The Kittens Discuss Vanity

"You know, I hate to say it."
"Say what?"
"That we're adorable."
"Oh."
"I mean, I hate to say it."
"Yeah."
"But, I mean, we really are."
"Yeah."
"I mean--"
"Yeah."
"Pretty cute, am I right?"
"Yeah, well...we're kittens."
"Yeah, and?"
"And, that's sort of what we are."
"Kittens?"
"Adorable."
"Oh."
"Adorable kittens.  I mean, you pretty much don't even need to say adorable.  Adorable is sort of implied.  It's like saying stupid puppy."
"Because all puppies are inherently stupid?"
"Right."
"Right."
"Right."
"But--I knew a kitten once who was kinda not so adorable."
"You mean Bruce?"
"Yeah."
"Bruce was deformed.  That's why his mom ate him."
"Ew!  So that really happened?"
"It did."
"I thought that was an urban legend!"
"Nope, it happened.  I was in the litter next door."
"She ate him?!?!?"
"Yup."
"Ewww!"
"It needed to happen.  He had one ear.  You can't go through life like that."
"But I mean--"
"And he had a stumpy tail."
"Aw, the poor guy."
"It was better that she ate him.  It was an act of mercy."
"Yeah, I guess."
"I mean, who wants to live like that?  It's like you're a mutant."
"One ear."
"Good thing I didn't see that.  I would have thrown up, and not just fur either."
"Yeah, good thing."
"But that was a deformity.  An anomaly.  It doesn't happen all the time.  Kittens are, by our nature, adorable.  So we don't have to bring it up.  People just know it."

. . . . .

"So is that all we are?"
"What
"Adorable.  Is that it for us?"
"Well, what else is there?"
"I mean, we're intelligent."
"Well, yeah, but who cares about that?  We're kittens.  It's not like anybody's asking us for our advice on global peace treaties."
"Yeah, but--"
"--or having us solve math equations or anything.  We're just meant to be cute and cuddly and play with yarn.  It's a sweet deal.  Don't go thinking about it too much."
"But I do.  I do think about it.  I spend my whole day thinking of adorable things I can do."
"You're wasting your time.  Just be yourself.  You're a kitten, therefore you're adorable."
"But the other day I pooped and then stepped in it."
"Outside the box?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, well that's not adorable."
"See!"
"That's actually really gross and I'm sorry you brought it up."
"I thought about doing it, and then I thought, You know what?  That seems gross.  But then I thought, maybe it'll be sort of gross and cute at the same time like when my owner burps a song and my other owner laughs and flips her hair at him."
"Your owners sound really stupid."
"But if it wasn't adorable that means I have the potential to be not-so-adorable like Bruce the Mutant Kitten."
"You could never be Bruce.  I mean, not unless you cut your own ear off."
"Van Gogh was missing an ear.  People liked him."
"Van Gogh was a genius, but he certainly wasn't adorable.  You never hear people say, 'Oh that Van Gogh, what a looker!'"
"Don't you ever do things just because you think it'll look cute?"
"Occasionally I exaggerate a yawn or paw at a square of light on the floor knowing it's not something I can catch, but other than that--"
"I play with balls of yarn as if they're interesting!  I playfully pounce on my owner's feet without having any intention of eating them.  I hide in small spaces and wait for someone to find me so I can look helpless.  My entire life is a lie!"
"RELAX!  Just relax and stop worrying so much about how you look.  It doesn't matter."
"But one day it will, won't it?"
"What?"
"I mean, one day we'll be..."
"...What?"
"Well...cats."

. . . . .

"...Well, cats are...nice."
"Yeah, nice, but--"
"And cute."
"Well."
"Well what?"
"...Not always."
"Well--"
"Not always."
"No, not always."

. . . . .

"I guess we should just keep doing what we're doing."
"Right."
"I mean, what else can we do?"
"Right."
"Is there--"
"No."
"Right."
"Right."
"So let's just keep on going."
"Sure."
"What else is there to do?"
"Nothing."
"Right."
"Absolutely nothing."