Nipples

The thing is, Marie
Oh geez, well
The thing is
The nipples

His nipples

I have a real issue
With his nipples

Now, if you had told me
A year ago
That the biggest obstacle
Between me and a happy marriage
Was going to be nipples
I'd say--you're insane

But you know, if I really think about it
I really have to say
That I never even thought about nipples
Until I was married to Rob
So how could I say?

I mean, how many nipples does a woman honestly see
In her life, Marie?

I mean, before she marries her husband
But even then!

I saw maybe six pairs of nipples
My whole life
And then I turn twenty-four
And suddenly I'm married
To a guy with ugly nipples
And I'm disgusted by them

How was I to know?

I guess I just got lucky with those first six pairs
Well, and I did see my brother's--those were kind of unpleasant
But I thought it was because they were my brother's!

Marie, these aren't normal nipples
For one thing, the left is bigger than the right
That's the first thing I noticed

How does a man wind up
With one big nipple
And one small one?

Did he do something to the little one
To make it shrink
Or did he do something to the big one
To make it grow?

I mean, I want to ask him these things
Because I know the secret to a good marriage
Is an open dialogue
But to tell you the truth
The longer I'm married to this guy
The less I want to know

Now when we make love
I have him keep his shirt on

I keep mine on too

I tell him it turns me on
But really
It's just because I want to completely remove nipples
From our marriage

Everybody told me marriage was about compromise, Marie

But nobody warned me about the nipples

I don't know, but to me
It seems kind of like a trick

Like one big trick