Sunday, September 30, 2012

Everyday I Write Your Name

Every day I write down what's happened to me
Lists upon lists
Of minor events
Major upheavals
Some days it's too hard
Some days I skip
Because something's happened
I can't bear to memorialize
Even in my own handwriting
It's just too much

But once I'm done writing the events
I write down things I appreciate
Things that make me happy
A nice comment made by a friend
An opportunity
An instance
That made me realize
I'm happy to be alive
And I write it down

Lately I've noticed a trend
I write down a few things
But it always starts or ends
With one thing

Your name

I write down my name
And then everyday
I write your name

Saturday, September 29, 2012

What I Knew About My Job

Did I know they were holding them against their will?

I know that our patients were unruly
They were tranquilized most of the time
And I was told--from the very beginning, I was told
That our patients--that the people we were helping
Had serious mental instability
And so when they would...say things
When they would say they were, uh, being kept, you know
Against their, uh, will
I didn't--I mean, I just assumed it was rambling

That these people were sick
And that they were fantasizing
That they were imagining things that weren't true
And so, no, I didn't put much thought into it
And I went right along
Doing my job

And then one day, one of our patients get loose
I mean, she--overpowers a nurse
And gets down the hall
Jumps through one of the windows
Like some sort of--like the Hulk, or something
And she just...runs away

And so I go to call the police
And somebody stops me--the Chief of Staff
He puts his hand on my shoulder
And says--Go home, we'll handle it
And I think--Why go home?  I have two hours left on my shift
And won't they need the help finding the patient?
But no, I'm released--I'm told, ordered, to go home
So I do, and...

Within an hour there are police
Outside my front door
Guns drawn
The whole nine yards

The, uh, patient informed them
That she was being kept against her will
And apparently that was...

It was true.

And I had no idea

But of course nobody believes that
Because she told me
I mean, many of them told me--told all of us
That what was happening was...happening
And we...just accepted what we'd been told

I won't omit the fact
That all of us
Were making extremely good money
Working there
So maybe that's why...who knows?

It's impossible to say

I just know that now I have to answer
For my own obliviousness
And I understand that
I can understand why people are...mad

But what's important to remember
Is that accepting what you're told
And doing your job
And assuming you're not participating
In some kind of living nightmare
Is not unusual
It's not a crime

I mean, I was told something
And I believed it
And that, apparently
Makes me a criminal

Does it make me stupid?
Yes, absolutely
But a criminal?
No

No, I don't think so

I...

I don't...

I don't think so...but...

Sometimes I wonder
What it is
I believed
Really believed
And what
I didn't

Friday, September 28, 2012

She Never Saw Me Do It

Look, I just want to get one thing straight, okay?
Before you ask me any more questions
I just want to set the record right
If that's okay with you
Because I'm a little upset
By her saying she saw me do drugs
Because she's lying, okay?
She's lying through her teeth
Saying she ever saw anything
Because that's just not true

She's what--three?  --four-years-old?
And she's saying she remembers things?
What does she remember?

And that's saying I ever did anything in front of her
Which I didn't
Because I was careful about that shit
I didn't just whip out a pipe
Whenever anybody was around
I did it at a certain time
When I was a certain mood
And never when my daughter was around

You know the fucking problem with these kids
Is that they grow up
And they get ideas
Based on what other people tell them
And those ideas get mixed up in their heads
So what actually happened
And what they think happened
Based on what they've heard
All become one fucked up thing

That's why she's saying all this

And to hurt me
She fucking loves to hurt me
To hold things over my head

Because she's so perfect

And I feel like saying to her
Do you really think you'd be all perfect
If you had a fuck-up as a mother?

Not fucking likely, right?

But she's got to bitch anyway
Because everybody's gotta bitch about something
And so I'm her thing
And I get that
And I respect that
But respect my right to say she's full of shit
Because she fucking is

And it's easy for her to stand where she's standing
Because I put here there, okay?
I fucking put her there

So if she saw something
Which she didn't
But if she did

Well I guess she got over it then, didn't she?

She got over it

And now she's going back to it
Back to dead shit
Just like her father
Dead shit
Shit who never had to deal with this
Because he was fucking dead
And she's digging it up
And showing it to me
Like I didn't know it was there

I knew, okay?

I fucking knew

But it's still a million years ago
And even still I know it didn't happen

She never saw anything

Did it happen?

I mean, if you're asking
Did I do it
And did I do it a lot, well...

Well, you didn't ask me that, did you?

That, uh

That wasn't the question

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Bacon and Eggs

The thing is
Bacon and eggs
Ain't nothing
But it ain't nothing special either

So he's offering
Bacon and eggs
And another guy's offering
A long drawn-out dinner
That I'm not sure I want

A crockpot meal
That'll take forever
And might not even be all that good
Once all is said and done

And we live in a nice place
In a bad neighborhood
That the local kids call the Badlands

The guy below me is a gigolo
Who I called up one night
Just to see if he'd be for hire
And how much he'd charge
Someone like me

Turns out I could afford him
And that was the saddest part of all

I can afford him
And bacon and eggs
But not a crockpot
And not whatever would need to go in it
And not the time it takes
To wait
For something you want

It's unfortunate
But what isn't, right?

I mean--what the hell isn't?

For Hire

The drugs are for hire
The food is for hire
The jokes are for hire
The shirt's on the floor
The zipper's down
The smile's on
The charm is ready
If you are

I can lay it out
I can lay it down
I can spell it out for you
If you need me to

Just tell me how many dollar signs
I'm going to see
Before my name

There isn't a contract here
It's verbal
Solo a spoken
Deal?

So speak
Tell me
What you're going to do
For me

Badlands

We live in the Badlands
Where the gunshots
Don't scare us
As much as the sounds of wolves
Who know how to open doors

Medieval torture devices
Making modern-day comebacks

Challenges
Set forth
Quests
For grails
We honestly
Don't give a shit about

Dads not calling
Moms not caring
Grandmas raising
Everybody praying

This reminds me of a Sunday
Where I slept in
And when I woke up
It still wasn't payday

This is a summer Badlands
With concrete
Palo Alto kinda bullshit
Story she gave me
About where she
Was supposed to be
Last night

Imagine how thrilled I'd be
To digest this dust
And not give a shit
But it's not in the cards, see?

It's not the destiny
Laid out
Before me

You hear a clock
You hear a gunshot
You hear your life
Stop
Slowly
Ready
Here we go

People say I always write about time
I say I always write about clocks
The objectification
Of an incomprehensible thing

So when you run out
The dust keeps going

That's time for you

Rolling out
In the Badlands

Crockpot

I told him that I'm like a crockpot
Meaning I don't chew and screw
Meaning I simmer
Meaning I improve
With time

That I'm in no rush
That I put ketchup on it
And call it a day

That my flavor is deep
That I make you kick back
That I challenge your palette
And change the way
You think
About the end
Of your day

I didn't mean it to be a pick-up line
But I guess it sort of was

Because I picked him up
And he didn't want to be
Put down

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The Worst Nanny

Take what you're gonna take
And throw the rest
In the burn pile

Nothing's coming away
That hasn't been hosed
So anything you want to keep
Is going to wind up ruined anyway
But do what you feel you have to
To keep some semblance
Of your...former life

I was never allowed to have toys
As a child
So I can't sympathize
With whatever it is you're feeling
But I'm sure it's awful
And you're probably in some sort of
Emotional pain
And all I can offer you is the assurance
That life only brings more of the same

Except it won't
Because you're rich
So your deepest pain
Will never come close
To equalling
The sort of pain
A normal person feels

Perhaps that can be...comforting

At least you're not orphans
Not in the sense that you have dead parents anyway
In the sense of having guardians
Who are actually invested
In your well-being
Than you've been orphaned since birth
But in the traditional sense--no

So that's something

Once your parents have recovered
From this influenza
I'll return you to them

Until that point
You shall live with me
In the basement of a speakeasy
Where we shall read the Bible
Learn to fear Jesus
And practice crying silently
In our sleep

If you tell your parents
About any of this
I'll deny it
And they'll believe you
And keep me on anyway
Because you're such terrible children
Nobody wants to watch you

Your last governess was a former Nazi-sympathizer
And you sent her screaming for the hills

So trust me
I'm not going anywhere

Now throw your doll into the fire
And let's get going

Jesus is waiting

Zach

Zach, don't make this more than it is
It's not anything to get upset about
Hell, it's kind of funny
When you think about it
And at the same time
You don't want to think too hard
Or you'll get mad
So let's just put a hold on thinking
Until we can sort this all out, okay?

You can't get all quiet
And lock yourself in a room
Just because two people you like
Wound up together

If anything, it makes sense
You like them
They like each other
That's not so shocking, is it?
I mean, it's not, is it?

But the response
The healthy response
Is not to become a hermit
And avoid human contact
And or compassion
Or, you know, everything
You can't just stop everything
And retreat in on yourself

See, this is why I was worried about you
Because I knew that you weren't strong enough
To be trying to get this piece written
And still go out, encounter people
Engage in them
And then come back here
And be unscathed enough
To get something substantial down on paper

I mean, you were really playing with fire there
And so a burn--what we have here is a burn
Burns heal just like anything else
They just hurt more beforehand
And that's what you're experiencing
And that's totally natural

But this just sort of has to be one of those circumstances
Where you tell yourself--I really have no right to be upset
Because you really don't, Zach
And I'm not taking sides here
But they're right
You really have no right
To be angry at them

And as your friend I really have to let you know that
And say--Move on

So move on
It's the only healthy option

But yes, of course
Cut them out of your life if you need to

I mean, honestly
Who needs friends like that?
1

Big City Love

They only fall in love
In movie posters

Two shadowy figures
Walking between
The lights and neon
Of a thousand bulbs
Lighting up a generic city
That might only exist
In a superhero's mind

Here it's always ten past twelve
And if it ever gets close to one
The sun sets quickly
And the lovers fall into their beds
Wondering what will happen
The next night they venture out

Both of them are country kids
Not used to the big city
Not used to falling in love
While noise and music
Gather 'round

He'll buy her a rose
When he thinks of it
And she'll get him to dance
When she sees the correct moment appear

They'll run out of things to say
And then find new ways of saying
Things they've already said

They'll eat at sushi restaurants
Recommended by friends
And friends of friends

They'll part ways at opposite ends
Of the same street
And convince themselves on the same morning
That the feelings they felt
Were worked up
Like beaten cream
And just as soft
Just as quick
To disappear

Martin Goofs Off on the Subway

Geez, Martin, take off the stupid mask
It ain't gonna make me feel better

I show up at a dance thinking I'm there for Danny
And there he is with Nikki, ugh, I could die

You should have given me your mask
My mask couldn't even cover my face

Everybody could see how upset I was
And that's worse than getting a dance invitation all mixed up

It's worse having everybody see
That you didn't even know you were getting stood up for someone else
Until you showed up
And saw it
With your very own eyes

Danny tries telling me he's going to Iraq
And Nikki's an easier lay

And I'm goin', 'Yeah, Danny, everybody knows that
But goin' to Iraq ain't what it used to be
You don't know you're gonna die
And you might want a wife when you get back
And good luck making one out of Nikki'

And by then I'm so mortified
And everybody starts giggling
And the next thing I know
I'm on the phone with my mother
Begging her to come get me
So I don't have to take the subway
In this stupid Statue of Liberty costume

Are you going to say anything, Martin?
Or are you just going to keep trying
To make me laugh?

I'm not gonna laugh
Not now
Not ever again

Let it forever be known
That sixteen was the year
The laughter died

Martin, I'm not dancing with you
So just sit down

I was going to throw you a bone at the dance
In between dancing with Danny
But I'm not getting up on the subway
At ten o'clock on a Friday night
And dancing around as the Statue of Liberty
And you all done up like a zombie frog
Or whatever the hell you are

I don't owe you that big a bone, Martin
So quit goofing off

And let me be sad
I'm heartbroken and hungry
And my torch is wet
And I just want to be sad

...But you do look pretty stupid, I'll say that

And stupid's better than Danny
Who's all suave
And poetic
Because he thinks the army's going to be dumb enough
To give him anything more
Than a desk job

I like you, Martin

You hang around
Even when you think
Hanging around
Ain't gonna do you no good

That's the kinda guy
Every girl needs

If You Would Like to Make a Call

If you would like to make a call
Hang up and try again

If you would like to make a call
Hang up and try again

If you would like to make a call
Hang up and try again

If you would like to make a call
Help somebody else make a call

Hang yourself
With the wire

Hope somebody walks in

Heave yourself up
And let yourself go

Do it quick
Do it fast
At the sound
Of the tone

Old green phone
Not worth much
Numbers scratched
Rubbed off
So you don't know
What time it is

Because the numbers are the phone
Are the numbers on the clock
On the lock
On the time
Of the year

Tick tock

Phone rings

Nobody answers
No machine
Out of luck
Out of time
Stuck in between
A rock
And a clock
And a lock
And tick tock
Anybody home?

If you would like to make a call
Then hang up the phone

Thou Shall Have A Mackerel When The Boat Comes In

When the boat comes in
There shall be bounty

But until we see a sunset
And a spot on the horizon
It's porridge
And porridge it will be
And prayers of thanks will be given
And that shall be that

A boat full of nuns
And a priest are not stranded
On a deserted island
For nothing

For we are the patient
We are the tested
We are the rested
We are bested by the Lord
And can sustain any hardship
With his love and guidance

And also, with the fish I'm sure we will receive
When a rescue boat appears
To take us home

Until then
We must eat Sister Gertrude

Now, Sister Gertrude doesn't know about this yet
She's down singing by the spring we found
Reveling in God's majesty
And the purity of fresh island water

We must eat her because she is young
And yet, I think we can all agree
She is the plumpest one here
And also, the least bright
And so the odds that she will make an able soldier of the Lord
Are very, very slim
Much like myself
Whom I think we can all agree
Should be eaten last
Because of my...stringy nature

God has sent us all our survival tools
The boar we caught, killed, and devoured within two days time
The subsequent wisdom to know that we must ration our food from now
The fresh spring that Gertrude currently bathes in
And Gertrude herself
Who we must consume

Now, because I am a man of the cloth
I cannot, in good faith, murder Sister Gertrude
But any one of you can
And I shall guarantee you absolution
Especially if you do it sometime today
As I think we're all getting a little...cranky
From hunger

I'll make my way to the eastern beach
And once the task is done
One of you may come fetch me

I will be meditating
Thanking God
That I'm on this island
With such brave women
Who are willing to do whatever it takes
To survive
Until the ship appears

And when it does
We shall tell them
That a shark got Sister Gertrude

And whomsoever amongst you
Decides to tell that lie

Know that you will have the gratitude
Of a man of God

And although that is not God himself's gratitude
It is something, sister

It is something wonderful

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Romance

Romance is a picture so good
It looks like an illustration

You take a photo of Sarah
Down by the bridge

It's breathtaking
It's enough to make you believe

Two drinks by the side of the road
A turkey sandwich
A flat tire

Enough time standing before you
So you don't panic

You don't get riled up
You think--'This is fine'
And you hold your leg out

Sarah'll make you chicken
When you get home
And corn the way you like it
And your coffee made right after

She says she's too old for romance
And so are you
But the corn still tastes good
So anything's possible

From the cheap place on the hill
You had better views

One side faced the bridge
One side faced the city

There were two drawers, both empty
An unimpressive pantry
That Sarah turned
Into a walk-in closet
And a nickel for each of you
To rub together
On rainy days

Now you have a house
And pictures of the bridge on the wall
Pictures that look like drawings
With two little people at the bottom
Dancing together
Like they just met

Sarah still smells like apricots
And expensive candles

She can still change her own oil
And change her own tires
And change her life at a moment's notice
And so it's lucky you're still here
Because she should have kicked you out in the 90's
When you were pulling all the shit
You shouldn't have been pulling

But she let you hang around
And now you're a real man
And still not good enough
To watch her fix chicken

But you're not going to tell her that

Because she pulled over for you once
And changed your tire
And gave you a ride
And you've been lucky ever since

Love so good
It looks like a picture
But it's so careful
And so precise
You think it must be something else

Like maybe it's romance
Maybe it's good old-fashioned
Magic

Pull

You gonna pull first?

You pull first
You're getting shot
And you know that
So I don't know
Why you'd pull first
Unless maybe you're stupid
And I ain't shot any stupid people lately
So I wouldn't mind freshening up my, uh--
Well, screw, see--I was trying to be clever
But you gotta be fast to be clever
And I guess I'm not as clever as all that

But here's where I'm smart

I'm smart at aiming
I'm smart at spacing
And I'm smart as hell when it comes to odds
And we both know the odds here for you ain't that good

You want a drink?
Have a drink
It's too early in the evening
For anybody to be sober

Can I ask what you did?

Sir, I don't ask why I'm told to do
What it is I'm good at
I just show up
And do it

But sometimes I feel a little generous
As far as time goes

Don't mistake me
I'm going to kill you
But how many breaths you take on this planet
Before you got two bullets in your chest
Is entirely up to you

Lucky for you, I'm a curious guy
And somebody paid big money
To see that you were taken care of
So if you wanna tell me a story
I'll let you make it long and detailed
And you can buy yourself as much time as you want
Until I have to send you packing

Now, c'mon, spill it
Who'd you piss off?
Who doesn't like you?
Whose daughter did you screw?

Why you looking at me funny?
Did I tell a joke
And I just don't know it
Because usually at this point
The person I'm aiming my gun at
Is already going through the first three stages of grief
And I...

Why don't you look nervous, huh?

Huh?

You know something
I don't know?

Out in Beck Canyon, Looking at Stars

You gotta stop getting in fights with Mom
It's counter-productive
But mainly, it's just pissing me off

She looks at me, she's mad at you
We're twins
She gives me a look
I say, 'I'm not Katie, remember?'
She says 'I know, but--'
And she's thinking that it's hard to be pissed
At just one of us
And unfortunately
I know what she means
Because when I'm pissed at you
I end up feeling pissed at myself too
I guess it's just the downside of this adorably cute connection
The two of us have going on

Just knock it off, all right?
You're living there
And you're living there rent-free
So you should have anticipated
Putting up with a certain amount of Mom's bullshit

I mean, nothing is for nothing
She gets off on torturing us
It's the only pleasure she has left
Now that Dad's gone
So you kinda have to let her do it
And just figure out a way to zone her out
Like everybody else does

She's just worried you're going to wind up like Dad
She's not alone either
The rest of us were just hoping
You'd straighten out on your own
But since that's not happening
Here we are

I lied to you
We're not staying out here overnight
We're staying for a weeks
My trunk's filled with food
And other stuff
And there's a cabin about a mile from here
We can drive to
After we're done spending a night
Looking at the stars
And reflecting on what we should do next

Katie, you need a reset--bad
And I know you well enough to know
That you're not going to get it at home
So I figured, let's come here
Where Dad used to take us
When he needed to clear his head

So we're going to reset
And then see where we're at

Because I need to be able to look at myself again
Without feeling
Like I'm looking
At a ghost

The Fall of Rome Daycare

We assassinated the teddy bear at noon
Because Mikey was attempting to declare himself
Supreme Leader of the Rome, New Hampshire Daycare
And we were concerned, as a ruling body
The Daycare Congress--elected by the children at the Daycare
Minus the infants, of course, who are stupid
And prone to sympathizing with socialists
--We were concerned that he was ignoring the democrat system
We had worked so hard to put in place

So we decapitated his teddy bear

Oh, he cried, of course
Which only further proves
That he's not fit to serve as Grand High Emperor
Of the Rome Daycare Congress
And that he should probably go play
With the Pacifists with Pacifiers
Or the Anti-Nappers

What we need is someone strong
To take this daycare to the next level
And by that, of course, I mean Kindergarten

Do you have any idea what it takes
To get into a college these days?

In fourteen years
When we're all ready to apply
They'll expect us to be able to levitate objects
Using only our minds

And Mikey would have us
Keep writing on coloring
And finger painting
And taking extra playground time
Instead of focusing on weapons production
And submarine operation

Things we're actually going to need
When 2026 rolls around

Before we go any further
I'd like to take full responsibility
For beheading Teddy

It was supposed to be a group effort
But Bobby wet his pants
And Marcus claimed he could hear the teddy bear
Begging him to have mercy

I said--'Even if that's true, there's no room for mercy in an empire!'
And then I took the head off
Tied Teddy to the merry-go-round
And left him there overnight
For the squirrels to pick at

This is how we do things in Rome
Otherwise, we'll have chaos
And also head lice
Because that teddy bear was filthy

So yes, I had to make a hard decision
In the name of democracy

But I made it
And I stick by it

And as soon as I finish this bottle
I'm going to go right back
To making more hard decisions
Because that's what running a daycare is all about

That and finding out what happened to those sugar cookies
We were getting at snacktime

I miss those

But whoever got rid of them will pay

Oh trust me
They'll pay

From Right to Left

I don't know, it was just the craziest thing
I'm a very pragmatic person
Very realistic, straightforward
And then I'm out on this date
And it's, like, going okay, I guess
I mean, it wasn't the best date I've ever been on
And then we go outside
And he's like, 'Can we stop at the store?  I'd like a candy bar.'
And something about that was so...
I don't know
I found it to be...cute

Like, he wanted a candy bar
That's cute, right?
I thought it was cute

And he had this ridiculous scarf on
I mean, it was huge--it was like a boa constrictor
And I said--'Nice scarf by the way'
And then something, the ice I guess, just sort of...broke
And he had his arm around me
And I was laughing
And...

I really don't know what you'd call it
Because it wasn't love at first sight
I mean, we made it through a whole dinner
Without even being mildly interested in each other
And then a candy bar request
And a scarf insult
And suddenly we're in love

I mean, we wound up on the quad
Near the chapel
On the stone steps
Which were freezing
And he's hugging me
And he's warm
And I'm just like--'I love you'

And he's like--'I love you too'
Which is so crazy
Because I sort of having to believe
That he can see
How totally messed up I am
But he still, like, signed on, you know?

I mean, I believed him
I really believed that, like, he was in this
Like he was really in this
And it didn't take him long either
And that whole thing is just--

I was very moved, I guess
I mean, how many times in your life
Are you actually moved?

But I was
I was moved

People talk about love
And what love is
And they come up with, like, metaphors and stuff
To describe what it feels like

For me
It felt like my whole life
I'd been reading from right to left
And then someone just said--

No, it's this way

And suddenly--Bang!

I can read

It was really simple
And that's what I tell people now
How simple it is
Or should be
Or whatever

It should feel like somebody just gave you the best advice of your life
And for once
You actually took it

You said--

Okay, I'm in

Monday, September 24, 2012

Awash in Drunkenland

Here we are again
In Drunkenland
Down the rabbit hole
Before you knew it
You were fat
Then small
Then skinny
Then nothing at all
Roasting on a spit
Splitting through a door

But all this shall be forgivable
This will wash away
Addictions are redeemed
Fucking up is not
Be able to blame what you do on something
Or risk someone labeling you
And moving on
To something else

If only I drank
I'd have permission
To be a bad person

I could fuck the walrus
And the carpenter
And say the pills made me do it
The bottle made me do it
The ghosts from the past
Solidified briefly
And shoved unsobering items
Down my throat

Mirrors make you look stable here
Telescopes make you look important
Microscopes we avoid
Because nobody should ever, ever
Look that closely

Soaked, soaking, no adults here
No chance of growing
Age is a number, minus ten, minus twelve
Act the subtraction
Reveal the root
Say it equals progress
Moving towards an equal sign
Where a comeback is waiting
And everybody loves
A good
Comeback

For the rest of us
There's applause on the sidelines
Directed at those
Who've stumbled their way to Greatness

Good for them, I say
Off with their heads
Let that be the only consequence

It's back up the rabbit hole for me

Stay here any longer
And I won't be able to tell the difference
Between them
And me

Leonardo and the Naked Woman

Upon your flattened breasts
I feel as if I may write poetry
Not a famous pursuit of mine
But one in which I find pleasure

My hand wanders, and does this worry you?
Do you oppose it?
Ah me, I am typical in this moment
I am a man as any other
And your complexion
Has an effect which even the sturdiest hand
Could not capture on paper

Will you let me tell you a few secrets?
Or has my rambling perturbed you?

Women are so good at holding men's secrets
But even the biggest bucket
Can contain a small hole
That would be its undoing

Do you not agree?

Are you too busy basking in the sun
To converse with me?

Sun, like spirits, sometimes dulls the pursuit
Of intellectual stimulation

Here is my secret

Until just a few moments ago
I had never touched
A naked woman

I have seen many
Imagined even more
But never actually touched one
Until you, my beautiful...

What an interesting experience

The warmth
The breath
The brevity
All of it

Wonderful

I am glad I did not try this
When I was younger

Not because I would have fumbled with it
Because I have just fumbled with it now
But because I would not have enjoyed the fumbling so

I often abused myself back then
For any shortcomings that appeared
In my character

Mistakes no longer trouble me
For I understand
They are the fabric of life
With only small solutions
Acting as threads
Sewing one error to the next

Your breasts are truly indescribable
And as you can most likely tell
I am not a man
Who is short on speech

Perhaps the most marvelous thing
About all of this

Is how much it has taken from me

I feel as if I was holding so much
In such small hands
And now
I have less

I have so much less

And it...

...is glorious

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Concessions

The drugs were something
I wasn't willing to concede
There were a lot of things...

I mean, you make concessions
You look the other way
That's part of the general compromise
You know you're entering into
And I knew it was going to be a compromise
I was marrying a successful man
Marrying into success means...

Well, it means you're in
For some acquiescing
You're agreeing to certain things
You, perhaps, didn't think you'd be agreeing to
When you were a little girl
And you were picturing getting married
And you had ideals
And firm thoughts about...

How everything was going to be

The first time he over-powered me
It was a surprise, I'll say that
And, uh, god, this is...

I feel like an idiot
Even talking about this
Because it was a long time ago
And I don't want to give you the idea
That this is something that happened, uh, recently, but...

But, you know, we're talking about this kind of thing
So yes, it happened
It was...rough, uh...

I wasn't expecting it
And I didn't immediately blame drugs on it
I didn't blame anybody
I didn't think it was anything

Just, you know, you're married
Your husband has needs
He's always been...aggressive
And one day he...just sort of...
It's very strange, the whole thing

I didn't cry, I remember that, why cry?
It's your husband
He's your husband and he's on you
He's on you in the kitchen
On the table, so--
Goodness, some people find that romantic
Passionate--you could just say it's passionate
I think I did say that
In my head
But only in my head

We never talked about it
We never talked about any of the times it happened
But, like I said, it didn't happen all the time or anything

And when I found out drugs were behind it
I left--because that was not part of the agreement

And also, he had lost his job
And things were going to get worse
Which meant the drug use was going to get worse
And so it was time to leave
And I was right

Should I have left sooner?

Maybe

But I believed in marriage
I believed in my marriage

And I was willing to put up with a lot
A whole lot

But a man with no job?
And a drug user?

That wasn't somebody
I wanted to be married to

Two Days from a Raise

I'm two days from a raise
And so, of course
I'm presented with this
Ethical quandary

I'm actually surprised
It's taken this long

We're all sitting at this table
With this client
This client who isn't even that prominent
In terms of how much we're making off her

And she starts cracking jokes
Bad jokes, awful
I mean, not just because they're not funny
But because they're racist
Something about a racist woman
It just doesn't seem natural
That's my opinion anyway

I mean, when you're in business
You sort of expect a man to start acting like an asshole
At any moment
But not a woman

So she makes a few jokes
And I can see the woman at the table cringe
And I'm thinking--
Maybe she's dating a black guy or something
And I feel terrible
But I think
I am two days from a raise
And I am not screwing that up
Because some dumb woman
Makes a few stupid jokes
At a lunch
One lunch
I mean, you have to let some stuff go, you know?
You can't make a political...something out of a thing like that
And lose a raise that you sorely need
Over something that...small

But then she makes a gay joke
And, uh, huh, you know, it's like--
I said nothing when she joked about the blacks
But then she came for me

Does my boss know I'm gay?
Well, I've never brought it up
And I have a fairly deep voice
And I keep a photo on my desk
Of a woman I've never met
I mean, she came with the frame
And so, no, he probably doesn't know
So he didn't think anything of her joke
And why should I expect that he would
When the black jokes went by
With nothing but a sort of chortle
And a wave of the hand

And I'm like, Wow, nobody's going to say anything
Because it doesn't seem like anybody here is gay?

How would you know if anybody was gay
Or if somebody had a gay brother
Or son or something

That woman
That woman at the table
Who cringed
When that moron made her black joke
She could be gay

Who knows?

I should have said something
But I'm two days from a raise
Other people there weren't
So what's their excuse, huh?

You should ask them
You should ask them that

Ask them why they stayed quiet

I'd like to know why they did

I really would
Like to know

Who My Father Is

She made a comment
A, uh, I mean I don't know why
Anybody would make that kind of a comment
Or a joke or whatever, anyway
I mean, it's 2012 for godsakes
And people are still just telling racist jokes
In mixed company, or even non-mixed company?
I mean, Jesus Christ
People still think that's a good idea?
Are you kidding me?

And I'm in Boston, by the way
It's not like this happened in, you know, somewhere where this would be--
No, the truth is, I mean, it's not acceptable anywhere really
But I mean, this is a nice restaurant in Boston
And it just seemed really out-of-left-field
And I'm there with my boss
So what am I going to do?
Just stop everything
And be like--I'm offended?

Well, I don't
But it doesn't mean I'm not offended
It doesn't mean that at all
But if I say anything
Then I have to explain
Who my father is
That he's black
That jokes like that really put me off

But, you know, I shouldn't need to
I shouldn't need to explain anything
And that's part of why I don't
Because somebody else should
It shouldn't all be on me, you know?
Why is nobody else offended when this woman
This stupid woman who's giving the company, like, a little bit of money
Is making these awful jokes
Like, is this what we've come to?

I want to ask that
I want to be like
Is this what we've come to
As a company, but really also, as a group of people
That we're all just going to sit here
And not say a word
While this person
Spews this racist bullshit
And because I'm half-black
Somehow it's my responsibility
To do something about it?

I mean, I just kind of think
That's unfair
To put that on me
You know?

It just seems like it shouldn't be
All on me

So I just say nothing

Because I shouldn't have to, you know, say anything

That shouldn't be all on me

If something like that happens
And I want to sit there
And be quiet about it
I should be able to
And somebody else
Should have to say something

I mean, that's fair, right?
To me?

I mean, wouldn't you say
That's fair?

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Telling It to a Stranger

I was sitting on the bus
Next to that crazy guy
Who always thinks
Somebody's trying to take his sandwich
And this woman walks up to me
You know, I'm sitting by the door
And she walks up to me
I'm thinking, like, to get off the bus
And she does, but before she does
She whispers to me

'I have cancer and nobody knows but you'

And I'm like--'What?'
But by that point, she's already off the bus
And I turn to the Bus Detective
That's what he calls himself
'They're Stealing My Sandwich' Guy
And I say--'Did you hear that?'
And he says--'Hear what?'
And I say--'That woman.  What she said.  Did you hear her?'

And he just sort of looks at me like--
Yeah, like I'm crazy

The guy who yells 'Thievery is afoot!'
On a public bus
Looked at me
Like I was nuts

And by that time, the bus is almost at the next stop
Which is mine
So I kind of shake off what happened
And just, you know, get off the bus
And start walking home

But the next day I'm still thinking about it
This woman, because--

What if she was telling the truth?

I mean, she didn't seem crazy
And she wasn't old and feeble or anything
And she did seem sort of sad
Until she whispered that to me
And then I saw this kind of...calm, like, come over her
And so what if it was true
And this was her unburdening herself

But also admitting
That she hasn't told anybody about what she's going through
Except for me
A complete stranger

I mean, isn't that sort of crazy?

So I start thinking
Should I find this woman?
Should I find her family?
Should I tell them they need to help her?

I think about putting out one of those
Missed connection ads
But what could it say?

'You--possible cancer patient
Me--total stranger?'

I didn't know what to do

So I just kept riding the bus
Hoping to see her again

But the thing is, now, every day that I don't see her
I can't help but think--

Is she gone?
Like, is she gone gone?

And if she is
Am I the only one who knows?

Now I have something
I feel like I'm carrying

Now I have this thing
That's bringing me down
That I wish I could just give
To someone else
A stranger
And then walk away

Lamp and Twilight

We did the whole party out here
Top to bottom
Tom put this adorable little fence
Around the pool
And then had all these little lily pads
With flowers on them
Floating all over it
Like a little water-flower-lily pad garden or something
Pat was so jealous
Oooh, she got Tom for her daughter's wedding
And then the daughter didn't like any of his floral choices
Even though the man has impeccable taste
And after that he wouldn't work with them again
Not even when the youngest daughter got married
And Tara's a dream compared to Suzanna
So it's really unfortunate
But it works out for me
Because that means I'm the only one in the area
Who uses Tom on a regular basis
And you just know Gina would have him over there once a month
Doing somebody's birthday or somebody's anniversary
She's just so territorial about everything
Like when she decided she didn't need a live-in cook
And so I offered to take Marguerite
And she got so mad
Even though the woman was used to a certain full-time income
And couldn't go part-time like Gina wanted
It didn't matter because Marguerite was HER cook
And so nobody else could ever have her ever
Which I just think is insane
Because--Well, because it is!
But you can't reason with Gina
Because she has that old world mentality
Where everything is either unconditional praise
Or a venial insult
And so communication becomes nearly impossible
And you just always feel like you're talking to this, you know, sort of mask
This mask of a person
And the person behind it is--well, who knows?
I mean, who can say?
She's had that mask on since I've known her
Of course, her mother was exactly the same way
God rest her soul--but goodness that woman was a handful
I remember her coming over here one day
Taking one look at the pool and saying--
'Oh, the traditional circle.  How lovely.'
As if a circular pool was some vestige of antique living!
But of course, Gina has a kidney-shaped pool
But, like anything else, it was just a rage, a fad, and now--
Kidney-shapes are so seventies, very retro, but not quite in-vinage
And the tradition--the circular--holds up, stays true
AND--always fits into Tom's design plan
When we do outdoor parties
And he told me that doing Gina's outdoor functions
Was a nightmare
And it was probably because of that kidney-shaped pool
Creating an awkward working space

That's my opinion anyway
But yes, the party was wonderful
Thank you for asking

Isn't it nice to just sit out here and talk?

That's my favorite thing
About being back here

The lamp, and the twilight
And the ever-present
Silence

Instructions for Fragile Lives

When you hear a loud noise
You should start running

Run before you know what's happening
By the time you know what's happening
It'll be too late
So run

Run is the best advice I can give
The simplest
The most straightforward

And although in movies
You'll scream at the characters
When they forget to run
Believe me when I say
You'll forget the same way
Because shock is a rarely experienced phenomena
And so you'll stand there
And somewhere an audience will scream at you
'Run, run!'
But you won't
Unless you train yourself
Unless you tell yourself to
Over and over again
Until it becomes instinctual

Learn to sleep immediately
Don't drift off
Don't fade into it
Drop, drop into sleep
Like you would a hole
A hiding place
And be able to come out of it
Just as fast

Believe that everything
Is a lie
Even when proven true

It'll allow you to step more cautiously
Tread lightly, speak softly

Even the truth stops being true
After awhile
And this is something
Grown-ups accent

When people try to help you, refuse
But if you can't refuse
Ask yourself what the price of the help will be
Ask yourself how much
You're willing to owe

Walk barefoot when you come
Teach your body to adjust
To cold and heat
Rain and thirst
Starvation

What would break anyone else
Has to be your average Tuesday afternoon
Or you just won't make it

You just won't

Now get some sleep

We're crossing into Tennessee tomorrow

Gotta head for warmer weather
Just in case

It won't always be like this, you know

I'm going to prepare you for a long haul
Because most of those skills are nice to have
Even when times are good

But God willing, you won't need most of 'em

God willing

Don't Get Married Near the Water

Chad, if you're coming out here
To get all sentimental
I'd recommend against it

This is why I don't like weddings
It makes everyone reevaluate their lives
And then attempt to do something
About how stagnant they feel

Chad, I can assure you
I'm very happy with my stagnation
So please don't ruin it for me

Yes, I look good
Women always look good at weddings
The reason they require you to give so much notice
Before a wedding
Is so all your women friends
Have an ample amount of time
To lose weight, primp, prep, and surgically alter--if necessary

You remember my friend Stacy from high school?
She eloped three months ago
And I didn't go
Even though the wedding was in Manchester
And I had the day off

It's the principle of the thing
I would have looked awful
It may be her day
But if I'm going to be stuck at the singles table
The least I can be is stunning

And yes, you look good Chad
I see my voodoo doll didn't work

Do I have to fully embrace this awkward moment
Or is one of the many drunk party guests
Going to stumble out here
And throw up on me?

I mean, I can hope, right?

The ocean looks beautiful
It makes me wonder why my mother always said
Don't get married near the water

Well, she was Irish
They think everything's bad luck
Ironic, considering they invented leprechauns

Chad, I'm just going to come out and say it--

You're an asshole
Anybody with any sense of dignity
Would not show up at a wedding
For someone they barely know
When they know that person
Is good friends
With the woman
They left standing at the altar

Did you even get an actual invitation
Or did you just sneak in
In the hopes of receiving
My illusive forgiveness?

Well, you're not getting it

Certain things are sacred, Chad

Weddings are sacred
Reception halls with two-year waiting lists
And non-refundable deposits are sacred
The best caterer in California is sacred
And a McKenzie Sarah wedding dress
Is sacred

What the hell were you thinking?

And please don't tell me
That you had this epiphany
Where it occurred to you
We weren't ready to get married

Did you think I was under the impression
That the two of us getting married
Was a good idea?

Of course not!

But we had the Davenport Reception Hall!
And catering by Fenel!
And a MCKENZIE SARAH DRESS!

You don't just throw away a perfectly good wedding
Because you suddenly realize
The marriage isn't going to work

Do you think that couple in there
Thinks THEIR marriage is going to work?

Caitlin, the anxiety-ridden micro-manager
And Taylor, 'Let's just try building an addition to our house without blueprints and see how that goes' guy?

Plus, he's bad in bed

Don't blanche
It's been awhile
But not long enough
For him to have become anywhere near decent
I can assure you of that

The year after you left me was...
Staggeringly awful

The sort of awful where you start thinking to yourself--

Ohhh, so THIS is how people
Become suicidal

And I know you came out here
To apologize
And to tell me
That maybe we should try again
But Chad
I can never have that wedding again
So what's the point?

That now you'll be a good husband?
That now we'll have a good marriage?
That now I'm on a decent amount of medication?

Who cares, Chad
I mean it, who really cares?

Maybe if we'd gotten married
And then divorced
We could do the right thing
And get married again

At least then we'd have the memory of a perfect wedding
And, ultimately, a perfect marriage
But since that's not possible
Why bother?

It's so easy for people to do away with their pride these days
Especially when it comes to relationships
Well, Chad, I am old-school
It is not easy for me
To let go
Of pride

Not because I was jilted
But because I was wrong
About us
About...

Our timing

Why are all those people standing outside the--oh my God, you locked the patio doors so they couldn't come out here and interrupt us, didn't you?

Jesus, Chad, you...

Chad, get up
This is a wedding

You don't propose
At somebody else's wedding

And you're drunk
And I'm fat
And the ocean
Is making ridiculous things happen
And, uh, um...oh God

Fine, Chad, fine

Let's try this
One more time

The Guy Who Went to School

Ohhh, oh, hang on everybody
Hang on, please
Hold the fucking phone, okay?
Because--we're in luck
The guy who went to school
Is here to save the day!

Thank God he showed up
Because otherwise
I think we can all agree
That we'd all be fucked

I mean, how could we--
Poor peasant people
Who, for some tragic reason,
Never got an advanced degree--
Come up with a solution
To a problem
Without the help
Of somebody who didn't make
The same mistake that we did

Thank God for you, Mr.Went to School Guy
If you hadn't shown up
We were all just going to sit around
Sucking on our thumbs
Rocking back and forth
Mumbling like crazy people
Hoping the problem would disappear on its own
OR--that someone like you would come along to help us

Just do me a favor, just one, please
While you're solving the problem
Could you constantly remind us
That you went to school
And have a degree
And could you sort of toss it off
Like it's not a big deal
When really it is
Hence the frequent mentioning?

That would really be awesome
Because, frankly, I'm afraid I'd forget
That you got the degree
If you didn't mention it to me several times

And, like, make sure you mention the school you went to
Because I'm sure it's impressive
And just the sound of its name
Will inspire awe and reverence
In everyone here

Should we all back up
And give you room
To do your magic?

I imagine that when you go to school
They teach you various forms
Of witchcraft
And chicanery?

This is going to be something
Watching what someone can do
When they've been handed a task
And can apply their
'I Went to School'ness to it

I don't know about the rest of these folks
But I'm excited already

As It Has Always Been

You go on the boat when you're fifteen
Half the time you come back
Half the time you don't

We don't ask after the ones who don't come back
If we cry, we cry into our dishrags
And then we have another baby
And name it after the lost one
The one we're not getting back
And if the men see us crying
We get whacked for being soft

They don't want soft mothers
Raising their boys

So your skin gets tough
And your lips get dry
And you do your work harder
And count the days

One, two, three
Until your next kid
Turns fifteen

Then you gotta go on a boat
And get waved off
And everybody's happy
Because the only thing to do
Is pretend you don't know the odds
That you don't know how the sea is
About its hunger
About how much it needs
To stay so blue

After you're twenty-five, twenty-six
You're fine

The water has no need
For old men

It just wants boys
Still so fresh
They smell like their mama's apron

We don't tell you what to expect
Because we can't have scenes at the dock
Boys crying, holding on so tight
It takes every man in town
To get them on the boat

We used to try warnings
But warnings are no good anyway
When every time you hear a story
Which isn't often
It's a new kind of hell you'd never imagined

Storms, sharks
Water that comes right up
Like a cold, sweaty hand
And wraps itself
Around the boy
Who used to sing to you every night
Before he'd go to bed

And still you send them
And when they come back
And some come back
You don't even know them
Because now they're men

So you lose and you lose
And sometimes it's worse
Because people don't know
Just how much you're losing

How much of you
Stays away
No matter what
Comes back

Night Prayers in the Synagogue

Barbara's got stomach trouble
And Crystal wants us to pray for that
So we pray, why not?
Can't hurt
The woman's got cancer
But we pray
We pray for stomach trouble
So at least when she dies
She'll die comfortable
Even though stomach cancer is bad
And that's what she has
Whether she wants to admit it or not

All of that stays here
Not that we gossips around
But we have gossips around
And I don't like gossip
Crystal's a gossip
And if she hears we're gossiping about her mother
It'll spread like wildfire
That there's gossip consuming the temple
And I can't have that
So keep all this to yourself

My son--my beautiful, intelligent son
Who, growing up, had a faith that was...
Frankly, stunning
Overwhelming
Powerful

My son has forsaken me
Not me, not exactly
But my faith
This faith
The faith in which he was raised
He has cast aside
And now he says--I have no faith

And this hurts me very deeply
As you can imagine
And I cried
And then I raged
And then I cried some more
And he hugged me
And said 'Papa'--the way he did when he was little
'Papa, it's not the end of you and me
It's just the end of me and my religion'

And he couldn't see how much of me
Was in that

They tried to take the cancer out of Barbara
But it was all tied up in her
It had become a part of her
The same way my faith
This religion
These practices
Are a part of me
And to try and remove them
Would mean death for me

And yet that is what my son asks of me

Can I just have part of you?

No, my son, you cannot
You are not part of me
You are all of me
And so you must love all of me
And that includes my faith
And to love faith
You must have it
And this is why...

This is why I asked him to leave

I didn't banish him, exile, no such thing
I asked him to leave
And come back
When he had reconsidered

What else could I do?

I did what my father did
When I questioned once
When I asked him why

Eventually I returned
But years went by

Years where we didn't speak
Because I had hurt him
So badly

So now I pray
For Barbara and her stomach
Her cancer
That thing that rests inside her
That consumes
That is...all-consuming

I pray that something like that
Begins to grow in my son
That it will consume him
As it once did

And that when that happens
I will be able to open my arms
And embrace him once more

And not still be stung
By his rejection

I pray for this
And I pray at night
Because I'm too ashamed to do it
In the light of day
When I could see the sin in me
The fault
The fault that every parent has
And in my case
The fault of doubt

That somehow
I placed
Inside my son
And never took back out

Steve's Quality Market

The truth is, if you want the truth
Steve doesn't like when people do business
When I do business, I should say
Right outside the market

I try to be respectful of that
But hey, I say--aren't I a good worker?
Aren't I here all the time?

So sometimes I have to do business here
It's just the way it goes
And he backs off

He still doesn't like it
But that's okay
Not everybody's gotta like everything

I tell him, 'Steve, we should keep the place open
Twenty-four hours'

Because this is a live neighborhood
People are out late
They shop late
They do business late

Steve says he doesn't want to run
That kind of a business
And that's when I start getting angry
That's when I start thinking
Maybe he's just stupid
Because who talks about
'Oh I want this kinda business'
Or 'Oh, I want that kind'

Business is business
Somebody's offering you an opportunity
You take it
You don't look at it first
And see what you think of it
You just--(Makes a fist)--take it

You understand what I'm saying?

Steve's got a wife
And three kids at home
And he's telling me
What kind of business
He doesn't want
And it's like he's speaking Japanese to me
I swear to God

So I say--'Look, Steve's Quality Market
Has gotta be open all night
To compete with the other businesses
In the area
Who are offering that kind of thing'

I give him the whole pitch
The whole motive
The whole set-up

And he still says--'Steve'
Like that he says it, like really smart-alec kind of tone
'Steeeeeve's not interested'

And then I felt disrespected
And the thing is, there are only a few ways
To deal with something like that

To deal with being disrespected

And none of them are good

I mean, I like Steve and all
But there are consequences to things in life

I do business next to the store
He docks my pay

He disrespects me, well...

Man's gotta wife
And three kids

Somebody's gotta teach him
To watch his mouth, you know?

In a way, it's like I'm doing him a favor

Because once we go all-night, twenty-four hours

He's going to be dealing with people
A lot tougher
Than me

When Lovers Can't Let Go

She crawls up the beach
Fistful of sand
By fistful of sand
Dress caught up in the water
Tides rolling in
Salt on her skin
Beleaguered fear that it's already too late
That he's gone
And that he took his picnic basket
With him

She's a heroine of the French cinema
And sweeping orchestrations
Will underscore her lost love
Provided he is, in fact, lost
But first she has to climb up the beach
And it feels like that
Like something one has to climb
A mountain of sand and castles and bright red blankets
With slowly burning women on them

- Have you seen him?

He's in the weeds

- Have you seen him?

He's behind the dunes

- Have you seen him?

You can't see him
He's invisible
Say the slowly burning women

Somewhere, you think
He's drinking pink drinks
Through clear straws
With other women
All of them wearing big hats
With far, wide brims
And scarves around their necks to spite the temperature

You'll kill him when you find him, you tell yourself
Even though every time you find him
You're so relieved, you go quiet
And let him get mad at you instead
Asking where you've been
And why it took you so long to show up

You only make it halfway up the beach
Before you collapse
And say a little prayer before you do
That he'll stumble across you
As he sometimes does

Instead, tiny lost children find you
And roll you back into the ocean
Thinking you're some sort of fish
Or maybe even a shark

They're wrong,
But you float anyway
Back to another harbor, another beach

You try to swim back to him
But the ocean won't have it

Now, says the sea, it's time to let go

Swimming in a Fish Bowl

I float above the fake coral reef
And something about it relaxes me

Bertha is turning one today
Which, when you're a fish
And your owner is six
Is a huge accomplishment

Katie overfeeds Bertha
But I'm not going to be the one to tell her that

It's not my place
Although I like Bertha
She gets me

They added a scuba man to the tank today
Which, in my opinion
Destroys the careful aesthetic
That has taken months to achieve

But then again, what can I expect from an owner
Who puts a naked Barbie doll in the tank
And then falls over laughing
Like an anatomically uncorrect doll
Is going to be so pleasant for me to wake up to

I swam out of the coral reef
And there she was
I nearly exploded
From shock

And she stayed there
That awful Barbie doll
For at least a month

It was like living in the Playboy grotto
I even started wearing a robe

You know, I try not to complain about stuff like that
Because my step-brother Kirk
Was assigned to a snake
And he doesn't mind the snake so much
But snakes don't seem to understand the symbiotic relationship
Between themselves and other tank inhabitants
Who are put there
To add a little flavor
To the whole situation

So the snake tried eating Kirk
And it was this big administrative nightmare
And finally he wound up in a hamster cage
Which is so much worse
Believe it or not
Because of the smell
And the endless cycling of those awful wheels

I did a hamster cage for two years
Before they gave me a fish tank
Which is the ideal
I mean, do you have any idea
How many people would kill
To have an exotic fish tank assignment?

Plus the hot water is included
I mean, it's--

So things like the Barbie...

Well, it makes me say--

Gee, why would you give such a nice fish
And such a nice tank
To such a young kid?

But again, not my business

The kid's obviously trying to get somebody's attention
But not my affair
Not at all

I just float above the coral reef
Past the new scuba man
And let Bertha swim around
Underneath me

It's a good life

It won't last long
But while it lasts
It's pretty good

Stephanie

Stephanie's not giving me what I want
Don't tell me the sixteen thing
Sixteen, sixteen
Is she a professional or not?
How many years has she been doing this now?
This isn't something where you can improve then regress
She got it, she had it--where the fuck is it?
Why am I looking for it?
Why do I find myself looking for it?
When it should just be there

When we hire her to have it there
On cue, on demand, for us
Ready to go

I mean, what the fuck?
What the fuck am I supposed to do
About a crying sixteen-year-old girl?
I was expecting a professional
I was expecting a model
Not a baby, okay?
Not a fucking baby

You know, I wasn't going to say anything
Because, whatever, this is a commercial ad
This isn't high fashion
We can fuck with the photo afterwards
But...she's put on weight

I don't want to give her a complex or anything
But she's put on weight

So if this boy, this Italian--whatever
If he dumped her
I don't know, maybe that's why
That's her business
That's her personal business
The client wants her for this
I'm not going to say 'No'
And I like Stephanie
But I've had an easier time shooting her
Even before she ran into the dressing room
And started crying like a two-year-old
Because I can't get a good shot of her
Because she's been complacent

Girl gets a boyfriend
And suddenly the pounds pack on
And I've seen it before, believe me

Then the boy leaves
The girl's heart-broken
And she doesn't even have her career
Because she's fat and washed up
And she dropped out of high school
And it happens like--(Snaps.)--that

That would break my heart
I mean, if that happened to Stephanie
I've known this girl since she was fourteen

I gave her her first drag

'Here, Steph, don't tell anybody.  You did good today.'

Back then we really had something on our hands
She was something, she had something
She could have had any boy she wants
And now look at her

Fucking done already
Because she couldn't get a handle on herself

Tell you what
Send her home

I'll get someone else for this
And I'll have somebody call the client
Explain the situation

I'll have somebody better here in an hour

That's the thing she's gotta learn
There's always somebody else
You can use

Bus Detective

He thinks I don't know
That he's going to steal my sandwich
I wasn't born yesterday
I was not--

--Born yesterday

A man gets on a bus
With a sandwich
With hope
With the hope that his sandwich
And his person
Will be safe
From harm or foul

And what happens?

Another man boards
A rich man
A man with a tie on
Like he's something
Oh, he's something with his TIE
And now all of a sudden
The air is tense
It's acrid
It tastes like paste
And glue
And plastic
And that's how you know
That trouble
Is afoot

He looks down the bus at me
I smile because I am polite
Because I was brought up proper
Raised well
Because I know men in ties
And how to talk silently
To men
In ties

And so we have an unwritten, unspoken understanding
That is instantly violated
As soon as he realizes
That in my little blue bag here
I have the most enticing sandwich
That was ever made
On any given day
In history

I don't blame him
How could I?

Nor do I condone him
Or his desires
His envy

He'll try to steal my sandwich
Battle will ensue
The bus will flatten its tires
And the other passengers
Will be forced to board taxis
To get to their scheduled destinations

But I will emerge victorious
Because a man in a tie
Does not know how to fight
Not really
Not truly
Not a true warrior
Such as myself

A Bus Detective

We are disguised
But we reveal ourselves
When what we have
What little we have
Is threatened

So come, Man in Tie
Bring me your fight

I welcome it

Just wait until the next stop sign
And I'll show you how the wheels
Go round
And round
And round

Friday, September 21, 2012

Setting Up Camp

This seems like a good enough spot, right?
I have no idea how to pick a good camping spot
So let's just say this is fine
And set up camp, okay?

Look, I know you didn't want to come camping
And I don't blame you

You know me well enough to know
I'm not the outdoorsy type

The thing is, camping is supposed to be good for you
Like--vegetables and not shopping, so...

So camping

We're camping

Camping will be our salvation

I didn't really have a plan
I'll admit to that
That's my first failing
As a grown-up
And a parent
I do not plan well

One day, you'll get older
And somebody will ask you about your mother
And you'll stop saying 'Well, she was crazy'
Because something will have hit you
An epiphany, or something
Maybe you'll have your own kid
Maybe that'll be what does it

Anyway, the point is
You'll have this revelation
And you'll say--

'Damn, all this time I thought my Mom was out of her mind
When really she just never had a plan
And never really worried about it
And wow, that's a much easier thing
To forgive'

I got bad news for you, kid
The whole bad-planning thing is genetic
So you better get used
To living on the fly

Am I mad I screwed up the last situation
We had going on?

Yeah, I'm a little mad about it
But trust me when I say I can tell
When a guy's about to bail
And that guy was looking at the door

Or maybe I got scared
Who knows?

I can't rely on too much anymore

Just you
Just you and me
What we have

And now we have stars
And fresh air
And the nature that so many people
Have lived off of for centuries

And I figure we can do that for about six hours
And then we'll do something else

Until then just look up at the sky with me
See if we can find some constellations

Maybe the stars will tell us
What to do next

This Neighborhood's Too Nice for Us

Um...okay, so...

This place is really nice
Like really nice
I mean, like, way nicer
Than what we thought we were going to get
For twelve hundred a month

We were expecting like
A roach-infested
Run-down
Dilapidated
Like, former crack house
Kind of thing

This is, like, really pretty
And there's new lighting fixtures
And there's plenty of parking
And the neighborhood looks like it's relatively safe

I'm sorry, but this just isn't going to work for us

See, I don't know if you noticed this
But...we're hipsters

So it's kind of crucial
That we live in the worst neighborhood possible
In like, a really awful house
Or a gross apartment
With terrible people below
Or above us, and like--
A really mean landlord
Who doesn't understand both us
And our generation

You seem really friendly
And I notice in the rental agreement
That you're cool with parties
And I also noticed that you have a tattoo on your arm
And you mentioned playing guitar
So I just don't think this is going to work out

It's really important to us
That we feel a sense of, like, oppression
For our art and stuff

I'm a fortune cookie writer
And my boy Winchester is a dynamic gymnast
And my girl is a water polo instructor

The last place we lived in was scary
Our place got broken into like--five times
They probably would have stolen stuff too
But we don't technically own anything
Aside from our boxed Faulkner collection

The last time the burglars left a note saying--

'How do you live like this?'

We kept it and, like, put it on the fridge
Next to the picture I made
Where it looks like I'm standing next to Keanu Reeves
And judging him
Even though it's photo-shopped

So listen, I appreciate you wanting to have us here
I really do

And that balcony overlooking your really well-kept backyard
Would definitely be a great place to relax after a long day

But it's really just not our scene

We're going to go look at a place
At this abandoned warehouse
Across the street
From what we hear
Is the second biggest brothel
In the tri-state area

That's, like, way more our style

Danielle Steel Improves The Grapes of Wrath

Here's the problem with Steinbeck
Everybody in a Steinbeck novel is dirty

Dirty farm people, dirty factory people
Okies and mentally challenged giants

Who wants to read about that?
Maybe frumpy college professors
Who like torturing their students

Or history nuts
Or read about the Great Depression
In between feeding their nineteen cats
And crying into a bowl of sherbet

But the rest of us want something
A little...juicier

That's why I'm releasing fresh versions
Of classic novels

New and improved
By Yours Truly

Danielle Steel

And the first book
To go through the Steel machine
Is The Grapes of Wrath

First off, what a dreary name
Grapes are good
They remind me of Ancient Rome
When women would bear their bosom
To returning Spartan soldiers
Only to find that their husbands' appetites
Had grown only wider and...deeper

So let's revise that title
Now it's The Luscious Busty Grapes of Lust
I don't know if grapes can be busty
But if they could, I'm sure they would be
So we'll leave it like that

No longer is it set in the Dust Bowl
Whatever that is

Now it's a story that takes place in Paris
Where a poor family is going to lose their bakery--not their farm
Unless the oldest son can appeal to the banker's daughter
And convince her father, the head of the bank
That love really is all that matters

Perhaps at some point, the banker's daughter and the Parisian bakery boy
Get on a plane bound for America
Determined to find out whether or not
Whether the child she gave up for adoption
Really is that up-and-coming Hollywood starlet
Jessica de Maryland

But bakery boy has his own dark secret
That he's never told anyone

Of course, the banker's daughter should be able to get it out of him
Perhaps with a pastry bag and a porch light on a cool summer's evening?

You see?

Now isn't this book sounding better already?
I know I'd read The Luscious Busty Grapes of Lust

Although I can't say I'd do a book report on it
But then if I don't, my teacher might have to discipline me...

Hahaha ohhh, Miss Steel
You are a wily one

Stay tuned for upcoming titles
And also, check out my newest original book
The Sultry Florist

The hothouse has never been so...hot

Spock's Wrong Numbers

That's V-U-L-C--

Look, you have the wrong number
I promise you

Yes, I understand that your baby is crying
I have excellent hearing and I can--

I have no idea if it's the croup
Vulcans don't get the croup

As children, when we feel upset
We think of a person on a distant planet
And they explode

This soothes us

Hang on, I have another call--

Mr. Spock here

Mrs. Marshall, for the third time
I have no idea why your son still hasn't moved onto solids
Perhaps your cooking is subpar
I sense that your son
Also finds you to be a rather sour woman
And he often dreams
About throwing his own feces at you

Does that help you at all?

No, I suppose it wouldn't

Perhaps it'll relieve you to know that your daughter
Will take very good care of you
Right up until you die
This is because she's never going to leave home
It's all she thinks about
How the two of you are going to die together
Practically arm-in-arm
Like two sad, spinster-y snakes
Interlocked for the rest of your time

There, now don't you feel better?

Hold please

Mrs. Kittridge, I've told you before
The child you're bearing
Plans on killing you
At some point upon leaving your body

Now, whether or not she'll succeed
Is not something you have any control over
Just try angling her away from any vital organs
While you're giving birth
And hope for the best

Although I would recommend immediately jettisoning her into space
Once she's born
Provided she doesn't take your life during labor

Hang on, Miss Walker is going to call me in three seconds
Wondering why her son isn't talking yet
I'll tell her to give it time
But the truth is
The child has dreams of becoming a mime
And he's already started practicing

Hold--

Miss Walker, don't worry about your son
He'll start talking any day now
And no, you shouldn't be worried
That he keeps acting like he's in an invisible box
That's perfectly normal

Have a good day

That poor woman

I hope Dr. Spock is doing as good a job at answering my calls
As I am with his
But I already know
The answer to that

To Be Continued...

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Columbus on Columbus Day

So let me get this straight...

You named a day after me?

Like...a holiday?

Like...an American holiday?

Um, that's--wow, I mean--wow
I'm really flattered by that
Don't get me wrong, but, uh...

I'm a little

Okay, I'm just going to say it
I'm a little surprised

You're aware that I didn't technically...find...America, right?

I mean, I pretty much thought I was in the West Indies
Until, like...death

Like I died
Completely misinformed
About what it is
I found

You basically named a holiday after a guy
With a really bad sense of direction

Who, you know, also, was sort of responsible
For the deaths, of like, pretty much an entire indigenous people

I mean, if you're going to give me credit for discovering America
You also sort of have to give me trouble for then dousing America in smallpox

You know, you really need to be more cautious
About who you go naming holidays after

I don't want to get into any gory details
But the whole acquisition of America thing
Was not really a pleasant experience
For anybody involved
And it's certainly not a shining moment
In the history
Of your country
So taking a whole day
To just...celebrate that

I mean, don't you people have Thanksgiving?
And Washington's birthday
And that day when you murder every firstborn male of the--

Oh wait, sorry
That was just a holiday we made
When we first landed ashore

Hey, we didn't have tv back then
We had to be creative

Anyway, I just thought I'd suggest
Maybe finding somebody more appropriate
To name a holiday after

Ben Franklin
Samuel Adams
Betsy Ross
Any American President
You don't already have a holiday named after?

Just consider it
Because frankly
I'm a little embarrassed
That people are constantly reminded
To celebrate...well, basically, a giant, mass-murdering failure

Look into that whole Betsy Ross idea

Something tells me she would have stopped
And asked for directions

My Mother's Affair

My mom's having an affair
I'm not supposed to know that
But I know that
And I don't mean like 'I know that'
Like I sense it
I mean it like 'she told me'
She told me she was having an affair
And that she needed my help
Because I'm a therapist
She said I was obligated to counsel her

I said, 'Mom, first of all, I'm the best therapist in the state
So frankly, you can't afford me'
And I wasn't kidding
Because if you think I won't charge my mother
You don't really have a clear understanding of our relationship
Which, I mean, how could you?
She's--never mind

Second of all, I have no time in my professional schedule
To take on anyone

I have a guy who's just getting over seeing Molly Ringwald in his kitchen
Another guy who thinks he's Don Quixote
A woman who went to Europe with her husband and came back divorced
A former Governor with what I believe to be a sort of post-traumatic-guilt kind of issue
And a man who wakes up everyday in a superhero costume

I wouldn't tell you about any of these people
But you need to understand what I was dealing with

I should have just referred her to another therapist
But instead, I took the easy way out
And spoke as her daughter
Instead of as a therapist

I said, 'Mom, stop cheating on Dad'
She said, 'Well, I did.  I had to.'
I said, 'What do you mean you had to?'
She said, 'The guy I was cheating with died.'

That's when I realized she was talking about her ex-husband
The asshole who she used to talk about
The way some people talk about North Korean dictators
She was sleeping with him

Now, at that point, I wasn't just upset because she was cuckolding my father
At that point, I was upset as a woman because my mother was acting like an idiot
Or had acted like an idiot--I guess I didn't have to worry about it continuing
What with him being dead and all

Mom said, 'You can't understand these things.  You didn't know him.'
I said that sometimes not knowing someone
Is the only way to understand them

Most people are better off viewed from a distance
You get too close, you see the cracks, right?

Right

And what happened was
I got too close to my mother

I mean, we never had a lovey-dovey Hallmark relationship
But after her...admission
I just found myself to be totally...cold to her

Because even at her worst
She was perfect
There were mortal sins
I did not believe her to be capable of committing

So when the affair came up
Something broke
That thing that breaks
When you realize your parents are human

I don't think it's that we can't accept
That our parents are human

It's just that we come from our parents
So if they're human
It means we must be human
And that's probably what we don't like
Finding out

So did I know all the facts about the affair?
No, I didn't
I didn't want to know

I was angry
And I could handle anger
Anger is easy
Pain is hard

If that sounds like wisdom, don't credit me with it

It's just something I learned
From my therapist

Molly in the Kitchen

In my dreams, I'm married to Molly Ringwald
And we sit in a field together
And read Don Quixote
And talk about what we're going to name our kids

In the dream, Molly leaves me
To go down to a pond
And ice skate
Until the sun sets

I could never find out if the real Molly Ringwald
Liked ice-skating or not

It's just one of those things
They don't put on your Wikipedia page

Now Molly's just someone I see in my dreams
But for awhile there, I really saw her
Like, in my kitchen

She'd talk to me
I'd make her dinner
We'd discuss how under-appreciated
The movie 'Betsy's Wedding' is

I really didn't think anything of it
Because it never really occurs to you
That you might be completely out of your mind

You know, because I was getting to work on time everyday
Physically, I was in pretty good shape
I wasn't addicted to anything--drugs, alcohol, whatever
I paid my rent, I did my own taxes, I showered daily

I was just completely out of my mind

And the only reason I even noticed is because one day
Molly told me to pick up a knife
And cut my finger off

Now, don't worry, I didn't do it
But I felt incredibly anxious about not doing it
And the anxiety kept getting worse
And I started having these chest pains
So I went to the doctor
And I told him about the anxiety
And she said--What's making you anxious?
And I said--Molly Ringwald
And she said--Molly Ringwald is making you anxious?
And I said--Not usually, but lately she's been telling me to cut my finger off, and I'd rather not.
And that's when she started to look concerned

Now, I'm telling you all this
Because I'm sure you probably have an idea
About what it means
To be a crazy person
And your definition or your perception
Would probably not include, you know, me
Who I was--back then
And yet, um, I probably was
I mean I definitely was
I was talking to 80's starlets, for crying out loud
And they were trying to get me to injure myself
I mean, I never talked to Ally Sheedy
But still, all of that was--

--It wasn't good

I mean, it's funny
Looking back
It's pretty funny

I always had all these left-overs
And I just thought
Well, Molly doesn't have much of an appetite

But other than that
My life was fairly undisrupted

I wasn't a shut-in
I'd go on dates
And they'd go badly
And I'd come home
And watch tv with Molly
And, believe it or not, life was...okay

It only stopped being okay
When I realized how not okay it was

Ignorance, bliss, all that stuff
It's true, you know

And insanity is the best kind of ignorance

Now I take...things
I, uh, spent some time
In a place
Where I could...well, they said 'heal'
But I'm not sure what exactly was healing

I don't see Molly anymore
And it feels...

Haha...

Okay honestly
I don't see her
But I imagine her
And trust me
It is different

I picture her
Because I miss her
Because there used to be someone there
All the time
And now there's not
And even though that should make me feel better
It doesn't

Because given the choice between crazy and lonely
Knowing what I know now
I'd probably choose crazy

I don't know if choosing crazy
Makes you crazier or...something else

I don't know

There's a lot of things I don't know

But I do know that when I walk down the street now
And I see people
Random people
Strangers

I take a guess

I take a guess about who it is
They're going to see
When they get home

The Landscaper's Son

Before I say anything else
Just let me say that I miss you, okay?

I miss you like I cannot imagine
Ever missing anyone ever
And it's really freaking me out
Because I know I'm going to see you in, like, a day
But I'm still freaking out about it
Because I'm with this Kentucky woman
And she's, like, on something
And she made me take something too
And nothing at all sexual happened
But we're supposed to close this deal in an hour
And I don't know how we're going to do it
Because she's in no position
To do anything really
And I'm feeling like I'm going to crawl up the walls
Like Spiderman or something
And this is all just really--um, it's a lot for me
And, could you, I don't know, get on a plane or something?

No, no, I'm being ridiculous
Don't let me be ridiculous
If we're going to be together forever and stuff
Than please don't let me act like an idiot
Because I'm going to try--a lot
And I have to give you the job of stopping me
Because otherwise, we're both screwed
And I think I'm quitting my job tomorrow

Okay, wow, see what I did there?
How I just--wham!  Yeah, no, I meant it
I really meant it
I have to quit this job
Because I do not want to end up like Kentucky woman
Laid out on a bed
Possibly overdosing on something she had a guy
Deliver to our hotel room
Yes, we're sharing a room
And believe me
I could have sex right now if I wanted to
It's taking everything I have
Not to try climbing into the television

Listen, the thing is--

My dad was a landscaper
Like his whole life
He did people's gardens
So I could have certain opportunities
And these--this--is that opportunity
That big opportunity
And yet, I'm pretty sure
My Dad had no idea
That this
Was what opportunity looked like

You know, it's just all so--

Like, not noble, you know?
Like completely ignoble--is that even a--
Of course it's not a word

But you get what I'm saying
I went to school
And got an education
Off another man's back
I mean, my father, yes
But still--I benefitted
From cold hard labor
And now I'm using it to what?
Do drugs and try to ride this high
Into a business meeting tomorrow
Where I'm going to negotiate
A merger
That will put four thousand people
Out of a job?

I mean, is this upper class living
Because if it is
Screw that

That is not what I wanted
That is not--

I mean, people say living
But it's just good money
It's not a good living
It's not a good life

I'm not a good person
Or at least, I'm not going to be
If I keep this up

My dad wanted something better for me
Than what he had

Well he had a wife that loved him
And kids that adored him
And when he died
He could at least say
That he never did an immoral thing
In his life
And here's me
Doing more wrong in one night than--

When parents say they want better
I think most of them mean, you know
Richer, but...

What they should mean
What they should say is just--

A nobler life
You know, to lead a life
Where you're able to help more people
Make more of a difference
Be happier
Like, truly happier
And, um, I guess what I'm saying is--

I'm quitting my job
And I'm coming home--to you
And I love you
And I really don't like this Kentucky woman
And I also feel sort of bad for her
And you're amazing
And we'll make it work

Job or no job
Even if I have to trim hedges
We'll make it work
Because we'll know
That we're not making the world worse

If nothing else
At least we're not doing that, you know?

Lately I'm starting to think
That just keeping things from getting worse
Is the best
Anybody can do