So let me get this straight...
You named a day after me?
Like...a holiday?
Like...an American holiday?
Um, that's--wow, I mean--wow
I'm really flattered by that
Don't get me wrong, but, uh...
I'm a little
Okay, I'm just going to say it
I'm a little surprised
You're aware that I didn't technically...find...America, right?
I mean, I pretty much thought I was in the West Indies
Until, like...death
Like I died
Completely misinformed
About what it is
I found
You basically named a holiday after a guy
With a really bad sense of direction
Who, you know, also, was sort of responsible
For the deaths, of like, pretty much an entire indigenous people
I mean, if you're going to give me credit for discovering America
You also sort of have to give me trouble for then dousing America in smallpox
You know, you really need to be more cautious
About who you go naming holidays after
I don't want to get into any gory details
But the whole acquisition of America thing
Was not really a pleasant experience
For anybody involved
And it's certainly not a shining moment
In the history
Of your country
So taking a whole day
To just...celebrate that
I mean, don't you people have Thanksgiving?
And Washington's birthday
And that day when you murder every firstborn male of the--
Oh wait, sorry
That was just a holiday we made
When we first landed ashore
Hey, we didn't have tv back then
We had to be creative
Anyway, I just thought I'd suggest
Maybe finding somebody more appropriate
To name a holiday after
Ben Franklin
Samuel Adams
Betsy Ross
Any American President
You don't already have a holiday named after?
Just consider it
Because frankly
I'm a little embarrassed
That people are constantly reminded
To celebrate...well, basically, a giant, mass-murdering failure
Look into that whole Betsy Ross idea
Something tells me she would have stopped
And asked for directions
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