Monday, June 29, 2009

Fair Warning

If you eat the Royal Tuna
You should be okay
I wouldn't say 'fantastic'
You won't be fantastic
But you'll be okay

I mean, people have thrown up
A few people have
But it's not like they died
I'm sure none of them did anyway
But some did throw up
A few, a couple
Ten or twelve

If you eat the Royal Tuna
Have Daniel make it, not Louis
Louis is not a good scene
Trust me on that
I do not eat anything
That Louis has touched
Let alone the Royal Tuna

Have Daniel make it
But catch him in a good mood
Because if you make Royal Tuna
In a bad mood
Or even a slightly bad mood
The negativity will seep into the Royal Tuna
And render it inedible

By that I mean more inedible
Which I guess is impossible
But the fact is you can always be more inedible
Something can always taste worse
Like plastic is inedible
But titanium would be way moreso
In the grand scheme of things

Royal Tuna made with negativity
Is right up there with titanium

If you eat the Royal Tuna
Don't eat it on a Friday
Eat it on a Monday
That should go without saying

If you eat the Royal Tuna
Don't chew it, just swallow
Swallow it as quickly as you can
And don't think about chewing
Because then you'll chew
And from that point on
You're in major trouble

Only eat it when you're hungry
Only eat it when it's Monday
Only eat it when Daniel makes it
And when he's in a good mood
And you'll be fine

Otherwise you might die
Or at least throw up

Fair warning

Kate Mattison

Have a seat by the window.

Sit looking out
Don't turn towards me
Keep your hands still
Try to let the light
Hit the left side of your face
There you go
There's a boy

So how do you know Ray?

It's okay if you talk
I don't mind
I don't mind if you talk
It won't bother the drawing
Just as long as you keep still
But you can talk

He said you two met
In the park
Is that what happened?
Were you jogging in the park?

He goes jogging all the time
Every morning for an hour
I don't know how he does it
Must be how he keeps up his physique
He has quite the body
Don't you think?

Please don't move
Stay still
I need you to stay still

I love his body
That's why I let him jog
Even though it's unsettling
To wake up every morning
And not have him there

I should be used to it by now
But it still comes as a shock
Waking up and not finding
The person you fell asleep with
Right there next to you

It's not the way
A woman should begin her day
Don't you think?

Hands still, please
If they start to shake
I'll have to ask you to leave
I can't work
If you're shaking

And why would you?
There's no reason to
Nothing to be nervous about
People sit for paintings all the time
It's nothing
Absolutely nothing

Do you like Ray?
I know he can be a bit much
He doesn't seem to have
Many male friends
And that's always bothered me
Because it's important
To have friends
Of one's own gender
Don't you think?

But he's always gotten along
With women

My girlfriends just love him
Love having him around
I supposed I should be concerned about that
But Ray's eyes never seem to wander
Not towards them
Not at all

Anyway

I was so glad
When he brought you up
Because he never brings up men
Never seems to be able
To make friends with men
It's never occurred to me why

After all
He is so pleasant
To be around
Don't you think?

Keep looking towards the light
Stare straight at it
That's a boy

You're very attractive, you know
I imagine you must have
Loads of girls
On and about you
All the time

Is that true?

You can speak
I told you that
Didn't I?
Didn't I say
You could speak?

I'm so happy Ray recommended you
He must recognize how exquisite
Your body is
Just like his
The two of you
Actually
Have very similar builds
I wonder if he's noticed that

Any fool could see it

Keep looking at the light
I know it's hard
But you have to try
It's hard to stare
Straight into the light
But you must
It's essential

I have trouble with it too
But I overcome
Because I must
Because to be an artist
You have to see
You have to see so clearly
Everything around you

There you go
That's a boy
That's exactly what I want

Sunday, June 28, 2009

What I Did Today

I made a panda today
It wasn't a particularly good panda
A little on the skinny side
People tend to like their pandas chubby
But at the end of the day
They're still an endangered species
So it's something
It's something
I would say

Yesterday I made a geode
I don't really know what that is
People think because you're omnipotent
That you know everything
But you really don't
You know how to do things
Lots of things
Some might say everything
But the implications of everything
Of even the word 'everything'
Are more than I can understand
So who knows if I can actually do everything
Or even a tenth of everything

I do know I can make a geode
I made one yesterday
I can't say whether or not
It was a particularly good geode
But it was, in fact, a geode

I do things every day
But they're not all necessarily great things
I don't make mountains every day
I don't make rivers every day
I don't make star formations every day
That stuff takes time
Lots of time
So in the meantime
I have to do little things

Last week I made a fig tree
Not a full-grown fig tree
Just a mini-one
Sprouting up from the ground
A little fig tree
That in my mind I named Tobias

It's cool being me, I guess
I guess it's impressive
Making pandas and trees
And rain and inlets

But...

I'm not going to lie to you
I get bored
I get bored with geodes
I mean, who wouldn't?

I keep wanting to make a tornado
But it's not tornado season
I mean, somewhere
It's tornado season
But not anywhere I want to go

And I keep saying tomorrow
Tomorrow I'll do it
Tomorrow I'll make something spectacular
Tomorrow I'll be God

Won't that be something?

Saturday, June 27, 2009

The Breena Fan Club

Is everyone here?

First off, can I just say
I was severely disappointed
With this year's fashion show

That was not befitting
A Breena Fan Club Fashion Show
And I, as Breena, was embarrassed
Embarrassed and alarmed
To have to face people
And tell them
That sham
Was sponsored
By my fan club

I know you guys had, like, a day to plan
But I mean, seriously
Those trench coats?
What the hell was that?
Are we bringing back school shootings?
Is that the social trend
We need to see inspiring fashion?

Too soon, guys
Way too soon
I-M-H-O-A-M-I-T-O-O-T-C
B-I-M-F-C

(In my humble opinion, and mine is the only one that counts
Because it's my fan club)

I want you all to reflect
On what a disaster that was
And then write me an essay
Explaining why I shouldn't just fire all of you
And five three new people
To adore me

If you think you guys
Are the only people in this school
Who worship me
You should come check out my homeroom
There are, at least
Two gay guys in there
Who think I'm fantastic

Keep that in mind

Let's not forget
That next year
We're all going into tenth grade
Time is running out
Once you're out of tenth grade
If you're not running the school
Forget about it

Do you want us to be defeated
Come prom time junior year?
Because at that point
I will insist on being home-schooled
And all of you
Will be out of an idol
Just think about that

I say we try this again
I say we do another fashion show
And this time book the gym
Don't do it in the faculty parking lot
It was not artsy
It was stupid
And Mr. Flannagan's car got keyed
And now he's blaming me

So yeah, deal with that as well

Okay, end of meeting
Let's all practice our theme song
And then I have to get to work
Because if I get fired from Wendy's
I might as well die

Motion to adjourn?

We Don't Talk About Them

They used to break things
Just to see our expressions
Run around like idiots
Escaping their depressions
They were hopped up
On every kind of drug
We all called it suicide
And they called it love

They used to talk dumb
In dumb baby voices
Drive around at ninety
Getting sore making poor choices
Till the cops came
And knocked down their door
Found out he was cashing in
On her being a whore

Now we don't talk
Now we don't talk
Now we don't talk about them

We just talk about
The situation
Just the situation
Only situations
Not people
Not him and her

We're better than that
We're better than them
So we don't talk at all
We don't talk at all about them

You should hear her scream his name
Out the windows at night
Lighting up St. Louis
With her curses and her plight
She's got addictions
That she can't overcome
Misses the way he tasted
And how he played the drums
On her stomach
Just to tickle her fancy
She thought they'd die together
And be called Sid and Nancy

He's in prison
Dealing to all of his peers
While she cries tears into her veins
And lies into her ears
Keeps getting fired
From her waitressing jobs
Hooks up with the cooks
Who she subsequently robs
Just for chump change
And taxi fare home
To her one-bedroom Hell
To a life led alone

Now we don't talk
Now we don't talk
Now we don't talk about them

We talk about our friend
She used to be our friend
We all used to be friends
And we were good friends
We were great friends
And then she met him

We really never liked him
We said we never liked him
We knew she could be better
We always said she could have done better

But now
We just don't talk about them
We don't talk about them
At all

He came home last night
And they screwed until the dawn
Somehow they both got fucked up
On her stepfather's lawn
Eating Mexican take-out
From the place down the street
Talking about having kids
And who he used to beat in prison

She wrapped herself around him
Started begging for more
But that all ended kind of quickly
When he called her a whore
Cause he could smell them
The cooks on her skin
She wears her sins on the outside
And she can't wash them off
So he gave it a shot
And when that didn't work
He gave it a different kind of shot

They found them
Two weeks after that
Still wrapped around each other
Like bacon and scallops
Tasting good and being bad
And loving every minute
Of the march
To the porch
On the stepfather's lawn
He didn't even open the door all the way
To get the news

Now we don't talk
Now we don't talk
Now we don't talk about them

We never said a word
We only cared to say what we said
Which wasn't about them
Which was never about them

It was all about the 'facts'
It was all about what's what
It was about us being better
Because we keep our sins locked away
Where you can't see them
So you can't say
We have to pay

We don't talk
We never talked
We don't talk about them
We don't
We don't
We don't talk about them
Anymore

Friday, June 26, 2009

The Holy Men

Sit down, sit down
Sit yourself down
Have a seat
Take a seat
There you go

You old bastard

You look like Hell
Have a seat
What's your rush
You're dead, aren't you?

Well, aren't you?

Yes, you are
Goddamn you
And you're ugly too
Dead and ugly
Which is a shame
Which is a damn shame

Sit down, already
And take your coat off
It's not cold
It shouldn't be cold
Are you cold?
I can have Mavis turn up the--

MAVIS! TURN THE GODDAMMED HEAT ON!

Jesus Christ, Mavis
You'd think we were poor
We're not poor
We're goddammed angels
We should have heat
When we want it

Never mind her
Deaf as a goddammed chipmunk
Can't hear a thing
Not a damn thing
Shame, really
It's a shame

They put us in this section
Because we're holy
We're holy men
Former holy men
I guess you could say
Since there's no point
Being holy up here

All the dead popes
Get put in the same place
That way we don't have to deal
With the riff raff
The common folk do

Hey, did they let you keep your ring?
Because I didn't get to
I got up here--no ring
And I loved that ring
Dammit I loved that ring
I have some photos of it
But I can't find the actual thing
And I think they might have taken it from me
When I showed up

Yeah I think they took the ring
Goddam thieves
Call themselves gatekeepers
Gatekeepers my ass
I didn't see any gate
Did you come through a gate?

MAVIS! IT'S FREEZING IN HERE!
THE POOR GUY IS FREEZING!
HAVE SOME GODDAMMED MERCY!

She's retarded
I mean, really
She really is
It's a shame
It truly is

Aren't you glad you were a pope?
Aren't you glad you were good in life?
So that you don't have to deal
With the idiots they throw in G-Pop?
Believe me, that's a hellhole

It may not be Hell
But it ain't my kinda heaven
I'll tell you that much

Do you want a beer?
We can drink beer now
It's allowed
No more holy wine
Thank Christ

Huh?

No, no I never asked
I just assumed
I have faith
Right?

Isn't that the whole point?

Although I guess you could say
What good is faith to me now, right?
Right?

Now

I don't need faith anymore
I don't need much of anything
Just a nice cold beer
And some company

Play I'll Be There

I'm drunk
I know I'm drunk
I'm forty-eight years old
Do you know
That in forty-eight years
I have only been this drunk
Three other times

And every one of those times
'I'll Be There' was playing

I got drunk when I got married
I danced with my wife
On a patio
At my brother's house
That's where we had our reception

We ate barbecue chicken
And it rained
And my wife laughed at me
Because I had barbecue sauce
All over my face
And I was a mess
And she was a masterpiece
And we danced
To 'I'll Be There'

I got drunk when my son was born
I kept crying and crying
And I was sitting in the waiting room
And everybody thought
That something bad had happened
Because I was sniveling
Snot coming out of my nose
It was disgusting
And I was drunk
Because I had to be
Because if anything bad had happened--

It was a complicated birth
And we almost lost my wife
And then everything turned out okay
But by that time, I was gone
And they took me into the room
And there he was

He was perfect
I was drunk
And the nurses had the radio on
In the nurses' station
And guess what?

'I'll Be There'

I got drunk when my son called
To tell me I was a grandfather
Because my wife and I
Were on vacation
In Jamaica
Because our daughter-in-law
Wasn't due for another month
And my wife convinced me to get drunk
And then the phone rings
And I'm drunk
And I'm a grandfather
And I'm old
And I'm deliriously happy

And out on the beach
There was a bonfire
With a bunch of college kids
And it was the 90's
And you could hear Mariah playing
Playing while they sang

Playing 'I'll Be There'

Tonight I'm drunk
Because I heard that song
I heard that song on the radio
And then I heard the news
And people die too young
And you screw up a lot
Before you finally die
And let people remember
All the good shit you did
But that's life
That's music, right?

Isn't that music?

So do me a favor
I'm already drunk
I'm already here
I'm already forty-eight
And I want to hear 'I'll Be There'

Just play 'I'll Be There'
And I'll listen
And I'll drink
And maybe I'll sing along

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Ten Confessions

-- We can all play this game. Give me ten confessions. Mine are all fictional, but that doesn't mean yours have to be. One condition: Keep it to one sentence, and keep it vague. --

I spent too much.
I never read that book.
I hate that sweater.
I used bribery on a teenager.
I ate the last brownie.
I slashed his tires.
I don't like you.
I unscrewed the light bulb.
I tried poisoning you several times.
I lied about the wine.

The Boys in the Bed

I'm not going in there again
I'm not even going to peek
I don't want to know
I'm telling you, Sandra
I don't want to know

Your brother is in there
Lying in bed
Naked
With some...

Man

And I just don't want to know
Do you understand me?
I don't want to know

Granted, he's a handsome man
From what I could tell
I dropped the laundry basket
Right on my toe
And screamed

I hop they don't think
I was screaming at them
I was screaming from hurting my toe
But they probably don't know that
Maybe I should tell them that
When they come out
Whenever that is

I don't know if I'll want to be here
I don't know what I'm going to do
I already started making French toast
Now what can I do?
I can't leave
I can't just leave French toast

Sandra, this is horrible

Can you knock on the door
And let them know I'm fine?

I don't want them to think
That I'm stuffy
I'm not stuffy
I know your brother is nineteen
And even though he's still living at home
Until this college thing works out
He's an adult
He even gives me money for rent
Which I don't ask for
But I take
Because God knows your father
Doesn't send money

So I don't want them to think
That I think they're wrong
Or whatever, for whatever
Or anything like...

Jesus, Sandra
They were naked

NAKED

Right underneath
Your grandmother's comforter

Well, I'm sorry
That's all I can think of
Your grandmother's comforter
And things happening
Underneath it

Things that never happened
When your grandparents were underneath it
That much I can assume

But I don't want them to think I'm a prude
I'm progressive
I'm forward-thinking
And I don't care if your brother...

I mean, he is, right?
This isn't something regular boys do, right?
I don't mean regular
I just mean...
You know what I mean, Sandra

DEAR GOD, STOP LAUGHING!

Oh, now the French toast is burnt
Look at that
I kept on talking
And the toast is lost
It's lost forever

. . . . .

Do you think he's okay?
Do you think he's embarrassed?
Would you be embarrassed?
Oh, I would be mortified
But I hope he's not embarrassed

He's a boy
Boys don't embarrass
As easily
Thank God

Should I make waffles?
He's going to be hungry
Maybe they'll both be hungry
Do you think the handsome man
Will stay for breakfast?

I mean, he doesn't have to rush off
That wouldn't be polite
After...

Oh God

You know
I never realized
Until just now
How much of a choice
It is

No, not that, Sandra
I know that's not a choice
I mean me
The choice I'm making
To not get upset
About...

What I just saw

I mean, I can feel
That urge
To flip out
And go crazy

Storm in there
And shout
Like a lunatic
Like a madwoman

But it's a choice
Isn't it?
And I can choose
Not to do that

And knowing that
How can I?
How can I choose to go crazy?

It's one thing
To just go crazy
But to choose to go crazy
Is another thing entirely

All right
I'm making eggs

Do me a favor
Go tell your brother
That he can come to breakfast
Tell him it's okay

Just remember
To knock first

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

How I Got My Revenge

I woke up every morning
I did the crossword
I had my coffee
I made two scrambled eggs
I watch my daughter play on the lawn

I kissed my spouse
I went to work
I did my best
I high-fived my boss
I landed a big account

I laid in the sun
I played in the snow
I went to New York
I danced when I wanted to
I ate too much chocolate

I learned to make a souffle
I learned to laugh when I wanted to scream
I learned to love the radio
I learned to hate moping
I learned to write something everyday

I forgot to beat myself up
I forgot to let it hang over my head
I forgot to stare at people frowning at me
I forgot to spend time on hopelessness
I forgot to cry about it

I know they say
That the best revenge
Is living well

But the only way
That really works
Is if the person you want revenge from
Knows how well you're living

Now I know that true revenge
Is saying--

'Yeah, I screwed up. I'm sorry.'

And forgiving
The next person
Who does to you
What you did to someone else

In that moment
That moment when you forgive
Something someone else wouldn't
You have achieved revenge

Because not only have you lived well
You've allowed someone else
To do the same

Wrapped Up in Stripes

Let me feel your hands
Ooohh, they're cold
They're cold

Let me take them
Here, be brave
I'm not afraid
Are you?

I'm wrapped up in stripes
I'm tied up in your stripes
Gonna make me untangle you
Do you wanna
Tie me
Up

Let me kiss your eyes
Let me speak nice and soft
Let me throw you around
Let me hold you down

I'm wrapped up in wrong
I'm tied down in mistakes
Gonna make me break my vows
Do you need to
Let me
Start

I'm upset
I'm confused
I'm bad
I'm just plain bad

I hear the car pulling in
And I'm still going strong
Don't let them stop you
Please don't stop now

I'm wrapped up
I'm wrapped and ready to
Don't you know
Don't you wanna
God, I wanna

Wrapped up
Wrap me up
Dolled up
And I did it all for you

I put lipstick on my thighs
I put candy on my lips
I put perfume on my back
Put your hands on my hips

I'm wrapped up in stripes
God you look so good
In that shirt
I'm a flirt
Forgive me
If I hurt you
I'm not sure
What we're doing
But I'm sure I'm gonna like it

Like the way you look
In too-small tee
Look at me
Just at me
All eyes on me

I'm wrapped up
So unwrap me
Please

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Aren't You Kevin Broccoli?

-- Yes, I'm pissed. So why not be productive about it? --

"Aren't You Kevin Broccoli"

Aren't you--
Wait, I heard of you
I think I heard of you
From a friend

Aren't you Kevin Broccoli?
Aren't you him?

Aren't you obnoxious?
Aren't you fake?
Don't you talk too much?

Wouldn't you say you exaggerate?
Wouldn't you say you lie?
Wouldn't you say you gossip
I know you
You're that guy

Didn't you used to whore around
Didn't you used to throw fits
Didn't you used to use people
Aren't you him?

I heard that you were trouble
I heard that from my friend
He doesn't like you
So I don't like you
That's who I am

I believe every word
That everyone's said
I believe every nasty truth
If you're Kevin Broccoli
Then I already know you

I bet you are
Who they say you are
And I bet you
Haven't changed

I bet you're a freak
I bet you're a tool
I bet you're deranged

Aren't you a little high on yourself
Aren't you dumber than you say
Aren't you one of those flamers
Or do you hate that you're gay?

Aren't you in the closet
Aren't you broadcasting
To the world

Don't you have a big mouth
Don't you keep too many secrets
I heard, I heard

I heard you made a nice girl cry
I heard you're a bitch
I heard you switch around
Everything you say

I heard it all from my very good friend
I heard it all today

I heard so much about you
And none of it from you
But I'll walk away
Rather than stop and stay
To see if any of it's true

Brace Yourself

-- I'm doing this on a dare --

Hold on, rollercoaster
Coming closer to a picture
Old faded memory frame
Game over in Dover
Delaware, couldn't care less
How I messed up and wound up here
Stuck with some queer in a pancake mixture
A fixer-upper turned taking uppers
Out of rubbers and clubbers
Telling me to go out
About town and run down
Hearing 'em say

Brace yourself
Better brace yourself
Place yourself in the shoes
Of someone who can't lose
More than you
You took all your eggs
Put 'em up on a shelf

Brace yourself
You better brace yourself

I gotta four-mile trek
Directing myself into
A dented pinto
With a girl named Anna Maria
That I call a saint
Body-paint on hands
Glands swollen from shouting
Touting myself
As the new shah of the party

I got an old guitar
And a sitar to sit on
Donning a cape
That some douchebag
Just spit on
My girlfriend, he hit on
Took off like a hit and run
Gun left in the backseat
It's novelty one
That pops out the words--

Brace yourself
You better pace yourself
You been drinking all night
And you can't chase yourself
Over and over
Till you're run out of Dover
Eating stovetop from Stouffer's
Trying to run down a rover

I wake up in Tallahassee
Man I can see me
Being bigger than Nietzche
Man, can't you see me
Damn, I can see me
Starring in Sondheim
Online viral videos
Singing Su-Su-Sudio
In the studio as my cover
Banging my lover
On the track list
Pack it up and miss this
Before I'm even gone
Long time coming
Since I heard that song
The song called--

Brace yourself
You better brace yourself
You know you can't win
When you race yourself
To the bottom of the barrel
To the top of the charts

And when you look down
You frown
Cause you're back
Where you started

Furniture

Don't sit on that sofa
That's my sofa
I sit there
I sit there on Tuesdays
Right after lunch
That's my Tuesday sofa
Those cushions are perfectly adjusted
So don't sit there

Do you like that bookcase?
It's premium oak
A nice oak bookcase
Like the kind
They don't make anymore

What?

No, it's not for sale
Are you crazy?
Didn't you just hear me?
That's premium oak

What?

I don't put books on it
Because I don't want
The shelves to collapse
Thereby ruining the bookcase
That's why there are no books
That's premium oak!

It's like I'm talking to myself

You thought this was a furniture store
Didn't you?
I thought maybe you were a visitor
But then again
I never get visitors
So who knows why I thought that

It used to be a furniture store
But then I decided
That I didn't need money
And I liked the furniture
So why sell it?

Besides
It's cozy

On Mondays I eat breakfast
On the Monday Dining Table
Although I don't have utensils
So I use chopsticks
That I made
From whittled down
Coffee table legs

The coffee table broke
When I tripped and fell on it
It was a tragedy
But something good
Should come of it

Then on Tuesdays
I sit on the Tuesday sofa
With my copy of 'Peyton Place'

Wednesdays are spent
In the far right corner
On the blue living room set

Thursdays I read
On the nice oak desk
Premium oak

Sometimes I write letters
To Herbert Hoover
About the state of the economy
And sometimes I ask
Why they canceled 'Petticoat Junction'

Fridays I sleep
Because I'm usually exhausted
And I have so many nice beds to choose from
No water beds though
I'm not running a crab shack

It's not the most exciting life
I'll give you that
But it's nice to be able to sit down
And rest your bones
Surrounded by nice things

I have mirrors everywhere
So it always feels like
There's people here
Even if they all look like me
And even if some of them
Could use a dye job

And every once in awhile
I get a visitor like you
Who usually stays for a few hours
Mostly because they can't find their way
Once they wander into the chaise section

That's enough excitement for me
That's all I need
To keep me going

Monday, June 22, 2009

An Opening Night Prayer

-- Since some people aren't that religious... --

"An Opening Night Prayer"

May the audience like the show.
May nobody in the first few rows fall asleep
During the unnecessarily and obnoxiously long
Fourth Act

(God, can you fucking believe there's a FOURTH act?)

May the reviewers here tonight
Be either drunk or stoned
Or have gotten laid
Right before they came to the theater

May the reception afterwards
Have a well-stocked open bar
And may Taylor get lost
On the way there
Because we all hate him

May the director die
May he die soon
May he die painfully
May he fall into a giant pit
And get eaten by a large animal

May the stage manager
Not have a nervous breakdown
Until the last cue is called
May she not lose it completely
Like she did in rehearsals
Or during previews
Or five minutes ago

May the children keep quiet backstage.
May their parents not try to take photos
During the show
And if they do
May they not call out to their children
To turn towards them
In order to get a better shot

May the donkey not shit onstage...again.
And if he does
May none of us step in it
While doing our barefoot salsa
That has so far broken the ankles
Of at least three ensemble members

May the ridiculous line that Taylor has to say
At the beginning of act two
Not cause all of us to burst into laughter
And if that does happen
May the audience be laughing
Even harder than we are
So that they won't notice us
And our unprofessionalism

May the producers never produce anything
By this insane and sadistic writer again
And may the writer himself
Continue to keep himself locked in the janitor's closet
While eating raw chicken
For we can't think of a worser fate
Than that

At least, not at the moment

May everyone whose fucked the asshole director
Get chlamydia
And may they start to feel it
During Act Four
While we're riding the mechanical bulls

May we all be able to laugh about this later
And by later, we mean when Taylor says that horrendous line
And may we all meet again
Behind the curtain
After the bows

Amen

Saturday, June 20, 2009

When Lily Went to Camp Largess

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Crandall,

I wish you could see
What I'm seeing right now.

I'm standing on a shore
Tables all around me
With folded up umbrellas

The moon is hitting the lake
Lake Pontatang, which borders the camp
And I'm finishing a bag of chips

A salty bag of chips
A fatty bag of chips
A nasty, calorie-filled
Bag of chips

This is the type of thing
That could get me fired
But then again
At this point
I'm probably already fired

I'm standing on this beach
As a harsh light
Projects itself directly onto me

This is just a light
That we keep on the lake
In case any naughty campers
Get the idea
To go skinny-dipping
After midnight

Our campers, as you know
Are high school students
Usually between fourteen and sixteen
And so it's silly to think
That they don't know about sex
That they're not aware of the fact
That they have bodies
With contours and exciting places
To explore

Actually
Given the circumstances
Anything and everything
On their bodies
Is probably more tempting to them
Because everything is so much...

Larger

The light, the harsh light
Makes me feel like I'm in a yard
A prison yard
Like I've just escaped
And again I say again

Again
I have
In a way
Escaped

I've escaped a way of thinking
Mr and Mrs. Crandall
And that is due
To my being
Your daughter's camp counselor

Your daughter, Lily
Has changed my life
Forever

This was going to be
My last summer at camp anyway

I'm finishing college next year
I've gotten a degree in teaching
I wanted to teach physical education
But now who knows if that's going to happen
I'm sure I can kiss any recommendation letters
From the owners of the camp

Gooooooooooooooooood-bye

I've worked here for four years
And for those four years
I was known as 'The Killer'
As in, I killed fat

Under my regime as 'The Killer'
I caused more teenagers to lose weight
Than any other counselor
At Camp Largess

(Affectionately known to most campers here
As Camp Large-Ass)

Campers feared me

As soon as they got off the bus
I'd have the girls crying
And the boys turned on
Turned on and crying

I've made campers throw up
I've made campers collapse
I've made campers beg me for mercy
I've made young men and women
Out of what I considered to be
Pathetic sacks of talking skin

I was a legend

And then I met Lily
I met your daughter
And everything changed

Your daughter stepped off that bus
The biggest girl we have ever had
Here at Camp Largess

Two-hundred and twenty pounds
Of Lily

I'll admit
It got me excited
The thought of taking this travesty
And making it into my final challenge
My swan song

It was thrilling

As soon as Lily was off the bus
I began my routine

Asking her what she'd eaten that day
Asking why she'd eaten what she'd eaten
Asking how she felt
Asking if she was ready
Ready and willing
To change her life

Her response?

'I ate five donuts.'
'I ate them because I was hungry.'
'I feel fantastic.'
'I'm ready, but are you?'

With that
She walked away
And a little part of me
A little fire inside my soul
Flared up
And began to burn

. . . . .

I hear them calling
Calling out there
Somewhere in the woods
Looking for me

'Maggie! Maggie!'

I've gone AWOL
Mr. and Mrs. Crandall
And they've gone to procedure
Standard procedure
For a missing camper
Or in this case
A missing Killer

I've been a part of that procedure
Once during my second year
A boy decided he'd had enough
He tried escaping the camp
Via the main road that runs
Along the back of the woods

I tracked him down myself
And when I found him
I didn't say a word to him

I just pointed a finger at him
And he wet himself

That's who I was
Before your daughter
Mr. and Mrs. Crandall

During her first week here
Lily was not one of the typical new campers
Who are normally picked on
By the legacies

Legacies being overweight campers
Who need more than one year
To overcome their weight challenges

(Most of them never do)

They seek confidence
In being able to torment
The younger campers
Especially the successful ones
The ones who lose weight

What cruel irony that is, huh?
You lose weight here
You lose popularity
So you get sad
You eat more
You gain weight
You gain friends
You gain back home
You get teased again
For gaining weight

Insanity, right?

That's the war that goes on
Between the social structure
And the administration
Here at Camp Largess

The fight to get kids skinny
And the fight to get them fat
I'll admit
And I would have admitted
Even before Lily
That I often feel the administration
Loses the war
Every year

Perhaps it was the fact
That Lily was the heaviest girl here
Perhaps that's why
Within days
She was the camp's biggest star

Every day at breakfast
In the Dining Hall
Lily would imitate a rooster
With such startling accuracy
One of the other counselors
Spilled orange juice
All over herself

Despite this incidence
Most of the other counselors
Were impressed by Lily's imitation
They thought that anything she could do
To win over the other campers
Should be applauded

I was not of the same opinion

A disruptive influence
Was a disruptive influence
And disruption doesn't do anybody
Any good

Oh yes, I was quite the hardass
Mr. and Mrs. Crandall

Believe me, if you sent Lily
To Camp Largess
To get a large dose of discipline
And a lot of verbal abuse
I was making sure
That you got your money's worth

By the end of the first day
Lily was the talk of the camp
Having successfully hit the target
Five times in a row
During archery

She had also gotten a raccoon
To come down from a tree
And eat from her hand
As if it were a kitten

The grand finale
Was a very public kiss
At the nightly campfire
With a third-year legacy
Frank Magano

Everyone was utterly charmed
One of my co-counselors
Called Lily

'An inspiration'

An inspiration, I thought
Oh yes, definitely
A two hundred and twenty pound
Obese inspiration

A walking heart collapse
My hero

I was so angry
That I walked to the lake
The lake I'm looking at now
It's always been where I go
When I need to collect my thoughts
Or strategize over how to make treadmills
Even scarier

When I got to the shore
I noticed footprints in the sand
Big footprints
Much like a Sasquatch
And I noticed that they led
Right into the water

I looked out onto the lake
And saw your daughter, Lily
Swimming around
With no clothes on

I remember a smile
Creeping across my face
Lily had now committed an infraction
She had broken one of the camp's strictest rules

'No Swimming Unsupervised--Especially at Night'

That meant she had to be disciplined
That meant she would no longer be the camp hero
That meant she would be handed over
To someone who could tame her

That meant she was mine

. . . . .

Over the next month
Your daughter and I
Engaged in what can only be described
As a Battle Royale

I remember on that first day
After she had been sentenced
To a serious probation
And handed over to me
To do with her
As I wished

The owners knew
That I was just the one
To break a wild horse
And that was your daughter
The wily filly
That needed to be broken

I remember that first day
When I marched to her cabin
At the ungodly hour
Of 4am

Prepared to wake her
From a sound sleep
Give her a jolt
Her first taste
Of life with Maggie

AKA, The Killer

My goal that day
Wasn't to kill off any fat
It was simply to acquire obedience
To get Lily
To recognize me
As her controller

You should have seen me,
Mr. and Mrs. Crandall
Sneaking up on the cabin
Expecting to storm in
And wreak havoc on your daughter

Perhaps, as a bonus
Scare the other first years
In the process
Make them feel lucky
That they were not
Going to be subject
To my wrath

But as I entered the cabin
All I found
Was a newfound respect
For my newest combatant

Not only was Lily awake
She was standing tall
While next to every bed
There stood a first-year
Doing jumping jacks

Lily was calling out numbers
Apparently when I arrived
They'd already completed
A set of twenty-five

(Although at the time
I was fairly convinced
They'd waited for me to enter
Before beginning these 'exercises.')

Lily smiled when she saw me
And with arms open
Gesturing to the strenuous physical activity
That was happening all around her
She said--

'Good morning, Killer. Care to join us?'

. . . . .

From there, it just got worse

When I would try to teach Lily
About cutting calories
Eating healthy
And dieting

She would simply list
Seventeen different kinds
Of eclairs

She would tell me
How given the chance
She'd force-feed me rigatoni
Because I was too skinny

I'd bark at her for this
But she never showed any fear
She just said my bad temper
Was a result of the fact
That I was probably in a constant state
Of starvation

I did, however, get the obedience
I so greatly desired
If only in the sense
That Lily did what I told her
She just did it her own way

I made her walk a mile
And while she was out walking
She'd pick up a few friends
So that when I'd get to the mile mark
I'd see Lily coming up the hill
With seventeen other campers behind her
Cheering as they got to me

The one thing I never made her do
Was swim in the lake
Even during Swim Time
Because I could see
That was something she enjoyed

And I was not about to reward
Disruptive behavior

Instead I made her climb up Junior Mountain
So-named because it's more like a foreboding hill
And she took her new pet raccoon with her
Got to the highest peak
Then started singing 'The Sound of Music'

I'm not sure you're aware of this,
Mr. and Mrs. Crandall
But your daughter
Has one of the loudest singing voices
I have ever heard

Her voice ricocheted throughout the camp
Until it reached the lake
Where all the campers simultaneously
Started singing along
With Lily's echo

The other counselors looked at me
To see if I would implode
But I still had an ace up my sleeve
A trick I hadn't used
Since I found that renegade camper
The one who peed himself
Right in front of me

Your daughter, Lily
Was going on the Killer Trail

. . . . .

The other campers begged me
They begged me not to make Lily
Do the Trail

The counselors asked
If I thought it was wise
Considering how big she was

The owners even expressed concern
That Lily might not be able to handle
The arduous nature of the Trail

I told them
That if anything happened to her
I would personally carry
Her nearly half-ton body
On my back
If it meant
That I could have my chance
At breaking her

And so, we marched

. . . . .

The Killer Trail
Is what I imagine
A descent into Hell
Must feel like

I created the Trail myself
During my spare time
My first year at camp
And ever since then
It has been legendary

I once took a group of counselors on it
And at the halfway mark
They were all begging me
To turn back
And not tell anyone
How much they'd wept

When I took the renegade camper
It took us ten hours to finish
And by the end o fit
He had the same look in his eye
That my father gets
When he talks about Nam

All of this were badges of honor
As far as I was concerned
And I couldn't wait to use the Trail
As a way of wiping the smile
Right off your daughter's face

. . . . .

During the first hour
Lily was her usual bubbly self
Pointing out different flowers to me
Calling out bird names
As they'd chirp in the distance

She had been forbidden
From taking her raccoon with her
Partly because this was a disciplinary measure
Partly because I doubt the raccoon would have survived

The second hour rolled around
And I could hear her breathing get heavy
She wasn't moving as fast
And she had to stop
Twice as much

By hour three, she was panting
Sweat was pouring down her face
We were now in the heart of the woods
And I could smell her fear

But she wouldn't ask for a break
She wouldn't beg me to stop
She wouldn't let up at all
She kept pressing on

And so did I

. . . . .

Towards the end of the Killer Trail
I began to worry
Lily did not look well
And I'm not one to panic
As some might

But I could tell
That I might have gone too far
I had been keeping just ahead of her
The entire Trail
But now I was right beside her

'Lily, why don't we stop?'
'No.'
'Lily, just sit--'
'No.'
'Lily--'
'I'm going to finish.'

It was impossible
The end of the Trail
Was a giant incline
Followed by a steep climb down
That put you on the shore
Of Lake Pontatang

By this time
It was late at night
It was hard to see your eyes
In front of your face
And I could hear the calling
Of the counselors
And other campers

We had been gone a long time
Much longer than the last time
I did the Trail
Because Lily was so much bigger
Than the renegade camper
Or the counselors
Who turned back at the halfway point

My colleagues were nervous
And they were calling out in the night
Making sure we were all right

I knew I had to call it off

'Lily, we're stopping here.'
'Wimp.'
'What?'
'You heard me.'
'Lily, you can't finish. I could finish. But you can't.'

Even then
Even with pity
Rearing its ugly head
Towards Lily
I still didn't want her to think
That I was the same as her
That I would have trouble finishing

Even though my muscles ached
They'd always ached
Even though I was thirsty
I'd always been thirsty
Even though the Trail
Had completely decimated my body
It had done that before
As many other things had
And I was still going

We were quitting
Because of
And for
Lily

'I'm...going...to...finish.'

This was absurd
All I could think about
Was getting fired
In my last year
For bringing about the death
Of a camper

I got right next to Lily
And put my arm around her
Or at least, I tried to
But she shoved me away
So that I fell into a pile
Of what I can only imagine
Was bear feces

The shock was so much
That I completely lost it
I looked over at her
This horrid blob
And I screamed--

'FINE! GO KILL YOURSELF, YOU FAT COW!'

Lily turned around
Looked at me
And for the first time
In hours
She seemed to brighten up

'Did you just call me fat?'
'I...I'm...'
'You're not allowed to call me fat.'
'I...I know that.'
'Say it again.'
'What?'
'Say it again.'

I shouldn't have
But now I could smell
Whatever it was
I had landed in

'You're fat.'
'I'm fat.'
'Yes, you are.'
'Yes, I am.'
'Fat.'
'Right.'
'Right.'

Then there was silence

'And you're miserable.'

It was the ace up her sleeve
At least, that's how it sounded
Like she'd been waiting to say it
All this time

'You're miserable. I'm fat.'

Two statements
Back to back
Lined up
Like a simile
Without the 'like'
Because there is no 'like'
Is there?

Then the finale

'I'd rather be fat than be you.'

And with that
Lily started walking again
And I just sat there
Thinking

I thought about being skinny
How I'd always been skinny
The lengths I had gone to
To make sure
That I would always be skinny

I thought of forsaking
Every other possible
Attractive personal quality
From wittiness
To a sense of humor
To a kind heart
In order to stay skinny

I thought of bathrooms
I thought of scales
I thought of treadmills
I thought of crying

Lots and lots
Of crying

Then I got up
I didn't bother
To dust myself off
I just got up

I caught up to Lily
And I started to walk by her
Over the sounds
Of her breathing
I started to say

'That's it. There you go. Almost there.'

. . . . .

Mr. and Mrs. Crandall
I'm standing on the shore
Of Lake Pontatang
Watching your daughter swim

I swear absolutely foul
I'm covered in sweat and shit
And in many ways
I'm a broken woman

But in many ways
I'm also exhilarated
Because an hour ago
I finished the Killer Trail
With your daughter
Right beside me

And when we reached the end
She collapsed at my feet
Where I've been trying to get
From the second I first saw her

I helped her up
I stumbled with her
The next few yards
To where the water was

And as soon as she felt it
The cool sensation
Of the lake
On her skin

Nicely chilled
From the moonlight

She was like a mermaid
Restored and reborn

And she started to swim

Soon they'll find us
And I'll lose my job
I'll be blacklisted
In the fat camp community

But that's okay

I'm writing this letter to you
Because I want to thank you
And I also want to admonish you
For sending your daughter
To this place

I know you must have problems with Lily
I know you probably feel about her
The way I felt about her
The way the world feels about her
Or maybe you don't

Maybe you sent her here
Because you knew she'd find home here
Amongst kids like her
Amongst her true peers

Who knows?

There are no morals at Camp Largess
Mr. and Mrs. Crandall
There are victories
There are defeats
And at the end of August
When September is calling
We all go home

We learn nothing
We only achieve
Or we fail

At least
That's what I thought
Until I saw your daughter
Dive into that lake

Now I don't know what I think
I only know I was wrong
I was wrong
And I still don't know what's right

Isn't that something?

I love your daughter, Mr. and Mrs. Crandall
I love her the way someone in a burning building
Loves a fireman as he crashes through
Their living room window

Thank you for sending her here
And also, possibly, shame on you

Sincerely,
Maggie 'The Killer' Brayton

Play All Night Long

-- I really wasn't planning on doing another one of these 'Play' pieces, but then I heard 'All Night Long' on the radio, and I remembered going on a date with a guy who told me that the happiest moment of his life was at a party in Miami where at 2am they played 'All Night Long.' Now, that statement can be considered a lot of things, but it perfectly summed up this guy. Incidentally, I never went on another date with him, but apparently I got some writing out of it. --

"Play All Night Long."

Dance with me, Miami
I'm gonna call you Miami
You're gonna be my Miami boy
And when the morning arrives
We'll get omelets
We'll go to my place
And hop in the pool
With all our clothes on

Don't you wanna dance with me, Miami?
Is that your boy over there?
Is that why he's shooting me looks?
Oh, he's your ex-boy, huh?
How long has he been your ex-boy?
Does he know he's your ex-boy?
Does he know I'm about to be your new boy?

Ohhhh here it comes
Here comes 'All Night Long'

There are so many people
There are so many people here
I can't move
I can't move at all
Who knew it could feel so good
Not being able to move?

I feel like the party has a heart
And I'm at the heart of the party
The beating is in rhythm with Mr. Ritchie
There's a steady build
To you and me winding up
In a cool pool
Somewhere west of here

If you wanna
If you wanna dance with me, Miami
C'mon Miami
How can you not wanna dance
When they play 'All Night Long?'

Look at you with the little white t-shirt
And the jeans you got on sale
I know sale jeans when I see 'em
I'm not ragging on you
I'm just bragging about my ability
To see a good deal
I can always tell a good deal

That's how I know
You should dance with me
I know you're a good deal
Aren't you, Miami?

Just dance with me for this one song
Just dance for this
Just dance for 'All Night Long'

God, I love it
When they play 'All Night Long'

. . . . .

Are you going to kiss me?
It's almost midnight, you know
It's bad luck
You know about that, right?
The bad luck
Don't you think
We both have enough
Bad luck over our heads
Without adding more to it
Right before the new year?

Jerry?

I left him back in Miami
Left him dancing with some clubrat
At Poleno's in July
Right after we broke up

Thought maybe we were gonna...
Thought a lot of things
Didn't think I'd wind up in New York
And they'd be playing this song

Seems like wherever I go
They're playing this song
Making me miss Jerry
Making me miss warm weather
Making me want to run all over again

It's nice to be high above the crowd
In Miami you're always in the crowd
When you're surrounded by people like that
You don't know who's touching you
You don't know which body parts are yours
You don't stop yourself
From kissing strangers

It's hard to see anything
It's hard to see anybody
Even the person
Standing next to you

Even if you've known them forever
Suddenly they're pushed up against you
And you can see their face
Right up close

And for the first time
You notice
They're not looking at you
They don't look at you
At all

So I prefer this
A nice little hotel room
High above Times Square
Where you can still hear the music
But you don't have to be in it
You don't have to be in the music

You don't have to worry
That you'll close your eyes
And get lost in the rhythm
In the beat of the song
In the middle of strangers

Funny how a happy song sounds
When you're heartbroken
It sounds like you're being teased
It sounds like the world
Is laughing at you

You're at the party
And you feel like
You weren't invited
And that you're not really there

Then they play 'All Night Long'
And for a second
You let yourself believe
That everything can be okay again
That at least as long as the song is playing

You're fine

So you want to kiss me?
Better do it soon
Before the song's over
By then it may be the new year

By then it may be
Too late

. . . . .

That is so cruel
I'm just trying to walk home
Really, I'm just trying
I swear I want to go home
And I walk by Lucinda's
And they're playing 'All Night Long'

Now how am I not going to go in
When they play 'All Night Long?'
You know I have to
You know I have to go in
Don't you?

Look, if you're going to be my friend
What's your name anyway?
Look, Nikos, if you're going to be my friend
Then you can't have a day job
Day jobs, like other adult trappings
Prevents you from doing certain things
That I live my life around

Spontaneity
Frivolity
And the ability
To walk into a club
At three o'clock in the morning
In the worst neighborhood in LA
And dance to 'All Night Long'

I met my last boyfriend to this song
Met him at a party in Miami
That's what he called me
He called me Miami
That was the last night I saw Chris
He took off that night
Left the key to the apartment
On the table in the hall

Chris was who I was--
You know what, never mind
It's not really important
Chris is ancient history
I think he's living in New York now
Who the hell isn't living in New York, right?

Chris wasn't anything
Compared to Carlos
I can tell you that much
Carlos was--Fuck, you know?

I was a kid when I met him
A twenty-seven year old kid
And then he grew me up
He grew me up to a man
Into a man who fucks life
Then leaves before life wakes up

Ha! You know?
You know what I mean?
Hey, keep up, okay?
I may be drunk
But I'm fast
I'm fast when I'm drunk

Carlos taught me that
Taught to be on shit
And still be on my game
Taught me to be alert

Had to be alert with Carlos
Cause he was a magician
He knew all the tricks
Taught me the tricks too
But I wasn't as good at them

That's why he left

He thought that I was...
He said 'liability'
That's what he said
So you know...

Hey whatever
Let's go dance, Nikos
Let's go inside
And close the place

Then we can go home
You can always go home, you know
Home's not going anywhere
But the party

The party only lasts for so long
And by the time they play 'All Night Long'
It's like you can almost hear it
It's like the ticking
Like you can hear ticking

It's like you can almost hear
The party ending

Summer's Gone

-- I know it's a little bit odd to write a piece called "Summer's Gone" in June, but I like the way it sounds. --

"Summer's Gone"

I know where he is
Down on Chilton Street
Past the boulevard
Reading magazines

At that seedy little bookstore
Where you two rendezvous
Looking around the shelves
To see if you're hiding there
Waiting for him
To give you a lift
Onto of the Hemingway pile

I know where he is
I know who he is
I knew who he was
When I married him

And I'm not surprised
Never been surprised
By his indiscretions
A lesson you learn
When you earn yourself a ring
Is that nothing is simple

Nothing is simple
And nothing is simple
Or easy, or carefree
With him

And I deal with that
And I live with that
And I'm good with that
When it's summertime

'Cause we all get hot
And we all get crazy
And we're all looking
To take off our clothes

And our skin
And our jobs
And our wedding rings
And roll around
In the back of some bookstore
With some bitch from Brale Street
You meet on a Friday
At Tully's Bar and Grille

But the summer's gone
Honey, summer's gone
No more lemonade
No more bathing suits

You gave him something to sweat on
When he needed to feel like a boy
But cold weather is coming
And he's gonna need warming up
That's where I come in

No more barbecues
No more backyard flings
No more volleyball
No more block parties

'Cause the summer's gone
And the bookstore's closed
Till next June rolls around
He'll be good again

He won't wander or wonder
What he might be missing
While he's kissing me under the blankets
While the radiator's hissing
And he won't be missing you
On those nights

On those winter nights
On those snowy days
You'll be far away
In some faded place
Where it's just as cold
And you're all alone

With nobody's husband
And nobody's nothin'
And all that you've got
Is a copy of 'The Sun Also Rises'
And the picture of you two
At the beach

I wasn't worried
I wasn't scared
I knew time would tell
And it told on you

I just wait it out
Like I always do
And now summer's gone
And sweetie

So are you

Friday, June 19, 2009

Don't Stop at the Door

If you're gonna go, go
If you're gonna lay back
Wait me to take back
Everything I just said
I'll be dead before I regret
A single breath that just
Came out of my mouth

If you're gonna go, go
But don't stop at the door
Poor you with your cinematography
Being screwed up by me
Used up acting lessons
For an argument you didn't think
Would be the end

If you're gonna go, go
Don't show me tears
Brought on by memories
Recalling past tragedies
To get to me, see
I think I've seen
This play before

More to the point
Point yourself in the direction
Of an erection who will put up
With your predilection for stupidity
Me and my bad taste
Will go find another waste of space
To place ourselves with

Kiss me and miss me later
And cater your apologies
To someone other than me
You're going to have a hard time
Saying sorry
When your jaw's on the floor

If you're gonna go, go
But don't stop at the door

Why I Chose Your Father

He wasn't handsome
That's the first myth I'll dispel
Every time a woman
Talks about her divorced husband
She says--

Well, he was so handsome

Well, he wasn't handsome
Your father was NOT handsome
Not by any means

The only reason you're handsome
Is because my father
Was a distant cousin
Of Steve McQueen

Otherwise
You'd have been screwed, sonny boy
Screwed

I chose your father
Because he was careful
There was something
Very prepared about him

It was a little like--
When you're in the market
And you're going to make dinner
And you walk by the frozen food aisle
And you think to yourself

Wow, that would be a lot easier

So you buy the frozen food
It's not as good for you
But you're tired
You just want to eat

That was why I chose your father
He was a tv dinner

I chose your father
Because I knew he'd always be on time
I knew he'd always pay the bills
I knew he could do a lousy job
And be happy at it
And never want to do anything else

I entertained the idea
That maybe one day
He would have a mid-life crisis
And realize his entire life
Was one gigantic semi-colon
But he never did

Thank God

We wouldn't have gotten divorced
If not for the fact that he started drinking
And I wouldn't put up with it

I feel bad for you, sonny boy
You only remember the drinker
You don't remember the dad
And that was the thing about him
He was a hell of a good dad

He used to watch you
Like you were the best movie
He'd ever seen

Like you were a kite in a thunderstorm
And the only way to keep you
From getting hit by lighting
Would be to keep his eyes on you
At all times

He was the only father
I knew of, in my group of friends
Who demanded that I sleep
When you woke up in the night
Just so he could go sit by your bed
And make sure you were okay

You had a lot of good years with him
The cruel irony is that those are the years
You don't remember now

You only remember the brooding
The nasty comments
The failed appearances
You only knew him
Once stopped being on time

But if you want to know why I chose him
I chose him because I chose you
Because I knew I wanted you
Even before I had you
And I wanted to have you
With someone like him

Maybe not the best husband
Maybe not a prince or a passionate lover
Maybe not even eighth best, let alone second best
But a good father

Up until you were ten...

That was him
That was him, all the time

That's why I chose him
Could I have chose better?
Maybe

But I like to think
I got ten good years
We both did

Some people don't even get that
So try
Try harder
To remember those years

Then you'll know
Why I chose your father

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Hold the Kitten

Leo, you have to hold the kitten
Hold it up to the light
Like in 'The Lion King'
Remember?
Remember how he held up the baby lion?
That's how you have to hold up Cha-Cha

Okay?

Hold him up
Stay like that
Freeze!

GREAT!

Mama got the shot
That's how we do it
That's how we get the shot

Now this time
I want you to hold him
Like a little baby
Just like a little baby
And you're it's Daddy
And we don't know where it's Mommy is
Because maybe she left
Because she didn't really want a baby
Because she had a kitten
And not a real baby

Who knows?

Cradle the kitten
Cradle it
Don't worry
It's not going to--

Okay
Well
If you had been cradling it
It wouldn't have scratched you
Right?
Riiiiight?
That's right

Mama's gotta get this calendar done
Before the month is over
Or we can all kiss that trip to Canopy Lake
Gooooood-bye

So let's try and be professional, okay?
I let you stay home from kindergarten to do this
So I expect a little bit more gratitude
And a better work ethic
Okay?

Okay

Cassie?
Do you have your sunflower head on yet?
Well put it on!

Honey, it's not too small
Your head's just gotten bigger
Since we did last year's calendar
I told you not to eat so much
Your head was already too big for your body
Now you look like a Peanuts character

Put the head on
And get Josie ready
To go into the giant teacup
Or I'll be shooting this thing
Until midnight

Leo, don't let the kitten escape
If he claws you a little
I'll get you a band-aid
But you CANNOT let him go

Try to lay him on his stomach
He'll look cuter that way

CASSIE!

That sunflower head looks ridiculous
I know you're not a baby anymore
But can't you work it a little bit?
Maybe we can go a different route
Stick your tongue out a little
Like you know you look stupid
And you don't care

No, No, No

They'll hate that
They will
They'll hate it
Then my reputation will be marred

Nobody wants a calendar
Where every month
Is a photo of a girl
With her giant head
Stuck in a different flower

Josie, honey
Stay in the teacup
Until Mama shoots you

Cassie, how warm is that water?
Did you warm it up
Before you put her in there?

NO, DON'T PUT IT ON THE STOVE!

It's not a real teacup
It's a prop
Remember when I explained to you about--

Leo?
LEO!
Where's the kitten?

GO FIND THE KITTEN!

Goddamit!
I am sick of working with amateurs
From now on, I'm stick with puppies
Puppies and nature shots

Cassie
Take off that sunflower
And go stand on the hill
I'll get a shot of you
In front of the sunset

That'll at least be something
Then maybe today
Won't have been
A total waste

Get Yourself Straight

They all want to fix me
Play tricks on me
Slip around me
Try to keep me grounded
Of sound mind and body
So I can be
The friend they need to be
But basically a lean-on
Be on time for meetings
When I meet them at the bars
Driving 'round the stars
Of the inner circle

They don't want to work
They don't want to try
They don't want to help me
They just don't want to
Watch me die

It'd be too much trouble
To get a three-piece suit
Root around in their closets
Or put a deposit on a tux
See their lives once again
Go into a flux
Over the death of a friend

So they keep telling me
Telling me, over and over
Get yourself straight, man
You gotta get yourself straight

They have their addictions
But they won't support mine
That's fine by me
But what I can't see
Is how they're going to be up
At three am when I need a friend
To tell me I'm not dying again
When my yen for destruction
Rears it's ugly head
Who's going to help me advance
When chances are they never got past
The textbook's introduction

I'm sick of being sick
But I'm sick of my doctors too
I'm through sitting in waiting rooms
My whole life I've been waiting
Debating just finding a bridge
Or a ridge with a view
And seeing myself into the blue
Just always seems
Like a selfish thing to do

But nothing as selfish
As shooting up
Next to your newly minted
Rehab grad pal

They tell you to abandon
Your life
Because it's rife with sickness
And everyone around you
Is infected with it
Like a zombie movie
Where you're the only sane one
Or are you?
Are you sane?
If they're all crazy?
Doesn't it flip?
Trip you up sometimes
To think that maybe
Those thirty days
Were a waste of your time?

You can't start over, can you?
You need stability
They tell you that
But then they tell you
Get rid of them
Get rid of them all
They're all going to fall
And they'll take you down
With them

They tell you that you have to learn
To live and yearn in a world
Where nobody is in recovery
But when you discover that people
Aren't willing
To put their sins away
To keep you clean
What it means to be cured
Making people sure that they can
Damn themselves in front of you
And it's okay
And it's okay
And it's okay

You sometimes wonder
How you got yourself straight
In the first place
And even though you did
How you gonna keep yourself
That way?

Monday, June 15, 2009

Bobby's Basement

There's an Indian man
In Bobby's basement
That's reading palms
For a dollar
Or a beer
Whatever you have on hand

There's a psychic as well
But all she keeps saying is--

'It's going to rain.'

--And it does

It pours
It downpours
It floods the streets
But not Bobby's basement

So we all run down the stairs
Into the coolness of the exposed cement
And sit in a circle on the floor
Watching the weather channel
On his black and white tv

Until he gets tired of weather
And puts on DVD's of 'Taxi'
And if you don't like 'Taxi'
He says--

'Take a f**king hike. Who the f**k doesn't like "Taxi?"'

There's a wallaby in Bobby's basement
That we've named Consuela
Because he says he got her in Espana
On his trip around the world
Which lasted a week and a half
Until he got food poisoning in Barcelona
And in a state of delirium
Kidnapped Consuela from a local zoo
Then somehow managed to smuggle her
Into this country
And his basement

We watch her hop around
While the Indian man
Tries to catch her
So he can read her paws
And the psychic looks at her
And says--

'It's going to rain, Consuela. It's going to rain.'

There's a corner
Where Jad sits with Tori
And they make out
While we watch
Unabashedly
Because f**k them
They don't care

They don't care that we're single
They don't care that we're hungry
For the saliva of another
Rolling around in our mouths
While hands clasp at waistlines
And breath is stolen
With each exhale

They make out
And we critique
As if we're watching a movie
A really monotonous movie
And we say--

'Look at how he doesn't know what to do with his left hand.'
'Look at how she won't let him touch her leg. Geez, it's just a f**king leg.'
'Look at how he's kind of crying.'
'Look at how she's running the whole show.'
'Look at how they look like they're eating each other.'

We eat chips and salsa
We eat popcorn
We eat candy canes
We eat easter chocolate
We eat peanut butter cups
We eat pizza (delivery, not D-whatever-the-f**k)
We eat ham slices
We eat raw onions
We eat cabbage soup
We eat crap

And
We
Love
It

We play games
We strip and dance
Like strippers
Looking like idiots
And christen ourselves
With brilliant stripper names

'I'm Henny Penny!'
'I'm Mona Lisa!'
'I'm Gretchen Mol!'
'I'm Felicia BoBeesha!'
'I'm Joan Van Ark!'

We play Dare or Dare
Where all the dares involve kissing
We kiss each other
We kiss best friends
We kiss best friends girlfriends
We kiss members of the opposite sex

Likewise, members of the same sex

We kiss and laugh
Kiss and laugh
Until we're all roaring
With each kiss
A burst of laughter
At how funny it feels
To kiss someone
For the fun of it
Just for the fun of it

We roll around on the cool cement
We wear bathing suits
We wear togas
We wear old Halloween costumes
We wear wigs

Bobby gets Richardson to play his guitar
And the Indian man leads us in a rousing rendition
Of 'Joy to the World'

'Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea!'

The Indian man reads the palm
Of Shelly Ribbler
And tells her
That her first child
Will be a genius
And that her second child
Will invent a new condiment
That will resemble ketchup
But be far more successful

Shelly seems to like this idea
And calls her boyfriend
To tell him the good news
And that she's already pregnant
With the genius

Outside the water rushes by
The windows are so high up
We can't see the rivers
Surrounding Bobby's house
But we put on our floaties
All the same

We put coins in the jukebox
And when the Hully Gully comes on
We pretend we know how to do it
Even though we don't

The psychic knows it
But she won't teach us
She's hiding underneath the stairs
Saying--

'It's going to rain. It's going to rain.'

The kiddie pool near the washer/dryer
Is filled with grape kool-aid
And when we want to be purple
We jump in and splash around
Making ourselves look
Different shades of eggplant

There are vines on the walls
The plants have flowers
That open up and release different fragrances
That we lap up our nostrils
Like horses at a trough

Smells like apricots
Smells like rubbing alcohol
Smells like tangerines
Smells like new car
Smells like strawberries
Smells like tofu

Bobby puts a crown on his head
A crown made up of newspaper clippings
Reviews of movies he didn't like
Fake bird feathers
And a pail for little kids
To use at the beach

He calls himself our Dionysus
And we bow down to him
As the Indian man
Begins to sing again

This time it's 'American Pie'

That's when we hear the door open
That's when the water comes creeping down the stairs
Slower, much slower, than you'd think
And we hear the psychic say--

'I told you...I told you...'

And it starts to rain

When You Get Here

When you get here
It'll be two years from now
And I'll be married
Happily married
Living in Ohio
With a child

When you get here
It'll be spring
And warm
And I'll be mowing my lawn
Seeing your car pull up
Wondering
How I'm going to tell you
That you're late
Too late
Far too late

For a second too late
Is still too late
And two years too late
Is laughable, really
When you think about it

When you get here
I won't recognize your face
The face I loved
Belonged on a man
Two years ago
A man who thought
He had nothing but time

Time to run around
Time to kill
Time to waste
Time to love everyone
But me

You take your time
You take your chances
Don't you?
Don't you think?

When you get here
I'll send my son inside
And smile as I do so
So as not to make him think
This man on our lawn
Is anyone he should concern himself with

He is my only concern now
Now you are just a man on the lawn
That I have to see to
Much like I would see
To a politician going door-to-door
Looking for a vote

You'll know
You'll know as soon as you see me
You'll know that the person you're looking for
Left a long time ago
And to be honest
I haven't seen her since

You'll nod your head
You'll accept this fate
You'll climb into your car
And once again
You'll leave

And a part of me
Knowing it wasn't possible
Knowing it wouldn't have made a difference
Knowing that I should be happy
With what I have
With my marriage
With my son
A part of me will still
Guiltily still

Wish you had gotten here
That one second sooner

Sunday, June 14, 2009

How We Spent the Stolen Money

If you work at Taylor's Coffee Shop
You steal money
It's what we do
It's understood
That you steal from Taylor
Because Taylor is a dickhead
And he doesn't need the money
And if you're working at Taylor's Coffee Shop

Believe us
You need the money

So you steal
You steal money
It's fine
Really, it is
Everybody does it
So it's okay

Say what you want
You moralists out there
But if everybody's going sixty
And the speed limit says fifty
You go sixty
That's called 'flow of traffic'
That's called 'it's legal'
And legal is right
If you're an atheist
As most of us are

But that's neither here
Nor there

All that's there
Is the money
So you steal it
And you spend it
On little things
Because the money...

Well
It ain't much

This is how we spent the stolen money
And we're talking
Twenty bucks here
Twenty bucks there
Maybe thirty
On a good night

This is how we spent
Our money
Because we really believed
It was ours

Katherine spent it on cigarettes
Taylor, unknowingly, stopped her
From quitting smoking

Had she kept on being broke
She'd have had to give up smoking
But because of the twenty extra bucks a day
She could keep up on her bad habit
And since stealing is bad
Why not spend the money you make from stealing
On something bad?

Katherine didn't care about stealing from Taylor
Because he grabbed her ass once
And told her she'd get more tips
If she bent over more

She didn't say anything
She just took twenty from the drawer
And gave away five free coffees
Then bought a pack after work
And smoked the whole damn thing

If it weren't for smoking
She'd have walked into work
And punched Taylor's lights out
So in a way
Stealing from Taylor
Kept Taylor from getting a black eye

Nicolette spent the stolen money
On the boyfriend nobody liked
She bought him all sorts of presents
And when he left her
For a girl still in high school
She spent the stolen money
On a bus ticket

And we never saw her again

Gary spent the stolen money
On trips to Land of Liberty
The nearby amusement park
Where he would ride the roller coaster
Until the teenagers working the rides
Made him get off

He lived with his mom
In an apartment complex
Within walking distance of the coffee shop
And one time we all got high after work
Right in the parking lot
And went to go get him
So we could all go to the beach
And get doughboys

He answered the door
He looked like shit
Katherine pointed this out to him
And in the background
We could hear his Mom throwing up
He told us it was from the chemo
We all looked down at our feet
Wondering how to get away

He did it for us
He shut the door
We all went home

Fun story, huh?

Leonard didn't spend the stolen money
He saved it, saved it all up
In a giant jar in his room
Imagine that?
Displaying your crime
In an empty glass jar

The gall, right?

He saved up until the end of the year
When he emptied out all his money
Bought himself that hair removal procedure
The one with the lasers
And got all his back hair off

After that he was like a new man
Katherine even considered dating him
When Taylor asked
How he could afford the procedure
Leonard said--

'Must be all the money I'm stealing from you, Taylor.'

Taylor laughed
Dumb fuck

And how did I spend the stolen money?

I'd go to the dollar store every day
And I'd have a spree
With my twenty dollar bill
How cool is it
That with twenty dollars
In the dollar store
You can have a veritable shopping binge?

I'd buy my baby anything
That I thought he might like

Toys
Books
Little umbrellas
Funny hats
Plastic cups
A watering can

I think
At one point
I owned one
Of every item
In that store's inventory

Taylor might as well have been my little boy's father
For all he indirectly gave him
So maybe he wasn't such a dick after all

. . . . .

Before I left Taylor's Coffee Shop
We all went out to eat
At the nicest restaurant in town

Gary couldn't come
Because his mom wasn't doing so good
Katherine said she'd take him some food
But we couldn't figure out what he'd want
So we ordered lobster
And steak

So he could choose

We all ordered wine
And raised our glasses
Knowing we were drinking
Drinking and eating
Using our bounty

We were criminals

And we didn't feel bad
Maybe you think we're bad people
But we're not

Sometimes Nicolette sends postcards
And I put them on my wall
But she doesn't send photos
And I'm glad

Because I wouldn't want to look at her
Because I wouldn't want her to look at me
Because I'm ashamed
But not about the money

It's just money
It's money, you know?
Just money

There's so much else
So many other reasons
To feel ashamed

What Happened to the Plan?

It's ninety-eight degrees
It's Arizona
It's the middle of nowhere
This was not the plan

The hookie thing
That hooks the boat
To the truck
Has somehow eroded
And fallen off
And now the boat
Is in the middle of the road

This was not the plan

The dogs have taken over the boat
Our dogs, Patti and Louise
Have climbed into the boat
They refuse to come out of it
Maybe they think they're on the ocean

Who knows?

All I know is
This was not the plan

I'm hot
I'm sweaty
I smell like braised lamb
And this was not the plan

Why
Why
Why

Why did we think
That driving to see your mom
In Nevada
Would be a fun thing to do?
When nothing indicated
That would be the case

Why are we visiting your mother?
When she hasn't called you
For three years
When she hates me
When she hates the dogs
When the dogs pass her photo
On the table in the hall
They crouch down
As if she's looking at them

I understand
That you want her
Back in your life
But why
Does she have to be
In my life?

She's not my mother
My mother is in a home
Back in San Diego
Where mothers belong
Once they've reached the point
Where they're throwing things at you
And calling your partner
A soulless whore

I didn't expect
To be driving to see a woman
Who keyed Italian cursewords
Into the side of my car

This was not the plan

The plan was to get married
The plan was to have children
The plan was to be happy

The plan was not to have dogs
And dress them up
And throw birthday parties for them
And pretend that's normal

The plan was not to wait to get married
The plan was not to say we don't believe in marriage
When one of us CLEARLY does believe in marriage
And here's a hint

I SUBSCRIBE TO BRIDE MAGAZINE!

The plan was not to invite negativity
Bitterness and Depravity
Back INTO our lives
When it's hard enough
As it is
To keep the good stuff around

The plan was not to buy a boat
I didn't want a boat
You don't even want a boat
You just wanted to know
You COULD buy a boat

Then once you got one
You wanted to connect to your mom
And show your mom your boat
As if it's some sort of accomplishment
As if it's a sign that you're doing well
As if it'll make up for the fact
That you can't bring her a grandchild

THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN!

. . . . .

It's hot
I'm hot
I'm angry
The dogs are on the deck of the boat
And they're looking down on us
As if we're drowning
In some vast ocean

An ocean of sand
An ocean of heat
An ocean of sharks
And lost people
And failure
And loneliness

And who knows?

Maybe we are

Saturday, June 13, 2009

What Happened to Us?

What happened to us?

We became photos
In a lost photo album
We became words
In an ancient language
We became portraits
Hung on the walls
Of a burning house

We became dated
We became downtrodden
We became laughable
We became less

Less trusting
Less important
Less original
Less of ourselves
More like each other

We used to be more
More than just us
More than two people
At a party
Standing next to each other
Wanting to break away
And talk to everyone else there

We became antiques
We became old-fashioned
We became old
We became fashionable
But not in fashion
And our passion died
Along with our ideals
And our ideas
Of what we could be
If we could see anything through

We became gossip and rumors
We became tourists in Times Square
We became actors on a soap opera
We became less that what
We had been before
We were together

What happened to us?

We stopped singing in the shower
We stopped dancing in the kitchen
We stopped making love in the living room
We stopped swimming in the pool at midnight
We stopped kissing
We stopped laughing
We stopped making each other laugh
We stopped trying

We just stopped

And there weren't anymore parties
And there weren't anymore late-nite diner runs
And there weren't anymore vacations
And there weren't people there
Aside from you and me
And being alone
With another person
Is almost worse
Than being alone
And by yourself

What happened was...

I found myself
Driving home
Late at night
And it had been three weeks

It had been three weeks
And I hadn't heard from you
Spoken to you
Left you a voicemail
Tried to call you
Or thought of you

Three weeks
Three weeks is...
I think what happened

If you were to ask
I would think
Of all those other things
But really, I'd be thinking
Three weeks

We made it three weeks

And once you know
That you can spend
Three weeks
Away from someone
Who used to make you panic
By taking three steps
Away from you

Once you know
You're not 'us' anymore
Nothing that happens after that
Can ever change
What has become
Who you are

Remember This

Remember the way
He leans into you
When you wrap your arms
Around his waist
And pull him in

Remember the way
Your lips feel on his neck
The texture of his skin
The quick glances at up his eyes
To make sure they're closed
To see if he's smiling

Remember the way
He responds
The way his voice sounds
When it's brought down
To a whisper

How he is
When everything about him
Becomes easy

Remember this
You should remember this

Friday, June 12, 2009

What Happened to the Staff?

What happened?
I fired them
Isn't it obvious?
There's nobody here

I'll tell you what
It was funny
It was incredibly funny
How it happened

I walked into work today
And I decided
That either I was going to jump out the nearest window
Or fire everyone in sight

As it turns out
The window was painted shut
So that only left
Option B

I fired them all
One massive chop
And every ounce of stress
In my life
Was eradicated

I fired Andrea
Because she's dumb
Because I never wanted to hire her
Because you made me hire her
I'm assuming because
You liked looking at her fake breasts
Or maybe it was her sparking personality
Either way, it doesn't matter now
I fired her

I fired Morgan
Because he has body odor
And he likes to stand close to you
When he talks
About meaningless things
Like his fake wife
And his fake barbecues
That he throws with his fake wife
Who nobody has even seen
Because she's fake
I fired him
And I would have fired his fake wife
If she worked here

I fired Trina
Because her name is Trina
And that's stupid
That's a stupid name
Wasn't there a Power Ranged named Trina?
The yellow one?
I hate the yellow one
So I fired Trina
With her fake teeth

Why was EVERYBODY in this office
So goddammed fake?

It was like working
With a bunch of biobots

So I fired them all
Harry who had three weeks
Until he retired?

Fired him

Because he was old
Because he was old and mean
Because I wanted to see him cry
Because I needed to know he was human
And you know what?
He didn't cry
That old bastard didn't cry
He laughed
That just goes to show you
How insane he was

Three weeks until retirement
No job
And he's laughing
Like a goddammed leprechaun
On a pot o' gold

He was probably going to come in here one day
Leap onto his desk
And jump onto the nearest rainbow
Turning us all into stone
On his way up to Cloud Town

. . . . .

Do you want to know what happened?

I realized
That I shouldn't have to spend
More time with people I hate
Than with people I like

I like lots of people
I like even more dogs
But generally
I like people

But I hated all those people
All the people I just fired
I hate their guts

And they hated me
And we all hated each other
And worked in a hateful environment
Where hateful products
Were most likely produced

So I think I've done us all a favor
I think I've saved everybody
A lot of heartache

Granted, I no longer have a staff
But you know what?
Come Monday morning
I'm going to be smiling
For the first time
In God knows how long

I'm going to be smiling
Standing at the water cooler
All by myself

Play Ain't No Mountain High Enough

Eve's dancing in the kitchen
Dancing away
While she makes the salad dressing
Whipping it up
While she dances
Dances on linoleum
Like she's fifteen again

She doesn't like Diana Ross' version
It's too 'I'm Diana Ross'
And Eve is not
Nor has she ever been
Diana Ross

She likes the way Marvin Gaye's voice
Slips right over Tammy Terrell's voice
It's as if he's catching her
Right before she falls
Into his gorgeous arms
That's what Eve imagines
When they play 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough'

Eve's son--Scott--is in the car
On his way home
From being fired
By someone half his age
And he is not thinking about his mother
Or having dinner at her house later
Or how the radio signals got mixed up
So that NPR became an Oldies station
But he likes the song
So he turns it up

He taps on the steering wheel
He thinks of how to tell his wife
That he's lost his job
That they'll have to move
That he's not altogether unhappy
About either situation
And he taps
Taps
Taps on the steering wheel

Scott sings along to the Marvin part
Pretends that Tammy is in the car with him
Pretends Tammy is his wife
Not Ann Marie
Who will no doubt
Cry for eight solid days
When she hears the news

He pretends he has a woman in his life
Like Tammy Terrell
Who will love him
Come hell or high water
Or the end of Motown
Or a really low valley
Or anything, really

He pretends that this woman is his wife
And she's the one who's saying
'If you need me, call me'
'No matter where you are'
'No matter how far'
God, he envies Marvin
The Marvin living in the radio
Dueting constantly
Never having to leave
The comforts of the airwaves

He pulls into his driveway
Trying not to smile
Because that will infuriate Ann Marie
But finding it difficult
Much more difficult
Than he imagined it would be

His niece--Danielle--is at school
She's helping decorate for the prom
Which will be held in the auditorium
Because the school is broke
Super Broke
Like there-almost-weren't-yearbooks
Broke

She left the radio on
To Craze 107FM
But somehow
The signal got scrambled
And that song from 'Stepmom' came on
And it wasn't a bad song
And she liked 'Stepmom'
So she left it alone

Hank Bradley was in the auditorium with her
They had been working silently
Under ladders
Under banners
Right next to each other
Not saying a word

But when the song came on
Danielle started to sway
Then Hank started to as well
Pretty soon they were swaying
But not dancing
Because Hank was dating Larissa
Because Danielle was dating Charlie
Because the world would crumble
If they danced together

But then Hank grabbed her
And strolled her across the auditorium
Like they were being judged
But at the same time, didn't care

There was dipping involved
There was dipping and strutting
There was laughter
And yes
There was kissing

Danielle felt horrible
But how horrible can you feel
When that song is playing?
Not that horrible
Not even a little

Back in Eve's kitchen
She thought of her husband
Out on the porch
Staring at nothing
Soaking up the neighborhood

She went out on the porch
And didn't say a word
She just started dancing in front of him
And he laughed
But didn't move

She had to grab him
Stand him up
But once she did
His old instincts came in
He used to take her dancing
All the time

So they danced out on the lawn
Where they could barely hear the music
And cars beeped as they went by
At the little old couple
At the song
Playing in their radios

Somewhere across town
Eve's granddaughter
Was dancing with a boy
She would never see again

And on the other side of town
Her son was dancing with his wife
Who cried for eight minutes
Then took Scott's hands
And said--

'We'll be fine'

Causing her husband
To take her hand
And lead her
To the radio