When I Put You On That Plane

When I put you on that plane
I will tuck your shirt in for you
Since you never do tuck in your shirt

Go around looking
Like I birthed you on a freight train
Then raised you in a barn

Giving God knows what impression
To the people I'm sending you to

I will make sure you look dapper
When I put you on that plane

. . . . .

When I put you on that plane
It will be because
You scored off the charts
On that aptitude test
They gave you

And they informed me
Sheepishly, I might add
If I may be so bold
As to summarize the expression
On their faces
And in the tone
Of their voices

They informed me
That they would not be able
To teach quote 'someone like you'
Some with your quote 'abilities'
Someone so quote 'gifted'

And they recommended
That I send you
Some place where they could teach you
Even if that place
Is a plane ride away
And the tuition is high
And that's not including room and board

Still, they feel it's your only chance
At realizing your quote 'potential'

And I told them
Quote

'It's a good thing I pay taxes
So that I can be told
The teachers I'm paying
Are too stupid to educate my son'

I should write a note of apology

After all, they were just being honest

They could have kept their mouths shut
And tried teaching you anyway
Thereby killing any chance you'd have
At becoming even more of a genius
Then you already are

Your father was no genius

Well, no
That's not fair
He might have been

I suppose I can't make a judgement call
About a man
I only knew for one night

He could have been intelligent

After all, he was smart enough
Not to give me his real name and number

Then again, the name he gave me was Dr. Roger Seuss
And the number was 1-800-CAN-BOOB
So it's a toss-up

You certainly didn't get your smarts from me

I may speak all right
And use some decent words
But I'm the farthest thing from smart
You're ever going to meet

Don't you take after me

Don't you think being fresh
And mouthing off
Means you're protected from anything

You're not

Smart is keeping your mouth shut
And watching the idiots
Fall all over their twenty-dollar words

A smart person doesn't need big words
Because he knows the value of silence

My father told me that once
And then I told him to go screw

I never really saw the sad irony in that
Until now

When I put you on that plane
It's not because the neighborhood's bad
Even though it is

Sometimes good stuff
Comes out of rotten surroundings

I have no problem with you
Being around thieves and pimps and drug dealers

Sometimes looking at those people everyday
Is the best way to guarantee
That you won't become one

You're not getting on the plane
Because I could use the extra room in the apartment
Although, truth be told
I won't miss sleeping on the futon

You're getting on that plane
Because your grandfather sent me a check
For the plane ticket and the tuition
And told me to do the right thing

The right thing

What's the right thing?

Separate a son from his mother?
Send him across the country
When he isn't even fifteen yet

Oh, I know it's only a week away
But still--another reason

I'll be missing your birthday

Is that the right thing?

A mother should be able to give her child
Everything he needs
And now to give you what you need
I need to send you away from me

There's something unnatural about that

But I'm doing it anyway

Because I don't want you to have
Everything I didn't have
I want you to have things
I never even knew existed

When I put you on that plane
I'll read you a list of things
I don't want you doing
While you're away from home

Smoking
Drinking
Eating junk

Getting a big head
From being around those rich kids

Oh sure, they worry about the schools
Where the kids have no money

But I can only imagine the trouble
A sixteen-year-old with a convertible
And his father's VISA can get into

And if you get in that kind of trouble
With those kinds of kids
Don't think I can't get your grandfather to buy an extra ticket
And send me right to you
So I can drag you back home

I won't have one of those kids as my son
No matter where he's living

Always remember that you come from real people
Who live real lives
And work for everything they have
And that includes that plane ticket
Because one day you're paying your grandfather back for that
Because I don't want you owing anybody anything ever

Do you understand me?

When I put you on that plane
It's because I want you to know
That sometimes in life
You have to do things that you don't want to do

Like go to school away from your home
And your mother

Like send your child away
So he can do better than you did

Like write a check to your ungrateful daughter's son
When you haven't talked in years
Because it's the right thing to do

We're all getting one chance here
To do something right
And we're going to do it

So I'm putting you on that plane
And you're going on that plane
And all the crying in the world
Isn't going to change the fact
That it's right
No matter how wrong
It seems

So don't bother telling me I'm crying
Because I know I'm crying
And I'm doing it anyway

But first I'm tucking in your shirt
And I'm fixing your hair
And I'm making sure
You put your money deep down in your pocket
So nobody steals it from you

And I love you
But you know that
So let's not dwell on it

You're brave, you know

Not like your mom

You're looking at that plane
Like you know

Like you know
It's going to take you
Somewhere

To something good

You're fearless

That's one thing I know
You don't get from me