Dear Mr. and Mrs. Crandall,
I wish you could see
What I'm seeing right now.
I'm standing on a shore
Tables all around me
With folded up umbrellas
The moon is hitting the lake
Lake Pontatang, which borders the camp
And I'm finishing a bag of chips
A salty bag of chips
A fatty bag of chips
A nasty, calorie-filled
Bag of chips
This is the type of thing
That could get me fired
But then again
At this point
I'm probably already fired
I'm standing on this beach
As a harsh light
Projects itself directly onto me
This is just a light
That we keep on the lake
In case any naughty campers
Get the idea
To go skinny-dipping
After midnight
Our campers, as you know
Are high school students
Usually between fourteen and sixteen
And so it's silly to think
That they don't know about sex
That they're not aware of the fact
That they have bodies
With contours and exciting places
To explore
Actually
Given the circumstances
Anything and everything
On their bodies
Is probably more tempting to them
Because everything is so much...
Larger
The light, the harsh light
Makes me feel like I'm in a yard
A prison yard
Like I've just escaped
And again I say again
Again
I have
In a way
Escaped
I've escaped a way of thinking
Mr and Mrs. Crandall
And that is due
To my being
Your daughter's camp counselor
Your daughter, Lily
Has changed my life
Forever
This was going to be
My last summer at camp anyway
I'm finishing college next year
I've gotten a degree in teaching
I wanted to teach physical education
But now who knows if that's going to happen
I'm sure I can kiss any recommendation letters
From the owners of the camp
Gooooooooooooooooood-bye
I've worked here for four years
And for those four years
I was known as 'The Killer'
As in, I killed fat
Under my regime as 'The Killer'
I caused more teenagers to lose weight
Than any other counselor
At Camp Largess
(Affectionately known to most campers here
As Camp Large-Ass)
Campers feared me
As soon as they got off the bus
I'd have the girls crying
And the boys turned on
Turned on and crying
I've made campers throw up
I've made campers collapse
I've made campers beg me for mercy
I've made young men and women
Out of what I considered to be
Pathetic sacks of talking skin
I was a legend
And then I met Lily
I met your daughter
And everything changed
Your daughter stepped off that bus
The biggest girl we have ever had
Here at Camp Largess
Two-hundred and twenty pounds
Of Lily
I'll admit
It got me excited
The thought of taking this travesty
And making it into my final challenge
My swan song
It was thrilling
As soon as Lily was off the bus
I began my routine
Asking her what she'd eaten that day
Asking why she'd eaten what she'd eaten
Asking how she felt
Asking if she was ready
Ready and willing
To change her life
Her response?
'I ate five donuts.'
'I ate them because I was hungry.'
'I feel fantastic.'
'I'm ready, but are you?'
With that
She walked away
And a little part of me
A little fire inside my soul
Flared up
And began to burn
. . . . .
I hear them calling
Calling out there
Somewhere in the woods
Looking for me
'Maggie! Maggie!'
I've gone AWOL
Mr. and Mrs. Crandall
And they've gone to procedure
Standard procedure
For a missing camper
Or in this case
A missing Killer
I've been a part of that procedure
Once during my second year
A boy decided he'd had enough
He tried escaping the camp
Via the main road that runs
Along the back of the woods
I tracked him down myself
And when I found him
I didn't say a word to him
I just pointed a finger at him
And he wet himself
That's who I was
Before your daughter
Mr. and Mrs. Crandall
During her first week here
Lily was not one of the typical new campers
Who are normally picked on
By the legacies
Legacies being overweight campers
Who need more than one year
To overcome their weight challenges
(Most of them never do)
They seek confidence
In being able to torment
The younger campers
Especially the successful ones
The ones who lose weight
What cruel irony that is, huh?
You lose weight here
You lose popularity
So you get sad
You eat more
You gain weight
You gain friends
You gain back home
You get teased again
For gaining weight
Insanity, right?
That's the war that goes on
Between the social structure
And the administration
Here at Camp Largess
The fight to get kids skinny
And the fight to get them fat
I'll admit
And I would have admitted
Even before Lily
That I often feel the administration
Loses the war
Every year
Perhaps it was the fact
That Lily was the heaviest girl here
Perhaps that's why
Within days
She was the camp's biggest star
Every day at breakfast
In the Dining Hall
Lily would imitate a rooster
With such startling accuracy
One of the other counselors
Spilled orange juice
All over herself
Despite this incidence
Most of the other counselors
Were impressed by Lily's imitation
They thought that anything she could do
To win over the other campers
Should be applauded
I was not of the same opinion
A disruptive influence
Was a disruptive influence
And disruption doesn't do anybody
Any good
Oh yes, I was quite the hardass
Mr. and Mrs. Crandall
Believe me, if you sent Lily
To Camp Largess
To get a large dose of discipline
And a lot of verbal abuse
I was making sure
That you got your money's worth
By the end of the first day
Lily was the talk of the camp
Having successfully hit the target
Five times in a row
During archery
She had also gotten a raccoon
To come down from a tree
And eat from her hand
As if it were a kitten
The grand finale
Was a very public kiss
At the nightly campfire
With a third-year legacy
Frank Magano
Everyone was utterly charmed
One of my co-counselors
Called Lily
'An inspiration'
An inspiration, I thought
Oh yes, definitely
A two hundred and twenty pound
Obese inspiration
A walking heart collapse
My hero
I was so angry
That I walked to the lake
The lake I'm looking at now
It's always been where I go
When I need to collect my thoughts
Or strategize over how to make treadmills
Even scarier
When I got to the shore
I noticed footprints in the sand
Big footprints
Much like a Sasquatch
And I noticed that they led
Right into the water
I looked out onto the lake
And saw your daughter, Lily
Swimming around
With no clothes on
I remember a smile
Creeping across my face
Lily had now committed an infraction
She had broken one of the camp's strictest rules
'No Swimming Unsupervised--Especially at Night'
That meant she had to be disciplined
That meant she would no longer be the camp hero
That meant she would be handed over
To someone who could tame her
That meant she was mine
. . . . .
Over the next month
Your daughter and I
Engaged in what can only be described
As a Battle Royale
I remember on that first day
After she had been sentenced
To a serious probation
And handed over to me
To do with her
As I wished
The owners knew
That I was just the one
To break a wild horse
And that was your daughter
The wily filly
That needed to be broken
I remember that first day
When I marched to her cabin
At the ungodly hour
Of 4am
Prepared to wake her
From a sound sleep
Give her a jolt
Her first taste
Of life with Maggie
AKA, The Killer
My goal that day
Wasn't to kill off any fat
It was simply to acquire obedience
To get Lily
To recognize me
As her controller
You should have seen me,
Mr. and Mrs. Crandall
Sneaking up on the cabin
Expecting to storm in
And wreak havoc on your daughter
Perhaps, as a bonus
Scare the other first years
In the process
Make them feel lucky
That they were not
Going to be subject
To my wrath
But as I entered the cabin
All I found
Was a newfound respect
For my newest combatant
Not only was Lily awake
She was standing tall
While next to every bed
There stood a first-year
Doing jumping jacks
Lily was calling out numbers
Apparently when I arrived
They'd already completed
A set of twenty-five
(Although at the time
I was fairly convinced
They'd waited for me to enter
Before beginning these 'exercises.')
Lily smiled when she saw me
And with arms open
Gesturing to the strenuous physical activity
That was happening all around her
She said--
'Good morning, Killer. Care to join us?'
. . . . .
From there, it just got worse
When I would try to teach Lily
About cutting calories
Eating healthy
And dieting
She would simply list
Seventeen different kinds
Of eclairs
She would tell me
How given the chance
She'd force-feed me rigatoni
Because I was too skinny
I'd bark at her for this
But she never showed any fear
She just said my bad temper
Was a result of the fact
That I was probably in a constant state
Of starvation
I did, however, get the obedience
I so greatly desired
If only in the sense
That Lily did what I told her
She just did it her own way
I made her walk a mile
And while she was out walking
She'd pick up a few friends
So that when I'd get to the mile mark
I'd see Lily coming up the hill
With seventeen other campers behind her
Cheering as they got to me
The one thing I never made her do
Was swim in the lake
Even during Swim Time
Because I could see
That was something she enjoyed
And I was not about to reward
Disruptive behavior
Instead I made her climb up Junior Mountain
So-named because it's more like a foreboding hill
And she took her new pet raccoon with her
Got to the highest peak
Then started singing 'The Sound of Music'
I'm not sure you're aware of this,
Mr. and Mrs. Crandall
But your daughter
Has one of the loudest singing voices
I have ever heard
Her voice ricocheted throughout the camp
Until it reached the lake
Where all the campers simultaneously
Started singing along
With Lily's echo
The other counselors looked at me
To see if I would implode
But I still had an ace up my sleeve
A trick I hadn't used
Since I found that renegade camper
The one who peed himself
Right in front of me
Your daughter, Lily
Was going on the Killer Trail
. . . . .
The other campers begged me
They begged me not to make Lily
Do the Trail
The counselors asked
If I thought it was wise
Considering how big she was
The owners even expressed concern
That Lily might not be able to handle
The arduous nature of the Trail
I told them
That if anything happened to her
I would personally carry
Her nearly half-ton body
On my back
If it meant
That I could have my chance
At breaking her
And so, we marched
. . . . .
The Killer Trail
Is what I imagine
A descent into Hell
Must feel like
I created the Trail myself
During my spare time
My first year at camp
And ever since then
It has been legendary
I once took a group of counselors on it
And at the halfway mark
They were all begging me
To turn back
And not tell anyone
How much they'd wept
When I took the renegade camper
It took us ten hours to finish
And by the end o fit
He had the same look in his eye
That my father gets
When he talks about Nam
All of this were badges of honor
As far as I was concerned
And I couldn't wait to use the Trail
As a way of wiping the smile
Right off your daughter's face
. . . . .
During the first hour
Lily was her usual bubbly self
Pointing out different flowers to me
Calling out bird names
As they'd chirp in the distance
She had been forbidden
From taking her raccoon with her
Partly because this was a disciplinary measure
Partly because I doubt the raccoon would have survived
The second hour rolled around
And I could hear her breathing get heavy
She wasn't moving as fast
And she had to stop
Twice as much
By hour three, she was panting
Sweat was pouring down her face
We were now in the heart of the woods
And I could smell her fear
But she wouldn't ask for a break
She wouldn't beg me to stop
She wouldn't let up at all
She kept pressing on
And so did I
. . . . .
Towards the end of the Killer Trail
I began to worry
Lily did not look well
And I'm not one to panic
As some might
But I could tell
That I might have gone too far
I had been keeping just ahead of her
The entire Trail
But now I was right beside her
'Lily, why don't we stop?'
'No.'
'Lily, just sit--'
'No.'
'Lily--'
'I'm going to finish.'
It was impossible
The end of the Trail
Was a giant incline
Followed by a steep climb down
That put you on the shore
Of Lake Pontatang
By this time
It was late at night
It was hard to see your eyes
In front of your face
And I could hear the calling
Of the counselors
And other campers
We had been gone a long time
Much longer than the last time
I did the Trail
Because Lily was so much bigger
Than the renegade camper
Or the counselors
Who turned back at the halfway point
My colleagues were nervous
And they were calling out in the night
Making sure we were all right
I knew I had to call it off
'Lily, we're stopping here.'
'Wimp.'
'What?'
'You heard me.'
'Lily, you can't finish. I could finish. But you can't.'
Even then
Even with pity
Rearing its ugly head
Towards Lily
I still didn't want her to think
That I was the same as her
That I would have trouble finishing
Even though my muscles ached
They'd always ached
Even though I was thirsty
I'd always been thirsty
Even though the Trail
Had completely decimated my body
It had done that before
As many other things had
And I was still going
We were quitting
Because of
And for
Lily
'I'm...going...to...finish.'
This was absurd
All I could think about
Was getting fired
In my last year
For bringing about the death
Of a camper
I got right next to Lily
And put my arm around her
Or at least, I tried to
But she shoved me away
So that I fell into a pile
Of what I can only imagine
Was bear feces
The shock was so much
That I completely lost it
I looked over at her
This horrid blob
And I screamed--
'FINE! GO KILL YOURSELF, YOU FAT COW!'
Lily turned around
Looked at me
And for the first time
In hours
She seemed to brighten up
'Did you just call me fat?'
'I...I'm...'
'You're not allowed to call me fat.'
'I...I know that.'
'Say it again.'
'What?'
'Say it again.'
I shouldn't have
But now I could smell
Whatever it was
I had landed in
'You're fat.'
'I'm fat.'
'Yes, you are.'
'Yes, I am.'
'Fat.'
'Right.'
'Right.'
Then there was silence
'And you're miserable.'
It was the ace up her sleeve
At least, that's how it sounded
Like she'd been waiting to say it
All this time
'You're miserable. I'm fat.'
Two statements
Back to back
Lined up
Like a simile
Without the 'like'
Because there is no 'like'
Is there?
Then the finale
'I'd rather be fat than be you.'
And with that
Lily started walking again
And I just sat there
Thinking
I thought about being skinny
How I'd always been skinny
The lengths I had gone to
To make sure
That I would always be skinny
I thought of forsaking
Every other possible
Attractive personal quality
From wittiness
To a sense of humor
To a kind heart
In order to stay skinny
I thought of bathrooms
I thought of scales
I thought of treadmills
I thought of crying
Lots and lots
Of crying
Then I got up
I didn't bother
To dust myself off
I just got up
I caught up to Lily
And I started to walk by her
Over the sounds
Of her breathing
I started to say
'That's it. There you go. Almost there.'
. . . . .
Mr. and Mrs. Crandall
I'm standing on the shore
Of Lake Pontatang
Watching your daughter swim
I swear absolutely foul
I'm covered in sweat and shit
And in many ways
I'm a broken woman
But in many ways
I'm also exhilarated
Because an hour ago
I finished the Killer Trail
With your daughter
Right beside me
And when we reached the end
She collapsed at my feet
Where I've been trying to get
From the second I first saw her
I helped her up
I stumbled with her
The next few yards
To where the water was
And as soon as she felt it
The cool sensation
Of the lake
On her skin
Nicely chilled
From the moonlight
She was like a mermaid
Restored and reborn
And she started to swim
Soon they'll find us
And I'll lose my job
I'll be blacklisted
In the fat camp community
But that's okay
I'm writing this letter to you
Because I want to thank you
And I also want to admonish you
For sending your daughter
To this place
I know you must have problems with Lily
I know you probably feel about her
The way I felt about her
The way the world feels about her
Or maybe you don't
Maybe you sent her here
Because you knew she'd find home here
Amongst kids like her
Amongst her true peers
Who knows?
There are no morals at Camp Largess
Mr. and Mrs. Crandall
There are victories
There are defeats
And at the end of August
When September is calling
We all go home
We learn nothing
We only achieve
Or we fail
At least
That's what I thought
Until I saw your daughter
Dive into that lake
Now I don't know what I think
I only know I was wrong
I was wrong
And I still don't know what's right
Isn't that something?
I love your daughter, Mr. and Mrs. Crandall
I love her the way someone in a burning building
Loves a fireman as he crashes through
Their living room window
Thank you for sending her here
And also, possibly, shame on you
Sincerely,
Maggie 'The Killer' Brayton
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