Take the Jacket Off Me

Lindsey, take the jacket off me

I’m a dog

I realize I’m a small dog

And that means I can’t eat you

Or even seriously maim you

But I can defecate

In every pair of shoes you own

If you don’t take this f**king jacket off me

Right now

Do you find this cute?

Do you think this is adorable?

Do you plan on making me your Christmas card this year?

‘Look at me humiliating a defenseless creature!  Happy Holidays!’

You disgust me

You think it’s fun making a dog

More like a human?

What if I made you

More like a dog?

What if I put you on a leash

And gave you an undying fascination

With your own genitalia?

Would you like that Lindsey?

Would you like to spend twenty minutes

Licking your own testicles

While your owner laughs at you

Then goes back to watching ‘What Not to Wear?’

Because I would find that ADORABLE!

Let’s get something straight

I am not a toy

I am not an accessory

I am NOT one of the many girlfriends you have

Who wear whatever you tell them to

Just because you tell them you work for DKNY

When you really work for TCBY

I am a living, breathing thing

With a soul and a sense of dignity

And you are doing everything you can

To eradicate it

Well, I’ve had enough

If you leave this jacket on me

One second longer

So help me, Lindsey

I will run out into the street

And straight into the first moving vehicle I see

NOW GET IT OFF ME!

. . . . .

Thank you

Whoa, whoa, whoa

What are you doing?

I didn’t say anything about the hat