the girl I remember'

Camping with Dad

The thing you have to know about my Dad
Is that he was the worst camper
You could ever camp with
Ever--in life, I'm serious

When my brother Jake was getting married
My Dad wanted to take me, my two sisters
And Jake, all on a big camping trip
Because he thought it would be a nice thing to do
As a family

My mom was smart enough to get out of the trip
By offering to babysit my sisters' kids

I said, 'Mom, that's four kids under the age of five'
She said, 'Compared to camping with your father, that'll be a walk in the park.'

Now, there were a lot of things my Dad was really good at
Coaching little league
Fixing cars
Watching golf for eighteen hours straight
But when it came to the outdoors
Something just didn't mesh

But we all sort of cross our fingers
And hope that this won't be as bad as we think

The trip started with us getting to the campsite
And my Dad realizing
That he forgot the tent poles

Then it took us three hours to start a fire
And forty minutes to get the cans we brought open
Because my brother Jake bought the only Swiss army knife in the world
That didn't have a can opener

'It's because it's not a Swiss army knife,' he said, 'It's a Swedish army knife.  It was way cheaper.'
'Well,' I said, 'Apparently they don't have CANS in Sweden.'

We started fighting
Then my sister started crying
And my other sister was getting eaten alive by mosquitos
And the whole time my Dad's trying to remember how to play 'Fire and Rain'
On his guitar

So we crack the cans open on a rock we find
Get in our sleeping bags
And decide that the next morning
We're all going home
And we can bond as a family indoors
Like normal people

Then, in the middle of the night
I have to go to the bathroom

So I unzip my sleeping bag
And start walking a little ways into the woods

I'm not that far from camp
When I hear a noise behind me

I turn around and there's a bear
Like a bear bear
Like a real live BEAR

And, uh, I don't know if you've seen a bear
In person
Like, not in a zoo
Where it can't eat you
But it's pretty scary

So I freeze
I don't what to do

Do you run?
Do you not run?
Like, what do you do?

Before I can really think about it
I feel a hand on my shoulder
And then somebody moving in front of me

It was my Dad

He's got a tennis racket in his hand
Don't ask me where he got it
The guy can't remember to bring tent poles on a camping trip
But he manages to find a tennis racket
In the middle of the night
Just before his son gets eaten by a bear

The bear sort of...looked at my Dad
And my Dad sort of...looked at the bear
And I'd like to say that I was all badass throughout this whole thing
But all I can remember is shaking like a washing machine
And whimpering the entire time

And my Dad kept saying
'It's all right, Eli.  It's just a bear.  That's all.'
Like we were standing in front of a squirrel or something

Finally, the bear snorted
And walked away

I made my Dad keep watch
While I peed
And then we went back to camp
Woke everybody up
And drove home at four in the morning

Three years later
When my Dad got sick
I said to him--

'Hey Pop, you faced down a bear.  This is going to be nothing.'

Turns out there are scarier things in life
Than a bear in the woods

Now, when I talk about what kind of man my dad was
I say--

He was great with old cars
Patient with eight-year-old softball players
And lousy when it came to camping

He just wasn't very good
When it came to being prepared
For that kind of thing

But just sensing that his kid was in trouble
Made him wake up
And jump in front of a monster
Without even thinking twice

I guess sometimes it's what you do
When you aren't prepared
That counts

That was my Dad

Always ready with a tennis racket
When you needed him

When I Told Mom

I was waiting for the right time to tell her
Because Jim and I had been trying for awhile
And to be honest, we were all getting a little nervous
That maybe it just wasn't going to happen
And that maybe there was something wrong

And then I found out
That I was pregnant
And you'd think I would just
Yell it from the rooftops
But, you know, I'm Italian
We're superstitious
So I decided to wait
Until we were past
The first trimester

But of course, it's difficult
Because my mother has to know everything
And she has to be the first to know everything too
So Jim and I agreed that we'd tell her first
And that nobody else could know
Until she did

Well, that's all well and good
But I forgot about my grandmothers
Extra-sensory powers of observation
When it comes to her grandkids

In other words, I went to see my grandma one Sunday
And as soon as I walk in the door
She takes one look at me and says--

'It's a girl.  Name her Stella.'

I'm an idiot
I'm an idiot for going anywhere near an old woman from Sicily
When I'm trying to conceal a pregnancy

I said, 'Grandma, you can't tell Mom about this'
And she says, 'Okay, okay'
And I think I'm good

But then my Mom calls my grandma the next day
And says--'Guess who's pregnant?'

And she's about to say--

'That girl Terri, who you met at Tom's retirement party'

But before she can say that, my grandmother says--

'I already know.  Congratulations, Grandma.  Now you can start letting your hair go gray.'

My mother didn't say a word
She just hung up the phone
Called me
And started yelling

'I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO KNOW!'

I said, 'Ma, the doctor was the first to know.  Jim and I were second and third.  Does that make you feel better?'

She didn't appreciate the joke
But she calmed down when I told her
Grandma said it was a girl

'If she said it was a girl, she's right.  She said you were going to be a girl and she said you were going to be beautiful and smart and that you were going to respect your mother and always tell her everything.  I guess she was a little fuzzy on the last part.'

I said, 'Ma, I don't care what she is, as long as she's as cool as you are.'

That's when she started crying
And then I started crying because I'm hormonal
And then Jim walked in and saw me crying on the phone
And I told him that my mom knew
And then he started crying

I said, 'Honey, what's wrong?'

And he said--'I just realized something.

Now we have to tell my mother.'

A Mad Tea Party

Look, Australia's a done deal
And I didn't want to tell you
Because I knew that you--
That we--

Uh--
That this whole time
There was this sort of...hope
That, you know, New York wasn't impossible

That you have your job in Boston
And I'm in Manhattan
And somehow we were going to kind of
Drift towards each other
Or something
But honestly
Was that even realistically going to happen
Or were we just saying that to make those two-second weekend visits
Not suck so much?

I put in for Australia
And I got it
And I'm taking it
And I did it
Knowing that if it happened
That you couldn't come with me
And that doesn't mean I don't love you
It just means I can't keep--and I don't think either of us should--
Keep our lives on hold
For each other
Which is what's happening right now
So I--I don't know--made a break for it, I guess?

I want you to come with me
I would love it
Not just because I love you
But because sometimes it seems like
All I'm going to do for the rest of my life is move
And it would be really nice to have someone actually move with me
But how do you ask someone to do that
How do you ask someone to be your personal traveling cheerleader?

I'm not asking you to do that
I'm just asking you to not flip out and hate me
And create this narrative
Where I left you
Where I walked out
Because we don't even have a place
That's ours
That I can walk out of
And that's just the truth, isn't it?

...It's not just you, you know?

You think I'm going to be one of those people
Who's okay with seeing their family once a year?

You think I don't want to watch my little sister grow up?
You think I'm not aware of the fact
That my mom is rapidly approaching sixty
And my grandmother only lived to be sixty-six?

I think about all these things
But, you know, we live in this world
That's like one big mad tea party

You get settled
You get comfortable
You relax
And suddenly somebody's pushing you down
To another chair
A fresh cup
A new life

And everybody that had anything to do with
What happened before
Is just...

You have to make a choice

I had to...

I chose to start again, you know?

Because this...

This can't be it

You, you could be it
I want you to be it
But I can't take you
And not the...the...

The situation

The rules

What it would mean if...

If I stayed
Where I am

What that would mean

So, you know, yeah
I applied
And it's going to happen

And if you want to start over too
I say 'C'mon, let's do this'
Let's do this together

And if not...

Then this is...

I love you

But if you're all that's keeping me here...

It's not enough
It's not that you're not...
But it's...

It's not enough

Nobody could be enough

My career
My creativity
What makes me want to get up everyday
And do something

Versus what?

One person?

It's crazy, you know?

It's just like that mad tea party

I look at you
And I'm so in love
And then it's time to move, you know?

I guess it's just...time

The Love Lives of Other Women

I stir my coffee

And pretend not to listen

Carla's got a new boyfriend

And he's changing her life

With his guitar playing

And sexual prowess

Carla thinks there's a big age gap

Between the two of us

When really we're only separated

By two years

I just look older

I act older

I don't talk about my love life

I sip my coffee

And look at death certificates

Records about people

I never met

And never will

It's one of those jobs

That will tenderly kill your soul

If you stay with it long enough

And I intend to

Carla is going on about her boyfriend's band

And how after he plays with them

He screws her in his car

In the parking lot of whatever bar

He's doing a gig at

Carla says she's been awakened

Awakened by all this newfound sexual activity

Carla's new boyfriend is four years younger than her

Six years younger than me

Practically a child

Who seems determined

To screw his way into adulthood

I guess there are worse ways to mature

A death record comes up

Belonging to a woman my age

And for a second

I flash on her

This woman

Great hair

Good boobs

Annoying younger sister

Mother who's never pleased

Two boyfriends her whole life

Never bought a ridiculous pair of shoes

Never, ever had the kind of sex Carla is going on about

Dead before thirty

I put my coffee down

I pick up my purse

I head out of the office

Carla is practically touching herself

As she recounts the story

Of she and her boyfriend

Going to kids' movies at midnight

To try and catch an abandoned theater they can--

I don't hear the rest

I'm already thinking about what I'm going to say

When I tell my boss why I left work early

I'll have to tell him that he has to give the rest of my work to Carla

For the foreseeable future

That'll keep her at work pretty late

For the next few nights

Then I'll think about what I'm going to wear

When I go see Carla's boyfriend's band tonight