If We Had a Car

If we had a car

We wouldn't stay in on Friday nights

We'd go driving to the city

And drink up city lights like fancy wine

We'd stop at every store

And buy things we don't need

'Would you like a toaster?'

'Why yes, I'd love one.  Thank you.'

'A red couch with purple spots?'

'Sounds lovely!'

We'll drive through neighborhoods

Filled with people we don't know

And if we see them walking

We'll say 'Hop on in'

And take our caravan out dancing

Like a brand new family

One we've made ourselves

Those are always

The best kind of family

We'd see what was going on

In every building downtown

We'd eat at every restaurant

We'd see shows at every theater

We'd say 'Hi' to everybody

And pretty soon

We'd be the friendliest people in town

With the most friends too

We'd get dinner so late

The people around us

Would all be eating breakfast

But we'd be okay

Because we'd know that we're going home to sleep

And sleep and sleep and sleep

For weeks

Because we don't have to work

Because we don't have to worry

Because we have a car

Because that's all we need

And each other

In the car

Going until we run out of gas

Or money for gas

To a place where we can park

And then run

And run until we fall down

And we bet that's where there's sand

And an ocean

And a house we can live in

Until we feel like getting back in our car

And driving home

To a house

Where it's not Friday

So we can stay there

And not feel bad

At all

Father Frank at the Funeral

We are here today
To honor the life
Of a burly man

...Uh, sorry...

Brilliant, a brilliant man

You'll all have to bear with me
These are my old glasses
My new prescription is a bit stronger
But I broke the new glasses
During an Exorcism last week

Hahaha just a little joke

I left them on the seat of my car
And I sat on them
So I have to wear these
In the meantime

Luckily, I'm not totally blind
And if I were I could just
Put my hands on my face
And ta dah!

Haha another joke
Another joke

Uh, anyway--

Let's talk about Micky

Uh, Michael

I'm sorry

Isn't Mickey a nickname for Michael?

Well, it should be

Any two names
That start with the same three letters
Should be interchangeable

Mickey, Michael
Marty, Mark
Lena, Lenscrafters

It's all the same

Anyway, back to Microphone

He was a wonderful man, a demoted husband, and a floating father.  He just loved to float on his kids--all eighty-seven of them.

Wait, that might say fifty-four.  I apologize.

All fifty-four of those kids.

I don't seem to have the names here, but I bet at least seven of them are juniors.

It's always hard when a man is taken in the prime of his life.  Of course, Mighty Mouse was taken at the age of ninety-three, so nobody's really sobbing up a storm here, but still, it's not the best day any of us have had, I'm sure.

But he lived a full life

He was an avid sock-climber, a former jockey slayer, and a zombie violinist.

He loved dishing out some good coke.

I mean, jokes--sorry--jokes, he loved jokes.  Good jokes.

I'm sure he would have you all rolling in the aisles if he wasn't locked up in that casket.

You know, I've never been in one, but I would bet that it's pretty claustrophobic.

Thank God, old Mindy is dead, or he'd probably be banging on the lid, telling us to get him out.

Hahaha oh it's good to laugh when you're grieving.

Too bad the man of honor isn't here to lighten up the mood.

There's irony in that somewhere.

The important thing to remember is, uh, let's see I wrote this down, because I didn't want to--

Oh yes.

The important thing is that he's always with us, riding our carts.

Uh, residing--I mean--in our hearts.

Ahem.

I mean, amen.

Rest in peace, Missy.

Morty.

Whatever.

God bless.

How You Handled It

He said, 'Can we be friends?'

Very sweet
Very lovely
A lovely gesture

'Can we be friends?'

And, society dictates
That I say 'Yes'

That I say 'Yes'
Knowing
We are never
Going to be
Friends

We may be acquaintances
We may be more than strangers
We may be able to exchange a nice 'hello'
If we see each other by chance
Because we will ONLY see each other by chance
Because we are not
Will not be
Really
Friends

But you see, this entire sham
Is all so that
There can be a little less awkwardness
In the Universe

So that everybody is 'okay'

'Are you two all okay?'
'Yeah, we're okay.'
'We're great.'
'We're friends.'

Fuck that

I have no interest
In being
Your friend

I have lots of friends
Too many friends
And the friends I have now
Are getting short-changed as it is
Because I spend all my time
Trying to create new friendships
With people like you
So that I can appear to be
A mature individual
Who befriends their old fuck buddies
Once the fuck buddies panic
Because the music stopped
And they didn't see enough chairs
To sit in

I find you weak

I find it weak that somebody nears thirty
Or falls over the top
And if they're not in some semblance
Of a committed relationship
They feel they're failing at something
In their life

I'm failing at nothing

I eat dinner when I want
I go out when I want
I watch what I want on tv

And although I'm sure true love is brilliant
If it's anything less than that
I'm not interested in it

And I sincerely doubt
That the person you've found

The square peg that fits into your rectangular hole
Albeit, not perfectly, but hey
Comfortably, right?

Because in this age
Of constant dissatisfaction
And the heightened awareness
That we are NOT going to wind up with our
Sleepless in Seattle soulmates
But instead, someone reasonably attractive
That we can live with
Who will not drive us crazy--

--Comfortable is all we can hope for

Bitter?
Jaded?
Cynical?

Yes, I am

Just please add 'pragmatic' to that list

Because, and here's what scares me
Now, when anybody speaks the truth about ANYTHING
They're bitter

They're jaded

They're cynical

If anybody says anything unpleasant
About love or relationships
They're a wounded soul
Lashing out at everybody else
Who still believes

Well go ahead and believe
But keep your believing away from me
I do not want to be your friend

And not because you went out
And found a relationship
Although I do admit
That it's always a bit sad
When I have to put a line through someone's name
In my Happy Book

Not that most of them don't come running right back
To the sort of situation they had 'grown out of'
Once their marriage of convenience
Deconvenes

No, I am not jealous or deeply hurt
I am simply stunned
At how
You handled it

One day I shoot you a message
Asking if you'd like to hang out
And yes, that means sex
Because it always means sex
Because that is how our relationship works

And at first, you act surprised
Like you're unaware of the parameters
Like we haven't done this a million times
Like you haven't contacted me in the same way looking for the same thing
Like I'm some foul odor that's clouded over you
Like you simply don't understand

And we go back and forth
While I try to figure out
If I did something wrong
Or you're just in a weird mood

And then you say--

'I'm seeing someone'

And you say it in this sort of
And yes, this may make me sound crazy
Since we do this all through text messaging
But I detect a definite tone
A definite superior tone
As if--

It's as if you're saying--

'You are now a cast-off of my wicked past.  Be gone with you'

Oh, but then--

'I shallow allow thee friendship.  You may rejoice.'

And when I say 'you're seeing someone?'

You say 'Yes'
And again
I detect tone
As if you feel I should have known this
As if perhaps I didn't read the newsletter
You send out
To all your fuck buddies

Gee sorry, I never should have let that subscription lapse
If I hadn't, I would know that you've been seeing someone for three days
And they've already moved in
And adopted a cat with you
And you've made a blood pact
To die together
Grasping each other
In some buried tomb
Like Aida and Radames

And then in comes the knife--

'But let's catch up sometime.  No reason we can't be friends.'

Oh yes, because that won't be silly

Two people whose entire relationship
Involved nudity and seeing which surfaces would be most fun to screw on
Suddenly sitting in a cafe
Talking about how good the muffins are

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

Why am I the crazy one
For suggesting
That something like that
Would be horribly--

--And this should have an affect on you--

--UNCOMFORTABLE

For both of us

Or are you hoping
That I'll say 'Sure, let's do that'
And then never follow through

Much like you never followed through
On letting me, and whomever else you might have been fucking around with, know
That suddenly you were the marrying kind

So that I wouldn't have to find out like this

When I'm halfway to your house
After a long day
Needing to release all this tension
And now instead
I'm going to have to drive to some sleazy pizza joint
And order the Meat Lover's Special
Which I'm pretty sure comes
With a live pig on top

And I
Will
Eat
It

All that aside, we cannot be friends
Because my friends
Do not text me with superior tones


They don't think being in a relationship
Somehow makes them better
Or different
From who they were


My friends would not have handled it
Like you handled it


And that's why I'm mad
That's why we can't be friends
That's why I really want to drive by your house
And shout--


'I FUCKED ON THAT DINING ROOM TABLE FIRST, WHOEVER YOU ARE!'


But I won't
I don't
I didn't


I thought about it, but--


No


I'll admit that what we had
Didn't entitle me to any loyalty
Or commitment


Maybe it didn't even obligate you
To phone me
When you knew
That you were getting off the market


But that tone
And those messages
And that bullshit you came up with
To keep everything sunny and pleasant


I deserved better than that


Just a little bit better


So regardless of what society dictates


No, we will not be friends
No, we will not be acquaitances
No, if I see you out in public, I will not walk up and hug you
As if we used to go square-dancing together


I'm sorry, but I won't do it


Actually, no, I'm not sorry


Fuck you


I'd love to end this on a mature note
But why start now?


Fuck you
Fuck whomever you're dating
And fuck me for wasting my time on you
Even if it was fun time
Even if it was nothing

I still could have wasted it
On someone better

Why Am I Still Mad?

Hi, Dr. Stanz?

Hi, Dr. Stanz, it's me
Trevor?

Right

Hi

Yeah, sorry for waking you, but--

Oh, okay, great

Yeah, I mean
Emergency is kind of a strong word, but--

Well, if it'll keep you on the phone
Then, yeah, it's an emergency

See, uh...

Last week, I was out with my girlfriend
At this, like, I mean, I guess it was a restaurant
But we were, like, at the bar in the restaurant
And there was this guy there
And he was drunk
And he was sort of, um, like, heckling us
I guess you would say
Because he was drunk
And, you know, it was a Saturday night
And I was wearing this stupid pink t-shirt
That my girlfriend bought me
Because she says real men wear pink
Which is probably something she read in
Get Your Boyfriend's Ass Kicked magazine

Anyway, the guy was being a jerk
And normally, as you know
I would go over, and, uh--

Talk to him about that

But, because we've been working on my anger issues
I just suggested to my girlfriend
That we leave the bar
And go somewhere else

And she was all proud of me
Because I was the bigger man
And ohhh look at what I've learned in therapy
And, you know, for a minute there
I felt pretty good too
Especially knowing
I was probably going to get laid later that night

But, now, it's a week later
It's three am
And, uh...

I'm still mad

And I guess what I'm wondering is--

Why am I still mad?

I mean, I did everything you told me to do
I walked away
I practiced my breathing
I did that empathy thing
Where I thought about
What the other guy must be feeling
Why he was being such a jerk

And, you know
Every time I think about it
I'm still pretty pissed off

So I guess what I'm wondering is
When will I be able to think about that night
And that guy
And not wish
That I'd punched his friggin' lights out?

No, I mean
I'm glad I didn't
I would have been thrown out
My girlfriend would have given me the silent treatment
For who knows how long
But a part of me
When I put myself back in that situation
Still says--

You should have punched that guy

So what is that, Doc?

I mean, I thought we were supposed
To be getting rid of my anger here

Not putting it off to the side
So it can rot away inside of me
For the rest of my life

My father was like that

He never yelled once in his whole life
Then one day somebody cut him off in traffic
He screamed 'asshole' at the guy
Had a massive heart attack
And died

Doc, I don't that happening to me

But all this yoga-meditation-breathing bullshit
Is doing the trick

When I want to hit someone
Going home and hitting a pillow
Isn't going to help

Plus, now when I walk in my house
All the pillows fall off the bed
And roll under the nightstand

Just a little joke, Doc

Look, I appreciate all your help, I do

Teaching me the value
Of not engaging with morons
Is very helpful

The problem is
I still have this ball of anger inside of me
And when I don't do what it says
I can hear this voice in my head
Saying 'coward wimp chicken'
And when I walk away
The voice gets louder and louder
And even when it dies out
All I have to do is think about a time
When I walked away
And there it is again

The voice
The anger
The feeling like I let somebody
Walk all over me

So what do I do?

I mean, is it just going...

Just going to be like that forever?

Am I just going to be mad my whole life?

Because, I just--

You know, it--

It just feels unfair

Doc, you don't know how bad
I'd love to be one of those people
Who just has everything
Roll off their back

Just says--'Ay, whatever'

All the time

Never gets upset
Never yells
Never loses his temper

But I'm not
You know?

I'm just not one of those people

And I thought, you know
I just thought
That if I did everything you said

If I did the breathing
And the relaxing
And the, you know, whatever

That it'd go away

But it's still there, Doc

It's still there

So what do I do?

I'm scared of it, Doc

God's honest truth, I'm scared

Because, my girl, she...

She wants to have a kid

She wants to have a kid so bad

One day, you know
One day

And all I can think is
What if he gets it too?

What if I give it to him?

Nothing gets to me more
Than the thought of that

That's what makes me angrier
Than anything

You Have Failed As Parents

Melissa and Chris
I didn't want to be the one to tell you this
But rather than say it behind your backs
Like the rest of your friends
I've decided to come here
With sponge cake
And say it to your face

Melissa and Chris
You
Have failed
As parents

Now, I know what you might be saying to yourselves right now--

'Oh God, we've been found out!'

But the important thing to remember
Is that nobody is judging you
I mean, we were judging you
But now we're judging your kids
They're old enough now
To be judged

Like Karen

It's one thing that she's a lesbian
We don't mind that
I mean, there are good lesbians and bad lesbians
Sort of like the witches in Oz?

But Karen is a bad witch, Melissa and Chris

She's not a gardening, button-down wearing, cat-breeding
Kind of lesbian

She's a tattooed, bar-owning, badass
Kind of lesbian

She frightens us

Yes, we know she has the most successful bar in Chicago
But that's not the point
The girl has VISIBLE tattoos
She might as well be a pirate
With a parrot on her shoulder
Terrorizing poor orphans
Waving her hook at them!

Then there's Paul
The...writer

Remember when we warned you
About encouraging the arts?

Did you read Paul's last book?

'Suburban Terrorists?'

I counted seventeen obscenities in that book
And that was all just on the dedication page

No, I do not find it sweet
That he dedicated the book to you
His 'effing awesome' parents
Maybe you think that's cute
But I certainly don't

Finally, we come to Shane

None of us had any hope for him

When you name a child Shane
You might as well put him on a motorcycle
And teach him to shoot puppies in a barrel

What?

I don't know how puppies get in barrels!
It's an expression!

Look, I realize there's absolutely nothing you can do
About any of this now

But the least you could do is feel bad about it

You keep having those people you call children
Over here all the time
For barbecues
And holidays
And family dinners every Sunday

It's like you're proud of them or something!

Melissa and Chris,
I'm going to leave you this sponge cake
And while you eat it
I want you to think about
What you've done
And how you're responding to what you've done

And then maybe you can think about adopting a few more kids
And trying again?

That's what we did
When the twins
Opened that non-profit
To help the environment
Instead of becoming lawyers
Per our request

Now our adopted children
Are watching episodes of Law and Order
And holding little mock trials in the living room
Where they convict us of war crimes

Isn't that adorable?

It just goes to show you
It's never too late, Melissa and Chris

It's never too late
To give it
One more try

Be Where You Are

Just, you know
Like it's not my intention
To give you advice
But
Right now
I can see you're in Romania
Maybe many Romanias
You might be caught
In several different Romanias right now
And not even know it

That's why it's important
To be where you are

Because, sometimes
You're, like
Making love to someone
It could be anyone
And you're looking up at the ceiling
Thinking, I should make soup after this
I should go home and make soup
And years later
When you're older
And you miss the body you had
And the things you could do with it
You won't miss the soup
And you won't miss the ceiling
But you will miss the, well, you know
So, be where you are

Even now I can see you drifting off

You might be in 1968 right now
Which isn't the best year
Even for daydreaming
I'd prefer you be in 1999 or 2085
But not 1968
That's practically an insult

Just eat the food you eat while you're eating it
Look at it
Say this is a ham sandwich
Maybe write a little poem about it, like--

Oh ham sandwich
I'm glad you're here
I just wish I were old enough
To drink you with beer

You say you're twenty-one, but you're not
Not right now
Right now you're seven, and maybe four and a half

That's the danger
Of being other
Being In the Other
Instead of Where You Are

Be where you are
And then you can have a beer
And vote
And drive
And play basketball
And eat cookies at midnight
And join a stamp collecting club
And be amazing

Because as long as you're here
You're really quite wonderful

But when you're somewhere else
I'm not sure what you are
At all

Sally in Self-Help

I'm looking for books
About being psychologically abused

Well...Maybe not abused
Maybe manipulated

Psychologically manipulated
Do you have books on that?

You know what?
You'd better give me 'manipulated' and 'abused'
That way I can see which one best fits me
Because I might have been abused
Without even knowing it

My Wednesday therapist says I sometimes have a hard time
Figuring out what's happening to me
Until it's already happened

Which explains the children, of course

Anyway, I think my mother might have manipulated and/or abused me
But my Tuesday therapist thinks--

Well, you see, my Tuesday therapist was my first therapist
But she refused to see me
More than three times a week
And I really need more attention than that
So I went out and got a second therapist
Which is fine
Because it's always good to have a second opinion

But now I'm not sure whose opinion is the first
And whose opinion is the second

Do you have any books on hiring a therapist?
I think I need to fire my Tuesday therapist
And get a new one

Oh, do you have any books on firing people?
God, I'm not sure I could do that
Can you hire people to do that for you?

Ugh, I'm delegating again

The Wednesday therapist says I do that too often
Maybe I should fire him

But then again, I may just be intimidated
By the fact that he's a man

I have trouble with authority figures
Plus men make me feel uncomfortable
And women always tend to feel like competition
And children seem needy
And my fifth husband was gay
And mother gave me up for adoption when I was born
But I'm not entirely convinced she didn't manipulate and/or abuse me first

Do you have any books for that?
For any of that?

Wouldn't it be great if there was just one big book called--

'Why You're Screwed Up'

I would write a book like that
But I have problems finishing what I start
Which is why I never got that degree psychology
Otherwise I could just be my own Tuesday therapist

You look a little irritated
Am I irritating you?

Or are you just afraid
Of a strong woman
Who speaks her mind?

What?

Oh!

My taser

Don't worry about that

I just like to have it out at all times
In case someone tries to mug me

A man once yelled at me
When I was seven
Just because I hit his car with my bike
And now I have a severe phobia
Regarding people approaching me
In any way

That's why I asked that you stand eight steps back

As long as you stay there
You're fine

I mean, you're not really fine
You're probably emotionally damaged
Most of us are

I shouldn't even use the word 'fine'

But I mean, as far as you and I are concerned
You're fine
We're fine

Everything's fine

By the way--

Where are your books on parenting?

My three-year-old, Phoenix, is a little high-strung
And I'd like to know where that comes from

Do you have any ideas?

Lena Orders Lunch

Okay, let's see--

Well, I know want the House Burger
But can I get that without the House sauce?
And the lettuce?
And the buns?

I'm not eating bread anymore
I read somewhere that it shrinks your breasts

I know
That doesn't sound right to me either
But I'm not taking any chances

If it were up to me
I wouldn't eat food at all
Every day they're telling you some new food
Is going to dramatically decrease
Your quality of life

Why don't they just say 'Stop eating?'
It's going to come to that eventually anyway

Okay, so I'll have the House burger
And a House salad
And do you have a House dessert?

Great

Do me a favor
If I order the House dessert
Don't bring it to me

I'm trying to lose weight
Not in my breasts
Just in the rest of me

I realize that's not possible
As soon as you lose weight
You lose it in all the places
You don't want to lose it

The first things to go when I diet
Are my breasts, my behind, and my sanity

The only three things I have going for me

When my husband shows up
He's going to order the skirt steak

Tell him you're out of it
Tell him you're out of everything
But the House salad
His cholesterol is through the roof

He's going to be mad
So talk in a baby voice
And say--

'I'm so sawwy sir, pweese don't be mad at me.'

You'll get the biggest tip
You've ever gotten in your life
I can guarantee you that

I'll have to shoot you a dirty look
But don't worry
I'm aware that we're in this together

For now, can you bring me a drink?

Give me a glass of vodka
With a splash of Hawaiian punch
Two cut up strawberries
And a little pink umbrella

My girlfriends and I used to sip those on the beach
So we could look girly
And still get smashed

All the men thought we were so cute

We used to call those drinks
Venus Flytraps

Never mind why

I always said I was never going to become the woman
Who takes twenty minutes ordering lunch

Now I think most of those women weren't picky
They just wanted someone to talk to for a little while

You probably think they don't pay you enough
To talk to lonely people

Well, you're right

I suppose I shouldn't be so lonely
With a husband on the way
Taking time away from work
To come have lunch
With his nagging wife

Then again, I'm not entirely sure he's coming

When I called his office
They said he hadn't made it in yet today
But he could just be running late

We eat lunch together every Thursday
So I assume he'll remember
But then again...

We eat out so often
I think word's gotten around
About him being a big tipper

And some women don't nag as much as I do...

Well, anyway
I'll have that drink
And some mozzarella sticks
And potstickers
And something with bacon on it
And the House dessert

I know what I said, but that was a few minutes ago
I wasn't in my right mind a few minutes ago

Don't pay any attention to me
Nobody else does

Whatever that dessert is
Put extra everything on it
Put bacon on it too

To eat is to live
And you have to live
When you can

So I'll eat

And maybe my breasts will get bigger
And my ass will get larger
And my sanity will firm up

At the very least
I'll be happy

--Until the guilt sets in

But still, for a moment
Happy

And if you've ever had that before
You know you have to get it while you can

Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw it'
And get what you want

The Way He Died

All I wanna do
Is die the way he died

I'm fascinated by it
By the circumstances

I get in my car
And I drive towards the bridge
And I see the yellow tape
And I know, I know
That one day

The tape will be gone

The flowers will be gone

The photo of him
That we put on a rock on
So it would stay
Will be gone

And now I drive towards the bridge

It's not that I want to die
I just want to know
What it felt like for him

When someone you love
Dies in a sort of--

In that sort of way

Brakes give out
Car goes over a bridge
And then...

Some imply that what happened was suicide
They do an investigation
Brakes went out

No suicide

You're relieved

But then you think--

If it was suicide
At least
You'd be able to picture it

Those last few moments

They'd be about decision
About resolve
About selfishness

But when they're about brakes going out

Then you have to imagine--

Imagine what?

Panic?
Screaming?
Shock?

I take the car to the store
Because that's where he was coming from

He went to the store
To get milk
Just milk

I wanted cereal
Well, we both wanted--

I wanted cereal
He was okay with toast

But I'd had a rough night at work
And he knew that I wanted cereal
Before I had to go back to work and...

I quit my job

After the funeral
After all the--

I was supposed to go back
I ran out of bereavement leave
But instead, I just...

I just quit

I guess I should have just quit before
Then he never would have had to go get milk
Or cheer me up
Or forget to get the car checked out
Like you're supposed to

You could say there's no point saying 'what if' but...

I do feel a need to understand

To understand exactly what it must have felt like

So I drive to the store
I go in
I buy milk
I start to drive home
I get to the bridge
I see the yellow tape
And then...

I close my eyes

If there are other people on the bridge
I don't

I just drive home

Or I pull over
And cry

Or something ridiculous like that

But most of the time, believe it or not
It's just me

Maybe people are getting superstitious
About driving over that bridge
I don't know

All I know is that most of the time
I'm able to close my eyes
And feel the car start to swerve
And then I open them
And I try to capture it

What it is I feel

Because that's what he must have felt
Right before he died

And it's panic
And it's shock
And sometimes I scream

But there's also a...

A...

I think of him

And not him as dead
But him alive

Sitting at the kitchen table
Waiting for me to come home
With the bread
For his toast

So he can tell me
I should quit my job
That he'll support us both
Until we figure it out

The important thing is that I'm happy

That's what I see

So I suppose maybe what he saw
Was something similar

I suppose he must have seen me

I apologize if that sounds selfish or romantic
But, that's the best I can come up with

I reenact the way he died
Not because I want to die
But because it helps affirm
A very positive idea
In my mind

That the last thing he thought of
Before he went over the bridge
Was me
Waiting for him to come home
So I could tell him
That I love him

And that gives me some semblance of peace

Even as the car goes towards the railing
And I yank the steering wheel to the right
To get it back onto the road

I feel that peace

And it only lasts for a moment

Sort of like the way it feels
If you jump in an elevator
As it's going down

That feeling of anti-gravity

That's how quick it is

And so I keep going back
I keep closing my eyes
I keep going towards the railing

Because I'm addicted to that sense of peace

It makes me feel like I'm right there with him

Like we're both going down
Together

Two Intelligent People Discuss Having Casual Sex

"We could fall in love."
"We could."
"One of us."
"Pardon?"
"One of us could, as opposed to both.  As opposed to 'we.'"
"Oh."
"Correct?"
"Well, yes, correct."
"So perhaps we shouldn't.  I wouldn't want you falling in love and getting hurt and--"
"I thought you meant you."
"Pardon?"
"You.  I thought you meant you.   When you said 'one of us' I thought you meant you."
"Ah, no.  Clearly, I meant you."
"Clearly?"
"Yes, clearly.  You're the man.  You'll want to believe that a woman who has sex with you needs to be with you.  When you realize that I don't, the shock to your system will come across as something emotional.  You'll feel that you love me, but you won't, but you'll still feel you will, and so you'll be even harder to deal with, because I'll be trying to reason with someone who is, frankly, psychologically disturbed."
"There are a lot of hypotheticals there."
"Predicting what would happen to you if we have sex is like predicting an episode of Two and a Half Men.  There might be a few pleasant ups and downs during the show, but the ending isn't hard to figure out."
"I am not an episode of Two and a Half Men.  I would be an episode of Breaking Bad or Doctor Who or Mad Men--"
"Ha ha ha, oh that's delightful."
"What is?"
"Man Men perhaps, Breaking Bad maybe, but certainly not Doctorr Who."
"I'm witty, dorky, and totally non-threatening.  Of course I'm Doctor Who!"
"You're verbal, anti-social, and scrawny.  It's really not the same thing."
"Then why do you want to have sex with me?"
"Because I'd like to think that our matching intelligences would translate into an incredible physical connection."
"You don't plan on including emotion at all?"
"Casual sex can't include emotion."
"I disagree.  I think a dollop of emotion can actually enhance casual sex."
"My God."
"What?"
"You use the word dollop.  How can we ever hope to cavort?"
"Now wait a minute--"
"What sorts of things do you say during the heat of passion?  'Ah yes, yes, CONFIRMED!  EXPEDITE!    FIRMER!  FIRMER!  INSERTION PLEASE!'"
"Actually, you'd be saying 'insertion please.'"
"I don't believe so.  This isn't going to work."
"But we have such a wonderful connection."
"We're friends.  We enjoy each other's company.  As soon as sex is introduced into the relationship, we could lose everything."
"Or gain--"
"No."
"What?"
"No gain.  Nobody ever gains anything.  Whether we enjoy the sex or not, inevitably, it will potentially ruin--or at the very least alter--the friendship."
"What if we both wore masks?"
"Masks?"
"Then it would be like we were just having sex with strangers."
"And you think this is going to sound more appealing to me?"
"It could be fun!"
"It could feel like we're acting out a snuff film."
"Do you want to continue arguing?"
"Yes, it's rather like foreplay."
"But I'm not having any fun."
"Oh, but I'm having a blast."
"So this means we're leading up to something?"
"Foreplay doesn't always lead to full play.  Sometimes it goes on for years and then just ends.  Some people just get off on the anticipation."
"Are you one of those people?"
"Those people don't tell you who they are.  If they did, you wouldn't bother engaging them."
"Unless both of us were."
"Both of--"
"In which case, this discussion could go on forever."
"I suppose it could."
"Yes."
"Yes."

. . . . .

"Would you like to--"
"Not now."
"No?"
"No.  Two and a Half Men is on."
"And you're interested?"
"Believe it or not, it's my favorite show."

Dominick in the Dorms

He can't believe
She's asking this

'I'm so sorry'

She keeps apologizing

'I'm so sorry'

But she still needs him to stay right where he is

'At least until they leave'

Her roommates don't know

'Don't know what,' he asks

'That you have sex?  You're a college sophomore.  I don't think they're going to be that horrified.  And besides, I told my friends I'd meet them for drinks later.  I can't just stay here.'

He knew he shouldn't have gone home with her

But his shift ended
Right when he was handing her the bill

'Pretty girls shouldn't eat alone'

And she laughed at that corny line
And asked him what his plans were after work

He told her about the drinks with friends
But mentioned, sort of boldly in a way
That he might have time
To hang out
For a little bit
Depending on the activity

'On the activity,' she repeated
And then she looked down
In that way girls do
When they're trying to decide
If they should be bad or not

Then she decided

'My roommates are coming back at six'

She was wrong

Well, not really wrong

But they came back at five

She heard the door open
And her body stiffened
Like water turning into ice

'You have to stay'

Her roommates were in the living area
There was no way out of the dorm
Without him walking by them

Then they'd know

'And so what,' he said

And then he saw it on her face

He was a waiter
He was a townie
He had served her

She had just screwed a waiter
And they would know
Just by looking at him

They would know that Dominick
Was not a physics major
From the frat house
Two blocks down

His hands were dirty
His hair was greasy
And his clothes
Were drift store castoffs

She had just slummed it
And now she didn't want her roommates to know

'Look,' she said, 'I can, uh, I can make it worth it for you.  To stay'

Holy shit, she was kidding, right?

'Maybe, uh,' she went rifling through her purse
Still on the floor where she'd dropped it

She had the cash half out of the bag
Before she dropped it
And dropped the purse along with it

'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I'm really sorry'

But he was already at the door

He didn't look back

He just walked straight down the hallway
Past the living area
Where giggling chatter
Suddenly became silent

They must have known their roommate was up to something
They just probably weren't expecting that something
To look so damn good

Yeah, he thought, I know what I look like with a nice-post sex glow and grease in my hair.

I look pretty fucking good

And with that thought
Dominick found himself out on the quad
Where he was surrounded
By guys and girls
Just like the one
He'd just left

He wasn't one of them
And it never even occurred to him
Day after day of serving them
That there was a difference

He never bought into that
Until he saw that cash
Come out of that purse

That purse that probably cost more
Than what he makes in a month

And now he had them on all sides of him

If he turned around
He could probably see right into
The dorm room
He'd just been in

But he wasn't going to turn around

He was in the midst of the elite

Dominick the Trick
And the upper class

And from a distance
You wouldn't even be able
To tell the difference

Becky in the Blizzard

Becky's driving to his house
And it's snowing

It's really snowing

It's really fucking snowing

And she's driving

She's driving in the snow
In the snowstorm
In the fucking blizzard
To his house

And why?

Sex

That's why

. . . . .

...advises that only in the event of an emergency...

. . . . .

No heroic act
No racing to a loved one
No emergency

Just sex with a guy
She's wanted
Since high school

One year into college
And she's lost all the weight
And finally found a haircut
That doesn't make her look
Like a lesbian

Oh, and there's a blizzard
Yes, there's that

That's why he said 'Come over'

Because he's bored
Because he's horny
Because none of the girls
Who haven't spent most of their lives
Lusting after guys like them
While spending all their nights
Getting on and off a scale
Saying it's wrong

Saying it's off
Saying it's broken
Saying tomorrow

Tomorrow, tomorrow

Girls like that don't understand
That when a boy like him
Says 'Come over'
You go

You go even if it's three feet deep
And the road looks like an ice skating rink
After a hockey game
Right before the whatever-you-call-it comes out
To clean up

Because you don't know about tomorrow
Tomorrow is something you can't trust

You could gain all the weight back tomorrow

And if that seems impossible
Then you've never had all that weight on you

You know you don't lose it

It stays there beneath your skin
And on a day when you feel good
It starts pouring out of you
And suddenly you're fat again

And even if he did want to sleep with you on that day
You wouldn't let him
Because you're gross

Because you're disgusting

Because he'd gasp when you removed your clothing
And kick you out of his house

So on the day you feel good
Like, really good
Like, holy shit when did I start looking this good?

On the day when you have the guts
To text him and say--

'Crazy outside, huh?'

And he says--

'Yeah, you should come over and keep me company'

You get in your fucking car

And it doesn't matter
If your roommate is on CNN
And it says that anybody going out in this weather
Has an eighty percent chance
Of freezing within five minutes

And it doesn't matter
That your mother would disown you
If she knew that you were risking your life
Could go have sex
With a boy whose number is only in your phone
Because you were lab partners in Bio
And you did all the work

She'd also kill you
If she knew
He was one of the reasons
You settled for Dugan Tech
Instead of Cornell

She has no idea you're a romantic

Your sister is the romantic

Your sister is the one who would drive to a man
During a blizzard

But your sister is also married
With a baby
And a lawyer for a husband
So she has a right to be romantic

It's fine being romantic
When it results
In a happy ending

But when it means a cop pulling you over
To ask you if you're nuts
For being out in this weather
And you lying and telling him
That you're heading home
After working at a hospital
Where you're a nurse

Well then being romantic is just embarrassing

And the cop doesn't even look like he believes you

You can swear you hear him mumbling--'Have fun getting yourself killed'
As he walks away from your car

. . . . .

"...record snowfalls..."

. . . . . 


When she arrives at the house
She's already worried
About having to go again

I'll have to stay, she thinks

I'll have to tell him
That I'm crashing here
Until the storm is over

Actually, she thinks
That sounds great
I'll say it just that way

Hey, is it cool if I crash here until the storm blows over?


And he'll say 'Yeah, sure, of course'
Because, I mean, he's not a douchebag
He's a decent human being
Otherwise why is she about to sleep with him
Right?

Oh God, what if he says no?
What if he expects her to drive back out into the snow
After making love for, what?

Minutes?

The storm will still be going strong
And let's face it
You only get lucky once
When you tempt death

She may have made it here
But she is NOT making it back
If the weather stays like this

You can't spit in the face of Mother Nature
Two times in one night
And all because
You wanted to get laid

Her perfume has worn off
Because she's sweating
From having jacked up the heat
On the way over

She gets out of the car
And he's already waiting at the door

'C'mon in' he says
And she responds with--

'I can totally drive home if you want me to'

He laughs at her
Thank God

'I don't think you're going anywhere for awhile'

And that begins
The snowstorm
That went by in eighteen hours
That seemed like eighteen minutes
That seemed like forever

Becky remembers it all
As blankets
And pillows
And his hands
And his hair
And her legs
Looking absolutely stunning
Everything looking absolutely stunning
For the very first time

And when they woke up
At two o'clock
The following day
Becky put on her bracelet
Pulled her hair back again
And slowly slipped on her shoes

He sat up in bed
And hugged his knees
Up against his chest

'You don't have to go,' he said

She looked at him
Admired him, really
Took him in

She'd done something rash
And she didn't regret it

Now the roads were clear
The streets were salted
Cars were littering the world again
And Becky could go home

. . . . .

"...happy to report safe driving conditions..."


. . . . .


And Becky looks at him
And says--

'I guess I could hang around for a little bit'

And then
Just then
The sun came out

And nobody
Even
Noticed

Vamping

Isn't she supposed to be out by now?

Lindy, isn't she supposed to be--

Well, what should I--?

Okay, okay, I'll vamp

Relax, I'll vamp, it's fine.

. . . . .

Is she okay?

Her water broke?

She was pregnant?

I didn't know she was pregnant.

Did you know she was pregnant?

Did SHE know she was pregnant?

Well, what am I supposed to--?

I can't keep vamping.

Lindy, they do NOT think this part of the show

What show has two minutes go by
Where nothing happens onstage
And the same three measures
Play over and over again?

Okay, okay
I'll keep vamping

. . . . .

Doesn't she have an understudy?

What do you mean YOU'RE her understudy?

Well, what are you doing talking to me then?

Get onstage!

What's that book in your hand?

The script?

Are you learning lines?

Are you leaning lines NOW?

Just bring the script onstage with you!

So what?  Pretend that the Unsinkable Molly Brown is learning to read!

Lindy, I cannot keep vamping
Now get up there!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE STAGEFRIGHT?

Then why are you the understudy?!?!?

You know, I have to say, Molly Brown is looking pretty damn sinkable right about now.

No, I cannot vamp until you learn the lines

Play something else?

With nobody singing?

What do you want to hear?  Rhapsody in Blue?

Just bring down the curtain!

I don't care if we have to give refunds
I can't keep vamping like this forever, Lindy
Eventually my hands will fall off!

Fine, then put a wig on Zach
And shove him onstage!

I don't care!

What?

False alarm?

She's not having the baby?
She's not pregnant?
Or you're going to go onstage and sick your heart out
And we're only going to have to give them
Half a refund?

The first one?

Great

Just give me a minute

I need to remember where we are

Your Mother is Not a Recliner

I don't see my wife anymore
Because she's dead

She died

She's gone

Since that's happened
My daughter

My grown daughter
My grown adult daughter
Who was not raised
To believe in mumbo jumbo
Fortune tellers, seances
Ouija boards
Ghosts
Goblins
Or the Afterlife

We ran a very practical household
My wife and I

So when Carol told me
That she was 'seeing' her mother
Two months after she died
I was sympathetic
Because I know people deal with death
In their own ways
But then a year went by
And I was still hearing
About all the places
My wife was appearing

Carol said--'Dad, while I was at the supermarket a fly landed on my shoulder.  I think it was Mom.'

I said, 'Carol, your mother hated bugs.  If she was reincarnated as a fly, then God has a very sick sense of humor.'

Carol said--'Dad, there was a rainbow today.  I think it was Mom.'

I said, 'Carol, your mother was colorblind.  And she didn't appreciate irony.  Now come pick up the hedge trimmers I borrowed from your husband.'

Carol said--'Dad, I heard Mom's favorite song today on the radio.  It was her speaking to me.'

I said, 'Carol, your mother's favorite song was "Bohemian Rhapsody" and you were listening to a classic rock station.  I think it's safe to say you had a one in three chance of hearing it.'

Carol didn't give up
She's stubborn
Like her mother

She tried convincing me that she saw my wife
In pumpkins
Recliners
Kitchen counters
And wheat bagels

She thought my wife was speaking to her
Through answers on gameshows
In magazine articles
And once, on a billboard
Advertising the new 'Oh So Smooth' Frostie
At Binky's

It was, apparently, very important to Carol
That my wife's death
Was simply another chapter
In her life

She said that to me once

She said--

'Dad, Mom's death was just another chapter.'

I said, 'Carol, your mother's life had many chapters.  I would hope that none of them involved her being stuck in a frozen beverage.'

I could tell that my daughter was getting a little discouraged
By my lack of enthusiasm

We were talking on the phone
And she said--

'Dad, how can you be okay with thinking she's just dead?'

'Because,' I said, 'She is just dead.'

Then she hung up on me

I waited a day
Then I called her back

'Carol,' I said, 'I'm not trying to make fun of you.  I know the past year has been difficult.  But we all handle our grief in different ways.'

The truth is
I'm sort of proud
Of the fact
That my wife led the life she did
And then went peacefully in the night

It was sort of like a good movie
All the years we had together

I'm sorry it's over
But I can still replay
The best parts
In my mind

'And,' I said to Carol, 'If I really feel the urge to see her in a physical sense, I have photos.  Lots of photos.  Scrapbooks that range from our honeymoon to the time I got my hand stuck in the drain and we had to call the fire department.'

'Plus,' I said, 'I can look at you.'

And I can
Because Carol looks just like her mother

'But,' I said, 'I'm pretty sure your mother is not a recliner.'

If anything
My wife would have been
A dining room table

She always had a way
Of bringing her family
Together

Scooby's Last Case

Well hey there!

I'm Fred and these are my pals!

Sorry we got lost.

It was a little hard to find this cornfield.  Plus, it was so close to Vegas, that we decided to stop by Scooby's favorite pet store on the strip and get him some Scooby snacks.

Anyway, we're here to solve the Mystery of the--

HOLY @#$% THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE!

Uh, sorry, I just--

Usually, we don't, uh--

We're mostly into figuring out who's haunting abandoned amusement parks and condemned houses.  Stuff like that.  But, uh, you know, we are in the business of solving mysteries so--


The mob?

No, I can't say we've dealt with them.

Are they responsible for--


SCOOBY, DON'T EAT THAT!  THAT'S A HUMAN HAND!

Uh, are you sure this wasn't done by some cranky old guy in ghost costume?

No, no, we're totally capable of handling this.  We should, uh, probably take some fingerprints or something.

Daphne, could you do that?

Oh sorry, I didn't realize she was throwing up.

Shaggy, could you and Scooby look around and see if you can...uh...

I don't even know where to start.

Maybe we should see if we can find a body that still has a face on it and go from there.

Velma, you can do some computer thing and figure this all out, can't you?

Okay, well your computer doesn't need to tell us we're in over our heads.  I think that's pretty--

Shaggy, tell Scooby he has to stop eating the corn.  That could be evidence.  At least tell him not to eat the corn with the splattered organs on it.  Could we just--

Oh God, now I'm feeling sick.

Tell you what--we're going to go stay at that Haunted Hotel down the road and while we're there, we'll try to find you the number of somebody who can actually help you out here.

Maybe the Hardy Boys?

I hear they just got a new decoder, and they're probably dying to use it.

And You're Both Gay

You're going to love him
He's funny

He's sooo funny

And like, he looks--

I mean, he's sooo funny

Like the funniest guy ever

And his body is just--

Oh, my God, he's sooo funny

Like, I die around him
Constantly
Dying

At how funny
And sweet
And amazing he is

Do I find him attractive?

Um, well
I mean
I've never thought about it

You know, because he's--

Because he likes guys
And you like guys!

So there ya go!

You're both gay
And he's funny
And you're great
And you're both going to get along so well

Cute?

Like, I said, I--

Well, I guess if I HAD to say, I would say, um--

He's gay

I mean, he's definitely gay

So no worries there

And he's very, you know
Humorous
He's of good humor

And I think you're really going to find him very--hysterical

Just, he'll have you laughing
And you'll be all 'Hahaha'
And you might not even notice that he's--

That, um, that--sorry, lost my train of thought

But anyway, yeah, he's gay

You're both gay

And you're both great

And you're very handsome
And he's--a boy
And you're both gay

So yay!

Right?

Claps hands?

Why aren't you clapping hands?

Oh my God, don't be shallow!

Looks aren't important!

Would I date him if I were gay?

God no!

Oh, but I mean, that's not because--

I mean

The thing is--

You know I don't like guys who are funny

I like them very, you kow
Just, mean
And, cruel
And, you know, just really not nice

So, he just wouldn't be my type

But he's definitely you're type

Because you like boys
And he's a boy
And you're a boy
And he also likes boys
And math just sort of dictates
That you two should be together and--

Okay, fine, he's the brother of this guy I want to date
And I promised we could do like a group thing
And if you agree to go to dinner with us
And not stare at his hump or his lazy eye
And laugh a few times at his stupid jokes
And then text him two days later
And tell him you've decided to become a celibate vegan who practices black magic
I'll pay you fifty bucks

Deal?

Great

I think you two are really going
To hit it off

Lyrics

"Gonna throw myself/Right off a roof/Gonna eat a knife/Gonna give you proof"

~ Oh my gosh, Keely!  Are you okay?
~ Yeah, they're just song lyrics, Chrissy.  Relax lol
~ LOL Sorry!

"I hate myself so much/I might go throw myself/Into a cage full of wolves/Eat my brain/Eat my spleen/Wolves"

~ Keely, are you sure you're okay?
~ Yeah, I'm great!  It's just a song I like.
~ Oh, um, okay lol

"Somebody drive a car into me/Please, please, please/Somebody put dynamite in my pants and then walk away/Please, please, please"

~ Keely, I'm a little worried
~ Chrissy, seriously, they're just songs.  It's not good to make assumptions lol
~ I know but--
~ I said lol
~ Actually you typed it.  You didn't really say--
~ LOL, Chrissy, L-O-L
~ Um, okay, lol

"If I had a friend named Chrissy/I'd probably destroy her/With laser beams/Or maybe a wrench/Like in 'Clue'/Oooooh oooh Chrissy"

~ Keely, this is getting weird.  I googled those lyrics, and nothing popped up.
~ That's because I wrote the song.
~ Okay, well then, we might need to talk.
~ Chrissy, why can't you let me express myself artistically?
~ You can, but--
~ And why do you keep writing dashes when we're arguing?
~ Sorry.
~ And why do you assume everything's about you, Chrissy?  It's not all about you!
~ OMGIFSBICDPFM!?!?!
~ Okay, I forgive you, but only because you said PFM.
~ LYSMSIADS
~ IOYDSLOL
~ LOL

"Chrissy, I'm outside your house right now/I'm watching you eat cheerios/I have a laser pointed at your head.  It's going to explode your head/Boom, boom, baby, boom boom."

~ Okay, that's definitely not a song, because there isn't even any iambic pentameter.  Also, I am eating cheerios.  Also, I think maybe I have to call the police now, Keely.

"Chrissy, call the police/Chrissy, I'm going to lick your face with my poison tongue/Chrissy, this song isn't even about you ohmygodyouresofullofyourself/Chrissssssyyyyy"

~ I'm logging off now.

"How sweet it is to be loved by you..."

~ That's James Taylor.

"Chrissy, you're a fool!"

~ Okay, I think that's you again.

"Chrissy, all creatures of Earth hate you"

~ Goodnight, Keely.

"Ostiches and lemons"

~ Goodnight

"Dandelions and monkeys.  Potatoes and potato farmers all hate Chrissyyyyy..."

~ Chrissy has signed off

100 Words About Renee

Well, she left me.

She had brown hair.

She was nice.

She left me.

Is it still 100 words if I repeat the same ones over and over again?

She left me.

She left me.

She left me.

Do those words count?

Sometimes I think my mind is trying to trick me.  Trying to make me see her when she’s not there.  So I see her in ocean water, in cotton candy, in soda cans...

She made me soup when I was sick.

She’s the only girl I ever met who loved baseball more than me.

And she left me.

Look at Him Cross the Street

Okay, turn slowly
Turn slowly, okay?

Slowly

Pretend you're stretching
In that weird way
That nobody actually stretches

And look at--

That

Look at him cross the street

No looking from side to side
No checking for oncoming traffic
No using the crosswalk

It's as if he's saying--

'You know who uses the crosswalk?  Losers, that's who.'

That's a man, right there
That is a certifiable M-A-N

You can just hear the music in his head

Some seventies song
Like 'Come and Get Your Love'
Or Barry White
Or 'Rock the Boat'

Something you'd make out to
While laying on an orange shag carpet
As the smell of incense engulfs you

That man is from another time

A time of free love
And ridiculous hair
And men four necklaces
Without a hint or shame or irony

I am in love with this man

I would date him
Simply to make him pick me up at work
So I could wait for him on the corner
While he crosses the street
Landing on the other side
Like an explorer
Discovering a new world

Like Neil Armstrong
Or Christopher Columbus
Or the guy who discovered Teflon

This man is my man

He will make love
Quickly, quietly, and ferociously
Bringing me to levels of pleasure
I've only previously achieved
By watching Colin Farrell movies

This is my soulmate

He is a GQ man
He is an Esquire man
He is a Details man

--Which means he might be gay

But that's all right!

Either way, I'll take him

I'll take all of him

And when I--

Okay

Well, I couldn't see her
Behind that one hundred and forty pound man

That must be the biggest problem
With being so skinny
You disappear
When you turn sideways

Ah, they're kissing
They're in love
They're happy

How wonderful

And there they go
Crossing the street

Hahaha ah love

And, like him
She doesn't check before crossing the street either

Well then
I don't feel so bad
About wishing
A car would hit them

By the way, is it just me
Or does that homeless man
Have just the tiniest bit of--

--Allure?

Ellipses

Brit?

Brit, it's me.

No, the date's over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Sushi, movie, we made out twice
He got some boob
But listen!

We've been, like, texting

You know, like, when you have a really good date
Like a giddy-oh-my-god-you're-grabbing-my-boob-and-I'm-totally-okay-with-it date
And you feel like it's totally okay
To do an immediate post-date text

Well, I did

And he texted back

And he used

Ellipses

Ellipses, you know
The dot dot dot

Like, I said--'I had a really good time tonight smiley face'

And he texted back--'I did too...dot dot dot.'

What do you mean so what?

The dot dot dot means uncertainty
The dot dot dot means 'except I really didn't'
The dot dot dot means I think you're a whore for letting me grab your boob
As soon as we ordered appetizers

He DOT DOT DOTTED ME, BRIT!

What do you mean
He uses those all the time?

Like in everyday life?

BRIT!

Why would you fix me up with a guy
Who uses ellipses?

Do you know what that does to a person?

You might as well have set me with up
With the guy who invented Morse Code!

Listen to these texts!

'You're cool too dot dot dot'
'Sure, we can hang out again dot dot dot'
'I guess three weeks is enough time to wait before you move in with someone dot dot dot'

I feel like I'm walking through a minefield here!

And what's worse is that he might really like me
And I can't even tell!

I'd rather be flat-out rejected
Instead of strung along
On a series
Of tiny little dots!

I mean, is he going to be like this
Forever?

Is he going to look at me one day and say--

'I love you dot dot dot?'

This is the worst thing that has ever happened
In the history of dating

This is right underneath whoever said--

'Oh don't worry about Henry, Anne.  I'm sure he's over that whole beheading thing.'

I have to go, Brit

No, I don't blame you--

--dot dot dot

I'm kidding
I'm kidding

I'll call you tomorrow

I have to go fire up google

I need to know how to use a semi-colon

A Letter from Siberia

Dear Cha Cha,

Greetings from Siberia University.  Ranked the Best and Worst University in Siberia.  When you're the only University, you get the distinction of being the best and the worst.  Some days I wake up in my dorm room and think--

I wonder which school I'm at today?  The best?  Or the worst?

Usually it's the latter.  Perhaps other students at the university are going to the best.  Those must be the students I don't hang out with.

My roommate asks me who I'm writing to, and I tell him my grandmother.

You call your grandmother Cha Cha, he asks.

I say, of course, what do you call yours?
\
Grandma, he says.

How original.

Nobody here has any scope.  Some have vision, but none have scope.  I don't remember exactly what scope is, but I know there's a severe deficit of it here at Siberia U.

It's not that we're not being educated.  We are.

Just yesterday I learned to torture a traitor until they tell me where the bomb is.  It was a mock torture, with no real bomb hidden anywhere, so don't panic.

I will say that I managed to get my traitor to cough up the location within two minutes--a new school record.

My professor thinks I could have a real future in knowledge exertion, but I told him I'm much more intrigued by the culinary arts.

Can't I just feed the torturers, I asked.

He didn't like that I used the t-word.  They tell you that the people who do that sort of thing don't like to call it what it is, and they're not kidding.  Just yesterday we heard that they t-ed someone who was caught t-ing someone else for practice so they could ace their t-ing exam.

If you take that out of context, I could be talking about tickling, couldn't I?

It's certainly a more amusing image.

When I think that my t exam is already done, and I'll be heading home in a week, I feel more than a little anxious.  Oh, please don't misunderstand me, Cha Cha.

I'm awfully homesick, but I think when you feel something for a long period of time, you learn to live with it, and then once you're told it's going to be removed, you feel a little odd about it.  I'm sure you had the similar experience when they took your parrot.

I've grown used to the sun.
And the barren terrain.
And the sound of screaming insurgents
Coming from the Hot House.

I think the cold here could numb you
To almost anything.

In a way, it feels like you've been given
A superpower.

The ability to not feel.

One would think you'd opt for flying or invisibility
But believe it or not
Emotional numbness opens up
A lot more doors

Right now, I could shoot you in the face
And not feel a thing, Cha Cha

Oh, of course I'd miss you
In a sort of detached way
But I wouldn't feel the overwhelming guilt
That any normal person would feel

And, with a few strategic mental repositioning sessions
I could forget I ever had a Cha Cha in the first place

Isn't that something?

To think, people say college is useless

Why, after I leave here
The job opportunities for me
Are endless

Forty percent of our graduating class
Has already been offered
High-paying jobs in the retail industry

As for me, I'll stick to cooking

I enjoy the soothing nature of it
And since I've gotten A's every semester in Knife Play
I might as well put those skills to good use

I can't wait to see you, Cha Cha!

I can't wait to show you photos
Of my senior wilderness bonding trip
Slash 'Only three of you can survive
And don't bother burying the dead'
Seminar

Love,
Tango

P.S.  If Grandpa starts talking about 'taking a trip somewhere,' can you tie him to a chair for me?  I need to have a little 'talk' with him when I get home.

Want Most, Use Worst

1.  Somewhere you're sitting on a bed
Watching the window
Expecting it to do something

2.  Somewhere you're kissing someone
For the first time
Smiling before your lips part

3.  Somewhere you want this
More than you've ever wanted anything
And two years after you get it, you'll quit it

4.  Somewhere there's a roller coaster
That nobody is riding
Except you

5.  Somewhere she got diagnosed
Two days earlier
And that made all the difference

6.  Somewhere you're looking at a name on a nametag
Trying not to let something that simple
Upset you so much

7.  Somewhere you're enjoying a beautiful day
Trying not to notice
The clouds on the horizon

8.  Somewhere you're having an argument
You'll regret having
Someday

9.  Somewhere you're eating
The best pizza you've ever eaten
Without knowing it

10.  Somewhere somebody is having trouble
Deciding whether or not they're bored
Or happy

11.  Somewhere a total stranger
Has been impacted
By something you've done

12.  Somewhere somebody's leaving
Wondering
When they're coming back

13.  Somewhere someone's thrilled
At getting a job
They'll one day hate

14.  Somewhere you're enjoying a night
You won't remember
Less than a year from now

15.  Somewhere you're breaking something
That can't be fixed
Without meaning to

16.  Somewhere a person you hate
Is revealing to someone other than you
Why they are the way they are

17.  Somewhere somebody is starting over
Radically altering their life
And nobody at all will notice

18.  Somewhere something everybody loves
Drifts out of fashion
And nobody told you

19.  Somewhere a genius is born
And placed
Next to a fool

20.  Somewhere a childhood
Is coming
To an abrupt end

21.  Somewhere your name
Stops feeling
Accurate

22.  Somewhere your cell phone goes off
And the phone knows something
You don't

23.  Somewhere you're given what you want most
And you use it in the worst way
Imaginable

24.  Somewhere you're sitting on a bed
Waiting for someone to come along
And close the window

The Rooster Slept In

Hey hey hey!

I'm here!  I'm here!

Cocka--I'm here!

Hello?

Doodle?

What?

Hey!

Yeah, I'm here

Yeah, I know

It's nine--okay, nine fifteen--okay, well--

See, I forgot to set my clock back or ahead
Or whatever

So it still says nine fifteen so to me--

I mean, not that nine fifteen would be acceptable
Of course
I know that

But see, ten fifteen just sounds reckless

Whereas, nine fifteen
Sounds more like a simple mistake

You know, like understandable

But anyway, I'm here now so Cockadoo--

What?

Why?

Oh!

Well

Funny story

There I am in Newark

One second.

Hey Cow!

What's wrong?

You had a meeting?

About what?

No, I'm just saying--

Well, why not schedule the meeting for two instead of dawn?

Who schedules meetings at dawn?

Well, I'm sorry, but that meeting sounds a little shady to me
I'm sorry
But it does

I'm not going to apologize
For not waking you up
So you could engage
In some sort of illegal activity
With the goat

You and that goat have some weird shit going on
And I, for one, am glad
That I took no part in it

Yeah, well same to you

No, I will not suck your udders
Although if you get me a box of Frosted Flakes
I may change my tune

That cow is a total mess
Whoever eats that steak one day
Is going to have the runs
For days

I'm sorry, George, what was I saying?

Oh right

So there I am in Newark
High as a kite on the 4th of July
When Bibby the Hen says to me--

'What day is it?'

And I say it's Sunday
Because I legitimately think it's Sunday
Which is when you usually like to sleep in, right?

So I say 'It's Sunday'
And Bibby goes--

'Actually I think it's Tuesday'

Now, Bibby isn't really in her right mind at this point
Keep that in mind

Because we've been doing some things
And doing some other things
And, you know what I'm talking about here?

I'm sure you do

So she's a little laid up
With a couple of unhatched eggs
Waiting to go down the chute

You following me, George?

So I say--'You crazy bitch, it's Sunday tomorrow.'
And she goes--'No, tomorrow is Tuesday'

And then I try to remember yesterday
Which is what I always do
When I'm a little cocked on the doodle
You know what I'm saying, George?

And I can't remember past that morning
Or what I THOUGHT was that morning
When Bibby and I led a protest outside the KFC headquarters

You should have gone to that, George
I really think we hit a new stage of consciousness
Right around the time
They started throwing coleslaw at us

So anyway, now I'm thinking maybe it IS Sunday
And that means I had to be up crowing
Like--

Well at this point
It was five am
So I was already kinda screwed

But I thought maybe if I could get from Newark to here
In a half hour
Then maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal

And then I started thinking about the laws
Of time and space
And how if we just put more effort
Into controlling them
Nobody would ever be late for anything
And oh sweet lamb
Can you imagine the kind of world that would be when--

Okay, so anyway
I'm a good six hours away
And roosters, I mean, we can flutter
Sort of, but flying--

I mean, I'm not useless
Like an ostrich
I do have wings

But a six-hour journey
Is still a lot
You know?

Plus I gotta drop off Bibby in Tuscon
Which is, like, really out of the way

So I end up putting her on a pick-up truck
Driven by this guy named Cliff
Who says she sure is a pretty chicken
Which, I mean, she is
But, I don't know, something about the way he said it--

Anyway, she's going to call me when she gets in

Has she called?

No?

Okay, well
I'll be concerned as soon as I'm done
Telling you the story

I hitch a bus here
And halfway there
The bus breaks down
And I get a fight with the driver
So I have to walk the rest of the way
Which was a pain
Because it was so hot
I was cooking in the sun
And, I'm not going to lie, I smelled pretty good

And that's why I'm so late

I mean, ten fifteen is--

Okay, yeah
I realize I'm two days late
AND it's ten fifteen

But I mean, if I had been on time today
Maybe you would have--

A new rooster?

WHAT?

I screw up once
And you replace me?

Okay, yeah, so
Once this month anyway!

Yeah, I realize it's only the first of the month
What's your point?

WELL SCREW YOU!

SCREW YOU AND YOUR NEW COCK!

THAT'S RIGHT
YOU HEARD ME

No, I will not be quiet!

I want the whole barnyard to know
What's going on here!

I want everyone to know
That you GOT RID OF YOUR OLD COCK
BECAUSE IT COULDN'T GET UP JUST ONCE
AND REPLACED IT WITH ONE YOU PROBABLY RIPPED OFF
FROM OLD MR. FENNER
DOWN THE STREET

WHILE YOU--

Okay, okay

So I can have my job back?

Excellent

Thank you

Oh, by the way

I'm going to need tomorrow off

It's been a rough week