The Villain Monologue

-- This is for Jay --

"The Villain Monologue"

One second

Allow me to swivel
In my specially-made swivel chair
Designed to swivel
At a very slow speed
Thereby allowing me
To take my time
And terrify you

Take note of my deformed hand
Glance at the scar over my open eye socket
Notice how I sneer at will
Then have a seat

NOT IN THAT CHAIR

Sit in the blue chair
That's the chair
For people I'm about to murder

If you sit in the green chair
You get a pedicure
And then die
And why waste a good pedicure?

Are you comfortable?
I just had a new pillow
Put on that chair
Do you like the pillow?
It's a little modern for me, but...

NEVERTHELESS

I'm going to offer you a choice
A choice that will tear you apart
And while you ruminate on your choice
I shall watch my ex-girlfriend
As she is fed to an aardvark

Oh believe me
Aardvarks will eat just about anything
If you cover them in ants

BUT NEVER MIND ABOUT THAT

Here is your choice:

There are two buttons on my desk
If you push the first button
Somewhere
A baby will die

I won't tell you where the baby is
Or who it belongs to
But trust me
It will die

If you push the second button
All the kittens in the world will die
I'm talking every last kitten
Even the one who's big enough
To be considered a cat

Don't ask me how I will manage
To bring about these two scenarios
Just by having you push
One of these buttons

But trust me
I will manage
And manage with joy
And a song in my heart

So what's it going to be?

On the one hand
Babies are sacred
Little creatures of God
And a baby is mortifying to lose
Much more so than a kitten

But we're not talking one kitten, are we?
We're talking EVERY kitten
You push the second button
And when you walk out of this building
The street will be littered with dead kittens
There will be rivers of dead kittens
The Grand Canyon will be filled with...

You guessed it

Dead Kittens

Granted, you won't be out of the building for long
Because I have a sniper on the roof
Prepared to take you out
As soon as you cross the street
But the last thing you'll think about
As you step over
What will most definitely be
A dead kitten in the middle of the road
Will be that you have brought about
A Kitten holocaust

The first ever in history

Oh sure, there will be more kittens
The older cats will continue to procreate
And there will be one less family
Mourning the loss of a child
But what about all those children
That are still living
But living with having seen
Their kitten's eyes fall out

That's right
The kitten's eyes will fall out
It's paws will turn blue
And it'll spit up
What will look like
A combination of blood
And strawberry yogurt

Imagine a world full of children
Forced to grow up
After having seen that

I'd say we'd have a lot more serial killers on our hands

More veterinarians too perhaps
But that's neither here nor there

Oh, I know what you're thinking

This is so silly
It's a simple choice
Kittens are kittens
And a baby is a baby

But you don't know
Which baby will die

It might be a baby whose parents didn't want it
It might be an Ozark baby
The youngest of thirty, thirty-five
Who wouldn't have gotten any attention anyway

It might be the baby of a celebrity
Who would love nothing more
Than a dead baby to write an autobiography about
And go on Oprah to talk about

You could rationalize one dead baby
But how do you rationalize
A world full of adorable kittens?

That baby could grow up
To be a complete moron
But at least one of those kittens
Is going to amount to something

. . . . .

Well, I'll leave the room
So that you may make your choice
In peace...

And if I hear the sounds
Of millions of crying children
And smell a mix of iodine and strawberries
I'll know you've made your decision

Please feel free to help yourself
To some complimentary cashews

And don't try escaping the building
Without having pushed one of the buttons
There's no way yout

And don't push both buttons at the same time
I'm pretty sure that would blow up half of Greenland
But I can't be sure

ANYWAY

Ta Ta