Yes, Tony Hooper, There is a Santa Claus

Hi, my name is Tony Hooper
And I'm in the seventh grade

This is my paper on the myth of Santa Claus
Or, 'The Trick of Saint Nick: An Expose'

At least, that's what I thought it was going to be called
Until last night

I'll explain--

First of all, my whole family was at the mall
So my brother and sister could get their pictures taken with Santa

I was making fun of my brother Harry
Because he's too old for all that

I didn't even want to be standing in line
Waiting for a picture with Santa

I wanted to be at the movies with my friends
Seeing Jar of Death

Once you open the jar, death opens you!

But my Mom says Christmas isn't the time
For violent movies

(I guess she's never seen Blood on the Naughty List)

That's my first of all

'Harry's not too old for Santa,' said my Dad
'He's in the fifth grade,' I said, 'That's too old to still be believing in Santa.'
'You mean you don't believe in Santa,' my Dad asked me

'Aw, c'mon Dad,' I said, 'Last year I had to help you wrap half my presents because you waited to the last minute and Mom fell asleep on the ribbon pile.'

'Tony,' my Dad said, 'Santa isn't just about presents.'

But before he could say anything else
It was our turn with Santa

When it was time to take the photo
The same thing happened
That happens every year

My little sister Tina cried a lot
And Harry whispered something in Santa's ear
That made his eyes go real wide

'What did you say to him,' I asked my brother in the car on the way home
'I told him this would be the year I'd catch him coming down the chimney,' said Harry, 'I said, 'I'll be waiting, Big Man.  I'll be waiting.'

And my Mom wonders why I sleep
With one eye open

That's my second of all

On Christmas Eve, I was Skyping with Fat Pants
And Tony Mars

We're planning a Spring Break Trip for next year
When we're in 8th Grade

We're thinking of going somewhere exotic
Tony Mars' Uncle has a house in West Warwick
And he says his uncle keeps a fridge full of ice cream
And an energy drink called Rage Fist

Then my Dad knocked on my door
'Hey old man,' he said, 'You want to go sledding?'

Now, I may be in seventh grade
And I may be way more mature than every other kid I know
But you're never too old
To go sledding with your Dad on Christmas Eve

We left our house
And walked all the way to Greenview Park
To the highest hill in the whole city

Nosedive Hill

My Mom usually never lets me sled down this hill
Because she says it's too dangerous
But Dad said what my Mom doesn't know won't hurt her

He said the same thing about us eating chili dogs after midnight
And it may not have hurt my Mom
But it sure didn't do us any good

Once we were at the top of the hill
We could see the whole neighborhood
With all the Christmas lights
On all the different houses

'You know,' my Dad said, 'If we stay up here, we might be able to see Santa arrive.'
'Oh come on, Dad,' I said, 'You know I don't believe in Santa.'
'Well why don't we see if I can change your mind about that,' said my Dad

He pulled a pair of binoculars
From underneath his coat

'Those are Papa Hooper's," I said
'Yup,' he said, 'Now take a look.'
'A look at what,' I asked

So he had me hold the binoculars up against my eyes
And then he pointed me where he thought I should look

'You see the Gardner's house?  Their son Chris is home from college, and he and Mrs. Gardner are staying up late talking because this year was the first time he's been away from home.  And that's the Richards house, where Mrs. Richards just found out she's going to have another baby, so Matt and Natalie are going to have a baby brother or sister.  Then there's the Stovall house where Mr. Stovall's kids all surprised him by showing up for Christmas because Mrs. Stovall passed away last year and they didn't want him to be alone for the holiday.  See how all the kids and grandkids are sleeping on the couch and the floor and wherever else there's room.  I bet this is the only time Mr. Stovall's smiled since he lost his wife.'

Mrs. Stovall was a real nice lady
She used to give me a nickel and tell me
Not to spend it all in one place

I don't know what place has something
That only costs a nickel
But if you find it
Let me know

'Tony,' my Dad said, 'Your Mom and I might buy you presents, but there's going to come a day where presents won't be what you like about Christmas.'
'You mean one day you'll just give me cash?'
'No, I mean, one day you'll see that all this other stuff is what makes Christmas so special.  It's the stuff even Mom and Dad's can't give you.  Seeing your kid all grown up for the first time.  Finding out you're going to have another kid in your family.  Having an empty house suddenly fill up with all the people you love.  It's magic--it really is.  And if it doesn't come from me or Mom, then I guess it's gotta come from somewhere, right?'

And that's when I thought I heard sleighbells

'Dad...'

But it was just the leash on the dog
The security guard who watches the park has

He looked up at Nosedive Hill
And saw two guys with binoculars
And the next thing you know
My Dad's trying to convince him
Not to send us to jail
On Christmas Eve

Lucky for us, the security guard was full of Christmas spirit
And my Dad made sure his pocket was full of two twenties

The guard even let us sled down the hill
And it was pretty awesome

Maybe there will be a day when I'm too old
To believe in Santa
Or look forward to Christmas
Or get lots of presents

But I hope I'm never too old
To go sledding down Nosedive Hill with my Dad

And that's my report
On Santa Claus

Oh, and one more thing

As we were going down the hill
And the view of the neighborhood
Went out of sight

I yelled out--

Merry Christmas to all
And to all
A good night

Call the Boy Euphoria

He likes
Taking pictures of himself

Across the street
The party's winding down

Gonna come out of your room?
Say good-bye to your guests?

Pass, take the bottle with you
Take whatever you want

What's up with you?
I'm watching something

Don't feel like you're invading something
You're admiring

A hundred feet away
There's a painting hanging

And every once in awhile
It moves and captures itself

Lick your lips
Bite your tongue

You rented this place
So you could feel young

And right there, is somebody
Doing better than you

A love affair develops
Built with nothing but glass and curiosity

Do you see me?
I see you
How could you not--

The curtains never get drawn
The lights never go out

He's doing things
He shouldn't do

Friends don't come by
Nobody rings, nobody cares

I'll stay here with you
It's going to snow tonight

Little things start to flash
Bursts of detail you crave

The tattoo on his ring finger
Huh, how'd that get there?

Who did you used
To belong to?

Did they appreciate you
Like I do?

I call you Euphoria
I don't need to know
Your real name

A dog barking, a car alarm
Nothing breaks my attention

You take a photo of yourself
For who?  For what?

What is it
You're trying
To set
In stone?

Does it make you feel
Less alone?

Looking at pictures of yourself
And feeling so different
From what you see
That they become pictures of other people

People who can keep you company?

I don't know

Touch the glass
A reasonable cold

This want is something
That will need to be
Taken from me

It won't go away on its own

Can you do it for me?
Do you have your scalpel?

I'll never hurt
But I'll allow myself
To be hurt

Sometimes letting someone else ruin you
Is the most freeing thing of all

It creates a relationship
An accidental obligation

Too bad
Too bad

Too bad I'm stuck here
And you're there
And I'm too sunk in
To sail across the street
And ring your bell

For now just pose
And aim
And snap
And keep trying
To see what I see

I'll be over here
If you need me

I Had a Dream That I Could Make Myself a Soaring Man

I had a dream
That I could
Make myself
A soaring man

In the dream I'm standing
Stock still
Somewhere
A field maybe?
Always a field, right?
Always a field in dreams

And suddenly
I can fly
And it doesn't surprise me

Rather, it's like
Oh yes, of course
I'm able to do this
And I always have been

It feels like the flipping of a pancake
Not simple, exactly
But sort of instinctual
And bravery is, of course, required

The feeling that you might fail
Needing to be acknowledged
And then set aside
As you grip the frying pan and--

Whoosh

Flight

And just like a perfect pancake
There is a moment
Of sheer disbelief
That this actually worked

Who knew you could do
This miraculous thing?

And can it be done again?

Of course it can

See how simple it is?

And once you've done it
You know how
And you'll know how forever
And then--

Then...

Then..................................................................................................................................................................................................you wake up

And suddenly
You can't remember
What it is you did

You sit in bed
And you bite your thumb
And you thrash and toss and turn
And think--No, no
I did it
I really did it
I made myself soar

How can I...?

How can I.........?

But then
Even the question
Disappears
And you go back to sleep
The unanswered alarm clock
Lulling you
Back to your tranquil
Limitations

But just for that moment
You were capable of something
More

You, you...why am I saying you?
I'm talking to you
Aren't I?

Talking about me?

Okay

So

Today

In the mail
I got a letter

A letter from you
And I thought
How lovely
Who sends letters anymore?

It would be creepy
If I wasn't so desperately eager
To have you love me

And I opened the letter
Lovely envelope by the way
A cream color
And the letter itself
Parchment
And beautiful ink
And your handwriting--

Goodness, your handwriting

The loops over the 'l's
And the tiniest dots ever for the 'i's
And your whimsical 'g's
Oh goodness, well--

In it
In the letter
You said--

'I love you'

And it was like...

Like I remembered how to fly again

The switch was flipped
The page was turned
The pancake was perfect!

And I was happy
And happiness wasn't something I had to find
I just had to remind myself
That it was already there
Waiting for me

I just needed somebody
To point it out
And say--

You silly man
Didn't you know?
Didn't you?

But I didn't

If, in a dream, all I have to do
Is wish to fly
And I can fly

Then, here, in real life
Holding the words of my one true love
What's there to stop me
From doing, well, anything really?

Honestly, my darling
Tell me

What could ever
Hold me down
Again?

Emo Boy and the Manger Scene

So you're like...a virgin and stuff...right?

I was a virgin last month
But now everybody's a virgin
So, like, why?

Like, all these people
Who never used to be virgins
Are all like--No, I'm totally a virgin now
And I'm like--Not if you weren't before
And they're like--Spiritually I am
And I mean, I respect that
Because I'm a spiritual being
Who accepts people as they are
But also, I'm filled with hatred for them
Because they're liars and frauds
So...you know...

So like, how did you get this job?
I got to be Shepherd Two because my uncle knows a guy
And I needed the money
So like, whatever, but--

I'm not really into organized religion
Because I feel like my soul is a poem
I haven't finished writing yet
So how can somebody else read it, you know?
But, like, Jesus seems like he would have been
A really cute baby

And, like, you're cute and you're his mom
So that makes sense

That they would hire you, I mean
To be his Mom
And, like, even though he's a doll
Made in China
By starving children
And I feel bad even looking at him
Because I'm only perpetuating the oppression of others
I sort of feel like he has my nose

So like, basically, we make a really good couple

Do you want to, like, go to a concert with me sometime?

We can go see this Pat Boone cover band I like
Pat Boone cover bands are really in now
I'm not sure who Pat Boone was
But I think he might have been a Mexican troubadour
And his music is the voice
Of a naked people

Naked as in like their hopes and dreams
But also maybe as in like really naked
Because they're super poor and stuff

My cousin went to Mexico on Spring Break
And he said on the way to the resort
He saw like a ton of poor people
And it was really life-changing

Then he went on the water slide

So...

I heard you saying you, like
Don't have anywhere to go for Christmas,
Because you can't afford a plane ticket home
And, um...

My Mom, like, loves Christmas
Like so much
Because, she's, you know, the worst

But, like, she makes this huge dinner every year
And my house is, like, I mean, there's room, you know
For extra people to, like--

So if you wanted to stay at my house for Christmas
That would be, like, totally fine
Like, I kind of already asked my mom
And she was like, 'You're bringing a girl home for Christmas?'
And I was like, 'Maybe'
And she was like, 'You're not gay?'
And I was like, 'Oh my god, eye-liner is gender ambiguous'
But whatever

So...do you wanna...?

Okay

Okay, cool

Cool

Yeah

Okay

Cool

Yeah

Definitely

Rad

Yeah

Rad

Cool

Awesome

Well, I mean, not...but yeah
Okay
Cool
Yeah
Okay

So this Christmas might not suck after all
I mean, it'll still be corporate and materialistic
And my mom refuses to buy turkeys
Who died of old age instead of being cruelly butchered
At one of the turkey deathmills
But at least I'll have somebody to chill with
And that'll be cool

Eh, don't mention it
Like, I said, we have room

It's Christmas, right?

There's always room
On Christmas

Paulina's Holiday Party

Hello to all of you
Customers of my store

Welcome to Paulina's Holiday Party
And Festival of Booshnita
Here at Paulina's Palace of Porn
And Container Shop

With special new privacy containers
That way nobody can see the filthy things
You creepy people are buying
At the store

Put on plastic gloves if you want eggnog!
Paulina does not want your pinunu-touching fingers
On her limited edition Vladimir Putin commemorative mugs!

Now--

In spirit of holiday
I would like to thank all of you perverts and sluts
For keep food on Paulina's table this year
And clothes on back

In old county, we not celebrate Christmas

A fat man breaking into our house
And eating our cookies
Was not called 'Christmas'
It was called--Uncle Boris Escaped from Labor Camp Again
Larry, Get the Spiked Bat

Good children did not get presents
And bad children did not coal
Good children got coal
Because it keeps you warm
During long winters
And you could draw little face on it
And pretend it was brother
Who went out picking berries
And never came back

God, how it warms my heart
To think of these fond memories

I remember Mama
Bent over a stove
Cooking the gruel mixed with yak liver
While all sixteen children
Swarmed around her
Asking to lick the bowl

Mama was a tired woman

Papa would come home at midnight
After working in fields all day
Then drinking at all twelve bars
In our little village
And if he was able to get inside
Before passing out on front stair
Then no beatings the next day
And there was much celebrating

All my brothers and sisters and I would huddle together
On the floor next to the can of burning trash with the word 'radiator' written on it
And wonder if we remembered to set the wolf traps
Before going to bed
Since my brother Ivan always smelled like pork
And would attract wild animals into the house
Like the village whore attracted my Uncle Boris
After he got done eating all our food

Speaking of whores--

I want to remind you ladies
That everything in Aisle Four is on sale
Including my newest shflya--

The Santa Baby

--Guaranteed to get
To the bottom of all your stockings

The Santa Baby has more electricity in it
Than the fence we used
To keep the Bolsheviks out of our tomato garden

But it is happy time for gentleman freaks too!

If you sign up for Paulina's 'Naughty List'
You get free spanking
After every hundred dollar purchase

What?

No, I will not be one
Doing the spanking!

As if Paulina would let her one of her vintage paddles
Touch your grotesque backsides

Nephew Nicholas will be doing spanking

He is cashier at Container Store
And will enjoy spanking you

I would say he will enjoy spanking you a little too much
But Paulina keeps family bones in pantry
As they say

For those of you godless gentlemen
Who prefer other gentlemen
I have box in back of store now
Labeled 'Straight to Hell'
And in it are many new and exciting things
For you to try

The most popular seller is called 'The Yeltsin'
Named after Yeltsin
And shaped like birthmark on his head

I won't say what you do with it
But I promise
That wherever you put it
Will be a much happier place

For you ladies, there is the 'Stalin'
Which is at half price off for holiday season
And which is guaranteed to make
Your trains run on time

But we save best for last!

For every filthy video you sickos buy
You get gift from purchase:

This picture of my Uncle Boris
On key chain

Picture was taken the day before
One of the wolves got into the house
And tore him up
The way Papa would tear up any newspaper
With word 'democracy' in it

I remember waking up that cold December morning
Finding him on the kitchen floor
Blood being all the everywhere
And thinking to self--

Is Christmas miracle!

May your Christmas
Be good as well
And may you all purchase many things
And then get the hell out of store
So I can wipe down with bleach
And say prayer for you
That the diseases infesting your pinunu's
Not take your lives
Until after you have maxed out all credit cards
Here at Paulina's Palace of Porn

This is my Christmas wish