When Kevin Broccoli Lost the Tony

-- Just for fun --

"When Kevin Broccoli Lost the Tony"

He stormed out of the building
He didn't even wait
Until they cut away from his face
To show Tad Turnenblaum
Take his award
For playing Captain Hook
In the Peter Pan revival

He just stood up
And walked out of the room
With Lucy chasing after him

Lucy was his diligent assistant
Who he always took to award shows
Because she was pretty
Because she enjoyed it
Because she was the only person on the planet
Who would agree to go to award shows
With him anymore

This was what happened
When Kevin Broccoli lost the Tony

'Kevin, stop! I have asthma!'
'CAPTAIN HOOK? I LOST TO CAPTAIN HOOK?'

Kevin was starring in a new musical
About the storming of the Bastille
Done mostly with life-sized puppets
And a giant moving set piece
That had already injured
Three chorus boys
During previews

It was like Les Miserables meets Avenue Q
And Kevin had done it
Why else?
For the money

He'd had a bad couple of years
The soap opera fired him
When he failed to play a convincing
Evil version of himself

The play he'd written, directed
Starred in, produced
And financed

Closed after two performances
And the NY Times review
Merely read--

'Uh...Really?'

So he'd taken 'Bastille'
Not being much of a singer
Not being any kind of a dancer
Not sure he even knew
What a Bastille was

And lo and behold
It was a hit

A HUGE hit
A No-Way-to-Get-Tickets-For-It
Unless-You-Sell-Your-Child
And-Some-People-Did
That kind of hit

And the critics raved
Especially about Kevin

They called his performance 'Gleefully self-indulgent'
And 'Obnoxious, in a Good Way'
And 'We Don't Know Why We Love It...But We Do'
And the NY Times said--

'Just Give Him the Tony'

So when they called out another name
Not just any name
But the name of Kevin's former roommate
Tad Turnenblaum
Who once told Kevin
His secret to acting
Was to always picture
His mother riding a gorilla
When singing a solo

When they called out Tad's name
Kevin Broccoli, who storms the Bastille
Eight times a week
Stormed out of Radio City Music Hall
And into the streets of New York
And not singing
A ballad
Of any kind

Lucy begged him to go back in
But Kevin kept screaming--

'CAPTAIN HOOK? CAPTAIN HOOK!'

Granted, his fury
Did not stop him
From going to the after party
Where everyone kept saying to him

'It's honor just to be nominated'

To which he replied

'It's an honor to be nominated for a DAYTIME EMMY! Now give me some canape.'

He ate his canape
And when Tad came over
All smiles, all laughing
Carrying around his hook
Which he brought
As a good luck charm
Kevin seriously considered
Looking for a giant crocodile
To shove Tad into

'Hey ex-roomie!'
'Hey Tad.'
'Pretty amazing, huh? Us being nominated together?'
'And you winning.'
'And me winning!'
'Can I ask you something?'
'Sure.'
'When you won, did you picture your mother riding a gorilla or just screwing one?'

Before Tad could answer
Kevin stormed out of the cast party
Without Lucy this time
Because she was too busy
Making out with one of the fish
From 'The Little Mermaid'

On the way home
Kevin was getting texts all night
From friends
And other well-wishers

From his mother--'You'll always be a winner to me!'
From his best friend--'You deserved it more!'
From Tad--'No, actually, I was picturing YOUR mother screwing a gorilla.'
From the director of 'Bastille'--'I passed out before Best Revival of a Play. Did you lose?'

He went home
And stared at his fame wall
A wall of photos
Detailing his peak years

When he starred on a medical drama
That had netted seven Emmys
All for the little boy
Who played his son

Last Kevin heard
He was selling his organs
Online

When he had a New York Times bestseller
Titled--'Heyyyy Girl!'
Subtitled--'Gay Stereotypes in Modern Media'
He'd had a ghostwriter
Obviously

When he was on Dancing with the Stars
And had been the first person voted off
Not because he was awful
Even though he was
But because he mentioned to People magazine
That Tom Bergeron
Was a demented sock puppet

Oh, the good old days

He woke up the next day
With canape in his teeth
Gel still moist in his hair
And a bitterness in his soul

At around one, he made it to the theater
Where a little girl stopped him outside

'Aren't you Kevin Broccoli?'
'Yes, and guess what? There's no chance I'm your father.'
'I know that. I saw the show the other day.'
'You mean the Phonys? Sons-of-bitches.'
'No, I mean 'Bastille. I caught the matinee.'
'Oh...'
'I liked it. You were really good.'
'Um, thanks.'
'I think it's messed up that Captain Hook beat you.'
'Yeah, well, did you see Peter Pan?'
'I'd rather watch a tumor being removed.'
'How old are you?'
'Thirteen.'
'Do you want an autograph?'
'Not really.'

He gave her one anyway
Because she had reminded him
What theater was all about

Thirteen-year-old girls
Telling you that you were cooler
Than Captain Hook

Wow, he thought
Just when I thought
The world had stopped
Making sense

And he walked into the theater
Ready to storm again