How We Spent the Stolen Money

If you work at Taylor's Coffee Shop
You steal money
It's what we do
It's understood
That you steal from Taylor
Because Taylor is a dickhead
And he doesn't need the money
And if you're working at Taylor's Coffee Shop

Believe us
You need the money

So you steal
You steal money
It's fine
Really, it is
Everybody does it
So it's okay

Say what you want
You moralists out there
But if everybody's going sixty
And the speed limit says fifty
You go sixty
That's called 'flow of traffic'
That's called 'it's legal'
And legal is right
If you're an atheist
As most of us are

But that's neither here
Nor there

All that's there
Is the money
So you steal it
And you spend it
On little things
Because the money...

Well
It ain't much

This is how we spent the stolen money
And we're talking
Twenty bucks here
Twenty bucks there
Maybe thirty
On a good night

This is how we spent
Our money
Because we really believed
It was ours

Katherine spent it on cigarettes
Taylor, unknowingly, stopped her
From quitting smoking

Had she kept on being broke
She'd have had to give up smoking
But because of the twenty extra bucks a day
She could keep up on her bad habit
And since stealing is bad
Why not spend the money you make from stealing
On something bad?

Katherine didn't care about stealing from Taylor
Because he grabbed her ass once
And told her she'd get more tips
If she bent over more

She didn't say anything
She just took twenty from the drawer
And gave away five free coffees
Then bought a pack after work
And smoked the whole damn thing

If it weren't for smoking
She'd have walked into work
And punched Taylor's lights out
So in a way
Stealing from Taylor
Kept Taylor from getting a black eye

Nicolette spent the stolen money
On the boyfriend nobody liked
She bought him all sorts of presents
And when he left her
For a girl still in high school
She spent the stolen money
On a bus ticket

And we never saw her again

Gary spent the stolen money
On trips to Land of Liberty
The nearby amusement park
Where he would ride the roller coaster
Until the teenagers working the rides
Made him get off

He lived with his mom
In an apartment complex
Within walking distance of the coffee shop
And one time we all got high after work
Right in the parking lot
And went to go get him
So we could all go to the beach
And get doughboys

He answered the door
He looked like shit
Katherine pointed this out to him
And in the background
We could hear his Mom throwing up
He told us it was from the chemo
We all looked down at our feet
Wondering how to get away

He did it for us
He shut the door
We all went home

Fun story, huh?

Leonard didn't spend the stolen money
He saved it, saved it all up
In a giant jar in his room
Imagine that?
Displaying your crime
In an empty glass jar

The gall, right?

He saved up until the end of the year
When he emptied out all his money
Bought himself that hair removal procedure
The one with the lasers
And got all his back hair off

After that he was like a new man
Katherine even considered dating him
When Taylor asked
How he could afford the procedure
Leonard said--

'Must be all the money I'm stealing from you, Taylor.'

Taylor laughed
Dumb fuck

And how did I spend the stolen money?

I'd go to the dollar store every day
And I'd have a spree
With my twenty dollar bill
How cool is it
That with twenty dollars
In the dollar store
You can have a veritable shopping binge?

I'd buy my baby anything
That I thought he might like

Toys
Books
Little umbrellas
Funny hats
Plastic cups
A watering can

I think
At one point
I owned one
Of every item
In that store's inventory

Taylor might as well have been my little boy's father
For all he indirectly gave him
So maybe he wasn't such a dick after all

. . . . .

Before I left Taylor's Coffee Shop
We all went out to eat
At the nicest restaurant in town

Gary couldn't come
Because his mom wasn't doing so good
Katherine said she'd take him some food
But we couldn't figure out what he'd want
So we ordered lobster
And steak

So he could choose

We all ordered wine
And raised our glasses
Knowing we were drinking
Drinking and eating
Using our bounty

We were criminals

And we didn't feel bad
Maybe you think we're bad people
But we're not

Sometimes Nicolette sends postcards
And I put them on my wall
But she doesn't send photos
And I'm glad

Because I wouldn't want to look at her
Because I wouldn't want her to look at me
Because I'm ashamed
But not about the money

It's just money
It's money, you know?
Just money

There's so much else
So many other reasons
To feel ashamed