The Insinuator

Look at this!

Look at this post on Tom’s Facebook wall!

‘Hey Tom, last night was awesome.  So glad we got to hang out.  Winkie face.’

Do you see what she’s doing?

She’s insinuating

She is insinuating that she and Tom hooked up

Erica is a big, fat Insinuator!

Last night was awesome

Glad we hung out

Winkie smiley happy slut face!

You know they probably bumped into each other

On Thayer Street

Talked for a minute

And then Tom ran away as fast as he could

Because Erica’s a total skanktank

Then she waited a day

And posted this on his wall

In the middle of the day

When she knows everybody would see it

And by everybody, I mean me

Because she knows I don’t work

OH MY GOD!

She liked the wall post

She liked HER OWN POST!

Who DOES THAT?

Now she’s just taunting me

She’s like—‘Yeah, Chrissy, I’m insinuating.  What are you going to do about it?’

When she knows I can’t do anything about it

Because I would never stoop to her level

By posting something about seeing Tom

Or hanging out with Tom

Or being in love with Tom

Or owning a Tom doll

That I made out of my own hair and—

Um…

The point is, I will NOT give her the satisfaction

Of letting her think

That I’m obsessed

With everything she does

OH MY GOD TOM LIKED THE POST!

HE LIKED HER WALL POST!

Oh my god, if he comments

I’m going to die

If he says anything

About what she said

I’m going to die

Even if it’s LOL

Or ‘Yeah, good to see you’

Or polite smiley face but I don’t really like you face

I.will.die.

Like, I will die hard.

I will die hard with a vengeance live free or whatever

If he comments with anything other than—

‘I don’t even like you so stop posting on my wall’

I will seriously—

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD

A WINKIE FACE!

HE COMMENTED WITH A WINKIE FACE!

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

Did they ACTUALLY hang out?

Like, spend time together

Like quality time?

Like naked sex all night on fresh linens time?

Oh my God, kill me

Seriously

Go look up tall bridges

That I can throw myself off of

It’s bad enough that this happened

But it’s knowing that the WHOLE WORLD can see it

Right on his profile page that makes me realize there’s no point in living anymore

I hate Facebook

I used to live blissfully back when I was six

Back when I didn’t know

Who the people I liked

Were hooking up with

Back when it was possible to actually remove people from your life

Unfriend them?

Are you crazy?

I can’t unfriend them!

Then they’ll know that knowing what they’re up to

Bothers me

When clearly it’s just I—

OH MY GOD SHE LIKED HIS WINKIE FACE I HATE HER!

I HATE HIM!

I HATE EVERYONE!

…She just posted on my wall

‘Miss you.  Let’s hang soon.  K?’

Wow

She…

Wow

That’s…

She’s got nerve

I’ll tell you

All of a sudden she wants to be buddy-buddy

Because her life is all perfect

Spending nights with Tom

Wild nights of passion and—

And—

Okay, I’m liking her post

I have to!

You don’t understand

I have to like the post

I have no choice

We’re not always given choices in life

Facebook and technology

Have taken away our choices!

I HAVE TO LIKE HER POST EVEN THOUGH I REALLY JUST WANT HER TO DIE!

LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE!

…I should probably comment too

…Or turn off the computer

And go get some fresh air…

Yeah, let’s do that

I just have to, um…

Type something…first…