A Letter from Siberia

Dear Cha Cha,

Greetings from Siberia University.  Ranked the Best and Worst University in Siberia.  When you're the only University, you get the distinction of being the best and the worst.  Some days I wake up in my dorm room and think--

I wonder which school I'm at today?  The best?  Or the worst?

Usually it's the latter.  Perhaps other students at the university are going to the best.  Those must be the students I don't hang out with.

My roommate asks me who I'm writing to, and I tell him my grandmother.

You call your grandmother Cha Cha, he asks.

I say, of course, what do you call yours?
\
Grandma, he says.

How original.

Nobody here has any scope.  Some have vision, but none have scope.  I don't remember exactly what scope is, but I know there's a severe deficit of it here at Siberia U.

It's not that we're not being educated.  We are.

Just yesterday I learned to torture a traitor until they tell me where the bomb is.  It was a mock torture, with no real bomb hidden anywhere, so don't panic.

I will say that I managed to get my traitor to cough up the location within two minutes--a new school record.

My professor thinks I could have a real future in knowledge exertion, but I told him I'm much more intrigued by the culinary arts.

Can't I just feed the torturers, I asked.

He didn't like that I used the t-word.  They tell you that the people who do that sort of thing don't like to call it what it is, and they're not kidding.  Just yesterday we heard that they t-ed someone who was caught t-ing someone else for practice so they could ace their t-ing exam.

If you take that out of context, I could be talking about tickling, couldn't I?

It's certainly a more amusing image.

When I think that my t exam is already done, and I'll be heading home in a week, I feel more than a little anxious.  Oh, please don't misunderstand me, Cha Cha.

I'm awfully homesick, but I think when you feel something for a long period of time, you learn to live with it, and then once you're told it's going to be removed, you feel a little odd about it.  I'm sure you had the similar experience when they took your parrot.

I've grown used to the sun.
And the barren terrain.
And the sound of screaming insurgents
Coming from the Hot House.

I think the cold here could numb you
To almost anything.

In a way, it feels like you've been given
A superpower.

The ability to not feel.

One would think you'd opt for flying or invisibility
But believe it or not
Emotional numbness opens up
A lot more doors

Right now, I could shoot you in the face
And not feel a thing, Cha Cha

Oh, of course I'd miss you
In a sort of detached way
But I wouldn't feel the overwhelming guilt
That any normal person would feel

And, with a few strategic mental repositioning sessions
I could forget I ever had a Cha Cha in the first place

Isn't that something?

To think, people say college is useless

Why, after I leave here
The job opportunities for me
Are endless

Forty percent of our graduating class
Has already been offered
High-paying jobs in the retail industry

As for me, I'll stick to cooking

I enjoy the soothing nature of it
And since I've gotten A's every semester in Knife Play
I might as well put those skills to good use

I can't wait to see you, Cha Cha!

I can't wait to show you photos
Of my senior wilderness bonding trip
Slash 'Only three of you can survive
And don't bother burying the dead'
Seminar

Love,
Tango

P.S.  If Grandpa starts talking about 'taking a trip somewhere,' can you tie him to a chair for me?  I need to have a little 'talk' with him when I get home.