An Opening Night Prayer

-- Since some people aren't that religious... --

"An Opening Night Prayer"

May the audience like the show.
May nobody in the first few rows fall asleep
During the unnecessarily and obnoxiously long
Fourth Act

(God, can you fucking believe there's a FOURTH act?)

May the reviewers here tonight
Be either drunk or stoned
Or have gotten laid
Right before they came to the theater

May the reception afterwards
Have a well-stocked open bar
And may Taylor get lost
On the way there
Because we all hate him

May the director die
May he die soon
May he die painfully
May he fall into a giant pit
And get eaten by a large animal

May the stage manager
Not have a nervous breakdown
Until the last cue is called
May she not lose it completely
Like she did in rehearsals
Or during previews
Or five minutes ago

May the children keep quiet backstage.
May their parents not try to take photos
During the show
And if they do
May they not call out to their children
To turn towards them
In order to get a better shot

May the donkey not shit onstage...again.
And if he does
May none of us step in it
While doing our barefoot salsa
That has so far broken the ankles
Of at least three ensemble members

May the ridiculous line that Taylor has to say
At the beginning of act two
Not cause all of us to burst into laughter
And if that does happen
May the audience be laughing
Even harder than we are
So that they won't notice us
And our unprofessionalism

May the producers never produce anything
By this insane and sadistic writer again
And may the writer himself
Continue to keep himself locked in the janitor's closet
While eating raw chicken
For we can't think of a worser fate
Than that

At least, not at the moment

May everyone whose fucked the asshole director
Get chlamydia
And may they start to feel it
During Act Four
While we're riding the mechanical bulls

May we all be able to laugh about this later
And by later, we mean when Taylor says that horrendous line
And may we all meet again
Behind the curtain
After the bows

Amen